Barking Maddy's Puppy Love

by S M Mala

‘You read what he said.’

  ‘He sounds like someone who doesn’t know what he thinks.’

  ‘That’s because he’s a man.’ She grinned as did Dora who suddenly looked tired. ‘You need a little sleep before we start on the cake again.’

  ‘I’ll give you your present later. I think mum forgot to wrap it.’

  ‘You’re the best present.’

  ‘We’re going to be friends for life, aren’t we?’ asked Dora, her breathing sounding quite painful as Maddy tried not to wince. ‘I can’t remember what it was like before you were around. I think I was sad, but you dressed up as a puppy made me laugh.’

  ‘We are going to be friends for laughing and life. I will always wear my costume for you,’ she replied, stroking her soft cheek. ‘And you are going to be around for ages. You need to sort out Stan for me and tell him what’s what.’

  ‘And you’ll keep an eye on my mum to make sure she’s okay?’

  ‘Why wouldn’t she be?’

  Maddy noticed the whispering when she walked down the corridor and Linda’s worried expression. They went silent when she went by, and even Dr. Bob looked anxiously at her, not smiling.

  It was obvious they were worried about Dora.

  ‘When you get better, I am going to arrange to run a marathon to raise money for the hospice.’ Maddy noticed Dora was starting to smile. ‘Yes, I know my last effort was a little bit lame, but I needed more training. Christmas is a good time to run because everyone is happy to lose some weight before eating lots of food.’

  ‘I’m going to miss Christmas,’ Dora said, and Maddy immediately felt sick on hearing the words. ‘We have such fun.’

  ‘What’s there to miss? We’ll have fun this year,’ she replied cheerfully, holding back the tears. ‘And it will be the best one ever.’

  She felt a gush of emotion when Dora stroked her face, looking straight into her eyes.

  ‘Promise me you won’t get ill,’ she whispered, her big brown eyes staring straight at Maddy. ‘No matter what, you won’t let that illness take over again.’

  ‘Never,’ she said, knowing just a few seconds the feelings had surfaced unexpectedly. ‘I know how bad that would be.’

  ‘You get upset like you said, and you’re hurting yourself. You have too much to live for.’

  ‘You mean supply fodder for Stanley Frank’s column.’

  ‘If you let it take over, then you won’t even have Stan Franks. Maddy, please?’

  ‘I don’t have him even now.’

  ‘You do. You’re just mad at him for poking fun because you let his ex get to you.’ Dora let out a yawn as her voice started to fade. ‘Tell him you love him, really love him. Let him know you’re annoyed and then hear what he says.’

  ‘As it’s you, I’ll do it.’

  ‘Thank you, Maddy. Thank you so much.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘For being there.’

  Maddy moved closer and kissed her cheek.

  ‘I’ll always be here. You’re going to have a hard time of getting rid of me.’

  ‘I’m sleepy.’ Dora closed her eyes as did Maddy, exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before. She felt the soft lips on her cheek and opened her eyes. ‘I love you Maddy with all my heart. Always have and always will.’

  ‘I love you, Dora.’ And at that moment she stared into the large brown eyes and noticed something that touched her heart. ‘I love you so much. Forever and forever. Now close your eyes, and we can dream of eating more cake.’

  And with her words, they both shut their eyes and fell asleep.

  She held tightly to Dora’s hand not wanting ever to let it go.

  ‘Maddy.’

  Ted was looking into her eyes. ‘Can you hear me?’

  She looked at his tear stained face and couldn’t speak, knowing she was shaking, her body unable to stop.

  As she opened her mouth, nothing came out.

  ‘You’ve had a shock. Madeleine, do you know where you are?’ he asked, this time grabbing her head. ‘Maddy?’

  Her head fell forward, and she looked at her right hand where she had been holding Dora’s.

  ‘What happened?’ she asked, not knowing why Ted was there.

  ‘Don’t you remember?’

  ‘Where am I?’

  ‘You’re at the hospice.’

  ‘Where’s Dora?’ Swallowing hard, she felt the deep pain in her chest and saw the fat tears roll down Ted’s face. ‘We went to sleep so we could eat some more cake. Would you like some?’

