Broken Dreams Boxset

by Rebecca Barber

  Although Drew was saying everything the guide books said he should, I knew him better than that. I knew he was just as scared as I was. He was just putting on a brave face for my sake. I both loved and hated him for it.

  “What if…”

  “No, Maggie. Tonight, we’re not going to play the ‘what if’ game.” Drew scooped me up and set me in his lap, pushing my greasy hair out of my face. When his huge palms cupped my cheeks, keeping my gaze fixed with his, he said, “Tonight, you’re going to go upstairs. Have a long hot bath, then put on a pretty dress. I’m taking you out.”

  “You don’t have to…”

  “I know I don’t have to. I want to. We need to do this.”

  Looking down at my chewed fingernails with the chipped polish, I knew he was right. I was a disaster. I hadn’t shaved my legs in over a week. I couldn’t go out on a date, if that’s what this was meant to be. Did anyone actually date their husband? Was that even a thing?

  “I can’t. Look at me. I’m a mess.”

  “I am looking at you, Maggie. And you’re beautiful.”

  “No…” He put his finger against my lips, silencing me.

  “Stop arguing with me. You’re beautiful.” He kissed my cheek. “You’re incredibly strong.” Another kiss, this time on my temple. “You’re brilliant.” This time his kiss was in that spot just below my ear that never failed to turn my brain to mush. “You’re brave.” When his lips touched the back of my hand I shivered. “And our kid is going to be so lucky to have you as their mum.” Trying to get even closer, I clung to Drew, not wanting to let go. I never wanted to let go.

  As hard as it was to admit, Drew was right. We needed a night out. Out of these four walls. Out and about in the real world. For a couple of hours, I was able to turn off my overactive, overanalysing brain and just be. That night I slept more soundly than I’d slept in months. With Drew’s arms wrapped around me anchoring me, I managed to fall into a dreamless sleep.

  When I woke it took a full five minutes before the panic returned. I’d forgotten what that felt like. I liked it. I missed it. After forcing down a few mouthfuls of cornflakes that tasted more like saw dust, I was standing in the lounge room staring out the window.

  Drew’s hand touched my shoulder and I jumped, startled. My stomach was in my mouth and my heart was pounding wildly.

  “Shit, Drew! You scared me.”

  “Sorry, sweetheart. You were a million miles away.”

  I guess I was. “Yeah. Sorry.”

  “Nothing to be sorry about. You ready to do this?”

  “No.”

  “Come on.” Drew laced his fingers with mine and led me towards the door.

  “Drew, please…”

  “Please what?” I think I could’ve asked for the moon right now and Drew would’ve done his damnedest to make it happen and wrap it with a bow for me. “Tell me, Mags. Tell me what you need.”

  “I need… I need…” I didn’t even know. “Just hold me.”

  He huffed out the breath I hadn’t even been aware he was holding as he wrapped me in his arms and crushed me against his chest. I could hear his heart thumping beneath my ear and, like the sound had magical powers, it calmed me. “I can do that.”

  Two hours later, I’d watched as the nurse had drawn vial after vial of blood from my arm. Now all we could do was go home and wait.

  I was checking my phone what felt like every thirty seconds.

  I kept willing it to ring. It didn’t help.

  I scrubbed the kitchen. Still my phone remained silent.

  I worked my way through the mountain of ironing. Still nothing.

  It wasn’t until I’d unpacked and refolded every item in the linen press when Drew’s infinite patience ran out.

  Picking me up like I was a rag doll, he threw me over his shoulder and carried me down the hallway before dumping me on the bed. “Drew!” I squealed with a stupid, teenage giggle.

  CHAPTER NINE

  MAGGIE

  PRESENT DAY

  “The waterhole?” I quoted The Lion King childishly.

  Without missing a beat, Darrell turned in his seat, looked me dead in the eye. “The waterhole.”

  Louise hooted loudly. Although I’d only met Darrell yesterday, we’d slipped into some kind of weird, immature friendship where we laughed at nothing and were on a mission to find Simba.

