“Hallie, your mother’s accident is not your fault. You didn’t make her do anything that night. She chose to do something nice for you, because she loved you. No one could predict what would happen next. This could have happened on any day or night of the week, but because she was at the store for you, you somehow believe you are responsible? No, you can’t do that, and I know your mom would never want you to feel this way.”
“I can’t help it. She would have come home if not for me,” I said again and just cried until I fell asleep.
When I woke up again, it was morning, and this time, Ben was with me. He was still holding me in the same position from when I fell asleep. My eyes burned with redness from all the crying I did. I shifted in his arms, and his eyes popped open and asked me if I was alright.
“I feel so embarrassed, Ben.”
“Hey, you don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. Hallie, we don’t have any control over our grief, and grief knows no time. It’s okay to mourn for your mom, but what’s not okay is to blame yourself for her accident. Hearing those words come from you last night shattered me, and I didn’t know how to help you.”
“You helped me in the shower,” I said, barely containing the giggles that erupted from my mouth.
“Oh yeah? If you’re good, I may be inclined to do that again.” All the tension that was reverberating throughout the room suddenly lifted and I felt lighter. “Seriously, Hallie, I don’t ever want you to feel the way you felt last night. I think when we get home, you should call Leah, or at least your therapist. I will always listen and be here for you, but this is different, and I think you need some help with the nightmares you are having. I was scared of seeing you so sick.”
“I know, and I’m so sorry.”
“Hallie, stop apologizing. Just promise me that you will do this for yourself.”
“I promise. I will call and make an appointment before the break is over. Ben, have I ruined our weekend?”
“You can’t be serious right now? Hallie, don’t you know how much you make me happy? Making love to you was the best experience of my life. And you want to know how I can say that? It’s because I am so in love with you that my freaking teeth hurt. You are all I think about from the moment my day begins to the moment it ends with you in my arms. There is nothing you can say or do that will make me not want you. You’re the one, Hallie, and this is just the beginning of the adventures we are going to have.”
The rest of our time spent here in Ben’s cabin was perfect. We stayed in bed and talked for hours before getting up to shower and then going downstairs to eat lunch since we missed breakfast.
I promised Ben I would seek help for my nightmares by calling my therapist, but as for telling Leah, I wasn’t sure if I ever would. We briefly touched on this after mom died, and she reacted the same way Ben did.
My sister was blissfully in love with Harry, planning to graduate from college, and getting married to the love of her life. I wasn’t going to do anything to dampen her spirits, not when she was so happy.
True to my word, I met with my therapist after the holidays. I didn’t want to ruin my first Christmas and New Year’s with Ben, talking about sad things that hurt my heart. His father had gone to London, leaving Ben here on his own.
I overheard a conversation I probably wasn’t supposed to, but he was on speakerphone with his father when I walked into his apartment. Ben had given me a key and told me that I could come and go as I please.
I dropped my key in the glass bowl he kept on the table by the front door and then walked further into the room. I called out to Ben, but he didn’t hear me. He was in his bedroom arguing with his father.
“Absolutely not! I am not going to London and leaving Hallie, just so I can be the buffer between you and mother. I am done playing that role, and for once, I would like to enjoy my school break without all the drama that is sure to happen every time you two are in the same room together.”
“Benjamin, your presence is required, and you will be there.”
“No, I will not. I have kept up my end of the bargain, and now it is your turn to honor yours. I got straight A’s, made the Dean’s list, and attended three business functions with you and never complained.”
“Did you not enjoy your weekend away? Don’t forget, I made that happen by allowing you use of my cabin and staff at your disposal.”
“It’s my cabin, or have you forgotten that you gave it to me? I never wanted anything to do with it until Hallie came into my life. She’s my girlfriend, father, and I love her. Giving her one weekend made her so happy, and the thought of leaving her on our first Christmas holiday would break her heart, and I will not do that to her, no matter what punishment you make me suffer with.”
My heart got caught in my throat listening to his conversation. It was awful, and I felt I was betraying Ben by continuing to listen to a private conversation with his father.
As if he could feel my presence, the bedroom door flung open, and he rushed over to me to take me in his arms, crushing his mouth to mine. He wasn’t angry, at least not with me. His father was shouting into the receiver, and Ben pulled away to finish and end his call.
“Benjamin, do not ignore me!” he screamed.
“No, that’s what you do, father, not me. I am staying here. Please give my best to mother, and I will speak with you when you return.” He hit the button to turn off the speakerphone, effectively ending the call with his father.
“Oh my god, Ben, he is going to be so mad at you for hanging up on him.”
“It’s nothing I haven’t done before. Listen, I don’t want you to worry about him. He’s an asshole and will always be.”
“Aren’t you afraid of your father cutting you off and making good on his threats?”
“No, I’m not. He would never do that and risk me calling him out on his bullshit. Appearances are everything in my father’s world. I don’t want you to worry about him. How was your session?”
“It was fine. The weekly appointments are helping me see that you were right about me blaming myself over the accident. And I haven’t had any new nightmares since the night back at the cabin.”
