I Had That Same Dream Again

by Yoru Sumino

  “There are some bitter parts to life, but there’s plenty of sweet happiness stuffed into that same cup. People live for the sake of that sweetness. Thank you, little miss. I’ve just remembered something, all thanks to you.”

  “What’s that?”

  “That I’ve always loved sweets more than bitter coffee and beer. I won’t forget that again.”

  She squeezed me once more. I thought it curious that she kept doing this, but I seemed to have lost all interest in unraveling these mysteries. As far as I was concerned, the feeling of being in her arms was one of the sweet parts of life.

  Finally she stopped crying, but offered no explanation when I asked her what was going on. She said only, “I’m sure you’ll be able to understand someday.”

  Instead, what she offered me was peculiar indeed: the dessert that she had bought for us.

  “It suits you perfectly.”

  There was no dark portion to the pudding she offered me. Everything packed into the cup was a sweet, creamy golden color. My mouth filled with the taste of happiness as I ate it.

  As we ate our puddings together, we played our usual game of Othello. The wins and the losses were the same as ever. Someday, I would show her I was stronger.

  Before I went home, she gave me courage for tomorrow. She squeezed my hand, and then my whole body, and told me, “You’ll be fine, I just know it.” With that, I could believe that I truly would.

  “Ah,” Skank-san said as I donned my shoes and made to step out of the door, as though she had just remembered something.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “Oh no, it’s just… I was wondering if Granny is happy right now.”

  I recalled the conversation I’d had with Granny previously. “Yes, she said that she was happy,” I replied.

  A smile of true happiness spread across Skank-san’s face. “I’m glad,” she said. Then, she waved her hand as always. “See you later, little miss.”

  “Yeah, see you next time!”

  When I closed the door, I noticed a little black shadow at my feet.

  “I didn’t forget about you. Sometimes even children have things to take care of.”

  “Meow.”

  “I know. I’ll give you milk back at my house. Don’t tell my mother, though.”

  She had probably come because she was worried about me. She might be a wicked girl, but I’d seen an American film once that said all bad girls are secretly good deep down. I didn’t really understand what it meant to be bad and good at the same time, but I’m sure that they were describing girls just like Miss Bobtail.

  We I left the cream-colored building and walked to the embankment where we had first met, long ago.

  Life is chock full of happiness.

  I repeated those words to myself again and again.

  Chapter 9

  IT WAS A BRIGHT AND SUNNY DAY as I left my house like always, but unlike always, I did not head to school. I was a good girl and I could not tell a lie. So, that morning, when I told my mother I was leaving, I did not tell her where I was headed. Now that’s what I call clever.

  I did not head to school because I had something far more important to do. Although in truth, there is probably no reason for me to ever go back to school again, I thought. As for my studies, I could just have Skank-san tutor me. Even if I didn’t have lunch, I would have Granny’s sweets to tide me over. I would write letters to Hitomi-sensei now and then. People might say that I had to go to school, that elementary school education was compulsory, but what did they do when it wasn’t necessary?

  Now that I thought about it, I’d learned about skipping grades from a movie. I was smart enough that I could probably just do that. Well, no… Like Skank-san had told me, getting smarter wasn’t everything. Given that I had only been attending school for that purpose, there was probably no reason for me to go ever again.

  As I thought all those things, I arrived at my destination before I knew it.

  I hadn’t the slightest bit of doubt about coming here today. My arrival was different from the previous time. For one, I did not have my little friend at my side. Plus, it was still morning. The most important change, however, was that I no longer held any notions about attacking him.

  Like the last time, I rang the doorbell again and again. Like before, it was a sullen woman’s voice that I heard through the speaker. Last time, I had replied to that voice with a cheerful greeting. Today however, there was something that I needed to do.

  I put all my heart into my words, to be sure to convey how I truly felt.

  “It’s Koyanagi Nanoka, Kiriyuu-kun’s classmate. I’m sorry about what happened last time.”

