“Did she write it under her own name?”
“Yeah, you can buy a copy at the bookstore. They always have plenty on hand.”
“In a town this size, it took a lot courage to write something so personal and attach her own name to it.” Chase didn’t know if he would have had the guts to do that. “Did she take any flak from people?”
“Not really,” Ainsley said, shaking her head slowly. “Sure, a lot of people were surprised, since she left town before she’d even started to show and didn’t return for more than a year. By then she’d lost all the baby weight and…”
“What?” Chase asked, leaning forward. “Why’d you stop?”
“I just feel like this is Shay’s story to tell. Not mine.”
“But what if she won’t tell me?” His biggest concern was that she would continue shutting him down, especially where their son was concerned. That’s why he had to ask… “Has she heard from him?” It killed Chase that he didn’t even know his own son’s name.
“Chase, I’m sorry,” Ainsley said, her expression pained. “There are just some things that are off limits. And that’s one of them.”
Chase couldn’t blame her. There were certain secrets he’d take to the grave for Bryce. “So, how do you suggest I get her to open up to me?” No one knew Shay better than Ainsley did and if anyone could help him devise a plan to get back on his ex’s good side, it was her.
“You could try being her friend,” Ainsley suggested. “It worked before.”
Chase was reminded of a time when the four of them had been inseparable. Bryce and Ainsley had started dating first, while he and Shay tagged along to round things out. But it wasn’t long before their attraction and growing friendship turned into the kind of love Chase hadn’t expected to find until much later in life.
“There’s been a lot of water under the bridge since Shay called me a friend.” Chase wondered if it was even possible for them to re-build the trust they’d lost. “I’m not even sure that it’s possible anymore.”
“Chase, let me ask you a question,” Ainsley said, leaning closer. “Why did you come back to town? Really?”
“To make peace with the past, I guess.”
He took in their surroundings, same vinyl bench seats and old wooden chairs he remembered. The walls were lined with framed photos Bernice had taken from local events, along with sports paraphernalia from Rusty’s favorite teams. The jukebox in the corner was a relic, but it still played the tunes the old-timers loved. This was home. That’s why he’d come back.
“To make peace with the past or Shay?”
Shay was a huge part of his past. He couldn’t think of his time in Landon without thinking of her. “I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to make peace with her decision to give our son away.”
Ainsley released a shaky breath as she whispered, “I was with her when she gave birth. She didn’t want her parents there, but she was scared to go through it alone.”
Tears burned his eyes as he imagined what she must have gone through, how she must have felt, handing that tiny baby over to a stranger, knowing she’d never see him again.
“I held her all night,” Ainsley said, fighting back tears. “She was inconsolable after he was born. I was so scared she might try to hurt herself, that’s how shaken up she was.”
Shay had always been one of the most upbeat people Chase knew. He couldn’t imagine her slipping into the kind of darkness Ainsley described. “How did she get through it?” he asked, forcing the words past the lump in his throat.
“It sounds cliché,” Ainsley said, with a bitter smile. “But she got through it one day at a time. Heck, it was one hour at a time for a long while. During that initial period, before the adoption was finalized, she was so tempted to call the whole thing off.”
“Why didn’t she?” Chase asked, wishing with everything in him that she had. “She must have known that I would have supported her.”
“You would have tried. But you wouldn’t have been living the life you are now.” When Chase frowned, Ainsley said, “That’s what she was most afraid of, I think. Not only ruining that precious baby’s life, but ruining yours too. She thought you’d end up hating her because you wouldn’t have been able to pursue your dreams.”
Ainsley clapped a hand over her mouth before jumping up. “I’ve already said way too much.” She bent to kiss Chase’s cheek. “It was good seeing you again. It’s nice to have you home.”
“It’s nice to be home,” Chase whispered, as he watched her walk away.
Bryce walked into Chase’s office two days later, just as he was finishing the last pages of Shay’s book. He’d stayed up all night reading it and hadn’t been able to set it aside long enough to focus on work that morning.
“What’s that?” Bryce asked, gesturing to the book.
Unable to speak, Chase handed it to him, trying to make sense of everything he’d read. He still couldn’t believe that Shay had the courage to be so open and honest about the most painful thing she’d ever endured. She held nothing back. It was like reading her personal journal and it clarified a lot of things, but still confused him.
“Is this for real?” Bryce asked, looking up at him after he read the book jacket. “She actually wrote a book about the adoption?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you read the whole thing?” Bryce asked, turning it over in his hands.
“Cover to cover.” And he knew he’d probably read it again. And again.
“Wow. Must have been intense.”
“Not nearly as intense as it was for her to write it, I’m sure.” Chase could never have found the courage to do what she did, put her heartbreak down on paper, to be judged and critiqued by strangers.
“This must have answered a lot of questions for you,” Bryce said, setting the book down on the edge of Chase’s desk.
“It answered some,” he admitted. “But it raised a lot more. She loved the baby. Our son. She loved me too.”
“She said that?” Bryce asked, raising the book.
