by S M Mala
‘Maddy,’ Marian sighed and grabbed her hand. ‘Don’t do this. I’m not telling you what to do and how to feel. I know you loved Dora and she loved you.’ Immediately tears stabbed at Maddy’s eyes as she blinked them away. ‘Take time away and rethink. I would happily pay you just for you to change your mind, but I know your heart is not in it right now and you need some space. Take as long as you like.’
‘I’m no help to anyone.’
‘You are, but right now you can’t see it.’
After she left the hospice, skulking out the back way to avoid anyone, Maddy walked all the way home and didn’t know what to do.
The three weeks since Dora had died was a complete haze.
All she knew was that she felt alone and isolated.
And for the first time in her life she didn’t mind, it didn’t bother her.
In fact, that’s how she wanted to be.
The bottom line was she couldn’t help anyone let alone herself.
In that time, she watched a lot of footage of Dora and re-read the messages they had sent each other. It didn’t make sense that Dora wasn’t around.
Maddy felt she was there, but that was for her comfort.
And she cried.
Boy, did she cry.
The only thing she wore was her underwear and the three different dog suits. That was all she needed, and it felt comforting as if she was being embraced with a warmth which was quite silly as the beginning of August had been quite warm.
As she strolled through the park she could have easily taken it off and paraded in her underwear, then she heard the familiar barking and stopped.
Her heart lurched when she saw Phyllis running up to her. She scooped the dog into her arms and Phyllis tilted her head back in the usual way, and Maddy cuddled her.
‘It’s so good to see you,’ she said, holding back her tears. ‘I missed you so much.’
There was a lot of woofing, and Maddy put her down as she ran away. That’s when she saw him walking towards her and looking down.
‘She misses you,’ Stan said, not glancing up. ‘I understand you don’t want company, but you can’t suddenly drop someone who cares and depends on you. You have a responsibility.’
Then their eyes met, and he frowned.
The stare was about thirty seconds before he looked away.
‘Phyllis is yours. I monopolised her, but I can’t look after her as well as you can. I shouldn’t confuse her. I should keep away.’ She let out a little sigh after speaking so quickly and kept on looking at him. ‘Stan, I don’t mind what you wrote about me, not now. I was upset, but you were right about me trying to do good when I was just interfering. What the hell did I think I was doing? I can’t mend anything or anyone. I couldn’t stop Pearl from taking an overdose. Ted screwed that slut and lied to me because he thought I’d get sick. And Dora.’ She wanted to cry even mentioning her name. ‘I’m a bloody joke!’
‘Can you stop talking?’ He stepped closer as Phyllis was gently banging her leg with a wagging tail. ‘You look like shit.’
‘Ah.’ Maddy then diverted her eyes.
‘Have you been sick?’
‘No!’ She stepped back, annoyed with the comment. ‘Why would you ask that?’
‘You just don’t look well.’
‘I can’t sleep,’ she honestly replied and started to get angry. ‘I try but I can’t. So, what if I look like shit? No-one’s going to look at me!’
‘Go home and try and get some sleep,’ replied Stan, leaning down to attach the lead to Phyllis’s collar. ‘But you can’t turn your back on things because it doesn’t suit you.’
Maddy watched him walk away as Phyllis barked out loudly and she stood rooted to the spot.
It was obvious not one single person she knew understood how she felt and this is why she was right to be alone.
Now and forever.
‘It hurts.’
Sitting in her GP’s office, Maddy knew that three months after Dora’s death she wasn’t in a good state. Knowing it could turn worse and not succumbing to the vomiting, she was having a problem.
Eating.
Because all she wanted to do was throw up her insides, hoping the pain would go away, and her body would become much lighter.
But she had made a promise to Dora, now knowing it was the last time they spoke before she died.
And that promise was going to be kept.
‘I’ve examined your throat and taken your blood pressure, you look fine. Madeleine, sometimes these things come out differently. You must eat.’
‘But I can’t.’
