Or maybe she was the only one thinking of that.
“Your family.” She had to believe that was the only reason he’d come back. If she allowed herself to entertain any other possibility she was in serious danger of falling for him all over again.
“Yeah, sure.” He looked down at her, but his eyes were masked by those aviator sunglasses. “Now that dad’s gone, I feel better being here, in case they need me.”
There was so much she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was for his loss, that she knew his family loved him and would be happy to have him back. Instead she swallowed the words that would take them back to another time and place.
“But that’s not the only reason I came back.”
“No?” She cleared her dry throat, thinking she’d give anything for a sip of water.
“I came back because I feel like I left too much behind.”
She wondered if he could see her heart beating through her thin tank top when she asked, “What did you leave behind?”
“Our son, for one.”
“Chase, please.” She closed her eyes when they started burning, a sure-fire sign the tears were going to start flowing whether she wanted them to or not. “You have to stop thinking of him as our son. He’s not. He’s someone else’s son now.”
“Have you seen him? Heard from him?”
She shook her head, curling her hands around the railing, pulling her body away, pushing back, like she was afraid to hold on too tight, yet afraid to let go at the same time. Her life had always been like that. It started as a tug of war between her family and the man she loved and now it was a tug of war between her head and heart. Her head told she had no right to get to know the baby she’d given away, but her heart desperately wanted to see him just one more time.
“Have you ever thought about reaching out to him?”
“Every day.” She’d never told anyone that. She’d admitted it in her book, but never to another person.
“Then why haven’t you?”
She shrugged, fighting back the blinding tears that was making it difficult to see the swirling water below. “I don’t think I have the right. If he wanted to, he could reach out to me, to us. Since he hasn’t I have to assume he doesn’t want us in his life.”
“Maybe he thinks it’s the other way around, that we don’t want him in ours. We were the ones who gave him up, remember.”
“How could I forget?”
“You said in your book that you wished you could have kept him. That you’d have given anything if things could have been different.” He sighed. “I feel the same way. Even if you didn’t feel you could raise him, I should have stepped up. I may have made a lot of mistakes with him, being on my own, but at least I wouldn’t have had to live with this ache in my chest every day.”
He hung his head and she swore she could feel the ache he referred to in her chest as she touched his back, wishing she could absorb some of his pain. “I’m not going to tell you to let it go again because people have been telling me that for years and I can’t tell you how much I resent it. I’ll never be able to let it go.”
“Neither will I.” He raised his sunglasses, letting her see the sheen of tears in his eyes. “That’s why I need to see him. I just need to know that he’s okay. That he knows we only gave him up because we love him and want the best for him.”
She didn’t know how to respond. Should she try to dissuade him or encourage him to do what he felt he had to do to feel better?
“Will you come with me to see him?” At her shocked expression, he added, “When I find out where he is and make sure he’s willing to talk to us.”
“I don’t know if I can.” Walking away from her son once had nearly destroyed her. She didn’t know if she had it in her to do it a second time.
“I’ll be honest,” he said, releasing a shaky breath. “I’m kind of afraid to do it alone.”
That was the only thing that could have made her smile in that moment. The Chase Wright she remembered had been afraid of nothing, except maybe the threats her father had made against his family.
Her smile fell as she thought of that. Even though her father’s health was failing and she knew she shouldn’t hold a grudge, she’d never gotten over the way he treated Chase and his family, like they were second-class citizens because they hadn’t been born with a silver spoon, the way he had.
“What made you smile?” he asked, looking confused.
“Nothing.” She knew dredging up the past wouldn’t help them decide what to do about meeting their son. “Can I think about it, Chase? There’s a lot to consider and I wouldn’t want to make a mistake. Not about this. It’s too important.”
He nodded. “I understand. Just know that I feel I have to do this. I have to find him, hopefully see him, talk to him, and maybe even try to help him understand why we did what we did. I can’t rest until I do.”
“I understand.”
“But if you don’t feel you can go with me, I get that. Maybe if you want to write him a letter or something, I can take it with me to give to him. At least then he would know how you feel.”
She was touched by the offer. Grateful that he’d given her the opportunity to speak to their son in her own words, even though she wasn’t sure she was brave enough to do it face-to-face. “Thanks. I just might do that.”
“Okay, then. I guess you have to get back, huh?”
It felt so unnatural to be standing so close to him and not feel free to reach out and touch him. But Shay knew one touch would never be enough. Chase had always been like an addiction for her. One kiss and she craved another until it was all she could think about.
“Yeah.” She turned to walk back up the slight hill, savouring the feel of his hand on her lower back, making sure she was steady as she traversed the incline in bare feet.
“I’ll take the truck, by the way.”
She hadn’t given the truck a second thought since he’d mentioned their son. “Oh, uh, okay.” She could really use the sale this month, but she didn’t want him to take pity on her. “Don’t you want me to go over some of the features with you?”
“It’s okay. It’s pretty much the same as the one I’m driving now.”