“That’s great, Hallie, and whatever you decide, I am here for you.”
“Ben, that’s one thing I never doubt. And please lean on me if things get too hard with your father. It’s so strange that I only met him that one time, and it was by accident.”
“Believe me, you don’t want to spend time with him, and I will do everything in my power for your paths to never cross. He’s an asshole, and I don’t want him to ever be in close proximity to you.”
“Ben, he’s your father, and you’re lucky to have him. I know you portray him as this controlling monster, but I have to believe it comes from a good place that loves you.”
“Okay, let’s move on, because he is the last person I want to talk about. Now, let me feed you.”
The next couple of months were spent with Ben every chance I had and then split with friends from school and Leah. I looked at the calendar and knew the anniversary of my mom's death was approaching. I hated the month of March for this reason and would be happy just skipping right over it. The first anniversary we spent celebrating her life instead of being sad. We played her favorite songs on the CD player, and Leah cooked and together we baked a dessert.
And now two years have gone by, and it still hurts as if it was yesterday. This time, I’m so much better because I have Ben in my life helping me through it, of course with the help of Dr. Leslie Brewer.
I was pulling out of my parking spot when my phone buzzed with an incoming text from Leah, asking to call her when I had the chance. I responded that I was headed into my next class and was too busy to talk.
She called bullshit on that one, because my perfect sister knows all, including my schedule, and told me to stop lying and meet her at the house. I didn’t reply back and left for my therapy appointment. I made it just in time to see Dr. Brewer step into her waiting room to ca
ll my name. She smiled when she saw me and moved aside so I could walk into her private session room.
“So, let’s talk about how you feel about the anniversary. Are the nightmares back?”
“No, and I haven’t had one since early December. Coming here helps, and my boyfriend is amazing.”
“I am happy to hear that, Hallie, and Ben seems great. How is he?”
“He’s doing well. He’s busy with school, like any other college student.”
“How are things with his father? Any more arguments?”
“If there are, he doesn’t share it with me. His relationship with his father is tumultuous, but Ben keeps me far away from it.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“I don’t really have an opinion about it one way or another. Ben has made his feelings clear, and I respect them. Our families are not the same. When I speak about my parents, it comes from love and happy memories. When he does, it’s arguments, threats, and punishments. I tried talking to Ben about it, but he just shuts down and changes the subject. I don’t want to upset him, and I drop it.”
“Okay, you seem firm on your decision, so let’s get back to you. You didn’t know Ben at the time of your mother’s accident or the first anniversary of her death. How does having Ben in your life change how you feel about the second anniversary?”
“He helps just by being there for me. His love is unconditional, and he has a secret portal to my thoughts, always knowing how to help me when I need him to. It will be hard, but it won’t be as devastating as the year before, because I now have him to help me get through it and hold me when I cry. He will make me smile by telling a joke and make me feel completely cherished when he makes love to me.”
This part was new, and my therapist reacted in a way I thought she would. She began writing on her tablet and then looked up to me to continue. The only thing is, I didn’t have anything else to say at the moment.
“Hallie, anything else to share?”
“No, I think I shared enough for one day. I have to meet Leah. She wants to talk to me.”
“Will you tell her about your return to therapy?”
“If the subject comes up, I won’t lie to my sister. I just don’t want to bother Leah with any of my problems. We are in a good place, and I want it to stay that way.”
I got up to walk out, and Dr. Brewer stopped me by saying, “Hallie, nothing you tell your sister will ever be a bother. Please trust and believe how much she loves you.”
“I’ll try, and thanks for everything.”
“You say that as if this was your last appointment. Is it?”
“For now, it is. I know I can come back if I need to.”
“Very well. Please don’t hesitate to call me.”
“Thank you,” I said, and this time she didn’t stop me.
I meant what I said about feeling good. I’ve seen Dr. Brewer every week since after the holidays, and with Ben’s love and support, I am so much better. I texted Leah, telling her that I had to make one quick stop before coming over. She answered right away, telling me to prepare to stay for dinner and a long talk. I sent her back a winking emoji and pocketed my phone.
I parked my car and walked through the lush green grass that lined the rows of headstones. Many were marked with flowers, as my mother’s would be once I placed the bouquet of stargazer lilies I picked up before coming here to the cemetery. It’s been a while since I’ve been here, and one day I will bring Ben here.
As I approached my mother’s grave, I noticed a blonde-haired woman standing in front of the gravestone and crying. She didn’t see me yet, and when I got closer, I heard her say how deeply sorry she was. When she finally noticed she was no longer alone, she looked at me with eyes I swear I have seen before.
I asked her, “Who are you?”
And she replied, “I’m the one who killed your mother. I’m sorry,” and she ran away.
Part II
The story continues to unfold in both Hallie’s and Ben’s POV
11
Past meets present
Ben…
I was so tired after my last class for the day, I don’t even know how I made it home without falling asleep at the wheel. Professor Danvers was brutal today, but his methods are effective because he liked my essay, and my slip on my last exam will not bring down my grade in his class.
