by Jessica M.
Stepping out and wrapping my body in my large, plush, white towel, I stepped into my bedroom in search of what to wear. All of my classes were cancelled, so I planned to do what I had done the previous days, which was hanging with Meesha and her crew, as I liked to refer to them.
Grabbing a pair of denim distressed jeans from my closet that I bought when shopping with Meesha, I dropped my towel and moisturized my body all over before sliding my black lace panties over my bottom. Standing to admire my perky C-cup boobs, I couldn’t help but think how it would feel for the opposite sex to touch them. Suck them. All the things a man could do to please a female’s body. I was missing out.
In just a few days, I now looked like a woman and not a teenager. I wasn’t allowed to wear lace bras or panties. My mother was ordered—yea, you heard me right, ordered—to only purchase me cotton, plain, usually white ones. Stupid, I know.
I had to admit I looked good now. When I was out or at school, guys were shooting their shots, but I was turning them down. As flattering as it was to have them vie for my attention, I wasn’t a hoe. Craving attention from the opposite sex still didn’t mean I would give up my goodies to just anyone.
Smiling, I slid the jeans over my bottom and they made my ass look fat. Turning from side to side looking at my hips and ass in the full-length mirror, I was pleased. This was the new me. The new Kashae Howard. The grown woman Kashae Howard. Finishing my look, I yanked a red tube top from my dresser drawer and tossed it over my head. I had fallen in love with tube tops. They made it easy to show off my belly ring that Meesha and I got together the other day. Some may think Meesha was a bad influence, but she couldn’t influence me if I didn’t want to be. She didn’t pressure me to do shit. I was my own person now. Not my parents, my sister, Meesha, or anyone would ever run my life again. Meesha only suggested things and I could either go with it or not. Just like she and I talked about doing make-overs today, and I planned to go with the big chop. I was about to chop my long hair right the hell off into a nice bob. I’d always wanted a bob, but I knew the warden of the Howard family wouldn’t go for it. Well today, it was getting done. I wasn’t sure when I’d see my parents again, but when I did, whew! I had better be ready. I might just send them into an early grave. I was no longer their innocent little girl. I was a grown ass woman.
Meesha’s homegirl, Laila, rented a salon booth at a shop that also had a barbershop in the back. If I thought I was turning heads before, niggas were really all in my face now. This bob had me on fleek. Niggas were staring, licking lips and winking at me as they passed to head back to the barbershop area. I liked the attention, I won’t lie, but it was scary at the same time because I had no experience in the sex department. Maybe I wouldn’t be shooting them down if I actually knew what to do with them. That was my biggest fear. Not knowing what to do if I was put in the situation to be alone with a grown ass man who would for sure want sex in return. I wasn’t dumb enough to believe that being alone with a man, flirting, rubbing, and touching wouldn’t possibly turn into him wanting more, so to avoid it all, I usually just shot them down. There was no way I’d put myself in a situation to spread my legs if I weren’t ready. That for sure would be a tease, and I wasn’t trying to get my shit taken because I was playing with someone’s emotions.
Running my fingers through my new, blonde-streaked bob, I was the shit. My hair brought out my facial features more now and I loved it. Standing, I dug deep inside my purse in search of my wallet to pay Laila for her work, but before I could do so, I heard my name.
“Kash, let me handle that.” There stood my brother-in-law with a hundred-dollar bill extended in Laila’s direction.
She was all giggly and shit as she snatched the bill from Don’s hand, stuffing it inside of her bra. She swept her tongue across her lips as she flirted with Don while I looked on. Ol’ hot ass! Just nasty!
“No, I have my own money.” I shook my head at Don as Laila continued to eye fuck him.
“I know you do, but accept this as my apology,” he mumbled, trying not to let Laila hear him.
She was trying her best to hear what he was saying. I giggled at her nosey ass.
“Girl, let that man pay,” she finally said, using her hand to shoo us away from her booth.
