by S M Mala
‘And what?’
‘You shouldn’t be living alone, not right now. I know you want to, but this isn’t right.’
‘I want to be alone.’
‘No, you don’t Maddy. You don’t know what you want.’
And Pearl wasn’t far wrong.
‘What are you doing here?’
Two days later she found Stan on her sofa playing guitar and Phyllis running around her living room. ‘How did you get in?’
‘I have spare keys,’ he said, carrying on with his strumming.
‘You can’t just come in willy-nilly,’ she huffed and walked towards him. ‘This is my home.’
‘And it was mine too. I need to be here right now.’ Then Stan looked at her and shook his head. ‘I went upstairs to unpack my bag. I noticed your wardrobe was open. Where are your clothes?’
‘Why do you need to be here?’
‘Answer my question.’
Maddy dropped her rucksack to the ground and walked away.
She wasn’t in the mood as Phyllis followed her up the stairs. Glancing into the spare room, there was a bag, so she realised he wasn’t kidding. Then she walked into her bedroom and sat on the bed, staring into space, not knowing what to do. Phyllis sat next to her, the tail wagging furiously.
‘Where have all the spots gone?’ she heard him say, making her jump. ‘Even your underwear is plain.’
‘What are you doing here?’ she sharply asked, turning to look at him. ‘I didn’t invite you.’
‘Are you going to answer my question?’
‘I decided that the spots were for Dora and now she’s gone, I don’t need them. Time to move on and forget all childish things.’ She stared out the window while stroking Phyllis. ‘Got to get real, so they so.’
‘And jacking in your job is the way forward?’
‘Who told you?’
Stan walked past her and stood at the window, so she could see him. He looked tired and upset.
Maddy put that down to him being in the same vicinity as her.
‘Your friends are worried about you. They think you’re going to get sick. Your boss, or should I say ex-boss, is sure you’re not making the right decision about resigning. Even Linda thinks-.’
‘You spoke to Linda?’ Maddy couldn’t hide the alarm in her voice.
‘They know this has hit you hard.’ He sunk down to crouch on the floor. ‘I know you think I’m a piece of shit right now but I’m not. If you want to vent your hate and anger at me, that’s fine, I’ll take it. I can only imagine how you’re feeling. You need the people who love you, and whether or not you like it, you need me.’
‘I don’t need anyone,’ she surly replied, still stroking Phyllis.
‘Why not?’
‘Because when you love and care about someone, they let you down.’
‘That’s a stupid thing to say!’ he laughed out, shaking his head.
‘When you do good things, they backfire on you.’
‘Even stupider.’
‘When you fall in love eventually your heart will get broken.’
‘Only if you let it.’
‘When you confide in someone they will betray your trust and become a hot new cult writer at the expense of your feelings.’ Maddy whispered. ‘As if they never cared about you, like it was all pretend.’
Stan stared at her as she stared back.
Right then she didn’t feel anything.
It was if she was numb from any feeling other than despair.
‘You want me to answer that?’ he asked, getting to his feet. ‘I’m not going to as you know better. Deep down you do. I know you do.’
Maddy closed her eyes and listened to his footsteps as he walked out and down the stairs.
Then he started to play the guitar, badly.
She wasn’t quite sure what the tune was, but all she knew was that her heartstrings had been broken, very much like her heart.
Very much like Stan was trying to do to his guitar.
‘Eating is not your strongest point.’
Stan was sitting opposite her the following morning as she had the cauliflower rice. He was eating a bowl of cereal and this time fully dressed. ‘And whatever that is, well, it’s not right.’
‘Go home,’ she muttered, ignoring him while taking a small mouthful. ‘Leave me alone.’
‘To do what? Wander around town in your dog suit? Even Phyllis is better groomed than you.’
‘I don’t smell!’ she snapped, throwing her fork down. ‘I shower every day.’
‘Do you wash the suits?’
