Who They Was

by Gabriel Krauze

  You reckon he’s gonna try a ting fam? I say and Gotti says nah brudda he’s not serious, blatantly moving on some eedyat ting, trapping out his grandma’s yard like that’s gonna keep him d-low. Anyway, if he don’t come back in thirty seconds we’re running up in there. I say standard and he says you got room in your jacket? Not for half a box I say, but if it’s in bits we can put it down our tracksuit bottoms and just walk extra slow innit. Forreal, says Gotti.

  The door at the top of the stairs squeaks opens and the weedman comes down with another clinged-up ball and what looks like a loaf wrapped in cling. Issa two-and-a-q and a nine bossman he says handing me the loaf. I stuff the ninebar into the front pocket of my hood. Gotti grabs the brer by his vest and pokes the strap into the top of his head, pushing it into the man’s canerow hard. Hair grease shines on the barrel. I turn around and open the front door. Gotti has the brer on his knees now, the man repeating ’low me bossman, ’low me I beg and Gotti says look away. The brer puts his face to the floor and Gotti turns round, tucks the strap into his tracksuit bottoms and steps out the door. We don’t say anything as we start running back up the road to the station. The night snarls around us and halfway up the road we burst out laughing. We jump on the train, breathless, stinking of blue cheese and head back to East.

  Back at Capo’s we tell him wagwan, although we leave out the bit about the strap and he says you man are moving greazy. We give him the nine zeds and say just give man a bag for that and the rest is payment for having us here. He says ah safe you man, I was looking to reload as well since I just shot my last draw today. I say don’t watch that brudda, safe for letting us stay here n dat. We keep the other ninebar for ourselves so we can shot it later at some point and get the p’s. When Capo’s in his room, Gotti pulls out the burner and gives it to me. I wrap it up in a T-shirt and put it back under the seating section of the sofa I sleep on. Come we bill it. Gotti’s already unwrapping the clinged-up loaf, the sweet Mother Earth smell of blue cheese exploding into the room in all its ripeness as he rips out some buds for us.

  Later, I’m on my third zoot, mad charged, head spinning out, riding the rollercoaster as my brain travels out of my face and into my belly. I close my eyes and see galaxies of pink and green and then all the stars explode into the blackness of space and my brain flies back into my head. Gotti already ko’d and I’m thinking about the day. Mad how people talk about good and evil and how I know that society as a whole would definitely call us evil. But see the brer we robbed today? He don’t think we’re evil. Just like we don’t see him as evil. Why would we? There’s just stronger wolves and weaker wolves. What was it that Nietzsche said about wolves? Suttin about it being absurd – yeah that’s the word he used, absurd – for sheep to call wolves evil when all they’re doing is following their instinct. The only thing that is bad is powerlessness. Anyway, on another day that shotter might catch man slipping, buss his gun on me and done my dance. And then what? Then it’s him who’s the showerman and I’m the victim. The thought starts to make me nervous and I start thinking nah, he couldn’t have clocked my face, too dark in that hallway. Fuck it, I’m not going Willesden for a while now, them youts that connected us to the whole ting better not chat our names coz I dun know that weedman will wanna come for us and—

  My head starts spinning off again, smoke licking the ceiling, and then my phone vibrates. It’s a text message from Yinka which reads I still love u. I look at the text for a few moments, then delete it and I don’t remember falling asleep.

  SIGNS

  I COME BACK from uni and Gotti is lying on the sofa in Capo’s flat bunning a zoot and playing with a Cartier watch.

  Where did you get the Carti brudda? I say.

  I stuck up some brer with the strap while you was at uni, he says.

  Swear down? I say. Where?

  Just over the bridge where the shops are, he says. I seen one man with a Carti on his wrist walking towards the bridge, so I run up to him and pointed the strap at his face.

  What did he do? I say.

  He got mad prang and said I’ll give you anything you want just don’t shoot, and Gotti starts laughing. I told him to give me his watch so he took it off for me and then he started dussing and I cut back to the yard. Anyway, what was uni saying?

  The next day, when I get back from uni it’s mad late and Gotti is already asleep, turned into the sofa with one arm reaching around himself.

