by Cee, DW
The cot was one of those army green looking ones that appeared super uncomfortable. There was a foot wrapped in a blanket at the bottom of the cot and as I perused the sleeping body, something was seriously wrong. This body wasn’t long enough, big enough, or manly enough to be my boyfriend—or ex-boyfriend, depending upon whom you ask. Just to be real clear, I got right behind this body and undid the blanket just enough to see red—not dark brown hair—under the blanket. SHE, as in HANNAH, was sleeping underneath that blanket.
I fell back a few steps and before I could think about anything else, I ran out of the tent. All I could do was run as fast as I could to the car waiting on the other side of the tents. My heart was crushed. No, it was more than crushed. It was blown to bits and there was no way I’d ever find it again.
I figured Max would be pissed. I knew I’d have to grovel because this time, it was solely my doing. Never in my wildest of dreams, did I imagine finding Hannah in Max’s bed. We’d only been apart a few weeks! Maybe they, too, were trying things out the way Donovan and I tried back in Chicago? Did I need to give him a bye, since I pulled the same stunt? I was so hurt and confused.
“Jane!” I ran out of there as though my life depended upon it, thanking God that there was a car waiting for me.
“Jane!” I didn’t bother turning around. Nick would figure out that I was going back home. He didn’t need to know the particulars and I wasn’t going to be the one to explain it to him.
“Dammit, Jane. Slow down.” That didn’t sound like Nick so I slowed my steps but still didn’t turn around.I stopped running and waited for this person to catch up with me. Did I want this person to be Max?
Did I need this confrontation right now? I sure as hell wasn’t going to apologize anymore, not after what I saw in that tent.
“Gem,” a gentle voice turned me around.
I lost it as soon as I saw Max’s face. Why did he need to look so desperately happy to see me? He’d lost weight, and he was sunburned, but he looked perfect to me. He pulled me into his body, I pushed myself into his body. I don’t know what happened, but I was crying my eyes out, holding onto him.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered without letting go of me. “I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve thought a million times about blowing out of here to go talk to you and make things right with you.”
“You have?” I asked with tears pouring down my face. “Then why haven’t you responded to any of my emails?”
Max tried to answer my question several times but couldn’t quite form his words. “An email couldn’t do justice to all the thoughts I had in my mind. I have so many things I want to say to you and so many things I still need answered from you. Would you mind staying here tonight? We need to talk and decide one way or the other how we want our relationship to go.”
“Where would I stay?” I got angry all of a sudden as I remembered who was sleeping in his cot. “I can’t believe you! We’ve been apart for a few weeks. How can you?”
“Um...you want to explain why you’re going batshit crazy on me, again? You were just in tears because you were happy to see me.”
“That was because I forgot about Hannah!”
Max closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief. “We have so much crap to talk about and you’re upset because Hannah is here? You knew she was here. You saw her at the airport.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t know you were sleeping with her!” I accused.
“Shit!” He yelled. “You drive me fucking insane!” He yelled even louder. “You were the one who had thoughts of cheating on me, and you come down here and accuse me of having cheated on you? What the hell is the matter with you?”
Max was so angry, I thought maybe I shouldn’t have brought up this minor detail? Or, could I have seen a mirage of Hannah?
“Um...” I answered meekly and quietly. “I saw Hannah sleeping in your cot when I went into your tent?” I squeaked out a question-answer.
“Which tent did you visit?”
I walked over and pointed towards the tent in question. Max just stayed where he was and put both his hands on his head and groaned aloud. He then marched over to me, grabbed my hand, pulled me into a different tent, put both hands on my face and kissed me like we have never, ever, ever kissed before. It was seriously the kiss to end all kisses. At first, the way we kissed was all wrong. It had been so long, we were out of practice. And if we were making music, it would have been a disastrous cacophony. Our teeth clashed into one another (and yes, that hurt) and I felt like Max’s tongue was down my throat (and yes, I thought I may barf at times), but we couldn’t stop kissing. We kissed till I was lightheaded and couldn’t breathe anymore, but damn did that kiss feel good.
“Stop.” I pulled away. “I need to breathe. You’re making me dizzy.”
Max let me go and sat on the cot. He still had his head in his hands. “This is my tent. Do you see Hannah in here?”
I looked around and noticed a different room. “Well...” I backpedaled. “I went into the tent that the Hispanic guy pointed to...”
“Did the Hispanic guy speak English, or did he just point?” He started grinning.
“Well...” I started laughing. “I don’t know. I wasn’t listening. I just did as I was told.”
“Good God! You actually did as you were told?” He said in a snarky way.
“All right, already. Let’s drop it. I went to the wrong tent. BFD!” I was starting to get a bit defensive, which wasn’t going to be good for either of us.
