“I’m going to get to the bottom of this, and I don’t want you to worry about it. I’m going to call Harry, and then Mr. Doyle. Maybe with the both of them, they can help us figure this out.”
“Leah, please don’t. She was probably confused, and aren’t you the one that keeps telling me to move forward?”
“Yes, but this is different. For my own peace of mind, I need to know who this woman is and why she confronted you in the way she did.”
“I’m over it, and you should be too. I’m going to go for that walk. Are you coming or not?” I said.
“Yes, give me a minute,” she said and then ran upstairs to her bedroom, no doubt already dialing Harry.
I shouldn’t have said anything, and now I’m kicking myself for not taking my own advice. I called Ben while I waited for Leah to come back downstairs, and this time he answered.
“Hey, baby, how are you?” he crooned into the phone, which made me miss him more.
“Hi, Ben, I miss you. I was getting worried when I didn’t hear from you. Were you asleep?”
“Actually, I was just waking up when I heard my phone vibrate. It was a long night, and I didn’t get back to my apartment until really late.”
“Oh? Where did you go?” Shit! Now I sound jealous.
“I drove down to Charlotte to see my father, and I stayed way longer than I should have. The drive was rough coming back, and then I just drank a few beers and passed out.”
“You drank?” I asked, feeling a pain in the pit of my stomach.
“Yeah, I did, and I’m really sorry. It was a mistake, and I won’t do it again.”
“Ben, I’m not going to tell you what you can and cannot do. You’re an adult, and I know you won’t do anything that you can’t handle. It’s just that a drunk driver killed my mother, and I can’t even look at alcohol without thinking about that.”
The line was quiet, and for a minute I thought I lost Ben, but then he said he had to go and would talk to me soon.
“I love you,” I tried to say, but the call already ended. I looked down to my phone and felt that twinge of pain again. “What is going on with you, Ben? And why did you hang up?” I said aloud, and then Leah came down.
“Talking to yourself again?” she laughed.
“No, stupid, I was talking to Ben. Let’s take that walk, because I have some things I need to take care of today.”
We walked four miles and then stopped for a smoothie before going back to the house. My legs hurt, but the walk helped, and I did feel better. Once we turned on our block, I saw the familiar Mercedes parked out in front.
“It’s Ben,” I said to Leah as I quickened my steps to reach the house.
She was right behind me until I got closer and realized it was Harry. He stepped out of the car and embraced Leah as I looked on, wishing Ben was here. I waved to Harry, and then he walked over and gave me a hug.
“I have something you two need to see,” he said. “Can we go inside?” we both nodded and followed Harry. He took a seat on the sofa and opened his briefcase, pulling out a folder with our mother’s name on it.
“Hallie, Leah called me and told me about the woman who approached you at the cemetery.”
“I told you not to,” I said, looking over at Leah.
“And you are my sister. I love you. Please hear him out, okay?” she implored. I gestured with my hand for Harry to tell us about the file.
“Okay, this is going to be hard for you two to hear, and I will answer any questions you may have, but there’s not much in here that will satisfy your curiosity about who the woman was. I was able to find the original police report from the night of the accident and the reports that followed the investigation. But something seemed off, and then I found this,” he said handing me a second police report.
We both read it and then looked back to Harry. “Why two reports?” I asked.
“I’m not really sure, but it raises the question of why was the first one erased from the system and this one put in its place? The second one reads that the woman was legally drunk. The BAC was just one point over the legal limit. I know this doesn’t make the situation any better knowing that particular piece of information. I believe that if you are impaired in any way, you are drunk, and it doesn’t matter about numbers.”
“Is there a name on the report? We never knew, and when we asked our lawyer, he didn’t know either.”
“The records have been sealed, and I have no idea why. I’m thinking whoever this person is probably has ties to a powerful family, maybe even a foreign diplomat with immunity. This was buried for a reason, and it took a lot of money to make it happen. I’m so sorry I couldn’t find out more.”
Leah was in Harry’s arms in a flash, and I never felt more alone. I wanted Ben to hold and comfort me.
“What do we do now?” Leah asked Harry.
“There’s not much we can do. The trail ends here,” he said.
“Leah, let it go. We agreed two years ago to let it go and move on, and we are going to do the same right now. We just spent hours talking about moving on and living our lives, and that’s what I plan to do. I don’t know who the woman was, and I am not going to drive myself crazy obsessing about it.”
She walked over to me and asked me if I was sure. “Yeah, I am. I can’t do this anymore. If I don’t stop this now, I will continue to go down the dark hole I always find myself in when I remember the past. I have too much good in my life to have this bring me down.”
“Okay,” she agreed, but she seemed unsure about it.
“Thank you, Harry, for looking into it. I need to go shower and get myself together. I’m going to go back to the dorms, Leah.”
“You don’t have to go, Hallie. You can stay for the weekend.”
“No, I need to go home and find Ben.”
“You are home. Come on, stay,” she said.
“No, this is not home to me anymore, and it hasn’t been since mom died.”
“Hallie, you don’t mean that!”
