Raccoon Racketeer (Pet Whisperer P.I. Book 7)

by Molly Fitz

  “Guys, that’s enough,” I said with a stern look. “Like it or not, we need to work together on this one. I need you to put your differences aside and recognize that we’re all the same team here.”

  “At least one of you has a bit of sense,” Pringle said, shooting a dirty look toward Octo-Cat. Sigh.

  Much to my surprise and delight, the tabby stayed quiet. His wildly flicking tail belied his true feelings, though.

  I offered him an appreciative smile before moving forward with the plan. “Let’s get started in the attic. Pringle, can you show me the hiding place you mentioned the other night? The one in the baseboards?”

  He nodded and gave me the thumbs up sign. I swear he was becoming more human by the day. “Sure. I’ll meet you up there,” he said.

  “Um, can’t we just go up together?” I stood and pointed toward the stairs. “I mean, it’s just up there.”

  He raised both eyebrows and shot me a goofy grin. “We could, but I prefer to use my private entrance. Remember, I’m VIP, honey. Very Important Pringle.”

  “Gag me on my own hairball,” Octo-Cat grumbled. I wouldn’t just owe Pringle after this. I was starting to think my cat would deserve a medal for his restraint in dealing with the obnoxious forest animal.

  “Fine,” I said even though I was already beyond irritated. I opened the front door for the raccoon so that he could sashay his way outside, then grabbed a folding chair from the storage closet and marched upstairs to the guest room where I’d found Nan Marie Kondo-ing the other day.

  “Let me help you,” I told the tabby in light of the nasty spill he’d taken last time we were up here.

  “Don’t insult me.” He jumped onto the chair, wiggled his butt, and leaped through the hatch flawlessly.

  I followed shortly after, also using the chair to help me gain an adequate amount of leverage before pulling myself up by my throbbing arms.

  Once I was seated securely on the attic floor, I glanced around the space, surprised by the high ceilings—although I probably shouldn’t have been given the general grandeur of the estate. Even in the rarely visited space, the floors were made of elegant hardwood, and the walls had been decorated in a pretty green, textured wallpaper. One hexagonal window sat within the far wall, casting a steady beam of light into the space.

  Pringle was already there waiting for us. “Took you long enough.”

  “Show us the hiding place,” I commanded, no longer worried about being courteous with the sarcastic, self-important under-porch dweller. We just needed to get on with business.

  He nodded and walked around the edge of the room before stopping in the corner farthest from the window. “Here,” he said, pointing.

  I dropped to my knees and pulled at the edge of the wood trim, but it remained firmly wedged in place.

  “It’s push, champ. Not pull,” Pringle explained, giving it a swift karate kick. Sure enough, the mahogany trim collapsed to reveal a dark hole.

  I gulped down my nerves and reached my hand into the mysterious space.

  Nothing.

  “I already cleaned it out,” the raccoon revealed. “Nothing left. Not in there at least.”

  “Then what are we even doing up here?” Octo-Cat demanded with a huff. It was only then I realized he was pacing the length of the room.

  “Look.” Pringle pointed toward a stack of cardboard boxes nearby. “There are some new things here since I last searched.”

  “Nan’s Marie Kondo-ing,” I whispered. “She wasn’t just throwing things out. She was hiding them here, too.”

  Pringle rubbed his hands together in excitement. “Oooh, fun. Let’s go see what new secrets we can find.”

  I opened each of the three boxes and set them side by side on the floor. Pringle immediately dove into the biggest one while I decided to start with the smallest.

  “It’s times like this I think it might be nice to have fingers, even though they look so… yuck.” Octo-Cat shuddered at the thought, then stalked over to lie in the sunbeam coming from the window, leaving us to do all the snooping.

  The first box I tried held a delicate collection of Christmas ornaments, all lovingly kept. Not one thing even remotely suspicious.

  I moved to the next box and found Nan’s favorite summer looks tucked away for safe keeping now that it was getting cold. Also nothing that helped with our search into the hidden past.

  “What have you found?” I asked Pringle when I realized he still hadn’t emerged from the giant box.

