“Come with me,” he said and pulled me along to the freezer. He opened the door, and I covered my mouth so I wouldn’t squeal like a little girl. Inside were many tubs of Baskin Robbins mint chocolate chip. He turned to face me with the biggest smile on his gorgeous face, “You were saying?” and I couldn’t hold myself back one more second before lunging into his arms.
He carried me so effortlessly, which was one of my favorite things about Ben. He was strong and gentle whenever he put his hands on me. I wanted him so much, and tonight was the night that I would completely give myself over to him.
“What have you decided on?” he asked as he ran his fingers up and down my arm.
“You.”
“You already have me. What do you want for dinner?”
“Did I stutter? I said that I want you, right now, upstairs in your bedroom.”
He inhaled, looking a little stunned by my declaration. “Are you sure? Because there’s no rush here, and I am not going anywhere. This weekend can be anything we want it to be. I love you, Hallie.”
“I love you too, and I want you to make love to me and be my first.”
Ben’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, making all the excitement bubble up inside of me. We were now moving up the stairs to his room. Once inside, Ben kicked the door closed and carried me over to a huge bed that was centered in the middle of the room, surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windows. You could see the snow-covered mountains, and it looked amazing as the sun set over them.
“I love you, and if there is anything that makes you uncomfortable, all you have to do is say stop, and I will. Do you understand?”
“I’m okay, Ben. I promise.”
Ben looked satisfied with my answer and backed away off the bed to stand. He removed his shirt, showing me his amazing upper body lined with muscles in all the right places. He undid his belt, and next to go was his jeans. Standing in front of me like a Greek god, he slowly lowered his briefs until he was able to kick them off. He was gloriously naked, and the sensation I felt in-between my legs was so intense I wanted to scream and he hasn’t even touched me yet. It was the way he looked at me, his eyes filled with layers of love and lust. When he came back over to the bed, his eyes connected with mine, and I knew what they were asking.
He said, “Show me,” and I leaned up on my knees and reached for the hem of my top, pulling it up and over my head. I was prepared this time for his reaction, and my assumption was dead-on when Ben took in the red lace bra I had chosen for tonight. I know some girls go with the pale pink or white; no, I wanted to feel sexy for Ben, and for myself. He never stops telling me how beautiful I am and how perfect my breasts are. He makes me feel confident and unashamed.
“You are gorgeous,” he whispered with a little roughness to his tone. “Now the bottoms,” he commanded, and I was ablaze with heat.
My pants were easy to remove since I chose the simplest pair of yoga pants I had in my closet. Once they were off, I was only in my bra and matching thong.
I’ve seen this look before in Ben’s eyes. He was doing everything he could to maintain his control, but I wasn’t making it easy on him, not this time. My bra opened from the front, and with one flick, I was completely exposed to him, my breasts full and my nipples pink and puckered.
Ben was on me before I could do anything else. My thong was the collateral damage, and it was haphazardly torn and tossed over his shoulder. “God! I want you. One last time, Hallie, are you ready for me to be inside of you?”
“Yes, make me yours.”
“You’re already mine. Don’t you know that? From the first moment I saw you, I knew that I wanted you in my life forever. You being here with me and giving me this gift means more than I can ever explain.”
His mouth captured mine and parted my lips, allowing his tongue to enter my warm mouth. His heart was pounding in rapid beats, as his chest was pressed against mine. He took his time kissing me, and then he gave equal attention to my breasts before making his way down to my lower region.
My breasts ached and so did my core. I could feel the wetness pool in-between my thighs and causing my muscles to clench. I was screaming in my head for Ben to go down on me and kiss me in a way that makes me see stars. I was squirming all over the bed until his hands covered mine and held me in place.
“You’re making me crazy, baby, but you need to relax. Can you do that for me?”
My voice was husky, and I could barely utter my answer, “Yes, I can be still.”