‘I get them dry cleaned.’ Then she shook her head furiously. ‘I don’t have to answer to you or anyone!’ Maddy swore he smirked. ‘I don’t need people. I’m happy on my own!’
‘Everyone needs someone. Even a self-pitying little pup like you needs someone.’
‘Piss off!’
‘No, Madeleine, I won’t. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.’ Then he cleared his throat. ‘Today you are coming out to lunch at the pub.’
‘Why?’
‘It’s Sunday.’
‘I’m not going.’
‘Ted says you have to.’ He finished his breakfast then took his bowl to the kitchen. ‘And I want you to come out as you need a change of scenery.’
Maddy stared at her half-eaten food and didn’t want to tell Stan she felt sick to her stomach. The last thing she needed was to be in the company of people she didn’t like.
‘Pearl is bringing Honey, and they want to have lunch with you.’ Stan walked up to her, pulling a chair to sit. ‘Look at me.’ She hesitated for a while and turned her head to see the clear eyes staring back. ‘I can tell, just from looking at you right now, that you’re not eating enough.’
‘Don’t!’ she barked at him.
‘Hey,’ he replied, gently holding onto her arm. ‘I’m not going to force you. You know Ted didn’t tell your parents what has been going on. He knows they’ll either demand you get on the first plane to see them or they’ll come here. Maddy, you’re going to have to play ball. While you think about things and try to make sense out of something terrible, you have to stay focused.’
‘On what?’ she asked, not knowing what he meant. ‘What’s there to focus on? I have no focus. I was delusional to think that I could do something good when I can’t. What use am I to anyone?’
He clasped his hands and rested his chin on the table, deep in thought then turned sharply to look at her as he let out a large sigh.
‘I told you one day this would backfire on you. The happy persona would meet a wall and that you wouldn’t be able to cope. Prove me wrong.’
‘You were right!’ Maddy let out a large, false laugh. ‘How right have you been about me? I’m irritating and stupid. Head in the clouds and annoying to all and sundry. You’d rather punch me in the face then spend a minute in my company, isn’t that right?’ Angry tears came to her eyes. ‘I don’t blame you! I’d like to beat me to a pulp and slap me around and scream at me.’ Then she got her fists and started to bang her head. ‘What was I thinking? What was I thinking?’
‘Stop it!’ he shouted and held her wrists tightly. ‘Don’t hurt yourself when you’re hurting because you’re going to end up hurting the people who love you. Maddy, just stop beating yourself up, literally and emotionally. You couldn’t have saved Dora, don’t you understand? The thing is, you were the only one that thought you could, and that was wonderful, really wonderful.’
Her eyes darted up, and she noticed he was crying.
‘I-,’ was all she could say.
There were no other words to describe what was going on in her head.
‘Nothing,’ whispered Maddy, summing it up.
‘She doesn’t look well.’
Maddy was on the corner of the sofa cuddled up with Phyllis to her side. She got the impression because her hood was up they thought she was deaf.
The comment made her sink deeper into the large sofa as she rested he
r head against the arm. Her line of vision was at Honey who was dressed in the pretty polka dot dress Maddy had bought her. TJ happily bounced his beautiful daughter on his knee which attracted admirers. Pearl was talking to Stan and Ted while constantly glancing proudly at her daughter; then discreetly looking at Maddy which was blatantly obvious.
No-one spoke to her.
They walked around as if she wasn’t there and that’s what she wanted.
To be invisible.
Then she stared at the small glass of wine that had been placed on the table, untouched by her lips. Phyllis walked up on her lap and settled down. The pooch smelt of sausages from her lunch.
Closing her eyes, she couldn’t remember feeling happy for weeks.
It was a strange emotion that she didn’t relate to.
By being obliging and keeping the peace, her sitting at the pub would keep everyone off her back for a while. They would realise she was fine and then they should happily go on with their little lives.
Then she spotted Stasia peering into Stan’s face. The woman looked upset as she flicked a pained glance over at her and shook her head.
