Complete Indelible Love Series

by Cee, DW

  I was so bloated on all the ramen and udon houses I visited. I even went to Masaharu Morimoto’s restaurant. It was expensive! I sorely missed your brother funding that eating trip (just kidding).

  I’m sending you a foodie picture book as a graduation present. I salivated at each picture. The Japanese know how to make their food look beautiful. Congrats again! Take care.

  Emily

  May 12

  Dear Jake,

  Happy birthday! I did my best to have this reach you on your birthday. I hope I was successful. What did you do for your birthday? I guess it’s silly to ask since you can’t answer back.

  I’ve been doing well here in Japan and my Japanese has improved quite a bit. Have you ever visited Japan? It’s absolutely gorgeous here. The food, of course is heavenly. Do you know people here don’t eat as much sushi as they do in the States? Though of course, I still eat it a lot.

  I hope this has been a wonderful day for you. I’m sure your family has showered you with copious love and attention. This probably wasn’t the best idea, but I’m sending you a gift. I found these cufflinks during my trip to Tokyo last week. I was at a department store when I noticed these beautiful pieces with your initials on them. What are the chances of that? I thought these would look nice with that blue shirt you were wearing the night we met at the grocery store. They will both bring out the beautiful blue in your eyes.

  If you don’t like them, I understand. You’ve given me so many gifts while we were together, I wanted to reciprocate in a very small way. I’m sorry I was always so selfish. I don’t think I ever gave you enough—whether materially or emotionally. I was always on the receiving end. Lucky me!

  I wish we had spent more time together before we separated. There aren’t enough memories for me to think about when I’m here by myself. I guess we won’t be celebrating our birthdays together, huh? I had looked forward to our back-to-back celebrations. It will be difficult to spend those two days without you.

  I’m sorry to be rambling about. It’s a bit tough being alone tonight. My mom died seven years ago today and I wish I could be with her in Texas right now. I also wish you could be there with me. You always knew the right things to say to comfort me when I thought about my parents. I miss you, Jake.

  Maybe when I return in a few years, I’ll be lucky enough to run into you, or perhaps fall into you at the grocery store again.

  I hope you have a wonderful birthday. Please say hello to your family for me.

  Emily

  May 14

  Dear Peter,

  I have to tell you about Akihabara in Tokyo. This is an area dedicated to selling only electronic goods. It’s crazy here! You can buy camcorders and computers and even robots.

  I saw guys glued to some of the stores playing the latest Nintendo games on large TVs. It reminded me of you guys during undergrad, playing video games till the wee hours of the morning. I’d have to say that you were a borderline addict.

  There are many tourists trying to buy camcorders. I see them going from store to store trying to bargain with the shop owners. I’m not quite sure if this place is actually cheaper or if it gives off the appearance of being cheap.

  I feel like I’m back in Vegas with all the lights shining in my face at Akihabara. This place is definitely worth a visit for you. I’m sending you some pictures.

  Enjoy.

  Emily

  May 17

  Dear Max,

  It’s a bit surreal that I’ll be home in a week. I was finally finding some peace within my heart, and now I fly back to face my reality. Sarah seems to have everything under control, but if you have some time, I’d be grateful if you could help her with anything she needs. I feel so guilty that I can’t be there for her.

  Since you are done with school, do you get a vacation? I guess I don’t understand how med school works. I just know from Jake’s schedule that you doctors work a lot. Maybe it’s just him?

  I hope we can spend some time together—no scratch that. I don’t know if I’ll be available to spend time with you. I’ll see you at the wedding. I’ll be the one in that hideous pink dress. I think Sarah purposely put us in those dresses to make herself shine even brighter. Like, she isn’t going to be the most beautiful one there.

  I’ve got to go. My students are waiting for me.

  See you in a few weeks.

  Em

  May 20

  Dear Jane,

  I sent Jake a birthday card and a small present last week. I hope he got it on his birthday. It’s only been a month since my declaration of independence to you, and I feel like I’ve reverted back to the old Emily. Like a fool, I rambled in Jake’s letter about how lonely I was, and how I wished he were with me. Why do I do this to myself? I thought I had made peace with my heart. He probably laughed at my letter. Maybe he didn’t even read it. (Oh, there go the tears again.)

  Did you know Jake and I have almost the same birthday? He was born six years and one day before me. We had promised months ago to celebrate our birthdays for two straight days. I guess that didn’t happen this year. I hope he had a good birthday. What am I saying? I’m sure he had a great birthday.

  It is nighttime and yesterday and today have been the most difficult days for me since arriving here. I didn’t think I’d be alone today, especially not this year. I wished I hadn’t trusted all the promises your brother made about our future. It hurts even more when those days come and go without him. I miss you, Jane. I feel so alone today. I tried calling you for the first time, but of course, you weren’t home.

  By the time you receive this, I will probably be in LA for Sarah and Charlie’s wedding. They’re getting married this weekend. I assume you are in New York, so I won’t bother calling you when I get to the States.

  School is almost done here. Do you think you can visit me? I’m finally sending a return address so please write back. I can’t wait to hear from you.