“Come here,” he commanded.
I thought for a second before following the command. As much as it killed me to be the soldier to this commanding officer, I knew this wasn’t the time to go AWOL.
I sat right next to him on the cot.
“You want to start?”
The jerk was putting the ball in my court, first. FINE! Grudgingly, I started this round. “I’m sorry.”
He waited for me to continue but that’s all I could say for now. “Is there more?”
“No. I said all I needed to say at the airport, but you didn’t believe me. You told me to do what I want to do, be with who I want to be with, and to figure out what I want out of life. I did what you told me to do, and I’d like to be with you. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I...” I slowed my speech, “love you still very much, and if you don’t feel the same, just let me know now and I’ll get out of your way.” There. I put myself out there for Max to take or to throw away.
“What did you actually do that you wanted to do, and who were you actually with, that you wanted to be with—in order to figure out what you wanted in life?”
SHIT! Perhaps, I shouldn’t have said so much when trying to reconcile with my boyfriend. Do I tell him about the incestuous kiss with Donovan? I knew Donovan would never tell. Jake and Emily would keep this secret for us as well, especially since they knew it resulted in us coming to the conclusion that we’d never work. But, if Max and I were starting new, was this the healthiest way to restart a relationship—with a BIG FAT LIE?
This was one hell of a dilemma! Perhaps we needed to reconsider reconciling, after this time of reckoning.
July 18, 2013 Rec(k)on(cil)ing Res(v)is(i)ted
“Well?” He needed a damn answer and I had to give him one.
“You remember the day I threw my birthday present back at you and I went into another departure gate?”
“Yeah.” He let out a snort. “This entire Mexico team remembers the day you threw my gift back at me and laughed at my face.”
“I didn’t laugh at you!”
“Go on...!” He demanded in an exasperated tone.
“I went to go see Becky in Chicago and after crying all over her the entire morning, I kinda ran into Donovan.”
“Fucking hell. Maybe you should stop here and just go home.” He let out another ugly snort and got off the cot and walked around the tiny tent. He was making me dizzy and I wanted to tell him to sit the hell down,
but I couldn’t exactly raise my voice since I knew the rest of this story wasn’t going to sit pretty with him. I needed to pick my battles. It was a while before he stopped moving around in circles.
“You want me to continue or shall I really go home? The driver is still waiting for me if you want me to leave.”
“Am I going to regret asking you to stay and continue your story?”
How was I to answer this one? On the one hand, the one kiss might be a sore spot for Max, but on the other hand, Donovan and I are finally done. We’ve figured out what we both wanted and it’s not each other.
“Before I got to Chicago, Becky asked her brother to come by and help me. Donovan and I...after...well, after all was said and done, we decided we didn’t suit. In fact, we thought it was kind of incestuous. I mean, it was like a million on the scale of 1 to 10.”
“What is it that was a million on a scale of 1 to 10? And what is it that was done that brought you to this conclusion?”
“Donovan and I kind of...” My palms were sweaty, my body was shaking, I didn’t think I could explain this little kiss.
“Did you fuck him?”
I went bug-eyed and slack-jawed on Max. “Did you just ask me if I fucked Donovan?” I couldn’t believe Max asked me this question and in such a crass way. Did he really think I’d go as far as sleeping with Donovan? “What do you take me for—some slut, sleeping with any available guy?”
Max quickly apologized. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions and I definitely shouldn’t have said that. Anytime you mention his name, you put me on edge. I don’t know what to expect.”
Fair enough. I decided to let that one go. “Well, Donovan and I had a long talk and we finally understood that our ‘attraction’ was not really an ‘attraction,’ but more of a curiosity. At some point in our lives, we were attracted to each other, but that got replaced with the easy-going friendship that we have. We just needed to test it out and confirm that what we felt for each other was neither like nor love.” There! That was a great explanation.
“You’re evading the question. What is it that was done to test out these feelings?”
“We had brunch with Becky and Al, then we did a little shopping, and then we decided to go back to his hotel room,” I could see Max getting red, so I emphasized the last two words, “AND TALK.” The beet redness came down and he was back to his usual coloring.
“Go on.”
“Donovan wanted to know what had happened between you and me and I told him that you were correct when you accused me of contemplating going away with Donovan.”
“Fuck.” Max whispered in pain.
“I also explained to him that my wavering was no different to you than cheating, and on that, I agreed with you.”
I looked at Max, but he didn’t look back. He was in so much pain. I felt like a complete bitch for hurting this good man, AGAIN!
“Then, I told Donovan how I felt about him—or at least what I thought I felt about him. I explained that I believed I was attracted to him, and he, too, thought he was attracted to me. I also told him that I did think at times that a relationship with him would be easier, but never did I think a relationship with him would be better.”