  “Huh? What?” He popped his head over the cardboard flap with a sheepish grin. One of Nan’s silk patterned scarves had been tied over his ears, and several pieces of costume jewelry lay against his furry chest. “Oh, nothing about the case. Just a small part of my P.I. fee.”

  Octo-Cat sighed heavily but remained blessedly quiet.

  “No, no more stealing,” I hissed, feeling a bit like an animal myself. The more human they became, the less like a person I felt myself. “Put it all back.”

  “You’re no fun. You know that?” The dejected raccoon at least followed orders without arguing my instructions any further. He made sad, disparaging noises as he removed each piece of glittering finery.

  “Okay, well. That didn’t exactly help anything,” I said once I was sure every last item had been returned to the boxes from which they came.

  We each exited through the floor hatch and stood together in the guest room discussing next steps.

  “What about Nan’s room?” Octo-Cat suggested. “Should we search there?”

  Pringle clapped and did a happy little jump. “Oh, yes, yes, yes. Let’s do that!”

  Normally, I’d hate to invade my nan’s privacy, but desperate times and all that… and I was very, very desperate to finally learn the truth that had eluded me since long before I’d even been born. “Let’s give it a try,” I acquiesced.

  We marched in a single-file line down the hall toward Nan’s bedroom, but when I reached the door, it was still locked up tight.

  “Want me to break in?” Pringle offered, making grippy-grabby gestures with his hands. I wondered, not for the first time, whether I’d be able to find a vet to prescribe my raccoon neighbor a daily dose of Ritalin for his obvious ADHD. Mmm, probably not.

  “I shouldn’t have any problem jimmying the lock on the window,” he continued, bouncing on all four legs now.

  “No,” I said, feeling both guilty and disappointed in equal measures. “Nan will be back eventually. Let me try to talk to her first. Maybe she’s had enough time to cool down. Maybe tonight she’ll be ready to talk.”

  “Hey, now wait just a minute here!” Pringle cried in distress. “Even if that happens, you still owe me my payment. Remember, I’m a legitimate business animal now, and we made an unbreakable deal when you hired me earlier today.”

  “That’s it. I’ve had enough,” Octo-Cat said, heading upstairs toward our tower bedroom, and I had to agree with him there. So much time in the raccoon’s company had me feeling like I’d just run three marathons back-to-back… but with my patience instead of my muscles.

  “I’ll come get you when we’re ready for the next steps,” I told him as I guided him back outside. As soon as he exited the house, I shut the door tight and took a deep breath.

  Oh, Nan. Please put me out of my misery. All you need to do is talk to me, and we can put an end to all of this.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Despite many fervent prayers sent Heavenward, Nan didn’t talk to me that night. In fact, she didn’t even come back home. How do I know? Because I set up camp in the living room and waited all night, that’s how.

  Of course, now I only had more questions than before.

  Was she out doing damage control or simply hiding from me to avoid a confrontation? And where had she even gone?

  Desperate for answers, I called my mom the next morning.

  “Angie, good morning! It’s so good to hear from you!” my mom chirped in such a delighted tone that I instantly knew Nan
hadn’t turned up at her place.

  I had a choice to make then. I could tell her everything and invite her to help, or I could stay silent.

  Even though our relationship had become closer ever since I let her in on my secret ability to communicate with animals, I worried about what this new revelation would do to our relationship. Either she’d known all this time and had also chosen to keep the truth of our lineage hidden from me, or she had no idea and would be shattered by the news.

  Frankly, I didn’t like either option.

  “Hi, Mom,” I said, my mind made up. “Just calling to say hi on my way to the electronics store. Need anything while I’m out?”

  “Oh, that’s so nice of you to offer, but your father and I are fine.” She sounded so happy. I really need to call her more, to invite her over here or swing by her place.

  I smiled, hoping she’d be able to hear it in my voice. “Okay, just wanted to be sure. Love you, Mom.”

  “I love you, too, baby.”

  We hung up and I squeezed the phone in my hand, drawing strength from its warmth. I needed to learn whatever truth Nan was hiding. I owed it to not just myself, but my mom, too.