  Although the woman could not see me, I bowed my head. You have to be sure to put your whole heart into it when you’re apologizing or giving thanks. It’s the same whether you’re clever or not.

  My feelings must have made it through to her because, just like last time, she very kindly said, “Just a moment.”

  I bowed my head once more when she finally opened the door.

  “Good morning. I’m sorry about last time,” I repeated. These were my true feelings, as true as when I had called Kiriyuu-kun a coward.

  “Good morning. And no, there’s nothing for you to apologize for,” she said, shaking her head. But that was not true. There was plenty for me to apologize for.

  “I’m sorry for leaving without saying a proper goodbye last time, and for saying such terrible things to Kiriyuu-kun.”

  “It’s all right. Hikari is the one who should be apologizing. You came all the way to see him, but he wouldn’t even come out of his room. The notes that you brought were beautifully written. I made sure to give them to him. And you dropped in here before going to school today.”

  Apparently, she really had forgiven me for all the rude things I had done the last time. Still, I thought what she was saying was a little bit wrong, so I told her the reason I had come today.

  “I came to talk to Kiriyuu-kun about something. It’s not about being his ally, or fighting, or coming to school. It’s something more important.”

  “Something important?”

  Kiriyuu’s mother was a very kind person. Her face looked like a castle guard in a story. Naturally, it was me that she was guarding against. Not only had I been rude, but I had harmed her son last time I came. However, if I let all that deter me, I would not have come here today. I absolutely had to talk to Kiriyuu-kun.

  If I wished to be forgiven, there was only one thing to do. I had to earnestly pour my whole heart out without a single lie: why I had come here, what I wanted to say, why I felt that way, and who I hoped to become. As people walked their dogs and other children passed by the house on their way to my school, I told Kiriyuu’s mother everything.

  I believe that you should share what you feel at the bottom of your heart with the person you are talking to. That’s probably why I ended up telling Kiriyuu-kun just how cowardly I thought he was.

  I had my doubts, but I still wanted to try and explain these things properly to his mother. Just as before, she let me inside the house.

  I did not understand why, unlike last time, her eyes appeared to be glistening slightly. As sharp as I was, I could never understand the reason for an adult’s tears, no matter how much I thought about it. Even when I asked them, they usually wouldn’t tell me. Not Kiriyuu-kun’s mother, nor Skank-san, nor Minami-san.

  Once inside, she brought me orange juice, just like before. I took only a single sip before heading to the second floor. This time, I did not have Kiriyuu’s mother accompany me up. I simply did not feel there was any need. Even she agreed it was probably better that way.

  I was cool as a cucumber as I climbed the stairs, despite the nerves I had felt last time. Today, I felt just as I did when climbing the stairs to Skank-san’s apartment. Step by step, as though walking towards something, although I don’t know if that was happiness or something else.

  Skank-san had said that happiness meant being abl
e to think seriously about someone. I wasn’t sharp when it came to people. That much I knew. Thus, I could not come to like others, or think much about them. And so I had decided to think only about myself. And I was sure that I was happy as I traveled here today, having come to this decision.

  I began to sing.

  “Happiness won’t cooome, wandering my way, sooo thaaat’s why I set ooout to find it todaaay!”

  There was no one to sing along with me. Miss Bobtail was not present, nor was Skank-san, or Minami-san, or Granny. I was having fun singing by myself, but singing is always much more fun when you have someone to accompany you.

  I would have to find someone to sing with me.

  I stopped before one of the doors and knocked sharply. I’m sure that Kiriyuu must have known that it was not his mother who had knocked.

  “Salutations, Kiriyuu-kun,” I said. “First off, I have something to say. I’m sorry about last time.”

  I bowed before the door. Obviously he could not see me, nor did he reply. But I believed that he could hear me. I took a breath.

  “I really did want to apologize to you, cross my heart, but that’s not why I came here today. There’s something waaay more important I need to talk to you about.”

