“Hope you’re ready, father, because I’m coming in,” I said silently to myself and hit the button on the remote and did just that.
The door swung open, and he looked beyond me to see Lorena absent from her desk. He grumbled something under his breath and hit a button on his own remote to close the door behind me.
“Am I interrupting your...um…meeting?” I said as I looked around to an empty room.
“Have a seat, Ben, and I’m assuming since you drove all the way here that you would like to continue the conversation you walked out on last night.”
“Father, I had no choice but to leave. My girlfriend needed me.”
“And I needed you!” he shouted back in anger.
“I’m here now, and I will stay and listen to what you have to say, but know this, I will not break up with Hallie. I am in love with her, and there is nothing you can tell me that will hurt my relationship with her.”
“Oh, Ben, you are so wrong. I think you need to have a seat.” The mood in the room suddenly shifted, and he no longer looked angry but almost remorseful.
“What the fuck is going on here?” I demanded to know.
“Two years ago, your mother suffered a nervous break from reality while she was here visiting me. You were up at school, and I had a function to attend to in Raleigh. Your mother was with me, of course, and she seemed upset all throughout the dinner. I excused myself and gave my apologies for my abrupt departure and took your mother back to the hotel. I had planned on staying with her and calling her doctor back in London, but she refused me and said to leave her alone. I had her medication locked up, so I knew she couldn’t do anything to harm herself. After an hour trying to talk to her through the locked bathroom door, I did some work on my laptop, and then I took some overseas calls, which lasted for several hours. I was preoccupied with my work and didn’t hear her leave the suite. Once I did, I realized my keys were missing and so was she.”
I sat quietly while listening to my father tell me the story. He looked ill and not like himself at all. He said, “I had no way of knowing where she ran off to, and all the security cameras could tell me is that she left the parking garage. I didn’t know what to do or who to call. If this was London, I would have had better control of the situation.”
“Where did she go? Tell me what happened?” My palms began to feel sweaty, and I wiped my hands on my jeans. Something about this didn’t feel right, and I was beginning to look as green as my father.
“Hours had gone by with no word from your mother, and then the call I dreaded came through, and my heart nearly stopped. Your mother tried to kill herself but instead killed an innocent woman instead. Your mother walked away without a scratch, but her victim was not so lucky and died at the scene.”
It only took me a minute to finally understand what my father was trying to tell me, and then I was up and out of my seat in a second, rushing to his bathroom. I lifted the seat of the toilet and puked my guts up. No, this can’t be happening. Please god, it can’t be true, I silently prayed as I readied myself for another round.
I rose to my feet and walked over to the sink to rinse my mouth and splash cold water on my face. I looked up to see my father standing by the door, handing me a towel.
I said, “It can’t be true. This is just another sick and a twisted game you just love to play with me, but it’s not going to work, father. I won’t believe it.” I held onto the sink and swallowed hard, trying not to get sick again.
“Son, I may be a lot of things, but even I wouldn’t be this cruel. Son, please look at me,”
“Stop calling me that! Since when do you call me ‘son’? And don’t fucking pretend that you care!” I shouted and practically lunged at my father.
He caught me in his arms as I began pounding his strong back. My father matched me in height but outweighed me in weight and muscle. He just let me hit him until I practically fell to my knees in exhaustion. He helped me off the floor and back over to the sofa. I fell backward and held my head, which felt like it was going to explode with what I just learned.
“Here, drink this,” he said and handed me what looked like bourbon.
“I don’t drink,” I said and shoved it away.
“Make an exception and drink.” He didn’t give me another chance to say no and shoved the tumbler in my hand.
I gulped it down with one shot and felt the amber liquid burn my throat. He handed me another, and this time it was easier going down. I wiped my mouth and then held my head in my hands, shaking it back and forth before looking over to my father, who was uncharacteristically quiet.
“Ben, I have replayed that night over and over again, wishing I could have prevented the tragedy your mother created, but I can’t. Once I arrived on the scene, your mother was practically in a catatonic state of mind. She wasn’t in any shape to form a sentence, let alone give a statement to the police. They assumed she had been drinking and was just in shock. They never tested her blood alcohol level at the scene, and by the time I got her to the hospital to be checked out, her blood was clean. I had called my team of lawyers in by then, and I had a choice to make.”
“Which was?”
“To save your mother. I had the lab results doctored to read that she was one point over the legal level of drunkenness. Your mother was charged with a DUI and was quickly arraigned and released to my care. The lawyers took it from there, and the charges were argued and considerably reduced to a misdemeanor. Once I was given clearance for your mother to return home, I was on the next plane to London, where I had her committed to a private facility for intense therapy. I then had to make another choice, and that was to not tell you so your life would not be interrupted, and to give your mother time to heal.”
“You are fucking delusional and just as mad as my mother! You can’t play with people’s lives like that. Did you ever consider the life she took? And how that family has mourned her loss? Or do you just only care about you and our fucked up family? I can’t believe this is happening!”
