by A. Zavarelli
And I remember.
“Vitals are good again.”
“Sir, we need you to step out. Someone get him out of the room please. Sir, we can’t help her if you’re in the way.”
“I’m here, Kat,” he says again.
I’m alive. He’s alive. Josh? Is Josh alive?
“Josh?” I croak out.
I think I see him smile. “Josh is fine. He’s waiting for his mommy.”
That’s good.
That’s okay.
My eyes close. The world begins to fade again, and I let it, but this time, it’s not bright but dark, and as my consciousness begins to fade, I try to remember what happened.
I went up to our room to get Josh’s bathing suit, and Vasily was there waiting for me. He took me to that warehouse. He said terrible things about my mother. He hurt me. And he punched me in my belly.
In case things go south, he’d said. And I understand what he meant.
I was pregnant.
“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of her.”
Her.
A little girl. She’s with my mom now, and Josh is safe, and I can sleep. I don’t have to worry. I can just sleep.
24
Lev
“Welcome back.” I squeeze Kat’s hand.
She tries to speak, her throat muscles working, but the nurse shakes her head. “Give it some time, honey. You’ve been out for a while. We’re going to get you some water, and then the doctor wants to check you over.”
Her eyes move to mine, and I lean down to kiss her forehead, a silent promise that everything’s going to be okay. Right now, the room is full of nurses and technicians. There’s so much I want to say. There’s so much I want to know. But I have to be patient.
Kat blinks and moves her gaze around the room as the rest of her body slowly starts to wake. She’s weak, cold, and terrified. I can see that in her eyes. But I want her to know that I’m here.
“Here’s your water.” The nurse returns. “We’re going to sit you up. Sip it very slowly, okay?”
Kat blinks in response, and they adjust her bed, instructing her on what they want her to do as they help her with the water. She’s so small and fragile; it wrecks my heart to see her this way. Almost childlike in her demeanor and her expressions. This isn’t the Kat I’m used to, and I’m still terrified the worst is yet to come.
Maybe she won’t remember me. Maybe she won’t even be able to speak. Maybe she won’t be Kat at all. The doctors tried to prepare me for every scenario, and they said the only way to tell is time. But I’m anxious about the exam. I want to see for myself. Regardless, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if she doesn’t remember me, or if she doesn’t know how to speak. We’ll find a way to get through it just like we did with everything else.
“Welcome back, Katerina.” The doctor enters with a clipboard in hand, her eyes bright and positive as she looks over Kat. “I’m Dr. Sampson, and I’ll be doing your examination today.”
Kat nods. It’s stiff, but it’s there. The smallest of movements, but it gives me hope. So much fucking hope. If she’s nodding, that means she comprehends, right? I look at the doctor, but she has a good poker face. She doesn’t even blink as she wheels her chair over next to Kat’s bed.
“Just give me a second to look over your vitals,” she murmurs and then hands the clipboard off to one of the nurses. “Okay, here we go. We’re going to run through a series of tests, Katerina. Right now, it might be difficult for you to speak, so I don’t want you to worry about that. If you understand, I want you to blink twice for yes. Can you do that?”
Tension creeps into my bones as I swing my gaze back to Kat, watching like a hawk as she blinks once, and then again. It feels like we just won the fucking Olympics. Internally, I’m freaking the fuck out, but the doctor is playing it cool, and I know that means there is still a lot more to figure out.
Over the next half hour, she does a series of tests with Kat. Checking her vision, her hearing, her comprehension. One test bleeds into another, and with every victory, my racing heart slows. My baby is here. She’s alive. And she’s kicking ass just like she’s always done.
“That’s enough for today.” The doctor moves to the sink and washes her hands. “I’ll be back tomorrow to check on you again, and we’ll keep at it. But you’ve done very well, Katerina. I just want you to rest now, okay?”
Kat blinks twice, and I squeeze her hand. Within a few minutes, the room clears out, and it’s just Gleb and me left beside her. She looks at both of us, then back at me, her face pinching with frustration. She wants to say something, but she can’t.
“Josh is okay,” I tell her. “He’s with Maxim at Gleb’s house being spoiled rotten. Don’t worry, sweetheart. He’s just fine.”
She blinks twice and then points at her water. I hold it up for her, letting her take a couple of sips before I set it aside. Then she brings a shaky hand to her throat, clutching at it as she opens her parched lips again. Another scratchy sound forces its way out of her lips, and I shake my head.
“Your throat is tender. The doctor said—”
“Baby.”
This time, I hear the word clearly even though it’s barely a whisper. My heart stalls, and Gleb lays a hand on my shoulder. Neither of us knows how to navigate this situation. And I can’t bear to break Kat’s heart. Not after everything she’s been through.
“You need to rest, sweetheart.” I lean forward and kiss her on the temple. “In a couple of days, Josh might be able to come see you. But rest first.”
Her face falls, and she blinks twice. I stroke her hand in mine, and within minutes, she is back to sleep again.
