Scrubbed

by Renee, DC

  It didn’t stop me from hating—secretly, of course, because I wouldn’t admit it out loud—that Hadley was going to visit her family now.

  Things had been different for the past week. They weren’t bad. Just…not as close. Almost as though Hadley was pulling away from me, or maybe even pushing me away. I couldn’t even explain it properly because there wasn’t anything that would make it seem like that was happening. It was just that we went from ending every night together to…well…not.

  Not to say we had to. It wasn’t like we lived together. And we were still new. She had her life, and I sort of had my own. She had every right to spend time away from me. Hell, when Tracy and I first started dating, we didn’t see each other every day. I tried to remember that, but somehow, this was different. It felt weird not to be with Hadley each day. What did that say about the way I felt for Tracy? I didn’t even want to touch that subject. In fact, I buried that thought deep inside and didn’t let it back out.

  That was a different time in my life. I was younger, and I had more going for me. And I wasn’t as dependent. Yes, I admitted it. I was dependent on Hadley. After all, she had essentially brought me back to life. I needed her in order to keep living.

  Didn’t make my love for Tracy any less.

  I’d called Hadley to tell her I had big plans for us this weekend. We were both off. I told her to bring enough clothes for the entire weekend. After not seeing her every day that week, I wanted to make up for lost time by keeping her with me all weekend. I wanted to essentially kidnap her and make her all mine. Did that make me a pussy to admit it? Well, then I was a damn pussy.

  Fuck, I was addicted to Hadley.

  That was when she dropped the ball that she had to visit her parents for the weekend. And I was the douchebag who was pissed about it. I didn’t tell her I was, but I think she heard it in my voice, which was why she apologized.

  A very small part of me actually wanted her to invite me to go with. Why? Because then I’d still get her all weekend. And also…well, shit…because it meant something to be introduced to the parents. Did I want that? Was I ready for it?

  I wasn’t sure, so I pushed yet another thought deep down. It wasn’t like I was showing her off to my family—not that I was seeing them myself. But I could have introduced her to Tracy’s parents. They were like my other family. I hadn’t.

  So I couldn’t blame her.

  “I understand,” I told her. I did. I just didn’t like it for purely selfish reasons. Look, even now, there was no reason to think she was pushing me away by visiting her parents, yet…I couldn’t help that feeling. Shit, I really was dependent on her. “Don’t miss me too much while you’re gone,” I joked, trying to lighten my own mood.

  “No promises,” she joked back. “Okay, I have to go pack, but I’ll call you later, okay?”

  “Yeah,” I responded. But that was the thing. She didn’t call me later. She texted me that she had landed safely, and that was basically it for the entire weekend. Okay, I was exaggerating, but it was definitely not a ton more than that.

  She didn’t call at all, and I didn’t call her. Any other time, I would have called, but she was spending time with her family. I didn’t want to be that guy. I wanted her to enjoy her time. She probably missed them, and vice versa. They were probably soaking up all her attention, and she just didn’t have time for a phone call. I wasn’t about to interrupt her, no matter how much I wanted to.

  And the texts? Yes, she texted throughout the weekend, but they weren’t full of spirit like she was. Not that every one of her texts was fun or charming. She had her fair share of normal texts too, but it was never every single text within a two-day period. Each text she sent was generic and dry.

  Maybe I was reading too much into it. Maybe she was just busy, and it still meant something that she found a moment here and there to stay in touch, dry or not.

  Still, I didn’t like the way I was feeling. When Sunday evening rolled around, I found myself heading to Amber and Jay’s home. Originally, I’d told them I couldn’t make it. But now, clearly, I could.

  “Oh no, what’s wrong?” Amber asked as soon as I’d walked through the door. “And wait a second, I just realized you were supposed to be with Hadley this weekend, right? Why are you here?”

  “She went to visit her parents for the weekend,” I told her.

