by Yoru Sumino
“I want to hear how you feel about it now.”
“Koyanagi-san…you really should get to school.”
“I told you, it’s fine. So, what’s your happiness?”
“You can’t be skipping school…”
“Weird to think that’s bad for me, but it’s okay for you. So, it must be fine. Here, I’ll say it myself: This wasn’t my idea, but according to a very special friend, this is what happiness is about.”
“You need to go to school.”
“I’m already smart! I told you, I’m not going!” I said, shouting without thinking. Although I was a little embarrassed, I could not take back what I had said. I quickly offered a quiet “I’m sorry.”
That was when I realized something and came to a decision. If you wanted to be someone’s friend, you couldn’t hide any shocking secrets from them. So, I decided to reveal just how I was feeling.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t wanna say it, but our classmates have been ignoring me.”
“Huh…?”
“I’m sure you know I didn’t have any friends in our class to begin with, but at least there were some people I could talk to, and if I greeted them, everyone replied. But now, everyone’s ignoring me.”
Talking about painful things hurts as much as experiencing them, but it also has the mysterious power to open up your heart, in the same way as deep breathing.
“I don’t want to go to a place full of children like that,” I said. “More importantly, I think it’s a lot more fun solving difficult questions with you.”
As I was speaking, I realized something incredibly important.
“Y’know something?” I asked. “I’m gonna come here from now on. So, you should teach me how to draw. I’ll never learn how to draw as well as you, no matter how long I go to school.”
I finally realized it.
“Hm, wonder what I should teach you in return. Life is like the seat next to you, y’know?”
It wasn’t him who needed allies. It was me.
“If someone’s forgotten their textbook, then you have to share it. And, well, if you have to see someone’s face every day, it’d better be someone you don’t hate.”
“I…”
“Yes? What?”
When he finally spoke, his voice was somehow even quieter than usual.
“I want you to teach me…how to…be like you.”
His voice was as soft as a flower’s whisper, but I heard it. And then, I was disappointed, wondering why he would care about such a thing.
“You don’t want to be like me. If you were like me, then you wouldn’t be able to draw those wonderful pictures. My mother saw a lion I’d drawn and she thought it was the Tower of the Sun. I hated it.”
He was silent again.
“So if a magician ever offers to turn you into someone else, the person you should change into is you. Got it?”
He didn’t say a single word about that. Instead, after a long, empty pause, he said something else.
“You really should go to school.”
I was shocked. I hadn’t expected him to say that again. I had made my conviction clear, again and again. I had made up my mind, but he didn’t know that, of course. Obviously, this bothered me.
“Why? Normally you never oppose the things I say in class, but you’re nothing but rude today. I guess you hate me so much you’d rather see me go somewhere where everyone ignores me?”
I said it as a joke, imagining him shaking his head so vigorously I’d be able to tell it even on the other side of the door. But when a reply from him did not come, I began to feel uneasy.
The words he had said the last time drifted out from my heart bit by bit, as if wanting air. If I were to let them all out at once, that dark, terrible thing would take root again inside my heart, and all my courage would be trapped like a butterfly caught in a spider’s web.
Before I could let that happen, I had to be sure that Kiriyuu-kun didn’t actually hate me. If he did, he would never talk to me this much. Indeed, those words had probably just leapt out of his mouth all on their own. And so, I will ask him the same question once more, and wait for his reply, I thought, before he put a stop to that.
Life is the same as a beautifully painted dessert. Sometimes you just can’t understand how it got that way. Kiriyuu-kun still said nothing. But his feelings and actions silenced me, and I felt that monster inside of me sinking back down to the bottom of the sea.
I heard the door unlock. Then I saw the doorknob turning, slowly but surely.
Perhaps because the window was open inside the room, a strong wind blew in my face, sending my bangs dancing and forcing me to shut my eyes. When I opened them again, I saw Kiriyuu-kun standing before me, countless sheets of paper dancing behind him, carried by the wind. Has his hair grown a bit longer? As I wondered this, looking at his face, one of the papers came flying towards me, plastering itself against my own.
Unable to breathe, I quickly snatched it away. When I looked at it, the smile that spread across my cheeks must have rivaled even Skank-san’s.
Kiriyuu-kun was the complete opposite, crouching in the doorway, a tragic look upon his face. There might have even been a bit of dampness to his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’m… I’m sorry,” he said.
A lot of people seemed to be apologizing to me lately. And yet, I had not received a single apology from the people I actually wanted to hear it from.
“Why are you apologizing?”
Hadn’t he said that he hated me? If that was true, then I couldn’t say that it didn’t bother me, but then I had been the one to call him a coward. Fair is fair.
Kiriyuu-kun looked me straight in the eye.
“Y-you…”
“I what?”
“You’re getting ignored…because of me.”
“That’s not true.” I shook my head. “It isn’t your fault. It’s because all those idiots in our class are too stupid to even know right from wrong.”
“But it is true.”
Even as he looked straight at me, the tears flowed from Kiriyuu-kun’s eyes. This had been happening a lot lately, too.
“What is?” I asked.