‘And why are you wearing a suit? I’ve seen you around town walking in this heat. You will make yourself sick.’ She looked into the man’s face, Dr. Woods, the family GP. He was now very wrinkly and grey but had helped her since she had bulimia. ‘But I’m pleased you’re controlling it. After your grandmother died, there was a blip.’
‘I want to throw up, I really do,’ she whispered. ‘I know it will make me ill so I’m not going to.’
‘And have you thought the throwing up is a way of dealing with the angst and hurt. Now not eating is another way of harming yourself.’
‘I can’t eat!’ Maddy burst into tears. ‘I can’t.’
‘Maddy,’ he said, touching her hand. ‘You’re depressed and upset. It manifests its way in many different outlets. Eat a little as you need nourishment and to make sure you don’t get ill. You know this.’
‘Can’t you give me something for it?’ she asked, wiping her tears on the arm of her suit.
‘I am not giving you medication. You can get through this, but I need you to check in every fortnight, so I know you’re okay. Listen, if it gets too much, we can sort out some counselling.’
Pulling her hand away, she stood up.
‘No. Thank you.’
‘You’d rather pop pills than speak to someone,’ he asked with a scowl. ‘Maybe you need your friends right now.’
‘I haven’t got any.’ Maddy took a deep breath. ‘Well, if I do, I don’t need them, and they certainly don’t need me.’
‘Here!’
Stan handed over Phyllis two hours later and plonked her in Maddy’s arms as she stood on her doorstep. ‘You can’t love something then turn it away. That’s not what people do. The rota hasn’t been cancelled. I let you have some time off. Thirteen weeks to be precise. But we made a deal, and you stick to it!’
She had never heard him raise his voice or look angry as he marched away and drove off in his car. As she looked at Phyllis gazed lovingly at her she smiled.
Phyllis was the exception to the rule as she wasn’t human therefore the ban wouldn’t apply to her.
And she had missed the little dog so much.
Also, the owner.
‘I love you, baby. Help me tidy up,’ she said and closed the door, watching the car disappear into the distance. ‘I’m making some changes.’
Her mind focussed on all the things she should be doing now she was thirty.
Gone were her childish dreams and wishes.
The death of Dora had put paid to that.
Holding the pooch, she walked into her bedroom and let the dog sit on her bed.
‘I’m cleaning things out, and it’s good to have company. All these spots have to go.’ Maddy glanced at the pile of clothes. ‘They’re not needed anymore.’
Phyllis yelped in response as she folded everything neatly into piles. It was when she was finished Maddy realised she didn’t have many clothes left. Just the odd plain item but five things hung in her wardrobe.
‘Those spots were like an epidemic on my mind, my clothes, and shoes. Even my underwear. They have to go as it has been negative in my life, not positive.’ When she uttered the words, she inwardly grimaced knowing Dora loved her spots. ‘The person who liked them the most can’t see them anymore and I need to respect that. The spots belong to Dora now not me.’
Phyllis tilted her head in confusion before sitting down, her
ears alert to Maddy’s words.
‘I’m sorry I neglected you.’ Maddy sat next to the dog. ‘That wasn’t the intention. I’m hurting badly, and you know I love you, I really do.’ She closed her eyes and ran her fingers through the soft fur. ‘But I miss Dora too.’
Phyllis got up and sat on her lap in her baby position as Maddy rocked her gently.
‘I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I should carry on. I don’t want to go back to the hospice and see the children. I always thought Dora would get better. I hoped she would.’
Slowly she looked at the clothes in her bedroom and the sparse amount left in the wardrobe.
‘That’s me, Phyllis. Empty.’
‘What’s that?’
Maddy was waking up from a deep sleep but the noise being created on the front door was vibrating through her home. Phyllis stood up and looked scared as she barked in response.
As she stood, Maddy faltered and had to steady herself.
‘Who is it?’ she shouted out, taking a deep breath and walking down the stairs. She peeked through the spy hole and saw a red-faced Ted. ‘Why bang so hard?’