“Yeah, I do, and it’s about time I’m honest about it. Leah, I had a fucking breakdown in the middle of her room. If I keep coming back here, then all the good that is in this house is going to spill into the bad, and I can’t risk that from happening. The only way my nightmares are going to end is if I fully let it go and truly move on with my life. If I stay here, I’m still in the same place I was two years ago, baking cookies in that kitchen and waiting for mom to come home.”
My sister hugged me close and didn’t let go as I cried and fought through my pain. I finally pulled away and told her that I loved her, but I needed some time on my own.
I quickly got dressed and packed up as much as I could and then loaded my car. I said goodbye to Leah and Harry and then left to find Ben. I don’t know why he suddenly cut me off on the phone, but I’m going to find out why by going to his apartment and asking him face-to-face.
“Please, Ben, don’t leave me now when I need you the most,” I said aloud as I drove back to Chapel Hill.
17
The lies we tell to protect the ones we love
Ben…
I ran my hands over my face and took in my tired appearance when I finally got out of bed and into the shower. I attempted to shave, and then I tossed the razor in the sink and wiped the shaving cream off my face. I was too tired to even shave. My father had been calling non-stop, and I ignored every single one of them.
He shattered my fucking world yesterday. The conversation played on a revolving loop in my mind as the truth was revealed to me about my mother’s role in Jo Beth’s accident. My mother killed Hallie’s mother. My father was right. How am I ever going to be able to look in my beautiful girl’s eyes again? I had no choice but to end the call with her this morning. I knew if I kept talking, I was going to break down and cry right there on the phone. She wouldn’t know why I was upset and would insist on coming over.
For once, I’m happy she’s with Leah and not me. I can’t face her today. I am going to
do everything I can to put some distance between us until I figure out how to tell her the truth. I know I will never be able to keep this from her. My eyes will betray me, and I’ll succumb to the guilt of keeping a secret. Sure, it would delight my father to no end if I remain quiet, but he knows me too well that I would never do that. I could never do that.
I tried to eat, but everything tasted like cardboard in my mouth. My stomach was unsettled, along with my mind and heart. I thought about going for a run, but again, it would just be putting off the inevitable. My phone vibrated again, and it was a text from my father.
Dad: Call me. Now.
“Fuck you!” I said as I clutched the device in my hand.
I hit his number, and he picked up on the second ring. He is the last person I wanted to talk to, but I couldn’t avoid him anymore.
“Ben, thank you,” he said in a weary voice. “Your mother has been located and is here with me.”
“Where are you?” I asked.
“I’m on my plane at RDU Airport. My plane was delivered here last night while you visited me in Charlotte. I had to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice, so I called my pilot to pick me up.”
“And what about my mother? You were just going to leave without her?” The anger was building inside of me, and I was ready to explode.
“Do you think so little of me? No, of course, not. Your mother called me early this morning and asked me to pick her up. She spent the night at a hotel in Raleigh, and now she’s with me. She’s safe and, for the time being, lucid. We’ve been talking for hours, and she’s asked to see you. Please, Ben, if not for me, please come here for your mother.”
“I don’t know if I can. What am I going to say to her? You kept this from me. Hell, you kept me in the dark my entire life, and now you want me to just act as if everything is okay? I can’t do that, father. She’s practically a stranger to me. What would I even say?”
“Ben, this is my fault, and you can hate me forever but please, not your mother. I know you think I am a cold-hearted bastard, but I do love her and have always tried to take care of her every need. What she did that night is incomprehensible, and I can’t even imagine what Hallie and her sister have been through. I made a choice, and I have to live with it, just as you have to do right now. You can come to the private hanger and see your mother now, or never see her again. I am taking her to a private clinic in Switzerland, where she will remain until the doctors regard her well enough to come home.”
“And what if that day never comes? What will you do then? Just forget that you have a wife and leave her in some psych ward for the rest of her life?”
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be. Will you come?”
I struggled with my decision until my head began to throb. No matter what she has done, she’s the woman that gave me life. I can’t just send her off to rot without at least seeing her one last time. Will she even talk to me? And again, what about Hallie?
“Ben, are you still there?” my father asked.
“I’m on my way,” I ended the call and let out a calming breath before grabbing my keys and wallet.
I hit the button on my key fob, and my car came to life. Once I was behind the wheel, I hesitated for a minute to catch my breath. I don’t know if I can do this, but I have to. I hit the steering wheel as hard as I could. “Fuck my life!” I shouted and finally put my car into gear and left my parking garage. I drove toward I-40 toward Raleigh Durham Airport and prepared myself for the hardest conversation I was about to have. And then I thought, This secret and what my father did is going to devastate Hallie, destroying everything that we’ve built together. She’s going to hate me and will never be able to look at me in the same way again.
I stepped out of my car after parking it in the hangar that housed my father’s plane. I blocked my eyes from the late day sun and just stared up at the plane that would be taking my mother away from me…again.
“May I help you, sir?” a voice from behind me asked. I turned around and recognized him as someone I have met before.
“Hi, Renard, I’m here to see my father. I believe he is waiting for me up in his plane.”
