With time on my side, I peeled off my comfy jeans and long-sleeved shirt and stepped beneath the rainfall shower head. Standing there with the hot water pounding my shoulders, from out of nowhere, everything hit me like a truck. Alone in the silence, in this beautiful room, a million miles from home, I let go and the tears came like a tsunami. I was powerless to stop it, or even stem the flow. I was in the honeymoon suite, with matching his and hers bathrobes hanging on the door, and I was completely and utterly alone. I’d emailed Kristie after I’d checked in to let her know all was okay and that I was disconnecting until I left the lodge. I thought I needed to disconnect. Put myself in a time out. It sounded like a good idea at the time. Now though, all my good intentions seemed stupid. Bawling my eyes out, I cried and cried until my chest hurt and I was gasping for breath. More than anything right now, I wanted a hug. One so tight it glued my shattered heart back together.
There was only one problem, though. The one person who could hug me and hold me in the way I needed, the one person who could make it all better, he was the one who broke me and sent me running across the globe desperately trying to outrun the pain. Turns out, pain couldn’t be outrun. That bitch would hunt you down no matter where you tried to hide and knock you flat on your arse.
With a snotty nose, raspy throat and sore eyes, I could only imagine what a disaster I looked like. Refusing to look into the mirror, I hurried past and pulled on my safari clothes. When I left home, I hadn’t really been thinking about what I was doing. The truth was, I had been so out of it I was lucky underwear ended up in my suitcase.
Needing to get out of this room and out of my head, I left early and made my way to the main lodge. It was magnificent. Seriously, I’d been here no time at all and I never wanted to leave. From the amazing smells wafting from beyond the swinging doors, to the warmth from the open fire place as the flames danced this place had a magical, almost calming effect on me. Out on the deck I spied a table already laid out for lunch. A table for one. My breath hitched at the sight. Guess that was something else I had to get used to. From here on it would be dinner for one. Movies for one. Holidays for one. Everything for one. Squashing down the icky feeling in the pit of my stomach, I headed outside and slipped into the chair making sure my sunglasses hid my watery eyes.
When Edith appeared with my lunch, if she sensed how much of a complete mess I was, thankfully she remained silent. Instead she set down a pot pie and, if it tasted even half as good as it looked, I was in for a treat.
Stuffing in the last mouthful of the chocolate tart Edith had dropped off for dessert, I contemplated licking the plate clean. I probably would have if not for the appearance of a guy with more swagger than I’d ever seen before. When he flopped down into the chair opposite me, I felt myself sitting up a little straighter. When he dragged the wide-brimmed hat off his head and finger-combed his messy, too-long blond hair, I got a glimpse of his wide, jade eyes for the first time. He wasn’t handsome in the traditional way. He was strong and masculine. From the scruff on his jaw, the slightly crooked nose and the creases at the corners of his eyes, he appeared aged and weathered from time spent in the sun.
“Howzit going?” Even his voice was deep and gruff.
“Great. Thanks.” I stuttered, slightly uncomfortable. The only thing that kept my arse in the chair was the name embroidered on his army-green shirt.
“I’m Darrell. I’m one of the guides here at Tambuti. You’re Maggie, right?”
Instead of answering like a normal, fully functioning adult, I nodded meekly. I was grateful he couldn’t see my fidgeting under the table as I folded my napkin like it was the most complex origami swan ever attempted.
“So, this afternoon we’re going to be heading out on the sunset drive. It’s been raining so it’s pretty muddy and a bit cold. Dress warmly. I have ponchos in the jeep to keep you dry and hopefully, clean.”
I swallowed nervously.
“What would you like to drink?”
“What? Now?”
“Sorry, I didn’t explain myself very well.” Darrell went on to tell me what I should expect, besides the mud and rain, that is. He even gave me the option of skipping tonight and trying again tomorrow. But that wasn’t an option. Not for me anyway. I didn’t care if I came home shaking and shivering, looking like I’d spent a few hours mud wrestling, I was going to find myself an elephant. Seeing one would be unbelievable. Seeing a whole herd; breathtaking. Seeing a baby elephant – a dream come true.