Just as she was opening the door, Ted pushed in and marched over to the kitchen. Phyllis stood next to her as they both looked to see what he was doing.
‘Morning,’ Maddy said as Ted opened her kitchen cupboards and then the fridge. ‘What are you looking for?’
‘You have lost the ability to answer your phone, and then I ran into Marian at a party who told me you’ve resigned.’ He walked slowly up to her and stood still. ‘You shouldn’t make any decisions right now. You need that job and-.’
‘Were you checking if I had food?’ She narrowed her eyes accusingly at him. ‘You think I’m bingeing and throwing up?’
‘Why aren’t you answering your phone?’
‘I said I wouldn’t throw up!’ Maddy snapped. ‘I promised you and Dora and my parents and Pearl. I never go back on my word.’
‘Madeleine,’ Ted said gently, holding onto her dog sleep suit. ‘I love you, and I worry.’
‘Don’t worry.’
‘Hello, pooch.’ He glanced down at Phyllis. ‘Did Stan visit? He has been really upset and thinks you’re acting erratically.’
‘I’m not acting anything. I need to find what I do now considering I’m shit at most things.’ Pursing her lips, she walked to the kitchen and washed out Phyllis’s water bowl before getting her breakfast ready. ‘I can’t go back to the place where I lost her. Not now or ever.’
Phyllis trotted into the kitchen and started eating her food.
‘It’s the first time in months since I slept because of Phyllis. No bad dreams or things that upset me.’ Maddy turned to look at Ted, his face etched with concern. ‘And you woke me up.’
‘If I could change things, you know I would. I adored that little girl, and I’m sorry.’ He started to tear up. ‘But you’re alive and bring so much sunshine and hope to those children. Dora wouldn’t-.’
‘Dora’s not here,’ she whispered, glancing out the window. ‘And whatever I tried to do failed. My positive frame of mind and thinking is bullshit. Who was I trying to fool? Me mainly. You must think I’m an idiot. I know Stan does. Did I tell you I’ve now read everything he has ever written since we met, even up to last week?’ Feeling sick thinking about the cutting words that had also kept her up at night, Maddy swallowed hard. ‘He’s quite funny but a little cruel at times. At least he spotted that I was a waste of space.’
‘He has never written that.’
‘I can read between the lines.’ Taking a deep breath, she put the kettle on. ‘Do you want a drink?’
‘I want to talk to you.’ She heard him walk closer. ‘I am not going to tell you what you feel or how to think. I know lots of people would probably try, but I know better. Pearl and I love you lots, and we want to make sure you’re better. Three months you’ve been out of sorts.’
‘I’m not ill.’
‘You’re not a waste of space. You’re a ray of sunshine, and a cloud has just hidden you for a moment. That’s all.’
‘It was a game, all a game. How could I have thought that being positive and fundraising for the hospice would save her life? I couldn’t even do that.’
‘All your work has made that a haven for sick children. Somewhere their parents can take them knowing people like you care.’ She felt Ted wrap his arms around her waist as she swallowed all the free-flowing tears. ‘You are very special.’
‘I can’t be that special,’ she wept. ‘If I were, Dora would still be alive today, wouldn’t she?’
‘I want to die.’
Maddy said it and saw Pearl’s eyes widen with annoyance. ‘You wanted to die. That’s why you took the overdose. You wanted the same thing.’
‘I wasn’t in the right frame of mind,’ her friend replied, on the verge of tears while looking at her sleeping child in the buggy. ‘She is nearly nine months old and hasn’t seen you for ages, and neither have I.’ Pearl then turned and looked her in the eye. ‘And that’s a stupid thing to say. Mind you, if you refuse to eat then you will end up killing yourself. Why are you wearing that bloody suit! It’s hot!’
‘Don’t snap! I made an effort to come here so I’ll go home if you’re going to be rude!’