  I’m getting ready to bill a zoot and I clock that Gotti must have been bunning bare cro since there’s only about six zeds left of the nine that we got when we done the move on that shotter in Willesden Green. I ain’t even had time to smoke that much since I’ve had bare essays to do for uni. My p’s are starting to run low as well coz I’m always getting takeaways and buying fresh pairs of creps. I’m gonna have to shot that cro soon and since Gotti’s bunned most of it, he better not try gwan like we’re splitting it fifty-fifty. I bill a zoot and try not to think.

  I come back from uni and Gotti tells me that Little Man just got rushed. He is sitting on the sofa, rubbing his hand over his head, bunning a zoot and looking at his phone. His acne’s gotten a lot worse.

  What happened? I say as I put my backpack on the floor and sit down on the sofa opposite him.

  Little Man went Harlesden to shot some food and he goes into one block and the sell who belled him ain’t there but suddenly bare mandem come into the block with ballys on and bandannas tied round their faces and they surround him and one of them backs out a shank and tries to poke him. One next yout ripped out one of his ear-studs.

  What the canary diamond one yeah? I say.

  Yeah, them ones still. So Little Man tries to like run through them to get to the door but obviously there’s too many man and then one of the brers shanks him in his stomach.

  Rah, was it deep?

  I don’t know. He told me he felt it go in and as he’s put his hands to his belly, one of the youts popped his Rolly, says Gotti.

  Not the one with all the rubies? I say.

  Yeah fam, that one, says Gotti.

  I love that watch, I say.

  Yeah that watch was hard still. And then a next yout rips his other ear-stud out and it tears his earlobe n shit. And then, coz he’s bleeding bare from his belly, them man get shook that he’s gonna frass out so they cut out the block, but he never frassed out. Some woman seen him and belled an ambulance coz he couldn’t stand up no more.

  Is he cool though? I say.

  Yeah fam, he’s just vexed innit, says Gotti.

  Mad ting, I say.

  He was slipping though, says Gotti. Going Harlesden to hit sells when there’s blatantly bare man tryna shot there as well, and them Church Road youts been beefing SK from time, he should know how it goes, especially since Brandzino got popped in the barber’s. Anyway, it’s not like he was rolling widda strap or anything so what could he do ah lie?

  I come back from uni and Gotti isn’t there.

  He’s left his shiny blue Bape trainers, which are practically new, his brown leather jacket and D&G jeans. He’s probably gone to do a move. I bell him but his phone rings out. When I sit down to bill a zoot I’m like whatdafuck – there’s like three zeds of cro left, if that. He can’t have smoked it all. I pull out a bud and start billing a zoot.

  Before I fall asleep I bell him again but his phone just rings out.

  I come back from uni and Gotti isn’t there.

  His Bapes and the leather jacket and D&G jeans are still there, which means he hasn’t been back since the other day. I try belling him but his phone keeps ringing out. What if he got shift? But if the feds got his phone it would be turned off. Either he left it somewhere or he’s still on road. Phoning him like I’m his fucking chick or suttin, what’s this brer on? No point in me tryna shot what’s left of the cro since I need to bun and anyway, Capo’s gonna give me a bag for that nine which me and Gotti dropped him. But I need p’s and what’s left of my p’s from all the moves – about three bags – is stil
l in Gotti’s mum’s yard in D-block. It’s not like I can go there on my ones anytime I want. I bill a zoot and drift.

  I come back from uni and there’s still no sign of Gotti.

  I say to Capo and Blix, I can’t get hold of Gotti you know, I swear down suttin musta happened to myman.

  Blix says I had 250 that I put away under my T-shirts in the chest of drawers in my room and now it’s gone.

  Capo says yeah it’s bate that Gotti took it.

  I’m like whatdafuck though, why would he even do that?

  Capo says you know that food you gave me, I checked today when I got back from uni and a whole two-and-a-q is missing. I hadn’t even unwrapped any of it yet.

  Yeah he blatantly took that, says Blix. Who else could it’ve been? And he turns the kettle on and says you man want tea?