“Yeah, she didn’t name me in the book. She just said she was in love with the baby’s father and dreamed of building a life with him- me, when she found out she was pregnant.”
“That’s no surprise though,” Bryce said. “We all know how Shay felt about you. And that baby. She was just about the sweetest girl I knew. It must have killed her to give up her own flesh and blood that way.”
“I need to talk to her about this. But how do I broach the subject without making her uncomfortable?” Chase could only imagine how raw and exposed she would feel when she learned he’d read the book cover-to-cover.
“You said you might be in the market for a new truck,” Bryce said, setting the book down on the edge of the desk before leaning back and stretching his long, denim-clad legs out in front of him. “Go in and see her. If you’re lucky you can talk her into taking a test drive with you. Might give you a chance to get her alone and talk.”
Since he didn’t have any better ideas, Chase stood, reaching into his desk drawer for his cell phone and keys. “Did you need me for something?”
Bryce chuckled. “I know you’re not gonna be able to think about work until you talk to Shay. Just go. I’ll still be here when you get back.”
Chase felt like he was driving to the dealership on auto-pilot. He used to drive by as a teen, fantasizing about the day when he’d be able to walk in and slap down a big fat check for the most expensive vehicle on their lot just to put Shay’s old man in his place. Now that day had finally come and not only was Shay’s father not around to see it, but Chase didn’t really care what he thought of him anymore.
As he pulled into the lot, he scanned the cars with plates, trying to figure out which one might belong to Shay. He finally decided on the black Jeep. It looked fun, but practical at the same time, just like Shay.
He hopped out of his pick-up, slamming the door as he tried to tamp down his nerves. He hadn’t set foot inside this building in years
and had no idea what would be waiting on the other side of that door. Would Shay be happy to see him, or would she tell him to get lost after the way he’d trash-talked her family the last time they saw each other?
Ainsley was standing at the high counter in the middle of the reception area, passing her friend a coffee, when her eyes met Chase’s. A slow smile spread across her face, as though she sensed he needed the encouragement.
“Hey there, handsome,” Ainsley said, when it became apparent Shay wasn’t planning to greet him. “What brings you by?”
“I’m looking for a new truck.”
That finally piqued Shay’s interest enough for her to glance outside at his Ford F-450. “That doesn’t look too old to me. What is it, a few years?”
“Yeah, but I put a lot of miles on it. I like to drive between our stores when I can. Driving helps me think.”
Shay smiled. “Still? I remember you used to say you’d do some of your best thinking out on the open road.” Her smile slipped and she cleared her throat, obviously annoyed with herself for taking a detour down memory lane. “Um, I only have one sales guy in right now and he’s out on a test drive. My receptionist is out for lunch, so I’m covering for her.” She glanced at her watch. “Barry should be back in about ten minutes, if you want to wait around?”
“Why don’t you show Chase around the lot?” Ainsley asked, giving her friend a meaningful look. “I’ve got help at the flower shop today, so I can cover the desk for you until Amy gets back.”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that,” Shay said, as her gaze darted to Chase. “You don’t even work here.”
“But I did for years in high school and when I was on summer break from college,” Ainsley said, rolling her eyes with a laugh as she claimed the swivel chair behind the desk. “I bet this thing still has my butt print.” She moved from side-to-side with a cheeky grin. “Yup, I was right.”
“Well,” Shay said, reaching for a set of keys. “I guess that’s settled. Thanks, by the way, Ainsley.” Her teeth were clenched when she said it, making Chase suspect her sincerity, but he didn’t care if she felt pressured into helping him, as long as he got what he came for. Time alone with her.
“Um, I think we only have one loaded 450 on the lot, assuming that’s what you’re after?”
He was after more than a new vehicle, he realized, as he watched the tempting sway of her hips in a tight black skirt as she made her way to the truck. “Uh yeah,” he said, realizing she expected a response.
Chase fell into step beside her, inhaling her fresh citrusy floral scent. He knew it well even after all these years. They’d been lying in the bed of his truck one night, admiring the stars, and she told him the shampoo was some combination of citrus and kiwi and the perfume wasn’t perfume at all, but a lavender essential oil. He’d told her whatever it was he loved it and begged her to never stop wearing it.
“What are you doing?” she asked, frowning when she realized he’d sniffed her as she breezed past him.
He chuckled, not at all embarrassed at being caught. “Just remembering.”
“We should probably try to refrain from doing too much of that.” Her high heels were clicking against the pavement, her stride eating up the distance between them when he stopped her in her tracks.
“I read your book.”
She turned to face him slowly, the color creeping up her neck before eventually staining her cheeks. Given her dark complexion, it took a lot to make her blush. “You did? What did you think?”
“I thought you were incredibly brave.” Since she seemed momentarily stunned as she tried to process what it meant that he’d read her story, he took advantage of her lapse to close the distance between them. “I’ve thought about it a million times over the years,” he said, lowering his voice. “But I wouldn’t have had the guts to write my feelings down and let the world read them.”