  “Aw, you miss her. That’s why you look like someone kicked your puppy.” I smiled despite still being unnaturally upset. “There’s something more, isn’t there?” she asked as she took in my face. “Alright, let’s get you a beer, and we’ll go sit, and you can tell me all about it.”

  She did, and we sat down with Jay beside her.

  “It feels wrong to talk to you about this,” I admitted.

  “Why?” Amber asked. “We’re the ones who were pushing you to keep living. Do you think for a second we didn’t realize that meant finding someone else to move forward with?”

  “I guess not, but it still feels wrong,” I said.

  “You’re not cheating on Tracy,” Jay added. “And the fact that you’re uncomfortable talking about moving on with us is proof that you deserve to. You deserve happiness, Noah. Lord knows I wish it were with my little girl forever, but it’s not. It doesn’t mean you have to stop living. Doesn’t mean you can’t have the family you both wanted, the little kids running around, and hopefully, you’ll think of us as another set of grandparents too,” he said, his voice cracking a little. “You’re a son to us, Noah. Maybe not by blood, but you’ll forever be our son. And your children will be our grandchildren. So, yes, we knew that living your life meant living it with someone else.”

  I almost cried. I had to blink several times to stop the tears from pouring out.

  “Are you sure you want to hear this?” I asked, just in case.

  “Yes,” Amber said.

  “Things are great,” I told them. “Hadley is…She’s nice and funny. She cares about people and takes time to do good deeds. She’s a hard worker and so smart.”

  “And beautiful too,” Amber added, having seen her picture before she submitted me to the contest, and then a few more times on my phone.

  “Yes, beautiful too,” I acknowledged with a nod.

  “Okay, so what’s the problem?” Jay asked.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted.

  “Why don’t you try explaining what you’re feeling,” Amber suggested.

  “I feel like she’s pulling away from me. We were spending every night together after work once things got serious, and now, we’re not. And there’s no reason for me to feel this way. It’s not like she’s telling me she wants space. She had plans with her friends one night, then another night, she spent an evening dealing with some issues her friend was having, and now she’s visiting her parents. These are all valid reasons not to see me. But it’s more than that. She’s not as responsive with texts, and she’s not calling me as much. Oh God, when I say this out loud, I sound like a crazy idiot,” I said.

  “No, no, you have good instincts, Noah. If you feel like something is wrong, then something is probably wrong. Trust your gut,” Amber said.

  “I’m with Amber, Noah, but I will admit that nothing here sounds out of the ordinary.”

  “I know,” I said as I put my head in my hands. I’m going crazy.

  “You’re not crazy,” Jay said, and I realized I must have said it out loud. “I think it’s an entirely different emotion. In my opinion, at least. But I won’t voice that opinion out loud. I think you need to figure out why your emotions are on the max setting.”

  He didn’t say anything else, no matter how hard I looked at him, hoping he’d elaborate.

  “Either way,” Amber chimed in. “If you think something’s up, then ask her about it. If you’re wrong, hopefully, it’ll make you feel better. And if you’re not, then you’ll know why. There has to be more to this.”

  “You’re right,” I said. “I should just ask her.”

  “Can’t
hurt, right?” she added. It could…I just hoped it wouldn’t.

  But I did just that. I asked her point-blank. The next day, she was back. I knew because she’d texted me that she was home Sunday evening, but she said she was too tired to give me a call, and we’d talk the next day.

  She didn’t call. At least not before work and not during. She was pulling away. I could feel it. I didn’t know why, and I deserved to know.

  So instead of waiting for her call or text, I texted her during my lunch break, and I didn’t ask what her plans were that night. I didn’t ask if I could see her. I told her.

  Meet you at your place after work, I texted her.

  She didn’t respond, but I wasn’t surprised. Or I guess I was, but I was getting used to it.

  I didn’t care if she hadn’t confirmed I was coming over. I went anyway. And when she opened her door, she didn’t look surprised.

  “So you got my text?” I asked.

  “Yeah, sorry, I was playing catch up all day,” she said, her words ringing false.