  I bell Gotti eleven times but his phone just rings out.

  I come back from uni and Gotti’s phone is still ringing out when I call him. I haven’t been to SK for a while coz I’ve been busy with uni, but I’m gonna go the day after tomorrow.

  I can’t find my stainless steel Aqua Master watch that I copped like three years ago and I realise I don’t know where my gold signet ring is. Yinka gave me that ring for my nineteenth birthday. I don’t remember when I last had it on. I swear I left it on the bathroom sink and I ask Blix and Capo have you man seen my Aqua and my ring?

  Fam, myman must’ve took it, says Capo straight away.

  Yeah, Gotti blatantly took it Snoopz, says Blix and he turns the kettle on. You man want tea?

  I come back from uni and I put my bag down and because it’s been bugging me the whole day, I lift up the seating sections of the sofa I sleep on. The strap isn’t there. I lift up the seating of the sofa Gotti was sleeping on and there’s nothing there apart from a pound coin, breadcrumbs and some dust.

  I feel sick. I phone Mazey and ask if he’s seen or heard from Gotti at all and Mazey says nah broski, not even. Why, wagwan?

  I tell him about the last few days and Mazey can’t believe it.

  Why would he just ghost like that and why would he take man’s tings when you man have been looking after him in East? he says.

  I know brudda, that’s what I’m saying. What you on tomorrow? I ask.

  Nuttin brudda, says Mazey. I’ll probably go and kick ball in Grange Park at some point, come check me if you’re about.

  Say nuttin fam, I’ll see you tomorrow, I say.

  My arms feel like bone and skin. Weak. Empty. I bell Gotti but his phone just rings out.

  I bun six zoots back to back until I feel like the sky’s underneath me. I wake up with a hot rock burning a hole in my T-shirt, burning my skin. Musta fallen asleep with the zoot still smoking and dropped it on my chest.

  I’m at the astroturf football pitch in Grange Park, just off Kilburn High Road, watching Mazey play five-a-side and I’m bunning a zoot with Akin and Biggz. I’m telling them how Gotti ghosted. They listen without saying anything, let me finish the whole story and then Biggz says Gotti was smoking hard food, real talk.

  Nah man, no way, I say.

  Listen, my man was bunning work, no lie, says Biggz.

  Biggz and Akin are two olders from South Killy, couple years older than Gotti and they’ve known him from when he was a younger. It was in Akin’s block that I shanked up Stefano.

  Akin passes me a zoot but I don’t even want any right now. Everything around me looks artificial and deadout. Like the way life is just being performed by everyone right now – mandem kicking ball, people walking in the park with their kids, sound of traffic rolling in from the high road, the texture of Akin’s leather Avirex jacket, Biggz’s breath marked out in the air by a cloud of weed smoke – it’s as if everyone’s playing a part and everything around us is a prop, details in a film, none of it real. I start imagining what would happen if I fell onto my face right now without even trying to break my fall, right in the middle of the conversation. What would happen then? But in the same moment I know that there’s nothing to wake up from and I think about how I can’t even remember the last time I had a proper dream.

  I’m telling you blood. Mandem know he’s been on it for the last few months at least, says Biggz.

  Biggz turns to Akin. Gotti was in the whip with us couple weeks back. Mellow and them man was hitting sells so they had the brandy and champs on them. Two twos man pull up at one shop and Gotti says you man give me five white to hit one cat I know who works in the shop. So Mellow gives him five pebbles and Gotti goes into the shop. Blood, dem man was waiting for like half an hour for Gotti to come back out. Mandem are belling off his phone but it’s ringing out, so one of the mandem goes into the shop to see wagwan. Bossman says your friend came into my shop and asked me where the back door is. Blood, myman’s only gone into the shop, run out the back door onto Willesden Lane and cut out with the food. Biggz is laughing, coughing. Akin draws the zoot and nods. Biggz clears his throat and spits. Truss me Snoopz, Gotti’s been smoking hard food long time. You can’t trust dem man like dat.

  I can’t believe it, I say and shake my head. Gotti smoking work? But he wasn’t all fiended out, looking skinny n shit, I say.