“Well, believe it, Ben, because it did happen. The truth is that your mother killed Hallie’s mother in a failed suicide attempt, and after today, you will never be able to look in that poor girl’s eyes again with knowing that truth. I know it’s not worth anything to you, but I am sorry for the loss and pain your mother has caused them. She is a very sick woman who once again has run off, and I don’t have a clue to where she is. I have private detectives scouring the city in hopes they find her before she does something that I may not be able to get her out of this time.”
“Do you hear yourself? Because every word out of your mouth is making me literally sick to my stomach. Don’t you dare stand here and tell me that everything you did was for mother, because that would make you a bigger liar than you already are. You did this for you and only you. You have been drilling into my head since I could walk that appearances are everything in our world, and if you step out of line, there would be consequences, ones you would personally deliver. Mother killed a beautiful and loving person who was completely devoted to her family.” And then pain shot through me with the realization of what I just realized. “It’s been two years since the accident, and mother has come out of her delusion enough to remember it, hasn’t she? And that’s why she’s here in North Carolina, isn’t it? And that’s why she confronted Hallie at her mother’s grave yesterday, right? That’s why I left to be with Hallie, because some stranger accosted her in the cemetery and scared the living shit out of her.”
“And you think it was your mother? You have proof of it, son?”
“Not exactly, only what Hallie told me she said.”
“And…? What might that be? Please, Ben, I have to know. She could be anywhere by now, and she’s out there all alone and sick.”
“You know, I almost believe that you are genuinely worried about her well-being, but I know better.”
“Dammit, Ben! I’m not a monster nor the devil. You have always been protected from her mental illness. I was the
one that carried the burden of it, and believe me, son, it has taken its toll. You can stand there and rage at me all you want. I know you hate me for a number of reasons, and what I’ve done will only add to your list of grievances. But don’t hate your mother. Please, tell me what she said to Hallie.”
“She told Hallie that she was the woman responsible for killing her mother and how sorry she was, and then took off in a car. Still think she’s so ill that she can’t comprehend what she did? Because I beg to differ, judging from her current state. I need to go to Hallie and tell her everything and pray that she doesn’t leave and hate me forever.”
He begged me not to leave and warned me that telling Hallie would be a mistake, but I couldn’t hear anymore and left without another word.
16
The missing pieces
Hallie…
The smell of chocolate chip cookies invade my senses, and I’m suddenly hungry. I wake up with a jolt and sit up straight in bed to find my mom sitting on the edge.
“Mom, what are you doing here?” I asked in a shaky voice.
“It’s the day of the bake sale, and I thought I would bring you a sample before we box these up. Here, try one.” She held the plate full of cookies, and I was afraid to take one. “Honey, what’s wrong? Don’t you want one?” mom asked.
“Yeah, I want one, but I can’t.” I began to cry.
“Why ever not? They're your favorite.”
I end up crying in fit, and all I want to do is lunge forward and keep my mom with me, but this is just my tired mind playing tricks on me, and it’s more of a nightmare than a dream. “It’s my fault, mom. If you didn’t go to the store for me, then you would have made it home, and you would still be alive. I’m so sorry. Please, mommy, forgive me.”
“Hallie, don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I’m with your father now, and I’m happy. I’m never too far away. And Hallie…?”
“Yes, mom?” I asked through my tears.
“Time to wake up.”
I woke up screaming and soaked in sweat. My bedroom door flung open, and Leah was pulling me into a hug.
“Oh, baby sis, what is going on with you? I thought your sessions with Dr. Brewer were helping.”
I hiccuped through my tears and tried in vain to stop it. I was so sick of crying, and I hated myself for it. I can’t change the past, and I have to stop having it control my present. “How did you know about Dr. Brewer?”
“It’s one of the things I wanted to talk to you about when I asked you to come home. I received a summary from the insurance company, and when I saw how many visits that were listed for Dr. Brewer, I only assumed you decided to continue with your therapy. And judging by how you just woke up, I guess the nightmares are not any better?”
“I had a handle on them for a while, and being with Ben just makes it easier to control. He makes everything better, but he can’t be with me every second of the day, and sometimes they come back when I’m not expecting it. I was going to tell you about the therapy, but I needed some time to work out my feelings and get a better handle on it.”
“And have you?”
“Now, I don’t know. Thursday was my last session with Dr. Brewer, and we both decided that if I need her, I will call her. I was happy when I left the office and even picked up flowers to visit with mom, but once I got there, it all turned to shit.”
“What’s going on, Hallie? You’re scaring me,” my sister said and then lifted my chin so I could look at her.
I was beginning to doubt myself and didn’t know what was real and what was in my head. Sensing my uneasiness, Leah bounced off the bed and held her hands out for me to take.
She said, “Listen, it’s Saturday, and it’s beautiful outside. I have pancake batter all whipped up downstairs and ready to hit the griddle. Bacon is in the oven, and the coffee is on. Take a shower, and get dressed. I’ll have breakfast ready in ten minutes, and then we are going to eat and have a long talk. After that, we hit the trails to soak up some vitamin D, okay?”
“Okay,” I quietly said, and then my sister kissed my forehead and left me on my own.