  ‘Dora fell asleep,’ he said, choking back on his sobs. ‘Look at me.’ She tilted her head up to stare into his blue eyes. ‘She passed away when you fell asleep. You were holding each other, and she went peacefully.’

  Maddy flung head back and didn’t know what to say.

  The pain was now intense as she shook her head in utter disbelief.

  ‘Why would you say that?’ she asked, starting to cry. ‘Dora was sleeping. She slept next to me and held my hand and-.’

  The sob that came out of her mouth surprised her as she flung herself forward into Ted’s arms and screamed into his chest.

  Her head was throbbing, and her heart was breaking.

  ‘She wouldn’t have left me!’ Maddy shouted. ‘Why would she leave me?’

  ‘Calm down,’ Ted replied, holding her by the shoulders. ‘You’re in shock.’

  ‘You’re lying!’ she screamed at him then noticed Linda walk into the room. ‘Why’s he lying?’

  The woman walked up to her, and her face said it all.

  Dora had died.

  No words were needed to convey the amount of heartache she was feeling.

  No words at all.

  ‘She’s in shock.’

  Ted whispered outside the semi-open door. ‘And she hasn’t said a word. Dr. Bob said to keep an eye on her. Apparently, she was near hysterical and then collapsed.’

  Maddy listened to what he was saying, examining the spare room in his apartment as she lay on her side, staring out of the window into the night.

  ‘I think she should come and stay with me,’ Pearl said, and Maddy then closed her eyes, not wanting to hear.

  Their voices sounded like mumbling in the background as she saw the shadow of the leaves in the tree against the light grey blinds. You could see faces if you looked hard enough and the rustling could be taken for giggling.

  Then there was a gust of wind and the soft laughter now felt like a high-pitched scream.

  Maddy’s screams from that afternoon.

  She knew what had happened but just couldn’t remember it.

  Wouldn’t remember it as it was painful even to recall.

  Dora’s body was still on the bed when she went closer to look at her. Where Maddy had held her hand, the fingers were folded in the same position.

  To Maddy, Dora looked like she was sleeping but the tearful expression in Liam’s eyes said it all as well as the weeping sound in the room.

  All Maddy did was stare at the beautiful child lying on the bed.

  That was the only image in her mind.

  ‘Why aren’t you answering my calls?’

  Stan’s voice said as she listened to the message. ‘Ted called me as you didn’t go to Rome. He found out because the hotel rang him. Maddy, where are you? I’m really worried.’

  She sat there listening to the message again and again.

  Right now, she didn’t want to speak to him. Her annoyance about what he had written seemed stupid considering what had happened.

  The next message was from Ted.

  ‘You left in the middle of the night, and I know you went back home. Madeleine, you’ve just suffered a tremendous shock, and you can’t be alone. I’m coming to get you this morning.’

  Shaking her head furiously, she threw the mobile across the room and sat very still on her sofa, pulling the hood of her dog suit over her eyes.

  Then she silently wept.

  The full horror of what happened the day b
efore hit her hard, and she didn’t know what to do.

  There was nothing she could do.

  Had she been a brilliant person; a very good friend to Dora, she would have found a cure and the child wouldn’t have died. She truly thought her love would pull Dora through, make Dora better.

  Maddy realised she was a fool for thinking so.

  ‘Love,’ she whispered. ‘When you love someone, you get hurt.’

  Right now, she was no use to anyone, and Maddy wondered if she ever really was any use at all.

  ‘Let me in!’

  He was hammering on her door. Then she heard him bang even louder. ‘I will break it down!’

  Good to his word, Ted was standing on the doorstep causing a racket as she sat on the sofa.

  ‘Maddy?’ The voice made her heart skip before it twisted her gut. ‘Ted told me what happened. Please let us in.’ Stan sounded in pain. ‘You can’t be alone right now.’

  All she could do was close her eyes and let the tears fall down her cheeks.

  ‘Dora,’ she mouthed, holding in the sob. ‘Dora.’