“That my father…stole something…”
I was quiet. Indeed, I had already known this was true. Even so, I shook my head. I tried to imagine just how tragic a thing this must be for Kiriyuu-kun. I don’t know whether my imaginings truly reached the depth of it, though I stretched them as far as I could. If they did not, I had no idea how much further I would have to reach to get there. Even so, I proudly shook my head.
“Even if he did, so what?” I looked into his eyes to guide him. He was wrong, after all. “Even if your father stole, it doesn’t change the fact that he always greeted me kindly. More than the kids in our class, who I see every day. Moreover, that’s no reason for people to ignore me, or for me not to go to school. And it’s no reason for them to talk badly about you. But this conversation isn’t about your father, anyway.”
Indeed, out of all the bad things that had happened, not once had Kiriyuu-kun ever done anything wrong.
“The ones who are wrong are the people who don’t know that. The fact that I’m not going to school is those people’s fault, too.”
So, there was no reason for Kiriyuu-kun to be sad, or to cry. That was what I meant, but life is like when you get off of a teacup ride, and sometimes you end up walking in the opposite direction from the way you mean to.
Not only did Kiriyuu-kun not stop crying, the tears began to drip from his face. Although, I was not sure which of my words made him so sad. Since I did not know, I was unsure of what to do to make him feel better. So, I shuffled closer and put my hand atop his on the floor. When Skank-san did that for me, I could feel my heart quieting.
He looked surprised, but just as I had done that that day at Skank-san’s, he squeezed my hand back.
I intended to sit there, quietly holding his hand until the tears stopped,
but I could not do so. Kiriyuu-kun was still crying, but he said something I never imagined he would.
“Do you…want…to go to school…together?”
“Huh?” I said, flabbergasted at this sudden proposal.
In the moments it took me to pull myself together, I noticed how he flinched back at this, and I realized something.
“Did you just say ‘together’?”
“Yeah…”
My hand ached from how tightly he was gripping it, but in my surprise, I completely forgot that pain.
“Wh…why?”
His lips quavered at my heartfelt question. He was probably searching for the perfect words. I understood that feeling, so I was happy to wait as long as he needed me to.
“I…told a lie,” he finally said. “I…lied. I’m still afraid…that I might get made fun of again. And I lied…to Hitomi-sensei. So…I want to apologize to her, and tell her the truth.”
The tears still had not stopped. And yet I had never seen such strength in his eyes. I had no idea that he could show such courage. I was desperate to know the reason.
“What do you mean, ‘the truth’?”
“About…what happiness is.”
Just then, a scene flashed before my eyes. Clearly, in voice and vision. It was not of Kiriyuu-kun speaking, but of me, saying something low enough that only Kiriyuu-kun could hear. A single word I spoke on observation day: coward.
So he had been lying. Even knowing this, I felt no sadness or irritation.
“I don’t care about the other people, but I want to tell the truth to Hitomi-sensei, and to you.”
I was thrilled.
“I…actually think there’s something I need to apologize to Hitomi-sensei for, too,” I said.
“Huh?”
“She was really sad that she never got to see you when she came by. I forgot to tell you, but she told me to say that she would be waiting for you, as long as it took.”
I left in such a hurry the last time that I forgot. As I told him this, the tears began to drip down his face once more. Still, even his tears were no match for the sparkling in his eyes.
“I want to see her.”
I felt the same.
“But are you sure?” I asked. “If you go to school, those idiots who were making fun of you will be there.”
And who were ignoring me.
Up until now, I felt that Kiriyuu-kun should fight those boys, but thanks to Skank-san, I now knew that was not his way of fighting. Now I had seen this with my own eyes.
His shoulders trembled at my words, just a little. But he looked me straight in the eyes and, with his own strength, shook himself free of the devil clinging to his back.
“I really…don’t want to…but…I think I’ll…be fine.”
This time, I did not know what to say.
“Even if they make fun of me,” he said. “Even if they call me names, I think I’ll be fine, as long as you’re my ally.”
I couldn’t have said why, but tears of relief welled in my eyes, despite the fact that people only cry when they’re sad. And yet I wept with relief, knowing that when Kiriyuu said that he hated me, it was a lie.
But the tears did not fall. It was weird to cry if you weren’t sad, after all. Instead, I looked into his eyes and nodded firmly.
“Of course. I’ve never once been your enemy.”
More tears streamed from him. It was curious. It felt strange that he should be crying.
He squeezed my hand again. “I really think that you should go to school, too,” he said.
“And why is that?”
Finally, I was able to hear the reason.
“You’re not like me. You’re good at studying, and smart, and strong, and I just know you’re gonna be someone important someday…that’s why you can’t skip school.”
I was glad for this praise, but he said something else that made me even happier.
“So, let’s go to school together…I’m your ally, too.”
No matter how much time passed, I would never be able to find the right words to describe how I felt in that moment. Even at Minami-san’s age, or Skank-san’s age, or even Granny’s, never ever would I be able to label the smell or the taste of what was spreading through my heart.
I was painted with such wonderful colors that not a drop of black might be found within, but nor could it be called white. It was a color that I’m not even sure existed in the world. Perhaps a brand-new color had been born in that very moment.