When I said goodbye to Hallie this morning, I told her that I would cook for her tonight, but as tired as I am, I have decided to just order take-out for us. She won’t mind, and knowing my girl, she will appreciate the gesture. My cooking has improved since I took a few lessons from Leah, and even better when I signed up for a four-week cooking class that was held here on campus. Hallie was too busy to go with me, so I went on my own. My mates Drucker and Oz laughed the room down when I told them with a straight face that I was taking lessons. They changed their attitude when their girlfriends found out from Hallie, and they insisted they go too.
Now, who was laughing? From a young age, I was raised to excel and be the best in everything and anything I do, so no room for failure, even in cooking. Hallie is the one that benefits from my efforts, and just seeing her smile and enjoy the meal I prepared makes it all worth it.
I made my way inside of my apartment and dropped my keys and wallet into the glass bowl by the door. It was a long week, and I was happy it was over. I no longer have classes on Friday, so tomorrow, I plan to sleep in, and I hope to convince Hallie to skip class and stay with me. She’ll probably say no, because she’s a dedicated student and is too afraid to fall behind.
I placed an order for Chinese food and then stripped out of my clothes and took a hot shower. Once I was dressed, I set the table and waited for Hallie to arrive. I looked at the clock on the microwave and wondered where she could be, and then I remembered she had her appointment today. No worries, I can wait to eat. Twenty minutes later, dinner arrived, and I placed it on the warmer while I put my headphones on and listened to some music. I was so tired and quickly fell asleep on the couch.
I don’t know if it was my subconscious brain alerting me that something was wrong, or if it was just the normal feeling I always felt when I was in his presence. My eyes opened, and I pulled my headphones from my ears to see my father drinking a tumbler of scotch, watching me from the chair across the living room. I sat up, focusing on him in disbelief at the fact that he was totally creeping me out by sitting in the dark in my apartment while I was sound asleep.
“What in the bloody hell are you doing here?” I said as I sat up even more and tossed my iPod onto the coffee table.
“You left me no choice when you refuse to accept my calls. I have a matter of urgency to discuss with you, and it has to be said right now.”
“Father, this is not a good time. I’m expecting Hallie soon. I am not about to get into another shouting match with you in her presence. Please leave, and we can meet up tomorrow.”
“I don’t think so. I will stay here in the apartment I pay for, for as long as I wish. Now, as for your girlfriend, she is exactly the matter that needs to be addressed. I’ve only met her once, so as for a shouting match you say she witnessed, tell me son, and is she invisible?”
“She overheard us on the phone before Christmas, and it upset her to know that we were fighting.”
“A mere act of miscommunication, and on your part, son, not mine. You blatantly disregarded my wishes, which is another reason as to why I am here. So send a text, tweet, or whatever you have to do to stop Hallie from showing up here tonight. For what I have to say to you is not for her ears to hear.”
I had never witnessed my father like this before, and by his cool demeanor, it seemed like he wasn’t going to leave anytime soon. I called Hallie, and it immediately went to voicemail. I hung up and sent a text with a one-word explanation.
ME: Oliver.
I told her after the Christmas fight that if she ever received a text like this one from me, she would know he’s here and it wasn’t a go
od time to come over. Up until now, I never had to do this, since he’s been MIA for months. He was glaring at me the entire time I had my phone in my hand. I sighed, hoping she would understand the meaning behind it and wait for me to call her.
“Okay, I’ve done what you asked. What is this about?”
“Have a seat, Ben, for what I have to say is not going to be easy and even harder for you to do, but it has to be done swiftly.”
“What are you bloody talking about? Stop talking in circles, and just say it!”
“Very well. You have to end your relationship with Hallie, and then you are returning home with me to London.”
12
Mystery woman
Hallie…
“I’m the one who killed your mother…”
I dropped the bouquet of flowers and was frozen where I stood. It had begun to rain as my eyes focused on the retreating form who just destroyed everything good in my life. Did she kill my mother? No, this is not real. This woman was beautiful, well-dressed, and soft-spoken. She wasn’t some degenerate alcoholic I envisioned in my mind as the person who drove drunk and killed my beloved mother.
My eyes blurred from the rain and the tears that already formed in my eyes. It was too late to chase after her, not that I could go after a car on foot. Who was this woman? Was she delusional? But that can’t be if she was clear enough to utter those words to me. My first instinct was to call Ben, and I pulled out my phone only to see his one-word text. He used the word “Oliver,” and a pain formed in my stomach because I knew this couldn’t be good if Oliver Chapel was in town.
I replied with an “I love you” and a “Good luck” in hopes he would see it. Oh, that man and his unannounced visits. My head was spinning, and now I was soaked through my coat and clothes. I had to get out of the rain before I risked getting sick. I placed the flowers on my mother’s grave, and then for the first time since I arrived, I noticed there was another bouquet as well, but it was pink carnations. She left flowers for my mother? There had to be a couple dozen of them beautifully wrapped in matching tissue paper. I picked it up, looking for a note or anything that would give me a clue to who the woman was, but I found nothing.
Before We Knew Page 9