“Since it’s just us tonight…”
“It is?”
“Yeah. There’s a Canadian couple staying tonight too, but they’re leaving early in the morning so they’re going to give it a miss. You’ll more than likely run into them at dinner.”
“Oh. Okay.” I was kind of disappointed. Even though I was here alone, the idea of not having someone to turn to and point out the things I saw or someone to share my excitement with was unnerving. It was a shame I wasn’t going to have that. Having Darrell there would be great. I was under no illusions that he’d more than happily talk to me and share with me his stories of adventures past, but it wasn’t the same. He wasn’t going to see a lion lounging in the grass for the first time. Or a warthog playing in the mud. Or even the stoic silence of a gigantic rhino. For him, this would be just a normal day.
Ignoring my lack of enthusiasm, Darrell pressed on. “Anyway, ‘cause it’s just us we can head out a bit earlier if you like. See what we can find. Unless you’re tired and want to rest a bit more.”
“No. Not at all. I’m happy to go whenever you are.”
After checking his watch, Darrell suggested we head out in forty-five minutes. That would give him time to get organised and me to get changed. With a new plan in place, I scurried back to my room, determined to be standing out the front next to the jeep on time, ready and raring to go.
Ten minutes later I was rugged up, my pockets filled with the essentials. Tissues. Extra camera lenses. Chewing gum. Sunglasses. Wet wipes.
Fifteen minutes later, my pockets were empty, my jacket was lying across the end of the bed and my shoes kicked off on the beautiful navy rug.
Twenty minutes later, I’d finished the complimentary box of chocolates.
Thirty minutes later, the champagne bottle joined the empty chocolate box in the trash.
Forty minutes later, tears were streaming down my face, my hands were shaking and I was shivering.
The phone beside the bed rang and all I could do was stare at it like it was a poisonous snake poised to strike. Yanking the quilt cover off the bed, I wrapped myself up in a duck feather cacoon and prayed for the anxiety to subside.
CHAPTER SIX
MAGGIE
FIVE YEARS AGO
A cool breeze slipped through the back of my open gown as my arse stuck to the paper sheet beneath me. Thankfully they’d already confirmed my blood pressure. Sitting here alone in this sterile, bleach-scented exam room with nothing to do and no one to talk to, the panic gripped me. Or maybe it was guilt. Possibly a combination of both.
“I should’ve told him. I know I should’ve,” I argued with myself as I sat staring at the frankly quite freaky anatomy diagrams.
“Should’ve what?” Doctor Diaz asked as she breezed through the doors, her chestnut ponytail bouncing.
Stamping down the desire to slap that perfectly perky look from her face, I dismissed the idea. With a few taps on her tablet, her eyes squinted beneath her dark-rimmed glasses and her nose wrinkled ever so slightly. It was almost like she’d been doused in the most offensive smell that had dared to waft in her direction.
“Nothing. Nothing at all.” Needing to divert the attention away from my craziness, I focused on why I was here. “So, what is it?”
“What’s what?”
“The verdict? My results? Are they back?”
“They are.”
“And? Come on, Doctor. Put me out of my misery.”
“Are you sure you want to do this without your hus
band, Mrs. Sandford?”
I was beyond nervous. On the verge of a complete breakdown was closer to the truth. Now I was second guessing every single decision that led me to sitting here, completely alone, no one to talk to, no one to hold my hand or worse yet, no one to soothe my fears.
Considering half an hour ago she’d had my legs spread, up in the air with her head between my knees, calling me Mrs. Sandford sounded oddly stiff. Surely, we were beyond formalities at this stage.
Needing human contact, even if it was with someone I was paying three hundred dollars an appointment, I reached out and held her hand, wishfully thinking she could anchor me. “Tell me,” I instructed with as much authority as I could.