  I dropped my backpack onto the floor and sat down with my back to the wall. Then, I took one of my notebooks out from my bag. I had a different notebook for every subject: math went in the math notebook, science in the science notebook, and so forth. The one I had brought today was my language arts notebook.

  “Now, Kiriyuu-kun, let’s start the discussion.”

  I opened the notebook to the page for class discussions.

  “The topic is: what is happiness?”

  It was for this purpose, for this conversation, that I had come to Kiriyuu’s house today. I did not wish to talk about allies and enemies, or going to school, or whether or not he lacked courage. Only this. If you had asked me why, I’m sure that I would have said it was because having friends and allies meant finding happiness together.

  I had thought hard about it the night before, about what it meant to be an ally. I was happy being with Skank-san, who had become happy just thinking about me. I had found happiness in reading Minami-san’s stories, who had promised me that she would try to become happy, too. I was happy when I was eating sweets and talking about books with Granny, who had said that being with me made her happy. And so, I wanted to find happiness with Kiriyuu-kun as well. That was what it meant to be an ally. I was sure of it.

  Kiriyuu-kun was my partner in class discussions. And a discussion like this necessitated a notebook more than it did the contents of a fridge.

  “Let’s start with a review. I’ll read out everything that we’ve thought of so far. In the very first discussion, we discussed when we feel happy: eating cookies with ice cream on top, eating Granny’s ohagi, eating sweets your mom baked, reading books, singing songs with friends, having Hamburg steak for dinner, when your mom and dad get home early, traveling with your family, eating your favorite ice cream.”

  I purposefully avoided reading just one of the items.

  “During the next discussion, we talked about times when we didn’t feel happy: seeing cockroaches, when there’s natto in the school lunch… You added when there’s seaweed salad in the lunches, but I didn’t agree with that. I think seaweed is delicious.”

  There was still no sound from Kiriyuu-kun’s room.

  “After we listed a lot of things that weren’t happiness, we talked about something a little different: whether not being happy was the opposite of happiness, and whether we are happy when the opposite of something we dislike happens. But we came to the conclusion that wasn’t true. We wouldn’t be happy just because we didn’t have natto in our lunches. You added that you wouldn’t be happy just because there wasn’t seaweed salad, either. At least, not if there wasn’t kara-age in its place.”

  Kiriyuu-kun still said nothing.

  “We had a number of discussions after that, and then it was class observation day. When we presented, I said that having my mother and father there made me happy. What I said wasn’t a lie, but I didn’t get to explain that it’s not all there is to happiness. What you presented wasn’t what you were really thinking either, was it?”

  No reply.

  “When we had our review session afterwards, I asked you why you thought that about happiness, but you couldn’t answer. But I didn’t come here to talk about the fact that you lied, so let’s keep going.”

  Nothing still.

  “Starting here are the discussions that we had while you weren’t at school. The discussions continued with Hitomi-sensei taking your place. It wasn’t much different from how we did it when you were here, but this time I thought about why I feel happy when I do.”

  “Why?”

  Kiriyuu-kun interrupted me at last, without any preamble. It was so soft that I probably would not have heard it if my hearing had not been as good as it was.

  I was not surprised to hear him. Kiriyuu-kun was kind, and I knew that he could never do something as horrible as ignore a classmate.

  “Why what? Why was I partners with Hitomi-sensei? That’s because our class is an even number. It’s good that no one else besides you was away.”

  “No…”

  There was silence this time before he spoke again. It was probably because he had taken a number of deep breaths. Deep breathing was necessary, after all, for opening up your heart.

  I waited for a long while. I would wait for as long as I had to. I felt as though I could hear his soft breathing from the other side of the door. I’ll say it once more: Kiriyuu-kun was kind. So, if I waited, he would respond. I was certain of it.

  “I’m not…talking about…Hitomi-sensei…I’m talking about…you.”