Taking a deep breath and releasing it, I finally walked away from Laila’s booth with Don in tow.
“Come with me,” he requested, stuffing both hands in his dark blue jean pockets.
“You’re kidding me, right? Plus, I’m waiting for my friend to get done.” I folded my arms across my chest turning in Meesha’s direction, who was just now getting under the dryer.
“I’ll have you back. Ten minutes, I promise Kash. Can a nigga get ten minutes of your time? I just want to talk to you,” he pleaded with a sexy look on his face.
This new Kash was out of control and I had to get a handle on this shit. I would never look at Don this way, but here I was looking at him in a way outside of my sister’s husband or my brother-in-law.
Giving in, I shoved the door open to the salon and he was right behind me.
“Ten minutes and that’s it Don!” I shouted over my shoulder.
“Cool, that’s all I need. I’m over there.” He pointed to his black G-Wagon that was across the street in the parking lot. He usually drove his G-Wagon for work. I noticed that over the days I’d been at my sister’s house, that his red Camaro was his daily ride in car, so I assumed he must be headed to work or leaving there.
Crossing the street side by side, neither of us said a word. Once we made it to his ride, he hit the unlock button on his key fob, then he opened the passenger side door for me. Making sure I was securely inside, he shut the door before rounding the front of the truck and hopping into the driver’s seat.
Twisting his body in my direction, he grinned that sexy grin that would pull anyone in. Darting my attention away from him, I did what I could to break the intense stare. Placing his hand on my knee brought me back and I jumped. He quickly removed his hand and held them up in the surrender position.
“Sorry about that.”
“It’s ok, but what is it that you wanted Don?” As hard as it was, I kept my eyes on him waiting for him to speak.
“I texted you this morning and you didn’t respond. I hate that you saw that side of me. I hate that Karmen still knows what to do to push my buttons. I love my wife, but—” I lifted my hand to stop him.
“It’s not my business Don. You don’t have to explain anything to me. You should be apologizing to my sister, not me.”
“So, you got my text then? You just chose not to respond.” He dropped his head, shaking it from side to side.
“I just feel like you should apologize to Karmen. Not me. She’s the one you hurt.”
Nodding his head in agreement, our eyes met again.
“What?” I asked as he seemed to be studying me.
“I like it.” He smiled.
“Huh? Oh, my hair,” I ran my fingers through it again like I had done so many times since Laila had hooked me up.
“You look so grown up.”
I had to chuckle at his statement. Nigga I am grown is what I wanted to say, but refrained.
“Thanks, I guess that’s a good thing.”
“It is a very good thing. It suits you Kash. You look nice.” He put emphasis on the word very.
His words had me nervous and a little tingly inside.
“Thank you again. So, what are you going to do about Karmen?” Switching the conversation from me to my sister was the best thing for both of us.
He shrugged.
“I don’t know if I can forgive her for what she did. Then, last night she brought the beast out of me. I don’t want to be that person anymore and I don’t want to be with anyone who can bring out a side of me that I thought was buried. Marriage is supposed to make you better.” Sadness was in his eyes as he spoke about his situation with my sister, but they were meant to be. I always felt like that.
“Wh
at are you saying?”
“I think it’s time to quit pretending like my marriage is all good when it’s anything but.”
“Meaning?”
“I think I’ll contact a lawyer.”
“A lawyer? No, you don’t mean that Don. All marriages have problems. Maybe you guys need to seek counsel from a pastor or a professional marriage counselor. You can’t just give up.”
He ran his hand over his face. “I appreciate your words Kash, but I’m done. I can’t keep acting like Karmen and I are in love. We love each other, but we are definitely not in love anymore. The things that she does are not from a person that is in love. And the blame is not all on her. I take ownership of my part in it. We have different goals now. I want a huge family with lots of kids and a wife that prefers to be home instead of working and in the streets. Don’t pretend like you haven’t noticed in just the few days you’ve been at the house that she’s never home. Always talking about work, work, work and getting her company off the ground. I’m no fool Kash. She’s cheating,” he blurted.
