“You were saying,” he asked mischievously, tossing a smirk in my direction. Shithead knew exactly what he was doing.
“I…I…I…”
“You what, Maggie?”
I was teetering on the edge. My back arched as I forced my hips down into the bed. I needed something. Something more to tip me into oblivion. I was desperate to get there and I was more than ready to explode. Somehow Drew knew. Dipping his head, his magical tongue snuck out, swirling around my nipple as his fingers found that spot inside me which sent me hurtling over the edge. I saw stars. My whole body went completely rigid before nothing but pure, unadulterated bliss settled over me and I became nothing more than a limp noodle. A very sated and satisfied limp noodle.
For six months, we fucked like rabbits. It didn’t matter where or when. We’d christened the backseat of my battered old Mazda. There wasn’t a room, wall or horizontal surface in our house that hadn’t been given a thorough test. We’d even grown reckless as I rode Drew like a cowgirl in the back of a cinema. He’d pinned me to the bonnet of the car outside the grocery store. Drew had had my chest smashed into the cold, concrete wall of the stairwell at the football stadium. It wasn’t just locations that had been in danger of seeing way more of my bare arse than anyone would ever want to. We’d given public transport a pretty rigorous test too. Buses, trams, trains and even a ferry as it rocked on the water. Nothing slowed us. There was only one thing that remained the same. Each and every time, we were completely unprotected and filled with hope. Well, Drew was filled with hope while I was constantly filled with…well, filled with Drew.
Life wasn’t all sweaty, steamy sex, though. Unfortunately.
Each month, my heart sank. When I’d wake in the early hours of the morning barely able to move from the excruciating cramps that felt like something was trying to claw its way out, I knew another month of screwing our brains out hadn’t given us the result we were praying for. The hardest part though wasn’t dealing with the cramps or the constant chocolate cravings, but plastering on a smile and reassuring Drew that our turn was coming. That we just needed to stay positive and keep trying. It was killing me. Slowly but surely, it was eating away at me. Faking happy when inside I was freaking out and wanting to do nothing more than curl up in the corner and cry. When Drew wasn’t looking, I was falling apart, but standing in front of him, I was pretending all was right with the world. There were certain things I couldn’t share with him. Things he wouldn’t understand. Things he couldn’t understand. But instead of speaking up, I retreated even further into my shell and waited for the pain to pass before picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting ready to try again.
It didn’t work.
It never worked.
Each month as I flicked over the calendar hanging on the kitchen wall, I found myself hoping this would be the month. Surely it was our time. Our turn. It felt like around us, everyone else was taking the next step forward in their life. A step we kept tripping on.
When shark week arrived, eight months after tossing my contraceptives into the trash, I couldn’t hold back anymore. Wriggling out of bed before the sun, I slipped into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I was exhausted. Tired of worrying. Tired of getting my hopes up only to have them shattered. Tired of seeing everyone around me get the one thing I couldn’t have. It was so unfair. Why was it so easy for some people? People who didn’t even deserve to be mothers. It felt like some women just looked at a dick, and wham! They were knocked up. But me, I was so over having sex. I loved Drew with everything I was, but sex for us had changed. Gone was that fun, spontaneous, can’t-keep-your-hands-off-each-other fucking. All we had left was boring, predictable, scheduled sex.
Even through the scalding water pounding down on my head and washing away my fat, snotty tears, I could hear Drew moving around on the other side of the door. I was torn. Part of me wanted him to stay away and let me be ugly and miserable by myself. Then there was the other side of me. The part of me that wanted him to come storming in, not caring about getting wet or being late and just hold me. Make me believe we were in this together. That I wasn’t the only one who hated this. That I wasn’t the only one who was struggling. But the door never opened. By the time I pulled myself together, dried off and got dressed, he was gone. Not even a note left on the bench. That afternoon I made an appointment with my doctor.