  Blood didn’t you notice all them dutty spots on his face? says Biggz.

  Biggz and Akin spud me – safe g, safe you man – and leave the park. I wait for Mazey to finish football. He doesn’t smile when he sees me, just comes off the pitch and we clap hands, bump shoulders and then he kisses his teeth.

  Gotti you know, he says.

  At Bimz’s yard I borrow my next bredrin Stranger’s phone and call Gotti, thinking he won’t recognise the number so maybe he’ll pick up.

  Yo, says Gotti.

  Blood, it’s Snoopz.

  Oh wagwan brudda. I been meaning to call you but I jus been dealing widda lickle madness still.

  Why? Wagwan?

  I’ll tell you when I see you fam, don’t really wanna chat about it over the phone you get me.

  Blood I need to get that three bags from your mum’s yard and I need the wap.

  I know I know I know. Listen, lemme bell you back coz I’m just in the middle of suttin with Little Man. Is this your number yeah?

  Nah blood you’ve got my number, I’ve been ringing you for days.

  I know Snoopz, I know. Lissen, I’ma bell you back later one hundred.

  Make sure blood, I say and he puts the phone down.

  I bell him later that night but his phone is switched off.

  I bell Gotti the next day but his phone is still switched off. I decide to phone Alice, the girl who used to go out with him back in the day and who still kinda loves him in some sort of distant and regretful way. Alice is from a proper good family: well spoken with certain words she likes to roll around in her mouth that she’s picked up from Gotti, flirting with his world. Rich parents, living in a big house in the nice bit of Willesden. I remember the carpet in their yard was thick and clean like I almost wanted to lie down on it and there were photos of the family everywhere in silver frames. Gotti and I went round there one time and I could tell that whatever once existed between him and Alice hadn’t fully disappeared. After we left the yard, Gotti turned to me and told me how she loved it when he used to blindfold her before they fucked. She was into Gotti coz she recognised the unique combination of his brain and his mad heart, and the darkness living inside him sucked her in.

  So I phone Alice. When she picks up she sounds happy to hear from me. I go straight into it, telling her how Gotti ghosted, how he took my strap and all them tings from Capo’s yard and then I say man are telling me that Gotti’s been smoking work but I can’t believe that, I mean he’s like a brother to me.

  She’s quiet for a moment and then she says it’s true Snoopz. She tells me how it happened before. Before he went pen for five years. They were still in a relationship when he’d started smoking work. She found out when he broke into her parents’ yard one day and teefed her mum’s jewellery. That’s when she finally decided she was
done with him. They met on the platform of Willesden Junction train station so she could look him in the eyes while she searched for answers.

  He was crying when he admitted it you know, she says. Told me he’d been addicted to crack for like three months and how he couldn’t help himself and didn’t know what to do.

  I say but Alice, it’s not like he looked like he was bunning hard food. He was living with me in East and he was still kinda wedge, I mean he had a lot more muscle on him than me, he defo didn’t look like a nitty.

  Yeah but didn’t you notice his spots? The way his face would randomly break out in mad acne? says Alice. He always got it bad when he was smoking crack.

  Then she says you know what made me fall in love with Gotti? It was how rago he was. He didn’t give a fuck about what anyone thought. On our first date we were walking down the road in Willesden. He said he needed to piss and then he suddenly stopped, pulled out his dick and started pissing in the middle of the street like he didn’t care about anything and it made me fancy him even more.

  That’s how it happens. The betrayal. Not in some dramatic way, not in some complicated way, like there’s no story to even tell. The end of the friendship. It’s like some poet once said about the end of the world – not with a bang but with a whimper. I feel cold inside and my stomach swims and I go and get a bottle of Courvoisier and a draw. I drink the whole bottle on my ones at Capo’s and bun two three zoots and frass out on the sofa.

  We’re playing GTA in Bimz’s bedroom and it’s my go. We’re taking turns to play the gang war mission and we’ve been chatting about how Gotti snaked me, how he took all my shit, the three bags in his mum’s yard, the burner I paid two-and-a-half bags for, and Bimz says blood I told you, them kinda man are different fam.