  “What happens next?” Octo-Cat wanted to know then.

  “Stay here and keep an eye out for Nan,” I told him, even more determined than before to get to the bottom of this—and fast. “I need to pick up some equipment.”

  “Does this mean…?” His eyes grew large as his words trailed away.

  “We’re breaking into that room,” I confirmed. “At least you and Pringle are.”

  “Well, you know what they say. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” He crossed his paws daintily, then nodded toward the remote. “Turn the tube on for me, will you?”

  I grabbed the remote as requested, but didn’t turn on the TV just yet.

  “Let’s get on with it, please, Angela,” my cat groaned.

  “One thing first.” I took a deep breath to steady myself, knowing he wouldn’t like what I said next. “I need you to understand that I will not be buying Apple products for our mission today.”

  He jumped up onto all four feet, his fur puffed in distress. “What? Why?”

  Yes, my cat was a major brand loyalist—Apple, Evian, Fancy Feast, Lenox—the guy had standards and stuck to them.

  “Sometimes they don’t have what we need,” I explained gently. “But don’t worry. Pringle’s the one who will be using the new stuff. You don’t have to.”

  He sighed and settled back into a comfortable position. “Then it’s all for the best. That raccoon doesn’t deserve i-Anything.”

  This made me laugh. Crisis averted. “Right!”

  “Now would you, please, turn on the television?” he asked with an irritated flick of his tail.

  “Sure, yeah.” I clicked the TV on to the movie channel and their current broadcast of When Harry Met Sally, then blew him a quick kiss before heading toward the door. “I’ll be back.”

  “Hasta la vista, baby.” He dropped his voice so it became deep, but nowhere deep enough to deliver that famous quote properly. Luckily, I was able to keep my giggles inside until I’d slammed the car door behind me and began the trek to the big box electronics store.

  Last time I’d stopped by had been to buy a GPS pet tracker for our squirrel friend Maple. I’d come one time before as well; it had been to buy an Apple Watch for Octo-Cat, although for the life of me I couldn’t remember why I needed one or what ever happened to it. I knew Maple’s GPS had ended up buried somewhere in the forest like one of the manic squirrel’s nuts or half-eaten jars of peanut butter. And, yes, I was her supplier against my better judgement.

  “Hey, I know you!” A pimply faced employee with curly hair and a brightly colored polo shirt approached while laughing. He was the same one who’d helped me the first time I came in looking to equip the animals with their own spy tech.

  “How did your cat like his Apple Watch?” He made air quotes around Apple since we’d actually bought an off-brand product and stuck the preferred logo over top. Shoot. Sometimes I was way too free with information about my crazy life.

  “It was great. Thanks.” I’d been lucky enough not to run into him on my second visit, which meant I’d gotten in and out of there in mere minutes. It seemed today I wouldn’t be quite so lucky.

  “Are you here for a new MacBook Pro or an iPad Air? Maybe a matching Apple Watch for your dog?”

  “No, she doesn’t need a watch,” I muttered, and the store clerk laughed even harder. I wasn’t a violent person by nature, but I also kind of wanted to punch him in the face. Did he really think it was a good idea to tease and bully his customers? Perhaps corporate would like to hear about my experience today. Hmm.

  He sobered at last, placing both hands in his pockets and turning to me with an open expression. Maybe now that he’d gotten his laughs in, he’d actually help here. “Okay. What can I get for you?”

  I offered a pert smile. “I need a GoPro camera, please, and a harness to go with it.”

  Again, raucous laughter. “Oh, so your cat likes Apple, but your dog likes GoPro?” He could barely get the words out because he was wheezing so hard.

  “Actually, it’s for my raccoon, but yeah.” I smiled wide just to unnerve him. He already thought I was crazy, so I might as well lean into it.

  Sure enough, the next thing out of his mouth was, “You’re weird, you know that?”

  “And you’re not very helpful, so I guess I’ll just help myself. Thank you!” I called over my shoulder, already walking away.

