by S M Mala
Nodding profusely, she held onto the straps of her rucksack and left home.
Taking her time, she walked to the tube and went all the way to where Linda lived.
Then she stopped at the end of the road.
It suddenly hit her where she was going and who used to live there.
Her head became fogged up with confusion as she steadied herself for a moment. But it was as if Linda knew what was going on as she saw her walk to the end of the road.
‘Maddy,’ she said, getting teary and giving her a massive hug. ‘It’s so good to see you.’
‘It’s good to see you.’
They hugged for a while before she was led to the house.
It is when Maddy realised how bad it was for her, knowing she was going to fall to pieces when she walked in. What she wasn’t prepared to see were all the boxes.
‘Where are you going?’ she asked, feeling confused. ‘Are you moving?’
‘We are going to move back to Worcester to be near my parents and my ex. I think Liam needs his dad more than ever and I need mine too.’ Linda let out a sympathetic smile. ‘Dora knew we were going to move when…’ The hesitation and falter in her voice said it all. ‘And now we are. Have you been to her grave?’
Maddy shook her head and walked into the living room feeling devastated but knowing if she showed that to Linda it would make it worse.
‘I know you loved her very much and she loved you,’ Linda said, making Maddy sit on the sofa. ‘Stan and Ted have told me that you’ve taken it badly and Dr. Bob said you have resigned from the hospice. Is that right?’
‘Yes,’ replied Maddy. ‘I can’t face it.’
‘I understand. It must be especially hard, but in time you will go back, I know you will.’
‘I don’t know,’ Maddy said, looking at a picture of Dora when she was little which was hung on the wall. ‘Not right now.’
‘Here.’ Maddy looked down, and Linda was holding an envelope which hard large spots on it. ‘Dora wanted you to have this. She gave strict instruction to open it on Christmas Eve which is nearly five weeks from now. I think she realised you wouldn’t be ready.’
‘No,’ Maddy replied, pushing the envelope away, not wanting to read it. ‘I’ll never be ready. Keep it and-.’
‘You need to read it and see what she says. She asked me specifically to do this the day before she died.’ Linda’s tears freely flowed down her face as Maddy held onto her sob. ‘Keep it with you and read it and see what she has to say. I don’t know what’s in it, but I know it might help you when you’re ready.’
‘I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready,’ Maddy whispered, taking the envelope out of Linda’s hand. ‘I don’t want to be.’
‘It’s hard for me. I miss my baby girl so much,’ sobbed Linda, trying to hold on but letting it out. ‘And I wish, I wish it had all been different, but it’s not. The hospice is going to name a ward after Dora because of all the fundraising she did. The Saturday before Christmas they’re doing another fun run, and she thought it would be a perfect time.’
Maddy stared at Linda now realising what her young friend had been up to.
‘She laughed so much when she saw the footage of your doing the run in May. Oh, Maddy, you did make her very happy. Part of me was devastated that I wasn’t with her when she died but you were. And that made up for it. I know she would have been safe with you and not scared.’ She gulped back more tears. ‘And I know you were shocked as if you didn’t think it would happen. Maddy, deep down you knew she was ill.’
‘I should have done something to stop it!’ Maddy started crying again, and this time it hurt more than before. ‘There’s a world we should have gone to, a world that could have helped.’
‘Had they found the right donor, she would have had to undergo heart and lung surgery. Dora had got so weak she didn’t want to go through that even if someone had turned up. Can’t you see? She was tired and wanted to do some good out of her illness. And she did with you. Don’t throw away all your hard work because you’re hurting. Make her proud. Let’s raise money for the place that made her life worth living. And you. Never forgetting you.’
Maddy sat there, looking at the envelope and wondered what Dora’s words of wisdom were waiting for her.
But she wasn’t sure if she could face reading them, now or ever.
‘Maddy, please pick up!’
She was shocked when she listened to the message, it knocked Maddy sideways. Stan sounded upset. ‘It’s urgent.’
Stopping in her tracks, she didn’t know what to do.
All she could think about was what was in the letter she had carefully hidden in her rucksack. Her heart was beating fast, and she felt giddy but pressed the recall button and heard the ringing.
‘Maddy,’ Stan said, sounding as if he was crying. ‘It’s Phyllis. She’s been knocked over.’
‘What?’ Immediately Maddy wanted to throw up. ‘When?’
‘Half an hour ago and we’re at the vet's. Can you come home, please? I’m really scared.’
‘How did it happen?’ she asked, hearing her voice break while she rushed down the road. ‘How badly hurt is she?’
‘She was out cold, and I just ran to the vets. I…’ He was holding his breath. ‘I thought she was dead and I didn’t know what to do. It’s my fault! I let her off the lead, and she ran off. A car came, and she got hit.’ Stan broke down, and Maddy’s heart was crumbling. ‘My poor Phyl, my poor baby.’
‘Don’t cry, you have to be strong. I’ll be there as soon as I can. It’s quicker by train, especially with the rush hour traffic. She’s going to be fine. Our puppy is strong, and she’ll get through this. I’ll be there soon.’