“Ah, yes. Hello, Benjamin, how are you?”
“I’m well, and you?”
“I’m great, thank you for asking. Yes, Mr. Chapel is waiting. Shall I walk you up?”
“No, I’m fine on my own. Nice see you again,” I said and then made my way up the stairs. Once I reached the top, I came face-to-face with no other than Oliver Chapel, my father.
“Thank you for coming, son. Your mother has been pacing the plane, waiting for you to arrive.”
“I find that hard to believe since I haven’t seen her in over two years, but sure, I’ll play along.”
“This is not a game, Ben. She really wants to talk to you.”
“Yeah, whatever. I’ll be the judge of that, okay?” He was blocking my way, so I said, “Do you mind?”
“Be careful, Ben, or you will be returning with us. I know you’re upset and have a right to be, but enough with your smart mouth. I will only be pushed so far.”
“Yes, I know that’s right. I’ve been intimately acquainted with just how hard you push. Now, please allow me to pass, or this has been a total waste of my time, and I’m out of here.”
“Ben, is that you?” I heard my mother call out for me.
“Well?” I asked my father.
He inhaled deeply with a scowl to his features and then stepped aside, so I could enter the main cabin.
Her stunning sapphire eyes matched my own, and they were so clear I could see my reflection in them. She was beautiful with her porcelain skin, tall and slender frame, and a sad smile that she always wore. It was as if no time has gone by, but it has, which makes this situation so much worse. She’s my mother and a stranger. I don’t know if I should hug her or shake her hand. And, other than knowing she’s mentally ill, I don’t know anything else about her.
“Ben, thank you for coming to see me. There’s much to say, and I’m not sure how much time I will have to do it in before I become quiet again,” she said and then gestured over to the couch for me to sit. She didn’t step closer or try to touch me. I did what she asked and sat down on the soft leather couch while she sat beside me.
“Ben, I don’t know what your father has told you about me, and I’m sure you have many questions. I will try to answer them to the best of my ability, but it’s also a possibility that I won’t be able to. Let’s cut the formalities and just get right to the truth. It’s long overdue, and it’s about time you know all of it. Three years ago, I attended a charity luncheon, and when I got there I couldn’t remember the name of the event or why I was asked to be the speaker of the event. It was as if someone erased all the signs, and I had to guess what direction to take. As the afternoon went on, I did remember why I was there, and no one was the wiser. Weird episodes followed, similar to what I experienced at the luncheon. I have battled depression since I was sixteen years old, but there was never a time when I forgot my own name or why I got out of bed in the morning.”
She continued, “Your father is not what you believe him to be, and these years as my caretaker have not been easy ones for him. I know he can be downright ruthless when it comes to his business and his son at times, but he loves you, Benjamin, and no matter what happens to me, I don’t ever want you to forget that.”
“Why are you telling me this? It is not going to change all the years I had to live without you or him. I didn’t need a fancy education or whatever this life affords me. I needed two parents that gave a fucking shit about me and wanted me around instead of shipping me off to another boarding school.”
“You’re right. I did that. We did that, and all I can say is that I’m sorry. I tried to be the mother you needed, but I was lost in my own head for so long that clarity only came around once in a while, and those are the moments I will cherish, no matter what this disease will take from me.”
“Disease?” I asked an
d then moved closer to my mother. She placed her delicate hands on mine and squeezed them a little to somehow comfort me.
“Yes, you heard me right. I’ve been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's, and although only a Stage 2 disease, my depression has progressed it. It’s not just one diagnosis, it’s many for which I have suffered through for many years now. The medication seems to be working for now, but it’s only temporary until it takes a little more from me and so on. The night I left your father—or let me say—ran from your father, I was in a bad place and needed air. I can’t tell you that I set out to harm myself, because somewhere deep inside of me, I don’t believe that to be true, nor is it true from years before.”
“But, father said…”
She put her hand up to me. “Yes, I know what your father has told you, but it’s just not true. I took an extra sleeping pill, and he panicked and took me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. When I awoke, I was in the psych ward with more drugs being pumped into me than just a few sleeping pills. It’s okay and way too late to rage now. He did what he thought was best, and most of the time, he was right about my mental status. He treated me like a delicate piece of glass, because I broke and shattered my pieces more times than I can ever explain to you. So, why now? Why am I telling you all of this now? Because I remembered the accident, and I remember the life I took. The memory never goes away, and although I forget how I take my coffee, but I never forget the sound of crunching metal and shattering glass. All I wanted to do was pay my respects and leave some flowers. I had no way of knowing her daughter would be there. Hallie, right?”
“Yes, that’s her name.”
“Once I realized who she was, I had to tell her how sorry I was, at least once. I know it’s not worth anything, but the words still needed to be said. I’m so sorry, Ben, and the list is long. I love you, and I always will. I don’t know if I will ever return here, and I would never ask you to come with me. You have your own life here, and it’s a good one. I truly hope you will be able to hold onto Hallie and the love you’ve found with each other, because it is rare.”
Before We Knew Page 13