‘Eat.’ Ted sat next to her. She noticed a small burger placed next to the wine glass. ‘I know what your diet is now, and you need something a little bit more solid.’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘I will feed you then.’
‘Ted, I’m not a child.’
‘Then stop acting like one,’ he sharply replied, making Maddy lift her head to look at him.
In that one instant, she was enraged as Maddy grabbed the burger and took a small bite before throwing it back on the plate.
She frantically chewed but there was no saliva in her mouth, and then there was the awful feeling that started when you’re about to choke.
‘Spit it out!’ Stan said rushing up, as she tried to gulp for air.
He put a napkin over her mouth as she emptied the food from her mouth, still unable to swallow. Then Stan put his pint to her lips, so she could take a gulp.
The bitterness of the beer made her want to throw up, and she was on the verge.
‘Take a deep breath,’ he said gently. ‘I know you can’t stand beer.’
All she did was glare at a concerned looking Ted who grimaced in response. Her heart pounded fast in her chest, and she held onto Phyllis, not wanting to alarm the dog.
‘I just want to help,’ groaned Ted, putting his head in his hands before looking back at her. ‘You don’t speak, and you don’t eat. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Do nothing,’ she eventually said, but all she could do was look at Stan staring. There was something happening behind his eyes, she couldn’t figure out. ‘Time is a great healer, so they say.’
‘Will you heal?’ asked Stan, troubled at the thought. ‘Do you want to heal? Your silence speaks volumes.’
Maddy placed her head back on the arm of the sofa and examined his face.
‘You should be happy. You’re sick of hearing my voice.’
‘You just won’t let up, will you?’ he replied, getting to his feet and taking the barely eaten burger away.
‘Maddy!’ Ted dragged her to sit up as he held her tightly. ‘This isn’t like you.’
‘You’re squashing Phyllis,’ she replied, pulling the pooch out of the way.
‘Let’s go.’ Stan walked to them and picked up Phyllis. ‘You need to go home.’
‘She should stay here a bit,’ interjected Ted before clearing his throat. ‘Why are you staying at her place?’
‘Because,’ replied Stan and glanced at Maddy, bending down to attach the lead to Phyllis’s collar.
‘Because what?’
‘Because I care about her but right now, she doesn’t even care about herself, so I have to make sure she’s okay. That’s the least I can do.’
Maddy double blinked and wasn’t sure what he meant.
Neither was Ted from his expression but just as he was about to say something Pearl walked up to them with Honey in her arms. The baby let out a happy screech and stretched her arms out towards Maddy.
‘She wants you,’ said Pearl. ‘Take her.’
Maddy stared at the smiling child and then looked at Pearl.
‘I can’t,’ she mumbled, standing up. ‘I shouldn’t.’
‘You should.’
Next thing the baby was put into her arms, and she looked at the pretty little face smiling at her and tried to smile back, but she couldn’t. Seeing Honey made her want to smile so she quickly handed her back, grabbed her rucksack and ran out of the pub into a shower of rain.
The idea that something could happen to Honey made her scared, and she needed to get away from anyone that could break her heart.
Through the park, she sprinted until she couldn’t run anymore and bent over to catch her breath. Tears dripped down her face as she didn’t know what to think or feel.
Phyllis’s bark made her look up, and Stan was walking towards her.
He pulled her up and wrapped his arms around her, pressing her head so it would go into his chest.
And she cried her heart out because that was all Maddy could do.
He held her tightly, kissing her head on the hood of her suit and rocked her from side to side.
‘You’re breaking my heart, do you know that?’ he whispered, which made her cry louder. ‘I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless as I know you’re in a lot of pain. If I could take it away, I would do. You know that, don’t you?’ All she did was nod. ‘And Ted shouldn’t’ have forced that food in your face. When you’re ready, you’ll eat, I know you will.’
Maddy stepped back and looked up at Stan.
As she opened her mouth, she couldn’t speak but only shook her head from side to side as he wiped her tears with his fingers.