I could not explain what it was, so I can only offer my usual phrase instead: Life is like…my ally.
“As long as I have you, Hikari, that’s enough.”
“Huh…?”
“You made a good point, Kiriyuu-kun, so I may as well go to school. You’ll be there as my ally, won’t you?”
He cried again, just a little. He smiled too, the tears still lingering in his eyes. It was the first time I had seen his smile in ages. Seeing an ally’s smile is always a joyous thing. And so I smiled too, with my own joy.
“Well, if that’s your decision, then hurry up and get ready! We’re already super late!”
“O-on it!”
He stood quickly, roughly rubbing the tears away with his sleeve and shutting the door. He had still been in his pajamas, so he was probably changing.
I stood outside and prepared myself to leave as soon as he was ready. At first, I thought that I would just wait there quietly, but then I thought that I had better tell his mother we were going. She might be able to call the school so that we wouldn’t be marked tardy.
I told Kiriyuu-kun my plans through the door and walked down the hall, headed for the stairs. Just as I rounded the corner, I let out a wholly unattractive scream.
“Aah!”
Stunned, I fell down onto my behind. In front of me was Kiriyuu-kun’s mother. She was crouching in front of the stairs as if trying to hide, with tears in her eyes.
Everyone seems to be crying lately. Is it some new trend? Or is it contagious, like a yawn? I wondered. As I sat there still on the floor, Kiriyuu’s mother gripped my hand, the same one that Kiriyuu-kun had gripped just minutes ago.
“Thank you,” she said.
It’s probably the first time she has seen him come out of his room in ages, I thought.
“Of course,” I replied earnestly.
But then, she said something strange. “I should have told him that, too.”
What could that possibly mean? As I pondered this, I heard Kiriyuu-kun’s door open. I looked back, and there he was in the clothes he often wore, a backpack on his back. All ready to go, I thought. By the time I stood, Kiriyuu’s mother was already descending the stairs.
I was not as hasty as her, so I waited for Kiriyuu-kun. I realized I was still holding my notebook, and went to put it away in my bag.
And then…
“That’s…”
There was something in my hand that was not my notebook. Kiriyuu-kun, coming up behind me, noticed it as well. I let him know what I was truly feeling.
“Can I…have this?” I asked.
I might be refused, I thought. No, he would definitely refuse, if he was his usual self. But he didn’t refuse. He nodded, a slight look of embarrassment on his face.
I was glad, but I did not understand why. Still, I decided I would hang it up in my room at home.
“Should we get going?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he replied.
The light in his eyes shone brightly.
As we arrived at school, Kiriyuu’s fingers gripped onto my jacket. I was sure that he had no intention of touching a girl’s behind, so I said nothing. Besides, I knew exactly how he was feeling. Because I understood this, I puffed out my chest. It did not have the volume of Skank-san’s or Hitomi-sensei’s, but I puffed it out with all my might nonetheless. If you cowered in fear, your enemies would think they had won. So at times like these, it was better to thrust out your chest and pretend to be strong, even if it was a lie. My father taug
ht me that once, as we walked along a road at night.
I led Kiriyuu-kun in through the back door of the classroom, and it was as though time had stopped. Everyone stared at us, not moving a muscle. But time soon rebooted itself, and everyone averted their eyes, muttering. After that, only one person was looking at us. That person was, naturally…
“All right, quiet down everyone. This is still class time. You two are here just in time. You’re a little bit late, but class is just getting started, so don’t worry.”
I grabbed my skirt and bent my knees in greeting to Hitomi-sensei, curtsying like a princess. I was sure that I heard her reply “Merci,” even if she did not say it aloud.
Kiriyuu-kun nervously bowed his head to Hitomi-sensei, then took his seat. Oh, right, I thought. “Sensei, I forgot all of my textbooks, so I’m going to share with Kiriyuu-kun,” I announced.
A murmuring kicked up in the classroom again, but Hitomi-sensei only said, “Make sure you bring them tomorrow,” and allowed me to move my desk closer to Kiriyuu’s. I actually hadn’t brought the right books, since I had never intended to come to school today. The two of us placed our backpacks on the shelf in the back and soon we were ready to start.
We were about fifteen minutes into first period, language arts. Perfect, right? I thought, sending Kiriyuu-kun a wink, but he did not notice and it dissipated into the air.
As usual, today’s lesson was about happiness. We split into pairs to discuss a short story we had read in the previous class, in preparation for our final presentation.
I did not think that Kiriyuu-kun had read the story, so first I would have to explain it to him. Or so I thought. In fact, he had already read it. He had diligently read all of the handouts Hitomi-sensei brought for him while he was locked away in his room.
We discussed the story, and Kiriyuu-kun was even more reserved than usual. We talked about whether suddenly having enough of something you once lacked was happiness, or whether being satisfied with not having enough was happiness, and so forth. Since Kiriyuu-kun still had his head down, I did most of the talking. As we talked, I was fully aware of the glances our classmates stole in our direction here and there. They all must have been weird in the head to be so interested when they were ignoring us.