And then he leaned down to take my mouth again in a mind-numbing kiss. He leaned over to open the nightstand drawer and retrieved a condom packet. He knew I was on the pill, because I had told him right after I had my appointment. I assured him this was more for me than for him. It just made sense to take this precaution whether I was sexually active or not. Leah was right, and now I’m happy I followed her advice. I knew Ben wasn’t a virgin and had been with women back in London. He didn’t give me an exact number, but it wasn’t low and I couldn’t obsess over it. If I had, it would have made me crazy, and tonight was about Ben and what I was about to share with him.
“We’re going to use a condom for our first time. Your body is ready, but it’s going to take a lot of control on my part to hold back and not hurt you. The condom will help me ease inside of you.”
“I’m okay, Ben. If you don’t want to use it, it is fine.”
“No, let me do this tonight, and we will ease into going bare between us. You know I’ve been tested, and I’m negative. I would never put you at risk, but I appreciate you wanting me to get checked out. I always used protection, and I’ll use it tonight to put your mind at ease.”
I said nothing back and allowed Ben to take the lead. His body was on fire with desire so desperate for me, my arousal met him in a fiery connection. He sheathed his cock with the condom and repositioned his body over mine.
My hands were free to touch him and explore his body. He parted my knees with one of his own and slowly and methodically entered my virgin body. I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw at the unfamiliar intrusion. He sensed my anxiety and slowed his movement.
“Open your eyes, Hallie. I need to see them and know what you’re feeling.”
I let out a breath and then told him I was fine, just to go slow.
“Just a little more, and I will be fully inside of you. Take a deep breath and bare down for me as I push forward,” he instructed me so patiently, and then I let out a deep breath, feeling the hot burn of his muscle stretching my insides. I wasn’t a virgin anymore. My body was getting accustomed to Ben, and once the burn and the pain subsided, I felt pleasure and encouraged Ben to move and not be afraid if he was hurting me.
I welcomed him in, and it felt amazing. I could feel his sweat-slicked body press into mine as Ben fucked me harder and faster. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and it was all Ben needed from me to know that I was okay and wanted more.
He was moaning out his pleasure, kissing me in-between. I could feel him begin to tighten around me, and I knew he was close to climaxing. He entwined his fingers with mine and squeezed them as he came so hard inside of me, filling the condom to the brim. I was panting and feeling all the sensations coursing through my body all at once, making my head spin. I was dizzy and never wanted to get off this ride with Ben.
“Are you okay?” he asked as he slowly pulled out of my body.
I tensed a little, but it wasn’t too bad. He removed the condom and tied it off before throwing it in the wastebasket by the bed. I didn’t miss the color that covered the condom. It was evident that I bled, but Ben was prepared for that and placed a warm washcloth on me, making me jump.
“Shh, it’s okay, Hallie. I have to look and see how badly you bruised.”
I sat up on my elbows with my legs still apart, horrified at what Ben was doing to me. I know we just made love, but to be this exposed to him after what we just experienced made me want to pull the covers over my head and hide.
“Ben,” I sai
d, and then I was so nervous I couldn’t finish my thought.
“It’s okay, Hallie, it’s just a few droplets of blood. I went slowly, and you didn’t tear. You’re going to be sore, but it’s not bad, I promise you.” he said in a calming tone that instantly relaxed me. He came back over to me and held me in his arms. “I love you so much. You were perfect, Hallie, just beautiful.”
I never felt so relaxed in my life. He took such good care of me. He made me take Advil and drink a large glass of cranberry juice. I was never a fan of it, but he assured me that it would help with the cramping. He was the experienced one, and I had no reason to doubt him and the care he was giving to me.
I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I was alone in bed, feeling too warm under the duvet Ben had covered me with. I gave my body a stretch and tested my muscles. The Advil helped, and surprisingly, I didn’t feel all that bad. I felt relaxed and well-rested. I glanced over to the clock, and to my surprise, I had only been asleep a little more than an hour or so. I pushed off the thick cover and kicked my legs over the side of the bed. I stepped out completely nude, and it felt great to feel this free with my nakedness.