  I walked inside with her following close, then turned to her. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on,” I urged. “This isn’t you. You’re the one who busts my balls for not responding to your texts. You’re the one who shows up at my house when I’m not answering because you know something’s not right. You’re the one who, no matter how shitty your day is, you find a way to turn it into a joke and laugh about it. Something’s going on, and it’s my turn to be here for you. Let me in, Hadley. Let me repay the million favors you’ve done for me. Let me shoulder whatever burden is weighing you down. Please, talk to me. Tell me how I can help. You call me a hero, so well, then let me finally be one. Let me be your hero. Let me be there for you.”

  She looked like she was about to cry. Her lip quivered, and I knew whatever she was about to say was going to hurt both of us. I was torn between turning around and pretending this conversation didn’t happen, pretending everything was all right, and actually meaning my promise—being there for her.

  I never, in a million years, expected the words that came out of her mouth.

  “We need to slow things down,” she said. I heard them loud and clear, but I didn’t register them.

  “Slow things down?” I questioned. “Slow what down? Us?” I asked, not believing she meant that, but deep down knowing it was.

  “You have a real chance of winning the contest,” she said, and I felt like I’d been slapped. This was what this was about. Fuck the damn contest. “And I can’t date you while I run it,” she added before I had the chance to respond. “It’s a conflict of interest.”

  “Screw the contest,” I told her, meaning every word. “I never wanted to do it anyway. I only did it to appease Amber, and then because you convinced me to. But if it’s a choice between you and the contest, that’s a no-brainer. Shit, Hadley, if that’s all, then thank God I spoke to you. I’ll drop out, and this will all be behind us. You can stop worrying, and we’ll go back to being us,” I said, feeling relief.

  “No,” she said, shaking her head vigorously.

  “What do you mean, no?” I asked, the tension beginning to come right back.

  “No,” she repeated. “You can’t drop out. Besides the fact that I think it’s done wonders for you—”

  “You’ve done wonders for me, not some stupid contest,” I interrupted.

  She shook her head but didn’t reply to that. Instead, she continued her original thoughts. “If you pull out, it’ll make me look bad,” she admitted. It hurt that was what worried her, but I knew her career mattered to her. “People will also start to wonder why a viable candidate pulled out at the last minute. It’ll make the contest look bad too. They’ll start to look into it, and then they’ll probably find out we are dating. I could get in real trouble, Noah. Not just me but the magazine could get into real shit for it too.”

  “You’re joking,” I said. “This is some kind of fucking joke, right?” I asked, suddenly getting angry.

  “You might not need the cash prize, but there are plenty of other people who do. That’s the sole reason many of these folks entered. If they know we had a relationship of any kind, even if it was friendship, which it’s clearly more than that, people could accuse me—and the magazine—of being biased. They could say I pushed you along at the expense of other viable candidates. Even if you don’t win, they’ll say I helped you take the place of someone else who could have won.”

  “Again, I’ll pull out,” I repeated, feeling torn between being pissed off and being understanding. This was a fucked-up situation, I realized. Hadley was truly stuck between two evils. I just stupidly hoped I was the lesser of the two. It looked like I wasn’t.

  “People will wonder why,” she told me. “I should have never gotten close to you in the first place. Even our friendship looks bad. I should have known better,” she told me.

  “Fuck that,” I said, my anger winning out. “Step away,” I demanded, even though I knew it wasn’t fair. But none of this was fair.

  “It doesn’t matter if I do. Just as suspicious that the head of the contest suddenly walks away. Same questions leading to the same answers. Ultimately, you and I can’t be together. Just so you know, I didn’t help you get to where you are one bit. That was all you. I want you to know that,” she added, not that it fucking mattered to me anymore. “I need you to know that. You’re a hero, Noah, and everyone sees it but you. But this…we…we can’t do this. I can’t do this. We have to stop seeing each other,” she told me, and I felt like my world was crumbling. As horrible as it was to admit, it felt just as bad as the day I found out Tracy had cancer. The difference was that Tracy hadn’t wanted to potentially leave me, but here, Hadley was willingly giving me up.