“It was hardly the world,” she said, turning to walk again. “It only sold about ten thousand copies. A lot of them to people in this town who wanted to support me, I think. But writing about it was kind of cathartic for me. If I’d had those thoughts and feelings rolling around in my head for the rest of my life I think I would have gone crazy.”
“I’m glad you found a way to deal, ‘cause I sure haven’t.” Chase didn’t mean to sound bitter that she’d found a way to let go of the past, but he knew that’s how she would perceive it.
Shay closed her hand around the door handle of the truck she’d told him about. “What other choice do we have?” she asked, softly. “We have to deal with it. What happened, happened. We can’t change it.”
Chase rested his hand alongside hers. His cotton shirt barely brushing hers. “If you could change it, would you?”
She seemed to consider her answer a long time before she said, “I don’t know. I guess a lot would depend on the kind of life he’s had without us. I like to think that he’s happy, that he adores his adoptive parents and they’ve given him the kind of life we couldn’t have back then.”
“But we could have loved him,” he whispered, his breath fanning her neck. “No one could have loved him more than we would have. You know that.”
“We can’t keep questioning ourselves and second-guessing our decision, Chase. It’s not healthy. We need to let it go.”
“I can’t. Not until I see with my own two eyes that he’s better off without us in his life.”
She sucked in a sharp breath as she whirled around to face him. “You can’t do that. You can’t reach out to him. That wouldn’t be fair to him or his parents.”
“We’re his parents.” Chase knew it wasn’t necessarily logical, since they hadn’t raised him, but in his mind that boy would always be his son.
“No,” she said softly, shaking her head as her gaze drifted from his to the ground between their feet. “They’re his parents now. They have been since the day he was born.”
“What can you tell me about them?” Chase was desperate for something, anything that would provide a link to his son. No matter how fragile it may be.
She passed him the keys to the truck when another car pulled into the lot. “I can’t do this here. You drive. We’ll talk.”
He walked to the passenger’s side with her, opening the door for her before sucking in a few deep breaths as he rounded the rear of the big pick-up truck.
Chase wasn’t even sure he should be driving, given his state of mind. When he slid into the driver’s seat and curled his hands around the leather steering wheel, he realized they were shaking.
“Are you okay?” she asked, obviously noting the tremor as she fastened her seatbelt. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”
“No, I’m fine,” he lied, starting the engine.
He didn’t even have to ask where they should go. There was only one place he could think to take her: the lake. It was late May, so the kids weren’t out of school yet, which meant it would be quiet. They might run into a few dog walkers, or young mothers with strollers, but for the most part they should have the small sandy beach to themselves.
“The lake?” she asked, looking tense as he turned down a narrow dead-end street that butted up against her lot.
“Where else?” It was the place they had some of their best and worst memories. The place they’d fallen in love, broken up, and ultimately decided the fate of their unborn child.
Chapter Four
Shay’s stomach was tied up in knots by the time they climbed out of the truck. She’d never imagined having a conversation with Chase about their child. No. That wasn’t entirely true. She’d imagined it hundreds of time. She just never thought it would happen.
“I can’t walk on the beach in these,” she said, pointing to her shoes. “Not to mention this.” She pulled the hem of her black blazer away from her body. “It’s hot today, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“So lose the blazer and kick your shoes off.” His eyes travelled down her legs. “You’re not wearing nylons. You can ri
nse your feet off before we head back.”
Since she didn’t have much of a choice, she slipped the blazer off, revealing a hand-dyed silk tank that Ainsley swore reminded her of tie-dye. “I’ll just leave them here,” she muttered, knowing anything she said to him now would fall on deaf ears.
His eyes were roaming her body, making her remember things she’d rather forget. Like how his hands felt grazing her skin when he kissed her.
“Something tells me you’re thinking the same thing I am.”
He smirked while she felt her cheeks burning for the second time in the past half hour. She never blushed, but something about this man brought out the worst in her, or the best, depending on the day.
“You don’t know what I’m thinking,” she said, before jumping out of the truck.
After walking down the stone steps leading to the beach he fell into step beside her. “Admitting it doesn’t make you weak you know,” he said, slipping his sunglasses on.
“Admitting what?” she asked, looking up at him, wishing she could see his eyes.
“That you’re still attracted to me. You have to know I feel the same way.”
She looked out at the water, unable to answer. As they neared the small clearing she walked up to an iron railing that prevented onlookers from getting too close to the falls, remembering all the times they’d stood in this very spot planning their future.
“What did you come back?” she asked, suddenly wishing he hadn’t.
For years her feelings for him laid dormant. It was so much easier for her to pretend she’d gotten over him when she didn’t have to look at his handsome face and be reminded there was a teenager out there somewhere who could look just like him.
“For a lot of reasons.”
He curled his hands around the railing, looking out at the swirling water, no doubt remembering all the times they’d scurried down the embankment, and disappeared beneath the cool water on a hot day, pretending they were the only two people on earth.
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