“Okay.” She knew she should be grateful they were talking business, but it felt wrong when she still had so many unanswered questions about the life he’d been living since he left. “Do you want to trade yours in?”
“No, that’s okay. My brother said he could use another truck for the inn. I think I’ll just give it to him.”
Chase’s younger brother recently bought the inn he’d been working at since he was a teenager and from everything she’d heard business was booming, but Shay thought it was nice Chase still wanted to help his kid brother out if he could. She wondered if he’d loaned him the money to buy the inn, but knew she had no right to ask.
“I heard you two went out to dinner awhile back.” Chase slipped his sunglasses back in place before turning the outdoor tap on so Shay could rinse her feet before she got back in the truck. “How’d that happen?”
Shay wasn’t sure Brady would have mentioned that to Chase, but since someone had, she had no choice but to answer his question. “Um, it was no big deal, really. He was in Ainsley’s flower shop buying a bouquet for your mom’s birthday and asked me if I’d like to grab dinner sometime.”
“Huh.” He opened the passenger’s door, his expression inscrutable.
She thought about climbing into the truck and letting the conversation die, but she knew if Chase had gone out with someone close to her she would have craved details. “Nothing happened, Chase. I swear. By the time they served the appetizers we recognized it for what it was, two old friends catching up. Both of us knew it wouldn’t go any further.”
He seemed to be holding his breath when he asked, “Why?”
“Because he loves you and so did I.” A part of her feared she would always love Chase, but she would never admit as much. “In fact, we sp
ent a lot of time talking about you. Not about your life now,” she quickly amended. “But about things that happened back in the day.”
He frowned. “You didn’t want to know what I was doing now, or how I was doing?”
She bit her lip, wondering how much she should admit to. “I know it seems crazy, but I asked Brady not to tell me. If you were married or had kids, I didn’t want to know.”
He braced his hand on the doorframe above her head and this time it was Shay who couldn’t breathe. “It doesn’t sound crazy. It would have killed me to know you’d moved on with someone else. I told myself that I wanted you to be happy, but every time I thought of you married to someone else, having someone else’s baby, I just wanted to haul my gun out—”
She gasped before she caught his smile.
“You know I’ve always been a hunter, Shay. When I need to blow off a little steam I still take to the woods.”
“Right.”
She should have known he was talking about hunting. Even though he’d been in his fair share of scuffles on the football field in high school, he’d never intentionally hurt someone. Heck, he’d even been a humane hunter, claiming he’d never take down an animal that didn’t stand a chance.
He chuckled, gesturing to the seat of the truck. “Come on, let’s get you back. I’ve got a fair share of work waiting on me back at the office and a partner’s who’s probably about ready to take my head off by now.”
Ainsley looked disappointed when Shay walked back into the dealership alone. “What happened? Things didn’t go well?”
Shay smiled at their long-time receptionist, noting Ainsley had hung around just to pump her for information about her time with Chase. She headed into her office, not at all surprised when Ainsley followed and closed the door behind her.
“It went fine,” Shay assured her. “He’s going to buy the truck. In fact, he said he’ll drop the check off tomorrow.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it,” Ainsley said, pouting. “Come on, girl. Why are you holding out on me? I thought we told each other everything.”
“He wants to find our son,” she said softly, diverting her gaze as she sank into her leather swivel chair. “And he asked me to go with him when he meets him.”
“Oh, wow. How do you feel about that?” Ainsley sat on the edge of the guest chair across from her friend. “Don’t let him pressure you into anything, honey. If you don’t think you can do it, just tell him. I know he’ll understand.”
“I told him I wasn’t sure.” She slipped the one and only photograph she had of her son as a newborn out of her desk drawer. She wouldn’t have had it if Ainsley hadn’t snapped it when no one else was looking, thinking Shay might want it someday. “That I’d have to think about it.”
“So, what do you think you’re going to do?”
Shay took the lid off the glass container perched on the edge of her desk. It held their very favorite treat: M&M’s. She offered it to Ainsley before taking a handful for herself. “I honestly don’t know.” Since no one knew her better than her best friend, the person who had been there when she’d sobbed uncontrollably as they wheeled her son out of the room, she asked, “What do you think I should do?”
“I can’t answer that,” Ainsley said, wide-eyed as she popped one candy after another into her mouth. “Only you know what’s in your heart, hon. I know you still think about him every day. How could you not, right?”
“He’s almost fifteen, Ains.”
“I know,” she said, with a sad smile. “In high school.”
“High school. Agh.” Perching her elbow on her desk, Shay rested her forehead on her palm. “That means girls. He’s probably dating by now. He’s had his first kiss…” It pained her to think of all the firsts they’d missed, all the firsts they wouldn’t be there to witness as he passed the threshold from boy to man.
“If you don’t go to meet him and Chase does, won’t you always wonder? You know, what he looks like? What he would have said to you? What you would have said to him?”
“Yeah.”
“You know what my daddy always says, girl. It’s not the chances you take that you regret. It’s the ones you don’t take that haunt you.”