  “No,” I told her even though I knew my protests were futile.

  “It’s not negotiable.”

  “This isn’t a game, Hadley,” I told her, my anger shining through in full force. “This is our life. I finally…I finally opened myself up again, and this…you’re throwing us away. For what? A fucking contest? At least Tracy didn’t leave because she wanted to,” I spat at her. I saw her flinch, and I felt momentarily bad.

  “I’m sorry,” she cried, and even in my rage-induced state, I could tell that she was trying to hold her tears at bay. “I’m more sorry than you could ever know,” she said, her voice cracking. I softened, reaching for her, but she backed away, and my fury came right back. “I’m a hero, right? So fucking special, huh? So special that you’re throwing me away. Some hero. I can’t even save myself this time,” I said, then turned and left before I said anything else. Despite my anger, despite my lashing out, I didn’t want to hurt her with the venom I knew I was about to spew.

  I slammed the door shut behind me to the sounds of her tears, her no longer keeping them hidden. It took everything in me not to turn around and comfort her, but I didn’t. I made it home somehow, the pain of betrayal and the sting of rejection my only friends at that moment, as I tried, unsuccessfully, to find sleep.

  Sleep didn’t come. It didn’t come all week. I mean, my body crashed several times because it naturally needed it, but it wasn’t sleep. Sleep is something you do willingly. Sleep is to rest. I had no rest.

  I’d been contacted about the stupid contest, about the fucking stupid interview and shadow process, but I brushed them off. Shit, I would have to actually do the damn thing. Even though I was upset, I would never risk getting Hadley in trouble. I’d never put her through that. And if I didn’t do it, it was as good as dropping out. That would defeat the purpose of her breaking my heart. She could have a real problem on her hands, and it would mean our split was done in vain. I couldn’t do that.

  But I wasn’t in the right headspace to deal with the cameras and the questions then. They’d have to wait.

  So I threw myself into work.

  What else was there?

  I didn’t have a life, not that I wanted one. What I really wanted was to get piss-drunk each night so I wo
uldn’t feel the pain in my heart from the giant hole Hadley left there. But I couldn’t do that because I had work. I had patients, and I had people who counted on me. I gave them my all and then some.

  I no longer had someone to come home to, so I worked overtime, coming in earlier on the days I was scheduled for later shifts and staying later on the other days.

  “Oh, Noah, you’re here, good, good,” said Dr. Ben Sharp, passing by me on the way to his office. “I didn’t realize you were supposed to be here this morning.”

  “I wasn’t,” I told him.

  “Oh, well, lucky coincidence for me. I was actually going to call you for a consult on this case, but since you’re here, do you mind coming to see my patient with me?”

  “Sure,” I told him. Why the hell not?

  “Before we go in,” he said, stopping by his door. “I have to admit why I wanted to consult you.” Ben had been right out of med school, finishing up his residency here when Tracy passed away. He was still a young doctor, but he was one of the brightest minds I’d ever encountered. His reputation had grown as one of the best, not just the hospital had to offer, but the entire state. A bit of a whiz kid. Polite too.

  “Oh?” I asked.

  “Stage 1 cervical cancer,” he said, just above a whisper. He let that sink in. Cervical cancer. What Tracy died from. But she had stage 4 by the time they caught it. It was aggressive and fast-growing. She didn’t have it during her yearly with her gynecologist the year before, but it must have formed shortly after because they found it the following year. She had no symptoms, no pain…nothing. Yet it was there, festering inside her, growing rapidly, eating her alive, and I couldn’t stop it.

  Stage 1, however, was treatable. Not one hundred percent, never one hundred percent with cancer. That fucker could pop up at any time and kill you quickly or kill you slowly, or if he was feeling generous, fuck off and let you live your life.