It’d been playing on my mind for months but I’d been stupid or stubborn or maybe both. I couldn’t bring myself to accept that maybe there was something wrong with me. I didn’t want to even consider what that would mean. It was my worst fear and it was gnawing away at me. The night before as I’d driven home, I’d gotten a call from my girlfriend Felicity. She wanted to tell me before I heard it through the grapevine. She was expecting her first child. Her and her husband, Alex, were over the moon. I’d spent the next half an hour sitting in my car in the darkened driveway sobbing. I felt like the world’s worst person. Guilt swallowed me. I hated that I was jealous. Not just a little jealous either. I was hideously, heinously green with envy.
It took ten, very long, very emotional days before I could get in to even see my doctor, then I had to wait for test results. I’d never had so many intrusive, painful and embarrassing procedures in my life. Being a woman sucked. Then the news I didn’t want to hear came through. Everything wasn’t okay. I wasn’t okay. While I wasn’t exactly dying and it wasn’t the end of the world, the moment she explained the fight I had in front of me, it felt like it was the end of my world. The death of a dream. The death of my dream. There was a very real chance I’d never become a mum. While she hadn’t said it was definitive, it was going to be hard.
By the time I made my way home, I was walking around in a trance. When Drew came through the door looking stressed and dishevelled, he was surprised to find me sitting on the couch in the silence. It was barely ever quiet in the house. If I was home, usually, I had music pumping as I walked around shaking my arse and doing my best Beyoncé impressions.
“What’s wrong, Maggie?” he asked as he shed his jacket, hanging it on the peg beside the door and setting his keys on the table.
“Nothing.” Lying seemed like the easiest option. I didn’t want to confess my shortcomings to him. I felt like I’d failed him. Like I’d fucked up and let down the one person in the world I’d never wanted to let down. Disappointing Drew hurt more than sitting there in that impersonal doctor’s surgery listening to her rattle off a laundry list of statistics and options.
When Drew accepted my half-hearted answer and headed upstairs, I felt like giving up. Or throwing up. I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do next. No idea what I wanted to do next. Besides cry, that was. The problem was, I was running out of tears.
Minutes later he reappeared, his suit gone, changed into his sweatpants and hoodie and was holding another one in his hand. “Put this on,” he instructed, handing it to me. It was my favourite piece of clothing in the house. It was the safety blanket I reached for when I was hurt or sad or sick. I guess today I was all three.
“Okay, now tell me, Maggie. What’s going on?”
I didn’t think my heart could break any more than it already had. It was already shattered. But as Drew sat there, holding me and listening to me explain what I’d been up to, the already splintered shards were pummelled to dust.
“Sweetheart. How long have you been dealing with this?”
His compassion surprised me. His sympathy astounded me. As much as I loved Drew, he’d never been that guy. The one to talk about feelings or shed tears. Sitting on the couch, in the silence and dark, Drew asked the one question I needed him to.
“A couple of months.”
“A couple of months? Really?” I nodded, my cheeks heating with a combination of shame and embarrassment. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t.”
“Why? Am I that scary that you can’t talk to me?”
“Honestly?”
“Always the truth, M
aggie. Always.”
“I couldn’t. I just felt like I’d let you down…”
“You’ve never let me down. Not once. And I know you never could.”
“What if…what if I can’t have kids? If I can’t give you the family you want. The family we want. We have this big house. What if we can’t fill it with kids? And it’s all my fault.” Once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. The thoughts I’d been holding inside for weeks, the ones that had been taunting me, the ones that were giving me nightmares and keeping me awake erupted from me.
“Hey. Hey, come on.” Drew dragged me into his lap and held me tight. It was like he was trying to hold all my broken pieces together. “Firstly, it’s just a house. Our house. And we can fill it any way we want. If we want to fill it with kids, then that’s our choice. If you want to fill it with cats, well, then we’ll talk about it and you can fill it with ceramic ones.” I snorted in an embarrassing, unladylike fashion before snuggling my head into the spot on Drew’s shoulder that always made me feel safe. “Now, before we get ahead of ourselves and you turn your hair grey with worry, we need to take a breath and figure out our next steps.”