She hung up and ran as fast as she could to the tube station, jumping on the first train.
There was an overwhelming feeling of fear, knowing that if anything happened to the pup, she certainly wouldn’t see any light from the end of the elusive tunnel people kept telling her about.
Everything looked bleak, and she needed to do something to help.
Dora, she could do nothing about, but Phyllis could be sorted.
It had to be sorted.
Then the horror that the dog could die ripped through her chest and she wanted to sob.
It was too painful to think about.
When she got to the stop, she ran as fast as she could to the vets, bursting in through the door and seeing Stan turn to look at her.
‘Maddy,’ he said, his eyes red raw.
It was done within a split second, them flinging their arms around each and they kissed.
She felt his tongue in her mouth as her head spun and neither one was letting go.
Someone said something in the background.
The pair jumped apart.
She wasn’t quite sure if that was her or him, but right now, Maddy couldn’t make eye contact. All her resolve about not liking Stan was a pile of bullshit.
She loved him, and her heart was telling her so while her head span.
‘Mr. Franks, I didn’t know you had two pets,’ the nurse said as Maddy noticed the woman was smiling
‘Is Phyllis okay?’ Maddy asked, looking at the familiar face of the nurse called Hilary. ‘How badly hurt is she? What did the doc say?’
‘She was concussed and has luckily only broken her front paw,’ came the calm reply as Maddy closed her eyes feeling faint. ‘We’re keeping her here overnight to make sure she’s fine then she can go home tomorrow.’
‘I need to see her.’
‘You know I can’t let you in. She has to rest.’
‘But I have to!’ Maddy demanded, watching some of the people waiting in reception give her strange looks. ‘I can’t lose her not now! I’m her mother!’
Knowing full well how that sounded, she grimaced at the idea their audience thought she was mad, especially dressed up as a dog.
‘Maddy needs to see Phyllis, so please can you let her go through?’ added Stan, stepping forward. ‘Ph
yllis would like that, and it might help her settle.’
‘Come with me,’ Hilary said, then looked at Maddy. ‘
‘You go home and make sure everything is set up. I think you need to sort out where she is going to sleep. I’ll stay here. She’s in safe hands,’ Maddy said, turning to Stan.
‘Let me go through with you to make sure she’s okay.’ Then Stan bit his lip. ‘Will you come and see me at my place afterward?’ he asked, also avoiding eye contact. ‘Just to tell me how she is.’
‘I will.’
Maddy followed the woman down the corridor with Stan in tow until they got to the room where all the poorly pets were being monitored. There was a little bark, and she immediately saw Phyllis in a large gated space.
‘Phyllis,’ Maddy said and started to cry, seeing the paw in a blue plaster cast and the shaved hair where they put an injection. She felt Stan touch her shoulder. ‘My baby.’
She flung herself to the floor and opened the gate, gently lifting the dog and putting Phyllis onto her lap.
‘I’m here. Mummy’s here, and I’ll make you better. I’m never going to leave you again. Never.’ She saw the dog lift her head and it looked like she was smiling. ‘I promise.’
But Maddy couldn’t smile.
Her heart felt smashed to bits knowing something else she loved could easily slip away.
‘I’m sorry for not being around. I’ll never leave you again. I’m here now. That’s all that matters.’
And just then she made eye contact with Stan realising no matter what happened, she didn’t want to lose him either.
He also was far too precious for that.
Losing one person of late was devastating enough.
‘I got this.’
Maddy held up the folded buggy before opening it. She was crumbling inside since seeing Phyllis but knew she had to be strong. As she stood at his front door, it was time for her to help him. His expression was of total devastation. The impromptu kiss had also left her confused.
‘It’ll come in useful.’
‘Okay,’ he replied stepping closer.
‘That’s so you can pick her up from the vets. I’ll come with you tomorrow if that’s okay. I better go home and get some sleep. It has been a bit of a day. I’ll see you later.’
‘Maddy,’ he whispered as she concentrated on putting the little rug on the seat of the buggy.
‘It’s very solid. I got it for when Honey stays with me. I don’t think she’d mind sharing,’ she continued, gulping hard and blinking her sore eyes. ‘You can borrow it for as long as you like.’
‘Please look at me.’
Tilting her head up she didn’t want him to see her eyes were full of concern so held her breath. But she didn’t expect to see tears falling down his cheeks.
‘Poor Phyllis looked a little unhappy, but they said it was the sedation and…’ Biting her lip hard, she didn’t want to cry. ‘I have to go, I need to sleep.’
‘Please stay here.’
‘I’m sorry about the kiss,’ she said, looking shamefully away. ‘I’m not sure what I was thinking.’
‘I know what I was.’
He lunged forward and grabbed her in his arms, pulling her into his home.
‘I have to go.’ Maddy felt a surge of panic. ‘I can’t be here!’
‘I need you right now. You’re the only one I want to be with, and I know you want to be with me.’
Suddenly she was in the process of keeling over, but Stan wouldn’t let go, and she didn’t know what to do.
‘I was so scared,’ he said, gulping his sobs. ‘I thought she died. I thought I’d lost her too.’