Max just put his head in his hands.
“Donovan confessed that he regretted giving me the carte blanche tickets and that he was an asshole for telling me to cheat on you. He really regrets what he did.”
Max now looked at me and shook his head. I translated that to, you both are unbelievably fucking stupid. “So that’s it? You have this confession time and you’re both cured of your attraction to one another? How do I know you two won’t start up again?”
The way he said that was a little mean-spirited and calloused, but I let it go for the sake of our relationship.
“No.” I sighed. “There’s a bit more.”
“Of course there is. That would have been too damn easy.”
“We decided at that point to go out on a date.”
“Shit!”
“We went to see a matinee of The Book of Mormons, we had an early dinner, then we went shopping for the twins. Then...” Shit, here it was...the big confession.... “Then, we went back to Donovan’s room and we...kissed...”
“Dammit, Jane.” Max sounded like he was about to cry. “Why do you do this to me? Why the fuck did you need to kiss him, and why the fuck did you need to tell me this? Do you get some sick satisfaction in knowing that you’re the only one who can hurt me this badly? For the last month, I was tormented that we’d broken up, that I’d ended our relationship in such a shitty way, that I’d hurt you. During this time, I wondered how I could make things up to you, whether or not you’d want to get back together with me, how sad you must have been because I was such an asshole to you. Never did I think you were out dating another guy...”
Damn and double damn! “I’m not done with my story. And it’s not what you’re thinking,” I tried to do damage control. “We kissed once—and not even for that long. We broke it off immediately because we both came to the realization that it felt more like a brother and sister kissing, than a man and a woman kissing. It was actually the most disgusting kiss for the both of us.”
“So, because it didn’t work out for the both of you makes it all right to have kissed one another? All is good in this world since Jane and Donovan have figured out what they want?”
“Now wait a damn minute.” This man was starting to piss me off. I had a difficult enough time explaining myself, and in my mind, it all ended with everyone understanding each other. All’s well that ends well, no? “I’m trying to tell you that Donovan and I don’t like each other. We are friends—good friends. We probably haven’t liked each other in a very long time. It was probably a stupid curiosity we needed to get out of our system. It’s out. It’s done. You and I have no more issues.”
“Jane. If you believe that because you were able to satiate your curiosity, that everything turned out for the better, we have some serious fundamental differences that I don’t know if we can overcome. You kissed another man.”
I did my best to keep my voice even-tempered. “Yes, but you told me to go figure myself out. I did just that. And let me remind you, WE were broken up when I went on a measly date with Donovan. WE were no more because YOU decided WE didn’t suit. WE were no longer together so YOU can’t be upset with me. I only did what YOU told me to do.”
“If that’s your philosophy, then why the hell did you go batshit crazy on me when you thought Hannah was sleeping in my tent? So, it’s no big deal for YOU to go out on a date and kiss another man, but I can’t have someone sleeping in my tent?”
Damn freakin’ Max! “I thought you were fucking her, excuse my language.” I said in a most sarcastic way.
“You are so damn hypocritical. Why is it okay for you, but not for me?”
“Did you or did you not break up with me before you left for this trip?” He wouldn’t answer me. “We were NOT together, which means, we were free to do as we pleased. It pleased me to go out with Donovan—once—and it pleased me to kiss him—once. After that, I finally understood myself and what I wanted.”
“You still don’t get it, do you?”
What the hell didn’t I get? “Maybe it’s you who doesn’t get it!” I yelled. “I came here to make up with you. I came all the way here to say I’m sorry and that the Donovan issue was all cleared up. I want to have a relationship with you and no one else. I still love you. If you can’t understand that, then maybe we do have fundamental differences we can’t resolve.”
The asshole didn’t stop me from leaving his tent. I was never so grateful to see the driver still waiting. I’d go back to my hotel, catch a flight back home, and contemplate later if this was really it. This was supposed to be a time of reckoning and reconciling revisited—not reckoning and reconciling resisted! Damn. Why is life so complicated?
July 22, 2013 Movin’ On
“We
ll?” Donovan asked me at lunch. “What happened?”
I explained the entire story of what happened in Mexico, and how Max was back in LA, but living at his parents’ home with Hannah still there. “Josh says that Hannah is moving out this weekend, but I don’t know what the hell to think.”
“You know there’s nothing going on with Hannah. Max is hurting, and I don’t blame the guy. I tried to visit him at the hospital but he wanted nothing to do with me.”
“When did you do that?” Though we were at lunch, I had no appetite to eat anything. “Two days ago, I went to go see Jake and the Chief at the hospital and I asked Jake to page Max for me. Max came into Jake’s office for all of half a second, till he saw me, then he blew out of there. I tried to go apologize, but Jake stopped me.”