  There was more banging, and she heard talking.

  ‘Maddy probably just wants to be on her own,’ Stan said. ‘And I think we should let her take some time out. Shit, she was with Dora when she died.’ His voice broke, and she heard a little sob. ‘That beautiful child. What a waste.’

  ‘You didn’t see her yesterday. I’m scared. The last time she had that same look was when she got ill, and I just worry, you see.’

  ‘Give her some space. She’ll have to come out sometime.’

  Maddy had no intention of going anywhere.

  ‘Are you going to speak?’

  Pearl asked as Maddy listened to the call. ‘I know you can hear me and the funeral is tomorrow. Please, can you talk to me? It’s stressing me out.’

  ‘Hello,’ she said, holding the receiver, knowing that’s the last thing she wanted to do.

  ‘Oh Maddy.’ Pearl started to cry as Maddy felt the same tears fall down her cheeks. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Then don’t.’

  ‘We’re worried sick about you, and I know you’re hurting, but Ted is going crazy not to mention Stan.’ There was a hesitation in her voice. ‘How are you?’

  The only response she could give was to start crying because there were no words to explain how she felt.

  Nothing.

  Her insides felt empty, and the only thing that she did feel was a pain she’d never experienced before.

  It was shocking as it was devastating as it was strong.

  It was something that Maddy couldn’t control.

  It was showing her that something truly bad had happened.

  ‘You’re going like that?’

  Ted looked at her up and down as she stood on her doorstep. ‘Maddy, you have to change.’

  ‘I wore it when she died.’ She blinked her sore eyes. ‘Linda asked that I dress up.’

  ‘And you look terrible. It’s not the clothing I’m talking about.’

  ‘It is what she wanted.’ Maddy glared at him. ‘Don’t say anything, okay? I have to get through this day.’

  He grabbed her and put her in the waiting cab as they drove in silence to the church.

  Maddy held her breath hard when she saw the children with their parents waiting outside.

  ‘Stop the car,’ she said, trying to compose herself. ‘Can you please stop?’ She put her head in her hands, shaking her head. ‘This is a bad dream, isn’t it? A really bad dream.’ Maddy looked at Ted’s tear-filled eyes. ‘Wake me up. Will you please wake me up?’

  ‘It’s not a dream,’ he said, stroking her face, instantly wet with her large, fat and unhappy tears. ‘It’s real.’

  She sat up straight and closed her eyes.

  Maddy promised she would be strong for Linda, that’s what Dora wanted.

  The car continued and then stopped. As she got out the car, Maddy looked at the ground. She couldn’t see anything as her vision was blurred.

  All she knew that her hand had been grabbed and she was lead into the church.

  While she stood and watched the coffin Dora and she had chosen, all she did was shake her head from side to side in disbelief.

  Songs and words and sobs.

  That’s all she could hear.

  And her sobbing silently as her breathing became heavy.

  Maddy didn’t know what was happening.

  It was a terrible dream.

  They walked out to the place where Dora was going to be buried, and Maddy stared at the coffin, seeing it lowered.

  The sobs got louder and louder.

  It was her making the horrendous sound.

  Then she looked at the hand holding firmly onto her and was confused.

  Stan had been with her all the way through, and she hadn’t even noticed.

  ‘Go away.’

  She said, her voice breaking through the tears. ‘I want to be alone.’

  He had walked her to the park as she refused to go back to Dora’s house after the funeral.

  That’s the last place she wanted to be.

  All Maddy wanted to do was lie down and sob.

  ‘Maddy, I want to talk to you and-.’

  ‘Please just go. Thank you for being with me, but I know what you did, the column and what you said about me. I can’t forgive you.’ Maddy rubbed her face. ‘But it’s not important now. Something much worse happened and that makes everything else irrelevant. Stan, go away.’

  ‘I need to explain what I wrote and-.’

  ‘I’m just throwaway, aren’t I? That’s what everyone thinks. And you wrote about me in a horrible way. You want to slap me in the face because I’m so irritating.’

  ‘That’s not true, and you know it.’