The next three days are a series of milestones. Kat moving her hand. Kat sitting up. Kat taking her first steps with the help of two nurses, and me and Gleb as backup, just in case. It’s slow and painful to watch her struggle with the simplest of things, but she tackles them as only Kat can, with a steel backbone and determination in her eyes.
I know the biggest of her motivations is seeing Josh again. But she doesn’t want him to see her so weak. Words spoken from her own lips, which she’s still struggling with. She can carry on a conversation, but only for so long before she needs to take a break again. Dr. Sampson explained that it’s totally normal for anyone who’s been through so much trauma to feel so weak, but she’s confident that Kat is likely going to make a full recovery, and it’s the first peace I’ve had in a full month. It won’t be easy. There will be physical therapy to ensure Kat regains her strength and her balance, and the potential for side effects that still haven’t made an appearance yet. Dr. Sampson said headaches and mood changes are just a couple of the things we need to watch out for. But right now, when I look at Kat, she’s still Kat to me. Her eyes are shining with vulnerability, and pain, but also love. Love for me.
“I missed you,” she whispers. “Is that weird to say?”
I bring her palm to my lips and kiss her there. “You have no idea how much I missed you, baby.”
“It was so strange,” she says. “Being trapped inside my own body. So helpless. I wanted to tell you I was okay, but I couldn’t. And then at times, I wondered if I really was okay, or if it was all a dream. Or if I was already—”
“Don’t say it.” I flinch. “Please don’t even say it.”
She nods, and we study each other, and I know what’s coming before she even brings it up.
“The baby is gone.”
Pain lances through my gut, and I nod, trying to find the words to comfort her.
“I heard them talking about it,” she tells me. “And then I saw my mother.”
“Your mother?” I croak.
Tears fill her eyes, spilling out onto her cheeks. “She told me she was going to take care of our little girl, Lev. She told me they are together.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” I bury my head against her chest, clutching her body as I choke back my emotions. “I’m so sorry. I failed you. I failed all of you.”
“I love you, Lev,” Kat murmurs. “And our love is stronger than everything that’s happened to us. I don’t need you to be sorry. I just need you to be here. Forever.”
I look up at her, wishing I could pull her up into my arms and curl her against my chest. There is so much I want to tell her, but for now, a promise will have to do.
“I’m going to spend every day of the rest of my life by your side, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”
Three Months Later
25
Kat
Today is Josh’s fourth birthday. I’m in the kitchen icing his birthday cake when he comes running in from the open sliding glass doors.
“You won’t believe what we did!” he tells me. He’s excited and almost out of breath from running.
I turn to catch him, bracing myself for him to barrel into me, but Lev intercepts him.
“Whoa, take it easy,” Lev tells him, lifting him in his arms. I’ve been home, well, at Gleb’s house, for two months now, and I swear Lev’s like a ninja, keeping one eye on me and always ready to spring into action if he suspects I’m tired or may trip or, as in this case, catch a very excited Josh.
I give Lev a look as I wash vanilla icing off my finger. “I’m fine,” I mouth.
He ignores me, leaning in with Josh in so he can give me a hug and a sticky kiss on my cheek.
“Sorry, Mommy.”
“You don’t have to be sorry, Josh. I love your hugs. Now tell me what you did,” I ask as Gleb—it’s still weird to think of him as my father, and I can’t seem to be able to call him anything but Gleb—walks into the house looking a little tired after most of the day out with Josh.
“Grandpa took me racing! He’s a really good driver, Mommy,” he says that part with a nod in Grandpa’s direction. Funny how he’s taken all of this in. His new family, his new life. Not that this is his new life, but for a little boy who just one year ago thought he didn’t have a dad and was too young to ask why, he now has a dad and a grandpa, and he acts like it’s the most normal thing. Like they’ve always been there.
“Racing?”
“Formula 1, Mommy!”
“Where did you do that?” I ask Gleb as he sits down at the table and starts to check his phone.
“Oh, there’s a place near here I rented out.” He waves the question away.
“He beat Uncle Maxim and even Dima. Beat them bad.”
Uncle Maxim walks stiffly into the house, and Dima follows. He’s the only one who doesn’t look worn out.
Lev grins at Maxim. “You really are getting old, man,” he tells him.
“Lev.” I jab an elbow into him and turn to Gleb. “You rented a whole place out?”
He looks up at me like what I’m asking is ridiculous. “Of course.”
“We talked about this. He needs to be treated like a normal kid and have a normal life.”
With a shrug of his shoulder, he makes a dismissive sound and eyes the cake warily. The icing is vanilla, but the neon blue food coloring makes it look not very natural. On top are sprinkled miniature marshmallows in more colors you’d never find in nature.
Josh has climbed up on a stool at the counter and is looking dreamily into his cake.
“Shouldn’t you sit down? Rest?” Gleb asks me.
“I’ve been resting for months. I’m tired of resting. Hey, but I’m serious,” I tell him, going to him and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Normal, okay?”
“Okay,” he says, closing his hand over mine. “But he’s my grandson. I can spoil him on his birthday.”
“Fine.”
We haven’t talked much privately since everything, and I want to spend some time with him. Hear about my mother from him.