I opened up my suitcase and found the satin robe I had packed. Yes, it was red but a hue deeper than the bra and thong set. I bought it from Victoria’s Secret, my first lingerie purchase. I remember wearing my best outfit and doing my hair and makeup perfectly before I hit the mall that day. I don’t know what I was thinking of, getting all dressed up to purchase lingerie, but I just couldn’t see myself in anything else. Before I put it on, I walked into the bathroom to clean up and take in my appearance. My hair was a tangled mess, and my throat and chest were red from Ben. He didn’t shave yesterday, and by today, it was a little more than the five o’clock shadow. His beard brushed against my sensitive skin, leaving his mark in every place he touched.
I then let out a breath and looked down between my legs. I had some marks down there too, but this time I smiled wickedly at the memories of Ben when he took me there.
Whoa, get ahold of yourself, Hallie, I said to myself. I calmed and then combed out my hair before putting it back up in a bun. I rubbed some vanilla lotion on my body and felt so much better. I reached for my robe, and that’s when Ben entered the bedroom wearing only low-hanging sleep pants. He was carrying a tray with two silver-covered domes on it, and I didn’t miss the single red rose displayed in the slim vase.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked as he placed the tray down and took me in his arms.
“I feel great. How are you?”
“Better than great. Are you hungry?”
“Yes, I’m starved.”
“Good. Let me feed you, and then we can take a soak in the hot tub.”
He has a hot tub? Another first I’ll share with Ben.
10
Can we be any happier?
“This is delicious and so decadent to be eating in bed,” I said as I shoveled in another huge bite of the gooey pasta and cheese.
“Thank you, love. I will make sure to pass along your thanks to Leah.”
I halted my fork in mid-air, looking at Ben.
“Leah? As in my sister?”
“Exactly. The last time we had dinner over there, I asked your sister all about your favorite meal, and she said it was macaroni and cheese, a southern recipe your mom always used to make for you on your birthday. I’m not the greatest cook, but since our weekend was already in the planning stages, I asked if she could make me a tray as a surprise for you.”
“And she didn’t question when this meal would take place?”
“No, she didn’t. I told her that I planned on freezing it for another time, and then I had an idea. I asked my housekeeper to pick it up from my apartment and bring it up here, along with all the other supplies we would need this weekend. So, good surprise?”
“You are the best, Ben. Yes, thank you so much. I knew it tasted familiar, but I couldn’t really place it. Leah is a fantastic cook like my mom was. I do okay when reading from a box, but those two were all about making things from scratch.” Once the words crossed over my lips, I felt a twinge of pain in my stomach and stopped eating.
All the memories of that night with my mom flooded back, and I just wanted to shove them away, but I couldn’t. I began to cry and feel sick. Ben finally took notice of the change in my appearance and asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t answer and had to rush to the bathroom before I puked up my food all over the bed.
I barely made it to the toilet before my stomach emptied, and I fell to my knees, dry heaving. Ben was right by my side, holding my shoulders as I continued to be sick. I didn’t even care about my robe and wiped my mouth with my sleeve, probably ruining the material.
“Oh my god, Hallie. What’s wrong?” he nervously asked.
I shook my head, not able to answer him yet. I was mortified by my actions, and when I looked at Ben, all I saw was pain lining his face as if he was responsible for this. No, it’s not you, Ben; it’s my fucking memories destroying any happiness I feel.
He took another washcloth, and this time it was cool to the touch. He placed it on my forehead and on the back of my neck. “Can you stand?” he asked, and I shook my head no.
My entire body was trembling, coming down from the sudden adrenaline rush I felt. He bent down and scooped me up in his arms and carried me back to the bed. He moved the tray aside and fluffed the pillows around me before placing me down and covering me with the duvet.