‘I remember hoping you’d be quiet once upon a time, but I wish you’d speak, then I’d know you’re getting better, even what you think. The silence, barking Maddy, I can’t bear the silence as I know it’s all going on in your head. Let me in, please let me in.’
‘I don’t know what to do,’ she eventually said while spluttering it out between her sobs. ‘I’m lost.’
Stan grabbed her face between his hands and stared into her eyes. Her vision was blurred due to the tears and rain falling on her face.
‘You need me, and I need you,’ he whispered. ‘I didn’t realise how much until now.’
‘You feel okay?’
Stan was lying next to her in bed a few days later.
Maddy had gone home that Sunday, totally exhausted and collapsed on her bed. She knew there was company as Phyllis was by her feet and Stan was at her side.
Nothing physical happened between them other than him touching her face to see she was alright.
For two days and night, she was in a deep sleep only waking up when Stan brought her a cup of soup or some water.
He didn’t say anything, pass any comment about what was going on, but she had heard him on the phone whispering, and Maddy knew he was talking about her.
Phyllis was her teddy bear, and she cuddled up to the dog when Stan wasn’t in the room, but she knew he was in the house as there were footsteps downstairs.
‘Are you hungry?’ he asked, peering into her face.
He had stubble and seemed tired as a smile appeared on his lips.
‘I’m okay.’
She wasn’t.
Her body felt like a lead weight, and she couldn’t move. Maddy looked down and noticed he had put her in a light cotton slip, not her usual dog sleepsuit.
‘You don’t need to go anywhere, just rest for a moment,’ Stan whispered. ‘Phyllis is watching telly, and I’ve been working away, writing pieces that will eventually wind you up when you read them.’
Maddy stared at him and didn’t know what to say.
There were no words in her head or heart that could convey what she thought so all she could do was look at him.
Stan swallowed hard and was about to say s
omething then stopped. He let his head hang forward and moved closer to her face.
‘You broke my heart,’ he whispered, starting to get upset. She didn’t know what he meant and frowned. ‘But I know you didn’t mean it because you were upset and confused. One day you’ll realise what I think but no rush. The most important thing is you get better. I want my barking Maddy back, and I know she’s in there, somewhere. I will find her again.’
‘I don’t know,’ she honestly replied. ‘I think she’s gone for good.’
‘She’s just hiding right now,’ Stan said, kissing her forehead. ‘But she’ll be back.’
‘Where are you going?’
Stan was looking at Maddy a few weeks later as she stood in her dog suit glancing at the floor. ‘Madeleine, you’ve only just got the colour back in your cheeks.’
She met his eyes and noticed the gentle smile.
Every day he had been in her home and looked after her.
Because she wasn’t saying much, she had heard him tap away at his keyboard while Phyllis jumped around and barked at the birds in the garden.
Maddy wanted to ask Stan why he was still in her home and what he was doing but she didn’t have the nerve, or energy, to get upset again.
Right now, she was all cried out.
‘I am going to see Linda,’ she replied seeing him grimace and then look sympathetically at her. ‘She texted me to say she wanted to talk.’
‘That’s the most you’ve said in ages.’ He let out a sigh and swallowed hard. ‘It’s lovely to hear your voice. Do you want me to give you a lift?’ She shook her head from side to side. ‘Are you going to be okay getting there on your own?’
‘Yes, I need some air.’
‘Okay.’ Stan put his hands in his pocket and tilted up his hat. ‘You’ll call me if you don’t feel well. I’m going to pop back home and get some clothes plus I need to get some shopping in.’
‘Stan,’ Maddy said, taking a deep breath. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry for, well, I’m just sorry.’
‘I know you’d do the same for me.’ He stepped closer and stroked her cheek. ‘Do you think you could manage a bowl of Cheerios today?’ Maddy nodded and tried to smile, but it was frozen. ‘Then that’s what we’ll have for dinner.’