  ‘How can I believe anything you say when all you did is ridicule and use me?’

  ‘You know-.’

  ‘You were right, you know. I was wasting my time hoping I’d change things when I can’t. My life has been such a waste of time.’ Maddy got up and walked away.

  ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘I don’t know and don’t pretend you give a shit when you don’t.’ She then stopped and realised she would have to tell him the truth. ‘You only invited me to your flat once. I know I’m not good enough for you, or you’re ashamed of me that’s why you kept me a secret. You were probably too embarrassed to be sleeping with the dog with rabies.’

  ‘That’s not true.’

  ‘But the real reason is, though you didn’t want me near you or in your own home, is so you could inflict yourself on me for six weeks. That gave you enough fodder to write about me for a year, didn’t it?’ Maddy felt the hot tears hitting her cheeks and the full throttle of the humiliation and hurt she was feeling. ‘The day I came to see you, the day I saw Giselle there, I was going to tell you I liked you a lot.’ She wiped her tears away seeing he glanced away and shook his head. ‘You didn’t even ask me in then, not as a kind gesture. I was standing outside, and that’s when I realised you don’t want me in your flat, let alone your life; only when you need me to do you a favour or if you want to be nasty about me.’ Then she gulped hard. ‘Or someone for casual sex.’

  ‘I have never been nasty about you, especially in the column and don’t say that about us making love. You know that’s not true. You’re hurting badly right now.’

  ‘You don’t know how I feel!’ she said, stepping back. ‘I know I’m hurting. I’m hurting so much right now so please don’t tell me what I know. If you have any respect for me, which I doubt, then you’d tell me the truth. I was used to getting Giselle jealous, and it worked. I feel betrayed. Please don’t rock up and tell me you care when you don’t. And you’ve got nothing to worry about. You can walk on by and forget about me. What’s the point anyway?’

  ‘Maddy?’

  ‘And you know what? I told you I was bullied by people pretending to be nice when they eventually turned on me. You’re worse than them. Yo
u’re far worse because I trusted you and thought you liked me. I’m such an idiot!’

  She knew she was upset and was venting at Stan, but she didn’t care.

  Not now.

  Her pain was too fierce.

  ‘I’m sorry about Dora. Ted told me you were with her when she passed away.’

  ‘She told me to tell you something.’ Maddy shook her head slowly from side to side. ‘But it’s a waste of my time. Chat, chat, chat, that’s all I do but not anymore.’

  ‘Tell me what?’

  Bracing herself for a moment, Maddy was at a loss on what to say but knew a line had been drawn, and there was no turning back.

  ‘Dora died on my birthday, and nothing but nothing can change that. I think the damage is done and it can’t be repaired.’

  ‘Maddy!’ He stood up, and she could see he was visibly shocked. ‘You are in a bad place right now.’

  ‘You’re better off without me. I can’t help myself let alone anyone else, so you’re right about me being a mishap.’

  She turned and ran as fast and as far as she could.

  Her heart was breaking, and she didn’t want one of the causes to see how badly.

  ‘You’re not thinking straight.’

  Marian said as Maddy sat in her boss’s office staring into space. ‘It has only been three weeks since…’ She glanced at the older woman and noticed the hesitation. ‘When grieving, you need to take your time and not make rash decisions. I know you’re hurting and-.’

  ‘I’m sick and tired of people telling me how I feel and what I should be doing,’ replied Maddy wearily, putting the paw of her costume over her face. ‘I know how I feel and that’s not going to stop. I’m making the right decision. I’ve thought about it.’

  ‘I don’t think you have.’

  Maddy glared at Marian who seemed to back off for a second seeing that her words were not helping.

  ‘I do the work for free. I don’t have to work as you’ve figured out. I wanted to do something good, make things better but I can’t. I can’t do anything. All the leaflets and the messages on the website make no difference. They’re going to die, and I can’t stop it. No matter what I do, the inevitable is going to happen. No amount of me prancing around in a costume is going to help. I don’t want to work, and I am pulling out of the hospice. I know what you’re going to say, but I’ve made my decision. I just wanted to tell you face to face.’