I’m grateful that my brain seems to have blocked out the actual events of the afternoon that led to my medically-induced coma. I hope I never remember what happened to me that day because the sliver of memory I do have—the blurry vision of Vasily as he told me to look at him, to make sure I see him as he killed our baby, a baby I wasn’t even sure was there yet—still has me waking up at night covered in a cold sweat.
I don’t understand that kind of evil, and I never want to.
Gleb smiles up at me. I see the sadness in his eyes, that regret or loss. He hasn’t opened up much about how he feels. I don’t think it’s natural for him to do that, but I get the feeling the regret is for what could have been.
If my mother had come to him, I think he would have forgiven her. Would I have grown up with a father then?
No. Even if I’d had a dad, I wouldn’t have Lev or Josh, and I won’t give them up for anything in the world.
“Take my grandson upstairs, Katerina. There are a few more presents for him in his room.”
“More presents?” I ask.
“I’m allowed to spoil him on his birthday, remember?” His gaze falls on Lev. “Lev and I will have a talk.”
I glance back and forth between the two of them, and I wonder if Lev knows what this is about.
“Go upstairs with your mom, Josh,” Lev tells Josh, who has just licked a little icing off his finger.
He hops off the table, and I take his hand. “Don’t think I didn’t see that.” I wink at him as Lev takes a seat at the kitchen table, and just beyond them, I see the two men outside.
Gleb’s house is in a highly secure compound outside of the city, but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to all the guards. With Vasily and Andrei dead, do we have other enemies? In a way, I guess being Gleb Mikhailov’s daughter makes me a target, and it makes Josh one too.
Josh hums a tune as we make our way upstairs to his bedroom. It’s beside ours with a connecting door between and about three times the size of our little cabin in Colorado.
I have to tell him not to get used to this. We will leave soon, I think. But as much as I love Colorado, a part of me wants to stay here to be closer to my father now that I’ve found him. Give Josh the family I never had.
I know, though, that Lev wants out of this life. He doesn’t like staying at the house, but it was the best option while I was in the hospital, and we didn’t want to move Josh too much until we figured out what to do.
“Wow!” Josh’s eyes go wide when he opens his bedroom door.
“Oh…my God.”
He runs toward his bed, probably unsure where to start as boxes and boxes wrapped in brightly colored paper litter every available surface on the bed and floor.
I walk into the room to sit down at the head of the bed, hating that I feel a little tired, and watch him as he begins to tear into the packages. I can’t help the smile on my face to see him so happy.
Does he remember that day at the house with Andrei? Or those men at the rest area when we’d run? Will those events ever come back to haunt him later?
I touch the scar on my arm and remember the events that traumatized me. That made me who I am.
I can’t take those terrible things away from Josh, but I can be there for him when he does remember.
Glancing at the nightstand, I pick up one of the photos. It’s the one of my mom with Gleb, and they both look so happy. I have one exactly like this in my room too. And I think about my dream at the hospital.
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her,” she’d said. Her. Our little baby girl.
“Mommy.” Josh climbs up into my lap, and I wrap an arm around him as he rests his head, then touches my mother’s face in the photo. “Mommy.”
“Grandma.” I’m not sure he believes me.
“Grandma,” he repeats and looks up at me with Lev’s eyes.
He touches a scar under the freshly cut bangs I got to hide this newer one. His face grows darker when he does it, but he never asks about that time I was in
the hospital. I guess he will later, when he’s older. Instead, he shifts his little hand to my hair and takes a lock of it into his hand.
“I like your hair better like this. I like red.”
“Me too, sweetheart. Me too.” I kiss him on the top of his head and hold him for a long time. I think he’s going to fall asleep, and just when I think I might, too, he stirs.
“Time for cake?” he asks.
26
Lev
“I know you’re a proud man.” Gleb studies me from across the table. “I know you’d do what it takes to make sure your family is comfortable.”
“Always.” A dark cloud lingers above me as I consider everything that’s happened over the past year.
“I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that I’m a proud man too.” Gleb smiles, and we both chuckle. “I haven’t had anyone in my life for a long time. But for the first time, I have a family in Kat, Josh, and you. And I like to take care of my family too. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how we can make this work.”
“I’m open to suggestions,” I say, “as long as we’re both on the same page.”
Gleb nods. “I’ve already spoken to Maxim. He wants to stay in New York. He’s going to do some work for me at the club. Nothing too strenuous, but I thought it would be something to keep him busy.”
“If he’s happy with that, then I am too.”
“Good.” Gleb reaches into his pocket and retrieves something, but I can’t see what it is. “As for Kat, well she hasn’t said one way or the other what she wants to do.”
“We haven’t really gotten to that part yet,” I admit. “We’ve just been trying to make sure she makes a full recovery before we commit to anything.”
“I have an option.” Gleb slides whatever’s in his palm across the table, and when he lets go, it becomes apparent it’s a set of keys. “I don’t want a thank you. I don’t want anything. I just want you to accept this without being too proud to tell me you can take care of your family on your own, or whatever you’re about to say. I’m an old man, and I have everything I need already. So, if I can do this for my daughter, it would give me peace of mind.”