For the next ten minutes I sat there looking like a stunned fish. My mouth gaping. Tears balanced precariously on my eye lids. My head was spinning. Gasping for breath, I clutched at my chest. There was no air in this room. When I tried to stand, my knees buckled and I reached for the wall using it to steady me.
“Maggie…”
I heard someone calling my name but I was lost in the fog. Grabbing my clothes and bag I stumbled down the hall, ignoring the curious glances thrown in my direction as I attempted to tug my jeans on over the flimsy paper gown.
It wasn’t until I was safely tucked away in my car, my dark glasses shielding my eyes that I let the tears fall. Replaying her words, over and over didn’t make them any easier to swallow. It was like a sucker punch to the gut every time. ‘Tilted uterus’. ‘Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome’. ‘Almost impossible.’
My phone beeped and I ignored it. The last thing I wanted to do right now was talk to anyone. It was commonly known that I, Maggie Sandford, was the world’s worst liar. Six months ago, I’d tried to organise a surprise party for Drew’s birthday. Barely three days into planning and Drew knew every single detail. I’d caved and spilt my guts. Drew though, being the amazing, supportive and loving husband, he was, pretended he was clueless when his friends jumped out from behind the couch.
Starting the car, I headed home. By the time I pulled into the driveway, the tears had stopped but the ache in my chest was worse than ever. What made it even harder to handle was I was at a complete loss on how to ease the pain.
“Where the hell have you been?” Drew boomed, storming into the garage before I’d come to a complete halt.
“I’m sorry?”
“Where have you been, Maggie? Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?” Running his hands through his hair, it was my first chance to really take in his appearance. He looked like I felt. Like he’d been dragged along behind a truck all day. Drew opened my door and I unclipped my belt. When his hand snaked through the gap in the door, he tugged me out and I fell against his hard, protective chest. Surrounded by Drew’s scent and warmth, I couldn’t hold back the torrent inside me. I could barely believe that I had any more tears left to cry.
I don’t know how long I stood there crying into Drew’s chest, but when I finally managed to lift my heavy head, his shirt was damp and my nose snotty.
“Come on, pretty girl. Let’s go upstairs and you can tell me who I need to kneecap.”
Silently I let Drew lead me upstairs. With every step my stomach climbed in my throat just a little higher. We’d made it to the kitchen before Drew dropped my hand and deposited me onto a bar stool. Without a word, he moved around the kitchen pouring me a mug of coffee just the way I like it.
After he’d set our mugs down, he tore open a packet of my favourite chocolate biscuits, the ones I’d stashed in the back of the cupboard for emergencies. I guess if anything constituted a crisis, this did. Sipping my drink, I almost gagged. Even though he’d made it just the way I liked it, I couldn’t stomach it.
“Okay, sweetheart. Tell me.”
“Tell you what?”
“Maggie.” The way he said my name brought on a fresh flurry from my eyes. “Talk to me.”
“I…I…don’t want to.” Damn that was hard to admit.
I knew I had to tell Drew. I had to tell him what I’d been up to over the past couple of weeks. Laying it out for him wasn’t going to be easy. Disappointing him was going to be excruciating torture.
“How can I fix whatever it is that’s bothering you, if you don’t tell me what’s going on?” As soon as I heard the words come out of Drew’s mouth, all my fears were validated. I knew that would be his first reaction. Fly in like superman and fix the problem. It was his standard MO. This time though, it wouldn’t work. He couldn’t fix this. Fix me. I was broken. I was a failure. I couldn’t give Drew what he wanted. What he deserved. It was my fault we couldn’t have a family. I couldn’t give him the son he’d talked about, dreamt about for years. The knowledge alone was enough to have me paralysed.
“I…I…can’t…I…can’t…”
Abandoning his coffee, Drew dragged me into his lap. I wasn’t the smallest girl but not once had Drew let that deter him. For years he’d made me feel like I was petite and perfect. It was one thing I adored about him. Just one of the many things I loved about him really.
“Whatever it is, we can figure it out. The way we always do. Together.”