  Bye.

  Emily

  Chapter 15 Sarah’s Wedding

  I walked into LAX, relieved to be surrounded by the familiar sights and sounds of America. It was refreshing to hear English spoken in all corners of the airport. I didn’t have to strain to understand what everyone was saying, and I didn’t have to translate every word. The clear skies, warm weather, and multiracial faces gave me a warm feeling of home.

  Not having driven a car for so long, my legs confused the clutch from the brake to the accelerator—so much for a convertible sports car. The gentleman at the rental agency winced when he heard the car sputter, then peel out of the parking lot. Leaving the airport took a bit longer than expected, so I rushed toward the hotel to check in and then to meet Sarah. We had much to do before tomorrow’s wedding. With the top down and the sun beating on my head, I breathed in the LA air—or smog—and drove past the spot that could’ve been the start of my happily ever after. I couldn’t help but stare at the corner of La Cienega and Century Boulevard, where Jake had proposed five months ago. Our indelible memories of love filled my mind. Regret was the only word I could use to describe my feelings right now.

  Although my stay would only last till tomorrow night, memories of the last seven months rushed back into my mind. Absent-mindedly, I found myself passing the hotel and going till the end of the freeway toward home. I drove by General Hospital and imagined Jake performing his multiple surgeries. I drove by my house and found my tenant’s car in the garage. Eventually, my car ended up in front of Jake’s house, idle. I had nowhere else to go. This felt like home. I wanted nothing more than to ring the doorbell and see him smile at me, though this was far from reality.

  Hesitant, but desperate to see Jake, I mustered up the courage and walked up his driveway with Sandy and Bobby’s gift. I bought a clock from an old gentleman in my village, and knew Sandy would enjoy the story behind the gift. For Bobby, I found an old Japanese doctor’s ‘manual’ from World War II. It contained remedies for all bodily ailments. Of course, I would hav
e to translate it for him. Maybe that could prolong my visit since Jake was probably at work. My legs dragged up the driveway, and my heart weighed heavily upon me. Even with the knowledge that this one visit would undo the months of strengthening myself and my heart, I had a fierce wish for my own undoing.

  Feelings of foolishness grew with the number of steps leading to Sandy and Bobby’s house. This was my ex-boyfriend’s home and I was coming unannounced, bearing gifts. My pride finally protested and made me take a hard look at myself. You are an idiot, Emily! Nobody welcomes you here anymore. How awkward. What will you say to these people? Dejected, my body turned itself around.

  Walking back to the car, someone honked and waived furiously at me. To my delight, it was Bobby and Sandy. Sandy ran out of the car and hugged me dearly. Her hug jump-started a rush of unwanted emotions. I held back the best I could.

  “Emily, when did you get back? I’ve missed you so much.” Bobby came over and hugged me as well.

  “I’ve missed both of you too,” I answered weakly.

  “Are you back for good?” Bobby asked.

  “No, I’m only here till tomorrow. It’s my best friend’s wedding,” I answered both of them while handing them each their gifts. “I stopped by to drop these off.”

  “That’s so sweet of you. Emily, where are you staying tonight? Why don’t you stay with us?”

  Sandy’s mothering plea accelerated my sadness. Both Jake’s parents looked shocked to see me cry.

  The back of my hand peeled off whatever makeup was left from this morning as I said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. Your kindness reminded me of my mom and dad.” I didn’t tell them how alone I felt right now. “I should go. Sarah needs me. I just came by to drop these off.”

  “Emily, wait!” Sandy begged. “Please stay. Remember back on Christmas Day, I asked you to think of me when you needed a mother?”

  Tears dropped in unison with my bobbing head.

  “Stay with us. Let me take care of you—you look so frail and just as lost as my son.” Sandy was the doctor I’d been searching for to heal my wounds, and just possibly, her love could be my panacea. “You and Jake have been in so much pain the last half a year. Let me share your burden and help you resolve this mess.”

  By this point, there was no stopping the stream pouring from my eyes. I quickly hugged Sandy as tightly as I could, then got in my car and left. The road was a big blur from the dam that flowed out of my eyes. Trying to push behind the sadness, I sped down the freeway, checked into my room, and then finally went to meet the jubilant bride.

  “Emily!” Sarah came running. We held each other, happy to see one another. Charlie came over and gave us a three-way hug.

  “Emily.” This time Sarah used a disapproving tone. “Why have you lost so much weight again? During all our phone calls, it never dawned on me to ask you if you were taking care of yourself. I should have known.”

  I shrugged my shoulders and didn’t answer her. She would see right through my attempt at a lie, so I decided to change the subject and ask her what I could do to help.

  “First off, I want you to go to alterations in the basement and get your dress fixed. There’s no way your dress will fit now.” Sarah was shaking her head back and forth, critical of my new figure. “Then, I want you to come with me to the salon so we can get a facial. Since the wedding is a noon ceremony, we need to get our faces prepped today. After the facial, we’ll have the rehearsal and then we’ll have an early dinner.”