  “You two are like my children.”

  “What?”

  Before he had a chance to answer, the radio dangling from the rear-view mirror crackled. Slowing down, he rolled to a stop in the middle of the road before answering it. I tried to eavesdrop on his conversation, but whoever was on the other end was speaking in some kind of gibberish. After a moment, he rattled off something equally as incoherent, before settling the radio back in place and turning to us.

  “I know how excited you are about our visit to the waterhole, but there’s something I think you might like a bit more up ahead.”

  “An elephant?” I asked hopefully. Even the idea of coming face to face with an elephant had me bouncing in my seat like the excited child Louise believed I was.

  “Or a giraffe?” Turning around, I looked at Louise and realised straight away why she wasn’t judging me for my enthusiasm, because she was in exactly the same boat. There must have been something in the air.

  Ignoring our questions, Darrell gunned the engine and we were off. “Let’s go find out.”

  It took barely five minutes before we were slowing down to join a bunch of other Jeeps parked on the side of the road. My eyes were scouring the bush laid out before me looking for the excitement everyone was here to see. My logic told me that if there were this many people here watching silently, it had to be something more exciting than yet another antelope. I mean, the first antelope was cool, but the thousandth, not so much.

  “Over there. On your left. Under the tree.” Darrell pointed in the direction we were supposed to be looking.

  It took me a second and then I saw what the big deal was. There were three cheetahs lying carelessly in the grass barely forty metres from where I was sitting. I couldn’t believe it. This was incredible. From what I’d read in the brochure, the Pilanesberg National Park only had ten known cheetahs and here I was, just simple little me, seeing not only one, but three.

  “They’re beautiful,” I whispered to no one in particular.

  “They look so relaxed. So cuddly. Like my cat, Henry. How could they possibly ever hurt anyone?” Louise admired.

  “Right now, they look like that. Imagine what they look like to an antelope when their stomachs are rumbling.”

  “I guess. They’re probably like me when I’m hangry.”

  “Hallelujah!” Louise and I high-fived. Darrell just looked at the pair of us like we were losing the plot. Maybe we were.

  For twenty minutes we sat there, not moving, not speaking just watching on in awe. It was surreal. These magnificent, deadly creatures didn’t seem to be fazed at all by the carpark of strangers gawking at them.

  “You ladies seen enough?” Darrell asked, interrupting my peace.

  “They’re not going to do much are they?”

  “Nah. They’re mainly active at night. But at least you got to mark that one off your list.”

  “That’s true.” Louise dug through her handbag pulling out the brochure and a marker before she actually ticked it off proudly.

  Weaving his way through the other cars, Darrell waved to some of the drivers and asked questions in rushed code. At least I think he was asking questions. I had no idea. A short time later we were stopped at a viewing platform and Darrell began unpacking morning snacks. After some strong, bitter coffee and a hunk of god-awful dry, crumbly cake we were back in the Jeep and off to search again. It didn’t take long before we rounded a bend and came to a halt. Standing in the middle of the road was an old, stubborn giraffe.

  “Don’t you just hate traffic in the mornings?”

  I couldn’t stifle the laugh building ins
ide. Never in my wildest imagination did I think I’d be caught in ‘traffic’ behind a towering giraffe. While he nibbled from the bush to my right, I noticed the scars and scrapes marring his beautiful body. There were hunks of hair missing from his long legs. He wasn’t perfect like the pictures in all the books. He’d lived. And he’d survived. He was mesmerising.

  When he finished chewing from the thorny bush, he meandered down the road, not at all interested in moving his big bony arse out of the way. When Darrell honked the horn, a back leg kicked out nastily.

  “Someone isn’t a happy boy.”

  “Nah. This guy is just old.”

  In one way it was frustrating to be stopped knowing there was so much more out there to find, but on the other hand, being caught in so-called traffic sitting in the middle of the bush with a stubborn, temperamental giraffe blocking the way, was a pretty incredible experience to have. One I knew I’d cherish. Digging my phone from my pocket, I started to video him. Occasionally he’d look back over his shoulder, almost as if he was making sure we were still following.