  “Hang on. GoPros are this way.” He darted past me and hooked a right. “You need a key to get into the case, which means you do need my help.”

  “Fine, but I’m in a hurry.”

  “Urgent animal business?” he guessed, holding back another laugh.

  “Something like that,” I answered. Fine, whatever. He could make fun of me all he wanted. As long as I got the camera and harness, I’d go about my day just fine.

  “Good luck!” he called after me once he’d handed over the equipment I requested. Yeah, like I needed his well wishes—or like he even meant them in the first place. Next time I’d be finding a different electronics store, even if I had to drive twice as far to get to it.

  I gave the bully clerk a thumbs up as I approached the cash register, refusing to look back or say another word. I had far bigger problems to worry about today.

  Nan was missing.

  My mom probably had different parents than she’d been led to believe.

  I owed a raccoon of questionable ethics an unspoken favor.

  Oh, and also, I was about to spy on my own grandmother in a desperate attempt to learn the truth behind it all…

  Chapter Fourteen

  Apparently, my trip to the electronics store had gone by much more quickly than it felt. When I arrived home, Octo-Cat sat watching the final scene of his movie and sniffling mightily.

  “Aww, does somebody love love?” I teased. He never reacted this way to Law & Order.

  “Of course, not!” he cried, wiping at his eyes to hide the telltale signs of tears. “I’m laughing. Yeah. Still laughing. I’ll have what she’s having. Classic!”

  “Uh-huh,” I said, keeping my smile on the inside. Although I knew for a fact he had no idea what that famous scene actually referenced, I decided to let him off the hook this time. The last thing I needed was to have the birds and bees talk with my neutered cat. Nope, no thank you!

  Instead, I focused on unpackaging and setting up the new GoPro while Harry danced with Sally at the New Year’s Eve party and told her all the things he loved best about her. So super sweet. Okay, maybe now I was tearing up a little, too.

  When the end credits finally rolled, I switched off the television and opened the front door. “C’mon, Pringle. It’s time!”

  The raccoon came trotting right in, ready to go, as if he’d been standing outside the door waiting this entire time. Perhaps, he had.

 
Spotting the new tech in my hands, he gasped and lifted both hands to his mouth, then dropped them and shouted, “Oooh, shiny!”

  He then wrapped both hands around my calf and shimmied right up my body and onto my shoulder. He’d never done that before, and I didn’t want him to be doing it now. Even though we were working together, I still didn’t exactly trust him.

  Luckily, I overcame my shock just in time to stop him from stealing the camera out of my hands and making a fast getaway with the clearly coveted device.

  “Stop that,” I groused and shook my arms. “Get off of me.”

  “I want that,” Pringle informed me, refusing to be shaken off.

  “Relax, will you? I bought it for you to use in today’s mission.”

  “Give! Give! Give!” He climbed back to the floor, then jumped up and down, becoming increasingly annoying by the second.

  “You need to give it a rest,” Octo-Cat intervened. “Let Angela do her little speech first, then she’ll give it to you.”

  “Oh, so now I’m predictable?” I asked with a chuckle. I’m not exactly sure why I laughed in that moment, but it probably had to do with how relieved I was to have the giant raccoon back on the floor and off my body.

  “It’s not just you, honey,” Pringle said. “It’s all humans. Such simple creatures.” He made a rolling gesture with his hands and sighed. “Anyway, just get on with it.”

  Oh, this was rich. Mr. Must Maintain His Schedule to the Very Second and Mr. Steal Everything in Sight found me to be the predictable one.

  Also, was Pringle really mocking me when I’d hired him and also agreed to pay an unnamed favor? That wasn’t very good customer service. He was lucky his business wasn’t on Yelp, or he’d be getting a very bad review.

  “Haven’t you ever heard that the customer’s always right?” I asked with a snort.

  “Nope. Who would say that?” Pringle chittered with unabashed glee. “The customer’s often stupid, which is why they need to hire help to begin with.”

  Yikes. Yet another astute comment on humanity from the Peeping Tom raccoon. Thank goodness he couldn’t communicate with any humans other than me.