  See?

  “Me?”

  Even with the door between us, Kiriyuu-kun could probably see how I tilted my head. Even if other people couldn’t see it, I’m sure that he could. That’s the impression I got, anyway.

  “Why…?” he asked again.

  “Mm?”

  “Why…did you come back?”

  Aha. I patted my fist onto my palm in realization. “You mean,” I asked. “Why did I come back, after you told me not to?”

  “Yeah…”

  “If you don’t want me to be here, I’ll leave right now.”

  There was no reply. Instead, he asked me the same question.

  “Why?”

  “Okay?”

  “How come?”

  “Mm-hm?”

  “Why do you care so much about me?”

  His voice sounded different this time. Previously, he had wanted a reason. Now he sounded as though he truly did not understand.

  I’m sure that the two “why”s carried incredibly different meanings for Kiriyuu-kun. However, that had nothing to do with me. I already had answers to both of those questions.

  “Well, that’s easy. Because I decided to come, and because I decided to care.”

  “No, that’s, uh…”

  “And because I like your drawings.”

  I sensed his breath stop on the other side of the door. I held no illusions that he had suddenly died or something, so I continued.

  “People who can make things that I can’t are amazing. The sweets that Granny makes, the stories Minami-san writes, the pictures you draw. I can’t make any of those, so I think it’s amazing. That’s why I’m always saying how amazing you are.”

  I wouldn’t try to force him to show them off anymore. Forcing him to do so when he didn’t want to wouldn’t make him happy.

  “Minami-san is a friend of mine, though I haven’t seen her in a while.”

  “You…have a friend?”

  I was a little peeved at that. I was not angry, but people at least needed to be made aware when they had said something rude.

  “Seriously? Even I have friends. I have very wonderful friends.”

  “Oh, I see.”

  Yes,
that’s right, I indicated with a nod.

  “Ah!”

  Just then, a shout came from Kiriyuu-kun’s room. Had he spotted a bug or something? Serves him right for making fun of me, I thought with a smug little grin, when suddenly he called to me from within, sounding much more harried than normal. I prepared myself to be annoyed when he asked me to come in and deal with the bug for him, but instead, he said, “K-Koyanagi-san, shouldn’t you be getting to school?”

  “Ah…that time already, is it?”

  I did not have a wristwatch or a cell phone, so I had no way of telling how much time had passed.

  “Won’t you…be late?”

  “Doesn’t matter. I don’t need to go to school.”

  He seemed surprised at this. Rightfully so, to hear someone as diligent and clever as me say such a thing.

  “I-I think you should go…”

  “But you aren’t going, are you? It’s fine. I have something more important to take care of, anyway. Kids in our class have gotten time off for their relatives’ weddings and stuff anyway.”

  “Something…more important…?”

  “Finding happiness with you.”

  As far as I was concerned, this was far more important than going to school. I wanted to be his ally. At first I thought that this was only because Hitomi-sensei had told me to do so, but as I thought about it, I realized something. I had always felt that way, deep down. Nothing had changed. I wanted to be allies with the kind and gentle Kiriyuu-kun, who was the only one to talk to me when I was feeling down. Who was the only person who spoke to me when no one came to my observation day. That was all. The sweet Kiriyuu-kun who never ignored me, even when he said he hated me. Yes, that was all.

  All that had changed was how I hoped to do it. Previously, I made that feeling known by fighting on his behalf, now I would find out how to become happy alongside him. That way sounded like a lot more fun, so I decided to continue our discussion of happiness, even putting aside all we had talked about in school.

  “So, I’m gonna ask again: What does happiness mean to you, Kiriyuu-kun?”

  “K-Koyanagi-san…”

  He seemed troubled, probably because I was no longer referring to him as “spineless,” just as I would be shocked if Kiriyuu-kun suddenly picked a fight. Or as shocked as I was when Ogiwara-kun ignored me.