“I’ve been thinking about…”
“I’m sure you have. But, sweetheart, this isn’t your problem to solve. It’s ours. So, we do it together. So, why don’t we start by you telling me what it is you’ve been thinking so hard about?”
CHAPTER FIVE
MAGGIE
PRESENT DAY
I was rudely awakened by someone rapping on the window beside my head. Blinking my eyes open, I was surprised by how groggy I felt. Rolling my neck from side to side, I pulled down my dark sunglasses and swiped my hand back and forth across my eyes trying to clear the blurriness. Another knock rattled me, and I spun around in my seat, the seat belt digging into my neck to look up into the intimidating face staring back at me. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage clothing, with heavy military-style boots and an expressionless face.
Lowering the window slightly, he spoke gruffly. “I need your ID.” It wasn’t a question. He was a little scary. Okay, he was more than a little. Truthfully, I was absolutely shitting myself.
My driver turned around and nodded towards me. Unclicking my belt, I searched for my bag before reluctantly handing over my passport. From the moment Kristie had booked my flights she’d warned me not to trust everyone I met. Especially with things like my ID.
He moved away from the car and towards the hut that sat behind the heavy iron gates blocking our way. Not once taking my eyes from his back, I watched as he handed it through a sliding window before moving back towards me. With a grunt, he handed me a clipboard.
“It’s not as daunting as it looks,” Marian explained quickly. She went on to clarify what I’d been given and why. It was all about trying to stop the poachers. Well that and having me sign a waiver stating that I knew I was entering an environment filled with wild and dangerous animals and I was doing so at my own risk. A small smile crossed my face. This place was an insurance nightmare. Between the animals who’d want to eat you for breakfast to the poachers who’d shoot you before asking questions, what I was doing wasn’t the safest thing in the world, but it was definitely the most exciting.
After ticking all the boxes and signing my life away at the bottom, the guard reappeared. With a brief humph, he snatched it before returning my passport and nodding to someone hidden within the hut. He’d obviously been satisfied with my answers, because almost immediately the gates screeched open. The car bounced across the grate and we entered the Pilanesberg National Park.
“How much longer until we arrive?” I asked. Now I was wide awake and more than a little anxious to get my adventure started.
“It’s probably only about twenty minutes down the road. Give or take”
“Give or take?”
“Well, it depends really.”
“On?” As keen as I was to get started, I was just as excited at the prospect of getting to a bathroom.
“It’s been raining, so this road might have potholes deeper than the Grand Canyon.”
“Oh.”
“And the traffic.”
“Traffic? Out here?”
“The animal kind.”
“Huh?”
Marian caught my eye through the rear-view mirror and smiled, her white teeth blisteringly bright against her dark skin. Suddenly the weariness I was feeling and the pressure building on my bladder were all but forgotten. Now I was scouring the brush either side of our car as we bumped along. I was desperate to spot one of the big five.
By the time we were pulling into the lodge grounds, I’d already spotted four different types of antelope and an array of birds. My excitement was bubbling. Crossing over the boundary, I noticed the single strand of electrified wire keeping the bigger animals at bay. When we finally pulled to a stop, I was surprised to see one of the most beautiful, most inspiring buildings in front of me. Without even needing to step foot inside, I was ready to move in. With the dark, threatening storm clouds rumbling overhead, they’d turned the lights on making everything glow in a magical light.
Jumping out of the car, I was more than ready for this.
“Mrs. Sandford?” A large lady with a black apron tied around her waist asked, stepping out of the doorway.
My answer caught in my throat and instead I nodded mutely. I must’ve looked like a fool. Running my hand through my hair, I tried to tame the nest. When I wiped my face, I felt the dried, crusty drool on my chin.
“Welcome to Tambuti Lodge.” She thrust a glass into my hand of what looked like a simple orange juice. The moment it touched my lips, I realised it wasn’t just boring, generic juice from the bottle. This was full flavour, freshly squeezed juice with just the right amount of pulp.
“Wow!” I exclaimed embarrassingly. I hadn’t meant to say it; it just kind of slipped out. Humiliating myself seemed to be becoming a more and more common occurrence.