She felt him grab her head and push it back, making her look into his eyes.
He placed his mouth on hers and kissed her gently.
‘I need you so much right now, and I know you need me. I wish I could turn back the clock, but I can’t. Stay with me, that’s all I want.’
‘And when you don’t want me in the next few hours, what do I do then?’ Maddy gulped hard as her head span. ‘I’ll have to go away because I irritate you and you don’t like me, not when you honestly think about it. I know you’ve been kind of late but don’t feel guilty. That’s not what I want. I know I’m useless in, not just everyone else’s eyes, but yours too.’
‘I don’t think that. I’ve never thought that.’
‘You wrote it.’
‘You won’t let me explain.’
‘You’re upset and need someone in your bed right now. I’m not the person. Call up Giselle. She’ll rush here in an instant.’
‘She’s not you.’
‘I can’t help you. I even can’t help myself let alone someone else. I’m a mess.’
Stan leaned forward and licked her cheek with the tip of his tongue.
That same tongue then slipped gently across her face to reach her lips.
Again, he kissed her very gently, never letting go of her face as she kissed him back, feeling something soft enter her lips. Maddy felt a surge of passion and emotion.
She knew her breath was fresh after brushing her teeth and eating mints.
There was no way she wanted anyone to smell, let alone taste, vomit.
Maddy had run home and instantly threw up for the first time in years.
The turmoil affecting her stomach and she felt bad about doing it, knowing what she had promised Dora.
Stan looked at her quizzically and shook his head.
‘Why do you taste like chewing gum?’ he asked, touching her lips with his finger then frowned.
Maddy guiltily looked away then glanced at him.
‘Don’t get ill again,’ There was a knowing look in his eyes as he wrapped his arms tightly around her body, kissing the top of her head. ‘That would make me worried. I don’t want to be the cause.’
‘You’re not.’
‘But I can tell you’re not well. I’ve watched you for weeks. Phyl will be fine and so will we.’
‘I should go.’
‘I want you to stay with me tonight.’
He pulled her further into his home. It was dark, and she peeked into the unknown space but couldn’t see much. Then she realised they were in his bedroom as he let her go and quickly removed his t-shirt then shorts.
Maddy watched Stan’s look of determination as he touched the zip around her neck then slowly undid it. He pushed the hood off, and the suit fell to the ground. She stood in her underwear as he examined her body.
‘You look tiny,’ he whispered. ‘Are you okay?’
Thinking all he could see was the fat cherub with tits, she wanted to put her arms around her body but just stared at his bare chest.
No words could come from her lips as he made sure his mouth covered hers. She felt him touch the back of her bra and undo the fastening, letting the straps slip off.
Then it got very fast and heated as they grappled to get naked and she longed to feel his skin against her own.
It was her reaction that shocked her.
Maddy groaned loudly, turned on by his touch.
It was plainly evident she needed him, and he knew it.
She touched Stan’s back and felt his skin with her fingers as his mouth travelled all over her breasts and his hand slipped in between her thighs. Maddy spread them apart, knowing he wanted to turn her on and she wanted him to try and alleviate the pain she was living with.
His mouth met hers, and his tongue reached inside as she kissed him back, caressing his hips and wanting to feel what was between his legs. Slowly her hand grabbed his rigid cock as she stroked it quite hard, tugging at the skin, feeling the hardness in her palm.
The rubbing got fast, and she looked at him knowing he wanted to make her come, and she did, crying at the same time as he gently held her face, staring into her eyes.
‘It’s okay,’ he whispered. ‘I don’t want to see you upset.’
Maddy wiped her eyes and her heart was beating fast, and there was a tightening in her hole.
‘She left.’ Maddy turned and faced away from him. ‘I think she died when Dora did.’
‘Don’t say that.’ She felt his hand on her shoulder which was then replaced by his lips.
He turned her around and examined the slim body with dark hair on his chest, running all the way down between his legs. Stan bent down and kissed her stomach then all the way up to her breasts, placing a nipple in his mouth and gently rolling it with his lips. There was a tightening between her legs as she felt his body try to join hers.
‘Don’t lock me out ever again,’ Stan said, kissing her face. ‘Promise me.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘I want Maddy back with me,’ he said, touching in between her breasts with his fingers. ‘And I’ll get her out again.’
‘She was stupid,’ Maddy replied, biting her bottom lip and trying not to get angry. ‘She couldn’t do anything well. Best she and I remain invisible.’
‘I like her a hell of a lot and still do.’ Stan kissed her again, moving closer. ‘Even if she doesn’t think so.’
The kisses got more passionate as did the way he caressed her body, and she wanted him to be close to her though she wasn’t sure if he meant it.
He was good at saying one thing and writing something else.
‘I want you, and I waited, I waited,’ he whispered into her ear.
Maddy felt him gently push inside her as she held her breath, holding onto his shoulders and feeling his lips against her neck.
Slowly he moved, all the time kissing and being so careful not to squash or hurt, and she saw it. The care and consideration as he made love to her.
It got fast as he pushed in deeply as she held onto him for dear life.
Their skin slapped against each other and moved together as one, hips grinding from passion.