How am I going to tell Leah about the mystery woman at the cemetery? I know I said I wouldn’t, but how can I keep it from her when all she is trying to do is help me?
I quickly checked my phone and saw nothing from Ben. I sent him a text telling him I loved him and would be spending the day with Leah. I miss him so much and wish I was waking up to him instead of another nightmare. I tossed my phone and got ready for the day.
“Mmm, these are good. How do you get them so fluffy?” I asked as I devoured another pancake.
“My secret,” she said as she finished off her coffee and started picking up the dirty dishes. “Come help me load this dishwasher, and then we can talk. How about we go outside and sit on the deck?”
“Sounds great. Let me just call Ben real quick, and then I’ll meet you outside.”
“What about the dishes?” she asked with her hands on her hips. Oh please, she’s so cute when she’s trying to be bossy.
“You look like you have it under control. Good job.” I grabbed my phone as she threw the dish towel at me, and I heard her call me a brat.
I left a voicemail for Ben since he didn’t respond to my text. I had enough on my mind, and I wasn’t going to stress over where my boyfriend was and why he wasn’t calling me back.
Get a hold of yourself, Hallie. He’s probably still sleeping, I said silently as I glanced down at my phone, and it was just a little after nine.
“Talk to me, Hallie. No more stalling,” Leah said as she wrapped her arms around her knees.
“Yes, the last time I had a nightmare was back in December when I went away with Ben, and he insisted I go back into therapy. At first, I didn’t want to, but he’s had to witness some of them and was worried for me. They’ve been going well, and I feel I’m much better now.”
“Okay, sounds positive. So, what set you off the other night?”
“Leah, please don’t make me tell you. You are over the moon these days, and I can’t be the one to bring you down, not when it’s my fault that…” My breath caught in my throat, and Leah furrowed her eyebrows at me, realizing what I was going to say.
“What the fuck, Hallie!? Do not finish that sentence. I can’t believe you are still carrying around this bullshit. No wonder why your nightmares are back.”
“It’s the truth, Leah, and I’m reminded every time I close my eyes. I keep going back to that night and our fight and then us calling mom. If it weren’t for me…”
And then in a flash I felt a sting to my right cheek. I was stunned, and then my hand went to my face to soothe the burning slap my sister just delivered to me.
“I can’t believe you just hit me! Why did you do that?” I continued to ask as I rubbed my face.
“Someone had to do it, and it might as well be me. Listen, little sister, and really fucking hear me. You are not responsible for mom’s death. It was an accident, a tragic one that took her away from us, but you are not to blame. The drunk driver that killed her, she’s the one that we should hate, not you. Please promise me that you will stop doing this to yourself. It’s not healthy, and it’s only going to hurt you the more you hold onto this guilt.”
“You cannot stop living because mom and dad are gone. They wouldn’t want this for us, and as much as I miss them with all my heart, I have to move forward with my life. I am not going to be sorry for doing what they would want us to do.”
“And what is that?” I asked.
“To live our lives, Hallie. In two months, I’m getting married to a wonderful man. He’s already talking kids and getting a dog. Hell, I haven’t started my career yet, and he wants to knock me up.” We both laughed, and then I had to hug my sister before I started to cry again.
She said, “You see? You’re laughing. It’s in there, baby sis. You just have to allow yourself to do it. You have an amazing boyfriend who dropped everything to come over here just to be with you a
nd make sure you were okay. He opens doors for you and pulls out your chair at dinner. He places linen napkins on your lap and kisses you right there when he leaves the room,” she touched my forehead, and everything Leah said was absolutely true about Ben. “He loves you. I see it in his eyes, and it’s the same look you have in yours. Yes, the anniversary is going to be a rough day, but we will get through it like we did last year by remembering our beautiful mother and honoring her life by celebrating her memory. No tears, Hallie. You have to promise me.”
“I’ll try, but I can’t promise just in case I’m not strong enough to keep it.”
“Deal. Now, what happened at the cemetery?”
Shit! I thought she forgot about that. I said, “Let’s go for our walk. I need to burn off breakfast.”
“Nice one. Try again.”
I let out a frustrated sigh, and then I went onto explain, “I saw a woman in front of her grave, and she placed flowers down for mom. They were pink carnations.”
“To mourn a loss,” Leah said.
“Yeah, that’s right. Anyway, I didn’t know her, and I’ve never seen her before, but there was something oddly familiar about her, maybe her eyes? I couldn’t really know at the time. When I asked her again, she looked at me, and clearly, she was upset. She said that she was the one who killed my mother, and she was sorry.”
“Are you fucking serious?”
“Um, yeah,” I said. “Why do you think I broke down the way that I did? And then when I went upstairs, I found myself in mom’s room, and my body erupted in a haze of memories, and the nightmare was back, and I couldn’t get a handle on them. And then I was in Ben’s arms, and he carried me back to my room. It’s just a blur and was very confusing.”
“Hallie, would you recognize this person if you saw her again?”
“I don’t know. She was tall and slender with I think long hair, but it was pinned up. I think it happened so fast, and once it all hit me, I just was frozen.”
Before We Knew Page 12