“You’re right.” Shay took a deep breath as she looked at the phone on her desk. “I’m going to call Chase now, before I chicken out.”
“I’m so proud of you for doing this,” Ainsley said, rounding the desk to give her one-armed hug.
“We’re assuming that he’ll want to see us, if Chase is able to track him down,” Shay said, her finger hovering over the keypad.
“What’s wrong?” Ainsley asked, standing upright. “You’re not having second thoughts, are you?”
“I just realized I don’t even have Chase’s number.”
“His cell number is the same as it’s always been.”
“Seriously?” Shay didn’t even have to try to remember it. It was as if those digits were permanently etched in her memory.
“Yeah, maybe he didn’t want to change it,” Ainsley said, crossing the small room. “You know, in case you or your son ever wanted to reach out to him.”
Shay considered that as she dialed the number with trembling fingers, hoping he would answer, at the same time wondering if it would be easier to leave a voice mail message letting him know she wanted to accompany him on an excursion that had the potential to change all of their lives.
“Hey,” Chase said. “What’s up, Shay?”
The number at the dealership hadn’t changed over the years either. Knowing that he’d remembered her numbers made her question all of the other things he remembered. “Um, I’m sorry to bother you. You’re probably back at work, aren’t you?”
“No worries. I can talk.”
She heard what sounded like a door closing, filtering out the sound of voices on his end of the line. “I thought about what we talked about, and um, I think I’d like to come with you. Assuming he wants to meet us.” It hurt her heart to acknowledge she didn’t even know the name his adoptive parents had given him.
“That’s great.” Chase sounded relieved. “I’ll get on this right away, see what I can find out. As soon as I can arrange a meeting I’ll let you know, okay?”
“Sure. Sounds good. Thanks.” She hung up before he could say anything more. Because she was quickly realizing Chase still had the potential to say and do things that turned her well-ordered life upside down.
Chapter Five
Chase was still sitting at his desk as he watched the sun dip lower in the sky, warning of impending nightfall. But he knew there was no point going home. He was too wired to sleep. The possibility of meeting his son within the next few days or weeks was making him too excited.
Even if the kid wanted to yell and scream at him, Chase didn’t care. He just wanted to see him, talk to him, tell him that he loved him and would always be there for him if he needed anything.
“Knock knock,” Ainsley said, tapping on Chase’s half-open door. “Is it okay if I come in?”
“Of course.” Chase closed his laptop before waving her over. “Come on in,” he said, standing to kiss her cheek before guiding her over to the distressed leather sofa in the corner of the spacious office. “Twice in one day. How’d I get so lucky?”
Ainsley smiled, looking uncharacteristically nervous as she bit her lip while her eyes darted around the room. Her gaze finally landed on a framed photo of him and Bryce hanging on the wall, standing on either side of a Grammy award winning singer who’d they guided to the catch of his life.
“I just wanted to talk to you about Shay. I know she told you she’d go with you to meet your son—”
“You don’t think that’s a good idea?” Chase asked, leaning back as he crossed his ankle over his knee.
“It’s not that I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Ainsley said slowly, as though she was choosing her words carefully. “Look, you know I love that girl like a sister.”
“And?”
“I know she seems strong, like she’s got it all together…”
“But?” Chase wasn’t used to timid Ainsley. He was used to the straight-shooter who always said whatever was on her mind, no matter the fall-out.
“This is her Achilles heel. You and that boy are her only weaknesses. You need to know that.”
Chase tried to process that bit of news. Especially since he would have said the very same things about himself, that Shay and their son were his only soft spots. “And you’re worried about how she’ll react if he’s angry or hostile towards her?” Chase didn’t want to cause Shay any more pain, especially since he was certain she’d already punished herself enough.
“Don’t tell me you haven’t considered that possibility.” She touched his leg gently. “I’m scared for her. Something like that could really set her back. You weren’t with her the months after the adoption was finalized. She was a wreck. She could barely eat or sleep. She cried all the time. Her parents actually thought about sending her away to some treatment facility to help her deal with the depression.”
“Of course they would,” Chase said, not even trying to hide his disgust. “That’s how they handle everything. Sweep it under the rug. Make it someone else’s problem, so they can go on pretending to be perfect, like nothing ugly ever infiltrates their little world.”
“I know how you feel about them,” she said, resting her back against the armrest as she nestled her bent leg between them. “But they do love her, Chase. They’re just misguided. They’ve tried so hard to protect her that they ended up almost ruining her life.”
“Almost?” he asked, arching a brow as he crossed his arms. “I’d say they’ve done a pretty good job of that. She gave her child up because of them. She broke up with me because of them. She’s not even doing what she loves for a living because of them.”
“I know it’s easy to blame them for everything that’s gone wrong in Shay’s life, but you need to know that she doesn’t. She was a teenager when she got pregnant with your son. She had no confidence in her ability to provide a good life for him. And as for her parents forcing you out of her life, I seem to recall you walking away without a backwards glance as soon as she told you she wanted to go ahead with the adoption.”
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