“While we get you checked in, did you want to take a seat? There are lemon bars on the table. Please help yourself.”
“Thank you. I’ll just grab my bag…”
“There’s no need. It’s already on its way to your room.”
I’d barely been here five minutes and already I was giving them a ten out of ten for service. And one bite into the lemon bar, they could serve me nothing but this for my entire ten-day stay and I’d be one very happy, very full girl.
Time flew and before I knew what was happening, I was being led through the back door, past the crystal-clear pool towards my very own, very private bungalow.
Naively, I hadn’t paid much attention when Kristie had started going on about my room and the inclusions. Everything after elephants were insignificant details. Seeing an elephant in the wild had been on my bucket list for as long as I could remember. It’d been something I’d tried many, many times to convince Drew to do. Safari in Africa. But unfortunately, he’d never shown any interest. Now things had changed. Drew wasn’t here and I was, and I was more determined to make the most of every moment. Make new memories. Hopefully memories that made me smile rather than ones that physically hurt.
“Mrs. Sandford. You’re in the Rhino suite.”
She dropped a huge, metal keyring the shape of a rhino into my excited hand. We’d already passed by the zebra and lion rooms, and I was barely restraining myself from barrelling over the woman guiding me and taking off to explore.
Stepping inside, my mouth fell open as I stood there gaping, taking everything in. It was the most stunning, most relaxing, most romantic room I’d ever seen. From the huge, oversized bed buried beneath a mountain of fluffy-looking pillows, to the open-plan bathroom, complete with hot tub, a shower with a full glass wall overlooking my own private courtyard, , and beyond that, the African bush.
“Mrs. Sandford?”
“Sorry. Yes?” I’d completely zoned out and barely heard a word.
“It’s quite enchanting, isn’t it?”
“It�
��s definitely something.”
“If you’d like to join us for lunch, it’s being served on the deck in just over an hour. Today’s menu is a chicken pot pie served with a fresh salad. Then Shiraz-poached pear.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“Is that not something you’d eat, Mrs. Sandford?”
I twinged at the formalities. While legally I still may have been Mrs. Sandford, she was the absolute last person I wanted to be. The moment Drew had asked for a divorce I wasn’t the same woman. I ceased to be Mrs. Sandford. Although I wasn’t sure who I was now, it definitely wasn’t her. “Firstly, please…call me Maggie. I’m not Mrs. Sandford. Not anymore anyway. And secondly, I’d eat anything. I’m starving.” As if right on cue my stomach grumbled loudly.
“Ah, okay Mrs… I mean, Maggie. At lunch you’ll meet Darrell. He’s one of our guides and he’ll be taking this afternoon’s drive.”
“Great!” Now I was buzzing.
“While you’re here feel free to have a look around and use any of the facilities. If you need anything, just come up to the main lodge and someone will be able to help you.”
“Thank you…”
“Edith. And you’re welcome, Maggie. I’ll leave you now to relax and unpack, but if you need anything…”
“I will.”
Stealthily, Edith slipped out the door, leaving me alone in my suite. This wasn’t just a room. Walking over to the wall of glass, I went to push open the door and was surprised when the whole wall moved. Folding them back, the breeze ruffled the curtains while I stood there listening to the sounds the national park laid out in front of me.
I don’t know how long I stood there, my eyes scouring the brush for a sign of life. I think at this point I was so excited even a bird landing would’ve cause me to squeal like a toddler finding Santa had visited. Rolling my shoulders, I moved away from the door and poked around my room. Sitting on the desk in the corner was a box of delicious-looking chocolates and a bottle of champagne. Beneath it was a book about the area and what I could expect to find out there. After flicking through the pages, I was barely able to stay still. I was vibrating. Needing to calm myself down, I faced the dreary job of unpacking. From what I’d just read, if I wanted to join the morning game drive I had to be up and functioning before the sun. For me, that meant making sure everything was organised and ready to go.
Broken Dreams Boxset Page 5