Maddy tried to get to her feet but felt dizzy.
Pearl got her arm and dragged her to sit down.
‘You’re staying with me until you sort your head out,’ Pearl said in her bossy, authoritative tone. ‘TJ is worried sick. He said he saw you walking about and his expression was that you looked lost. He beeped at you, and you ignored him.’
‘I don’t take notice of people beeping at me from cars. They might be kerb-crawlers.’
‘Who is going to want to pick you up dressed like that?’ Pearl said, starting to laugh.
‘Men with fetishes for animals,’ she replied indignantly. ‘I have to go. Phyllis is coming.’
‘Ah.’ Pearl raised her eyebrows and stared. ‘Stan was upset that you neglected your joint pet. I told him you had done even worse to Honey.’
‘That’s unfair!’
‘You can mourn the dead, but you need to appreciate the living, Madeleine Berkeley.’ She put an arm around Maddy. ‘I hate to see you like this. I know I’m to blame when I had my incident.’
Maddy looked down at her hands again not wanting to think about what happened.
‘You were upset, and now you’re fine. Honey has her mummy.’
‘She misses you too.’
‘How would she? She can’t probably remember me.’
‘Did you see her little smile and those teeth coming through when she sat eyes on you?’ Pearl said, kissing Maddy’s forehead. ‘She remembers you alright. And then there’s Stan.’
‘What about Stan?’ she coolly replied while standing up. ‘He never liked me and was just after some funny anecdotes to write about, hence him pretending to be my friend. Giselle told me everything, and I read the column too. Do you think he’s a misogynist?’ Pearl let out a weary sigh and got to her feet. ‘I like him,’ Maddy gulped. ‘I really did.’
‘Listen, this is what he does. Write funny things about day to day life. Doesn’t it tell you something that he wrote about you each week?’
‘Yep. He thinks I’m a joke.’ Maddy glanced lovingly at a sleeping baby. ‘She’s lucky. She can sleep. I can only catch a few winks when I have Phyllis, other than that, I’m up most of the night.’
She noticed Pearl was staring at her before touching a loose curl that had fallen out.
‘Why do you think he mentioned you?’ she whispered as Maddy shook her head from side to side. ‘Because he found you interesting and that’s good. I know I warned you about him, but I know what you’re like. You fall hard very quickly. I worry you see, especially after that last monstrosity you went out with.’
‘I wasn’t even going out with Stan. He never told me were together. We spent a lot of time at my home.’ She bit her lip.
‘Don’t,’ she said, starting to cry. ‘I can’t stop the tears. They won’t go away.’
‘You’re sad. You have to grieve.’
‘I wish I didn’t.’
Pearl grabbed her firmly by the shoulders and hugged her fiercely before letting her go.
‘And you have to eat, Maddy. I’m pleased you're not sick. You’re not being sick, are you?’ Maddy shook her head from side to side again. ‘I know Ted asked and we worry about you but you not eating isn’t right. Don’t make this fester into something else.’
‘I can’t.’ Maddy stepped back and wiped her face with the paw of the puppy suit. ‘It hurts. I told the doctor, and he said I have to keep on seeing him. I asked for tablets to sleep and he said no.’
‘What are you eating?’
‘Cauliflower rice and tzatziki.’
She knew what was going to happen next.
All she had to do was look into Pearl’s eyes.
‘That’s it? What are you having for breakfast?’
‘The same,’ Maddy meekly replied.
‘And dinner?’
‘I add mangetout and baby corn on the cob.’
‘Maddy! That’s all vegetables and a small amount of protein. God! Why didn’t you tell me you were starving?’ she asked, realising she had raised her voice then put a hand over her mouth. ‘That’s not enough to live on. I’ll make you something to eat and will bring it to your home. You need nourishment.’
‘Don’t,’ groaned Maddy, starting to walk away. ‘It’s fine. I like the food.’
‘I will put them in small containers and-.’
Maddy noticed the hesitation and turned to look at her friend.