“What happened, baby?” he asked. I shook my head and then wiped away my tears, feeling so embarrassed.
Ben is my boyfriend. What am I doing shutting him out? We just spent an incredible night together, and now my crazy behavior is freaking him out. He was patient and gentle with me as he waited for me to answer his question.
I pulled myself up in a sitting position and leaned against the headboard. I felt a little dizzy and was in need of a shower, smelling of puke. Ugh! How can he sit here with me when I smell?
“Ben, I have to brush my teeth and take a shower. Will you give me some time to do that?”
“Go and brush your teeth, and we will shower together. I’m not leaving you alone.”
“Okay, give me a minute,” I said and then got out of bed and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Ben had incredible restraint and demonstrated it often when we took showers together back at his apartment. Once I was finished, I stripped out of my robe and tossed it into the wastebasket, not wanting it any longer. I turned on the shower and waited for the water to warm. It was really hot but not too bad for me to handle. I stepped under the sprays of water and let the water soothe my muscles, cramped from all the vomiting.
My back was to him as I heard the glass shower doors open. Ben stepped up behind me, wrapping his arms around my body. He said nothing, just took care of me in the only way he knew how: by loving me.
He took the scented body wash and poured some on a new washcloth. He began at my neck and then glided it over my shoulders and down my back. I felt exhilarating shivers as he continued to use the soft cloth on my body. He caressed my ass, and then one by one, he washed my legs as he was now on his knees. He instructed me to turn around as he rose on his strong legs and began the same treatment on my front. I let out a raspy moan as Ben continued to wash me, and once again, he was down on his knees and positioned in front of my pussy, which was soaked with need.
He leaned in closer and petted my sex. I cried out my pleasure as I gripped the shelf as Ben parted my legs and entered me with his tongue. He lifted my leg over his shoulder and took me again and again. It was like ten billion volts in one lightning strike ravaging my body. I came hard and more than once before he was done.
My body slumped against the granite wall. Ben turned off the water and carried me out. I was leaning against the sink as Ben dried me with a fluffy spa-like towel that was warm to my skin. He dried my hair and then attempted to help me with it, but it was too thick, and I took over combing out my long hair.
I tied it back in a ponytail and then was suddenly cold after I was dry. Ben handed me one of his soft cotton t-shirts that came down to my knees. He looked in my suitcase and handed me a pair of my warm fuzzy socks. They were almost like leg warmers, but I loved to wear them when it was cold.
I felt so much better and was ready to talk with Ben. We both got back into bed, but he didn’t hold me right away, waiting for me to make a move toward him. I wanted Ben to hold me, of course I did. He wasn’t the problem and didn’t do anything wrong. It was me and my nightmares that fucked up our night. A few months ago, when I first shared with Ben about my mom and her accident, it felt like a relief to talk to someone other than Leah. It was therapeutic in a way, and I knew Ben loved me and would do anything to make me feel better like the way he is doing right now.
“I’m so sorry, Ben. I ruined everything. You must think I’m crazy,” I said, burying my head in his chest.
He wasted no time telling me how wrong I was. He held my face in his hands and made me see him. He made me see that nothing has changed, and all I saw was love in his eyes.
“Please talk to me,” he implored.
“I had a nightmare, only this time I was awake and here with you. I guess the dinner, as amazing as it was, served as a trigger for my sad memories. Once I mentioned baking, I was back there in my kitchen, surrounded by dozens of cookies that my mom had baked that morning for a stupid PTA function. She’s dead because of me. She was late getting home from her meetings that night, because she wanted to do something nice for me. If it wasn’t for me, Ben, she would have been home with us and never would have gotten in that car accident.”
“Oh, Hallie, stop this right now. You don’t honestly believe that, do you? How could you ever believe you are responsible for a car accident?”
“I believe it, because it is true!” I said and tried to shove at his chest, but Ben didn’t move. He just held me tighter and kept me close to him.
Before We Knew Page 8