“What? No! Karmen would never cheat on you Don. That’s not who she is.”
“You have no idea who she is.” He rested his head on the back of the seat while closing his eyes.
Oblivious to what his last statement really meant, one thing I did know was that my sister wasn’t a cheater. I couldn’t front like it didn’t throw me for a loop when she admitted to lying to Don about taking birth control, but she still wasn’t a cheater. Maybe selfish though and a little secretive, but she had to have a good reason for whatever she was doing, but Karmen would never cheat. She loved Don.
“Just think about it Don. That’s all I’m saying. Once you take those steps there is no turning back.”
“I hear you.”
Don’s eyes were still closed, so I took the time to gawk at my brother-in-law. His lips were perfect and thin with a hint of pink to them. I knew that came from him smoking weed. His eyebrows were perfect and should be on a female. Most women paid good money to get eyebrows like Don had. His fade looked fresh, so I could assume he was leaving the barbershop and that’s how he saw me.
“Ok, well I’m going back inside.” I shifted my body to open the door, but as soon as I pulled the latch to open it, Don gripped my arm making me shift back in his direction.
“Thank you.” His eyes were now wide opened and on me.
“Welcome.” I gently pulled away, offering up a simple smile, and exited the vehicle.
Speedwalking away from his truck, I didn’t look back this time. Something was going on between Don and I. And it had to stop.
Karmen
I regretted telling my sister about me and Don. I mean, I regretted it but at the same time, it was a relief because I hadn’t been able to be honest with anyone about my situation and how I really wasn’t ready for kids and finally, the moment caught up with me and so, I spilled it.
My sister was a loving, caring individual so I knew she’d never betray my trust and tell anyone about my marriage, but I had gone too far letting her in where she didn’t belong. My marriage was my business. My father had drilled that in me from the day I decided to say “I Do.” He said the worst thing I could do was let outsiders in where they didn’t belong. He never cared for my husband but he always said since I made a commitment with Don then what happened between me and Don stayed between me and Don. If I listened to nothing else the man ever told me, I listened and took heed to that statement. The sad thing was it wasn’t outsiders messing with my marriage. It was me. The real me. Not the me people perceived me to be.
Waiting for my sister to leave, I got dressed quickly with a plain pair of black Nike leggings, an oversized, sky blue Nike t-shirt, and a black Nike fitted cap that I placed over my long, straight weave that touched the middle of my back. Snatching my large-framed Chanel sunglasses from the table by my bedroom door, I placed them over my face in hopes that they would conceal my identity. Where I was headed, I didn’t want to be seen.
Heading out of my bedroom, down the stairs and out the door, I locked up before heading to my charcoal-gray Audi A8. Of course it was a little expensive, but it was the car I had so badly wanted for as long as I could remember. And as soon as my husband began bringing in the big bucks and my business started to blossom, I got me one. Of course, I didn’t run it by my husband and it was hell in my house for damn near a month, but it was worth it. Like I said a million times before, no one ran me. Disrespecting Don was never the intention, but there was no way I’d live with a man telling me what to do or dictating my moves. I worked hard for my money and to be where I am, so was it wrong to reward myself? Nope! If I wanted to be ruled by a dictatorship then I could’ve stayed on the Howard plantation. Chuckling at myself for my last thought, my daddy made living for the Lord hell. He meant well, I knew he did, but that religious life just wasn’t for me. Never had been and never would be. I mean, why was it not alright to follow some rules, but the other rules could never be broken? Christianity seemed like a religion of convenience.
Backing out of the driveway, I hit the highway heading to the Hilton in downtown Greenville. Making it to my destination in less than half an hour, I parked and then checked my neck one last time in the mirror seeing if my concealer had done its job. I should’ve been a makeup artist, my scars were barely visible.