  Eventually we got by and, after another hour or so of circling the dirt tracks, we headed back towards the lodge and what I was hoping was breakfast. It was weird. I was the absolute worst person in the world at looking after myself. When I wasn’t paying attention, it wasn’t uncommon for me to miss meals or forget to drink and end up dehydrated with a headache. Since I’d been here, all twenty-four hours I’d eaten better than I had in weeks. Now I was ravenous and looking forward to whatever Edith had whipped up this morning.

  For the next three days my life was on repeat and I wasn’t at all disappointed. Not one little bit. I was up before the sun, out enjoying the cool mornings searching for everything that Africa had to offer. Then we’d come back, I’d indulge in way too much food before either catching up on some much-needed sleep, taking a swim in the pool or really spoiling myself by sinking into my own private hot tub. After another huge, delicious meal, we’d load up and keep searching for my elusive elephant. How could something so huge hide? It wasn’t like they could climb a tree and camouflage themselves amongst the leaves.

  Inside I was starting to get worried. I know Darrell couldn’t just conjure an elephant from thin air even if he wanted, but I was quickly running out of days.

  We’d spent the morning out scouring the grasslands. I had to pinch myself. I could hardly believe that this was my life. When we’d accidentally rumbled down the road only to find a pair of mating lions right on the edge of the road, everything in my world seemed surreal. They were so close I felt like I could reach out and touch them. His wild, messy mane was littered with twigs and grass. There was just something about him that made me want to reach out and pet him. I wasn’t an idiot so I kept my hands tucked safely at my side, but he was just so... so beautiful.

  As I watched him rising from his haunches, I felt like I was holding my breath. It would’ve been so easy for him to jump up and climb onto my lap. Instead he rose majestically, shook out his whole body before flopping down again, his head resting on the shoulder of the red muddy road.

  “I never want to leave.”

  “I never did,” Darrell said with an easy shrug.

  “What’s your favourite animal?” I asked Darrell.

  This weird, almost peacefulness crossed his face and he sucked in a deep breath. Louise, who was now my best friend, and the amazing French couple, Dion and Celine who were celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary but acting more like newlyweds, making out in the back seat more interested in each other than what was going on around them all went quiet, waiting for undoubtedly one of Darrell’s intriguing stories.

  “There was this rhinoceros. I called her unicorn.”

  “What made that particular rhino special?”

  “Unicorn was mine. Her and I had this thing that no one else understood. They couldn’t. I didn’t even understand it. Not really. I’d drive out and find her, then climb out of the car and sit there. I’d watch her for hours. She was beautiful.”

  “Where is she now?”

  “She died. A few years back now. Under a tree not far from here actually.”

  My heart sank for him. He’d gone from lit up like a kid on Christmas, excited to talk about her to reliving the pain all over again. “How did she die?” The thought of someone hurting such a beautiful creature made my stomach churn.

  “She’d been in a fight and ended up with an infection at the wound site. It’s the hardest part about this job. Not intruding. Not interfering with mother nature. A round of antibiotics and cleaning it up would more than likely have helped but we don’t touch. So instead I had to watch and wait and then, I had to say goodbye.”

  “Your job sucks,” I blurted out accidentally. Realising what I’d done, I clamped my hand down over my mouth to stop any other errant thoughts just going out for a walk.

  Thankfully Darrell and I had spent enough time together, cruising around singing Hakuna Matata and quoting The Lion King that he knew I was nuts. He didn’t seem offended by my comment. If anything, his grin widened.

  “You’re right. Some days it sucks. But then others… Who else can say that they went to work today and saw two lions getting down and dirty on the side of the road?”

  He was right. My job was boring, monotonous and full of responsibilities. I’m not saying Darrell’s wasn’t. The difference was the excitement factor. The thrill. The thing that makes you drag your tired, grouchy butt out of bed every morning. For Darrell, he didn’t sit behind a desk and he didn’t have to spend all day listening to someone drone on about the same shit they bored you half to death with yesterday.