  “OK,” was all I could say. Charlie walked me to alteration and got me up to speed on what’s been going on in everyone’s life.

  “Are you really going back tomorrow?” Charlie wanted to know. “You’re not going to stick around and hang out with your friends for a while?”

  “Charlie. What would I do here if I stayed a few more days? There’s no family to visit, no house to stay in, and you and Sarah will be off in Hawaii. What would keep me here?”

  “What about Jake?” As soon as he said this, my downcast look made him stop immediately. “All right, Emily. I’ll see you tonight at dinner. Bye.”

  While in Japan, I hadn’t noticed much change to my body, but trying on this dress five months later, the mirror displayed an unhealthy figure. As soon as the seamstress finished with me, I headed for the salon and I confessed to Sarah what had happened before coming to the hotel. She shook her head.

  “Emily, why? Why do you hurt yourself like this?”

  “I don’t know, Sarah. I got here and that’s where my heart led me. That felt like home.” I finished this conversation and started a new one that wouldn’t put me in the spotlight.

  Standing next to Sarah at the altar during rehearsal reminded me of my emptiness even more. Being back home was more painful than I’d imagined it to be. Of course, a wedding worsened the pain. But, I did my best to focus and know my role as the maid of honor for my best friend. Regardless of my feelings, sadness had no place in this wedding. I would enjoy this day with my dear friends.

  Though Sarah and Charlie had only invited immediate family to the rehearsal dinner, greeting all of them and explaining my five-month absence exhausted me. I was hoping to see Max and Peter, but Charlie told me that they were working at the hospital tonight in order to have tomorrow free. Catching up with my dear friends would have to wait until tomorrow.

  We all turned in early, as I had the job of picking up the bride at 7:00 a.m. for her makeup and hair appointment at the salon. With a noon wedding, every minute counted and I didn’t want to be responsible for making the bride late on her wedding day.

  The morning schedule went off without any glitches, and we arrived at the hotel an hour before the ceremony. When I saw Sarah come out of the dressing room ready to walk down the aisle, I went over and carefully hugged her. She shined brighter than the sun.

  “Sarah, you are the most beautiful bride!” I declared.

  “Thanks, Emily. Thank you for being here. I know it’s hard for you right now.”

  “Sarah, I love you, and I’m so very happy for you. This is your glorious day. Let’s not talk about anything else but you and Charlie.”

  It did make me sad to be here. Seeing Sarah reminded me that this could’ve been my dream as well. Not wanting to demonstrate any hint of misery, I erased these thoughts and helped Sarah begin her new life.

  The minster had the bride and groom say their vows and Charlie happily kissed the bride. We all cheered for the happy couple, and I finally caught a glimpse of Max. As always, he was warmly smiling at me. After pictures were done, we walked into the reception hall and I helped Sarah greet her guests.

  After lunch and a long toast by the best man, Sarah and Charlie went out to the dance floor as a couple. They looked blissful together. As their song ended, Max walked over to me, hugged me affectionately, and asked me to dance.

  “Hi, Max. It’s wonderful to see you.”

  “Em. It’s good to see you too. I’ve missed you. How have you been?” He held my hand to the dance floor, started asking me about my stay in Japan, and guilted me into telling him the exact location of my whereabouts.

  “I can’t believe you sent me letters with no return addresses! What was that all about?” He sounded flabbergasted.

  I apologized.

  “Why would you do this, Em? Didn’t you think maybe we’d want to converse with you as well? I had so many things I wanted to tell you. There was no way for any of us to know how you were really doing. I’ve missed you.” Max’s worried eyes made me regret not allowing a two-way communication with my friends.

  “I’ve missed you too. Before I leave, I’ll write down my address, and you can write to me. Maybe you and Peter can visit me as well.”

  “How about an e-mail address so we can have faster communication? Or maybe even a cell phone number?” A mocking question, one after another, trailed. “Perhaps we can even text—your favorite method of communication?”

  �
��I don’t have a computer there nor do I have a cell phone. I could give you the Suzuki’s home number but you’ll just be better off writing letters. There’s something to be said about receiving a letter in the mail—the old-fashioned way.” I put an emphasis on the last four words.

  “Do you want me to get you a laptop and/or a cell phone before you leave? How can you be so cut off from life? And also, were you serious when you said that you were staying another year?” Once again, there was disapproval in his eyes.

  “It’s peaceful to be a little backward. Everyone concentrates on what’s only in front of them, and we don’t worry about keeping up to date with everyone else.” Little did Max understand I wanted to cut off every possible way of communicating with Jake. “And yes, I think I will stay in Japan another year. I like it there.” This wasn’t the whole truth, but it wasn’t a complete lie either.

  “Em, I need to tell you something,” Max turned serious as we continued to dance. “I saw Jake yesterday at the hospital for the first time since Grand Canyon.”

  My body stopped dancing. My heart stopped beating.

  Max led us back to his seat.

  I didn’t say anything, though I had a million questions I wanted answered. Waiting for Max to continue his thought tested every shred of nonchalance I feigned on the topic of Jake.