Approving of my neck, I stepped out surveying my surroundings before crossing the street and heading inside. There was no need to stop at the front desk; I already knew what room I was going to. This was my every other day hang out. Don and my sister were wondering about my disappearing acts and this was where I was at. Nope! I wasn’t sleeping around on my husband but a little companionship wouldn’t hurt anybody. Now would it? If truth be told, this was how I was able to afford a lot of things I owned. My interior decorating business was doing well, but not as well as my husband and family believed it was, and I could afford to buy four-hundred-dollar Chanel shades and five-hundred-dollar red bottoms because of my second job. I wasn’t a prostitute per se, but it was a thin line. I met wealthy men for their time. I let them touch me, grope me, and sometimes even lick me if the mood was right, but I never slept with another man. No other man had ever penetrated my middle. My husband was the only one to receive that privilege. You can judge me all you want to, but this was how I used what I had to get what I wanted. Yes, my father had plenty of money now and so did my husband, but I never wanted to depend on a man. That’s how they controlled you. Even though these men I met up with gave me money for my time, I was still in control. I still made the decisions about what I did or didn’t want to do with them and how far I’d allow them to go. I was living my best life getting what I wanted by any means necessary.
Stepping on the elevator, I tried not to make conversation with the other patrons. My father was a pastor and he knew a lot of people, so staying to myself was a must just in case someone recognized me. Shifting my large purse on my shoulder and intensely watching the buttons light up as the elevator moved from one floor to another, it seemed like it was taking forever for it to reach the eighth floor. This was the most dreadful time whenever I came here. Thinking that someone would notice me before I made it to room 803 had my stomach in knots. My heart was beating out of my chest as the light finally lit up brightly for the eighth floor. Finally letting go of the nervousness, I pushed past the other patrons so I could make it to the front of the elevator as the doors opened.
Exiting the elevator, I clutched my large bag over my shoulders as I made it down the hallway. I always took my large purse with me so that I could change when I arrived. My business associates, as I referred to them, would request a certain color they wanted me to wear and I obliged, but I always changed once I made it to the hotel room. Walking briskly down the hallway to room 803, my jitters were subsiding. Doing this wasn’t new to me, but every time I did it I got nervous all over again like the first time, three years ago. Yes, you heard me right. I had been doing this for three whole years and no
one knew it. I was either too smooth or my husband was too damn dumb. Tapping lightly on the door like I always did, the door flung open and in front of me was not my companion, but his wife.
Fuck!
Quickly turning on my heels to get the fuck out of dodge, she grabbed the tail of my shirt yanking me back in her direction. I could choose to swing on her ass, but not only was the bitch my elder, but she was someone I knew.
“Don’t cause a scene,” she mumbled tight lipped with a firm grip on my shirt tail.
“Let me go right now before I have your ass arrested,” I barked, yanking away from her grasp.
“Me, arrested? What do you think the police would think about prostitution? That’s what this is, right?”
Not saying anything, I glanced down the hallway on both sides to be sure no one was watching us. This hotel was known to be swarmed with what most considered being elite or the wealthy. I couldn’t be caught here. Period.
Not responding to her question, she spoke up again. “You may as well come in. I mean, this is your usual spot, right?” She scoffed while rolling her eyes.
Shifting from one leg to the next, there was no way anyone could find out about this shit and if I didn’t follow her lead, she was sure to out my ass. Even though Don and I were having a rough patch, if he caught wind of my extracurricular activities, he’d for sure be done with me. As unhappy as I knew both Don and I had been, I still needed him. His finances kept us afloat. It wasn’t everything, but it helped, and I’d have to step up my companion job if he left and I didn’t want to have to do that. This lady knew a lot about my family, so I needed to keep this on the hush for as long as possible, and the only way I could be sure that would happen was to go inside and see exactly what she planned to do with this information.