  “Fair point.”

  “Does it count if I see the secretary on her knees in the boss’s office?” Louise asked. I coughed violently. I couldn’t believe that had just come out of her mouth. While Louise and I had formed a fabulous friendship, I’d been watching my words very carefully, doing my damnedest not to offend anyone. It seemed, much to my surprise, Louise wasn’t as delicate as she would like you to believe.

  After another delicious dinner, Louise and I kicked on. Relaxing by the pool, someone evil – at least this morning I was convinced they were evil – kept refilling the concoction we were drinking, and I was downing them like they were juice.

  It was a beautiful, cloudless night and overhead the sky was littered with a million and one stars. Lying back on the lounger, I’d spilt my guts. I’d shared with a complete stranger my whole sad, sorry story. I hadn’t cried. It felt good to get it off my chest. Say things out loud to someone who had no emotional connection to the players in my story.

  It wasn’t until Louise had opened the bottle of vodka that things took a turn for the worst. As the bottle emptied, Louise returned the favour and shared her story. She was searching for something too, just like me. The difference was, while I was looking for answers, she was trying to find a fresh start.

  Her husband, Jarryd, of forty-two years had passed away last year. From everything she said, they had one of those marriages to envy. One that I’d always dreamt of having. A true partnership. Someone who had my back no matter what life threw at me. Someone to rely on. Someone to hold my hand and dry my tears when the going got tough. When he’d been diagnosed with cancer, Louise hadn’t left his side.

  Six days.

  Six days was all they had.

  After forty-two years together, six days to say goodbye could never be enough.

  Six days to prepare. To accept. To try and find an answer.

  There wasn’t an answer. There was no way to make it hurt less. Nothing that could be done to prepare her for it.

  Now she was here. In the African wilderness trying to figure out how to live again. Live a new life. One where she had no one to rely on but herself. I’ll never know if it was her intention or merely a happy accident, but the more I listened to her, the more faith I had in myself. Somehow Louise gave me strength. Or maybe she just brought it out in me. If she could survive w
hat she’d been forced to endure, then I would fight my way through this mess and come out the other side stronger than ever.

  First things first, though. My days in Africa were running out. The end of my adventure was closing in, and I still hadn’t gotten what I’d come for. I was still searching for an elusive elephant. They were hiding from me, I was sure of it. That was the reason, the only reason, I was climbing into the back of the Jeep, now filled with people from all ends of the earth while my head pounded and my stomach lurched dangerously. Vodka and I had never been friends and last night proved nothing had changed there. It was still a vicious bitch.

  “Everyone excited?” Darrell asked as he swung up carelessly behind the wheel.

  The young blonde girl sitting beside me squealed and bounced in her seat. Turning away, I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath willing the wave of nausea to pass. After a few moments, I cracked my eyes open and met Louise’s gaze. She deserved to look like hell. The way she was gulping down cocktails before taking up the role of bartender and began pouring shots, downing two to each of mine. The bitch didn’t even have the audacity to look anything less than perfect. The sun was barely cracking through the clouds and she already had a face full of makeup and her hair styled.

  “I hate you,” I mouthed in her direction.

  In reply, Louise just blew me a kiss, slipped her oversized sunglasses over her eyes and turned back to the front.

  Every bump, every pothole rolled my stomach.

  “We better find a bloody elephant today,” I grumbled under my breath already planning the nap I was going to have the moment we got back.

  CHAPTER TEN

  MAGGIE

  THREE YEARS AGO

  Another dinner at home by myself. Drew had sent a text an hour ago letting me know he was going to be late. Something about a crisis at work. I didn’t really pay attention. It was becoming all too familiar. After pushing my own dinner around on the plate, I scraped it into the trash and instead grabbed a handful of chocolates before curling up on the lounge with yet another trashy chick flick. The movie ended, I locked up the house, flicked on the outside light and went to bed. Alone.