Summoning every bit of resolve I possessed, I did the one thing I’d most wanted to avoid. I blurted it out. “I can’t have kids.”
Drew’s face fell.
I wanted to vomit.
I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole.
I wanted to turn back time. Take it all back. Unbreak his heart.
I couldn’t though.
Nothing would undo the hurt I’d just caused.
After a long moment he asked, “What do you mean you can’t have kids?”
For the next hour, Drew held me while I confessed. I told him about it all. The doctor’s appointments I’d been sneaking off to. The weird diets I’d tried. The fact that I was taking so many vitamins and hormones I practically rattled. By the time I was finished I was wrung out.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Honestly, I don’t either.”
“Oh.”
Even though I knew there was nothing Drew could do to fix this, fix me, stupidly I’d hoped he could anyway.
With steady fingers, Drew reached out and lifted my chin forcing me to look him in the eye. How could looking at the man I loved make me want to curl up in the foetal position and hide under the blankets until all the hurt passed? If it ever would. Right now, I wasn’t sure.
“But I do know one thing.” Staring into Drew’s chocolate eyes, I couldn’t help but trust him. I might be completely shattered inside and barely functioning but I trusted this man with every fibre of my being.
“W-what’s that?” I asked nervously.
“Whatever happens next, whatever WE decide to do, WE will do it together.”
“Together?”
“Maggie. Sweetheart. It’s you and me. Together. Against the world. Always.”
“Oh.”
“Now, it sounds like you’ve had a really shitty day, and I think you deserve a bit of pampering.”
Feeling slightly better, like I was no longer trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders alone, I nodded. Some me time right now sounded like heaven. Twenty minutes later, Drew had deposited me in a hot, vanilla-scented bubble bath, delivered a glass of my favourite white wine and called in an order for Chinese.
When the sound of the door clicked in place, I exhaled deeply. After everything that had happened today, this was what I needed, even if I hadn’t known it myself. That was the thing about Drew. Some days he knew me better than I knew myself.
“Sweetheart. Sweetheart. Maggie.” Drew touched my shoulder and roused me from my sleep. The water I’d been soaking in had cooled but it wasn’t until I was fully awake that I realised I was covered in goose pimples. Shivering, I looked up into Drew’s face and saw how much of a toll it had taken on him. Until this moment, I’d been so wrapped up in how much I was hurting, I’d been too selfish to consider what this was doing to him.
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“I know, Mags.”
“I was just so tired.”
Stretching his hand out, Drew helped me from the tub and I found myself embarrassed. Standing there on the peach-coloured bathmat, dripping everywhere under the harsh fluorescent lights, I grabbed the fluffy towel desperately trying to cover everything from the dimples on my thighs to the ugly stretch marks that scarred my boobs.
As if he sensed my discomfort, Drew stepped behind me before manoeuvring me so I was standing in front of the mirror. I had to close my eyes. I couldn’t bear to see the reflection staring back at me. I didn’t have to look to know there wasn’t anything worth seeing there.
“Open those pretty eyes for me, Maggie,” he encouraged as he pressed an open-mouthed kiss against my neck.
“Mmm.”
“Do you know how beautiful you are?”
“I’m not,” I protested, knotting the towel even tighter and praying it wouldn’t fall.
It seemed the tighter I grasped it the more persistent Drew was. His fingers crept up the back of my thighs inching their way under my towel.
“Drew…” I warned. He ignored me and kept walking his fingers higher and higher. When his calloused hands reached my butt, all his teasing went out the window. When a swift slap connected with my arse I jumped, startled.
“Maggie.” His voice was deep, raspy and made my knees weak.
After another slap he massaged away the sting. I might’ve been able to hide my shock but there was no way I could disguise my desire. Not when I could feel the stickiness coating my thighs. I felt Drew everywhere all at once. His lips clamped down on my neck and sucked at the same time his adventurous fingers found my pulsating clit.
Broken Dreams Boxset Page 6