Asshole.
Finally, the text I’d been waiting for. It was sent as a group text to Jack and I.
Unknown Caller ~ Hey, it’s Sara. Jade is totally fine and cleared to leave. She doesn’t have a phone. It was lost in the fire. She’s shaken up and wants to go home to Bucktown. Cruz, she asked that you text me to let me know how you are. She said to tell you thank you for coming for her and she loves you. She will call you tomorrow.
What the fuck? I wanted to see her tonight, and she wanted to go home? To her dad’s? Did she blame me for being here?
Me ~ I’m all checked out and good. Tell her I want to see her. Make sure she’s okay.
Sara ~ It’s Jade. I’m fine. I promise. I love you so much. You saved my life. I just need to go home tonight, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow.
Jack ~ I’ll take Cruz home. He can come back tomorrow for his car. I don’t want him to drive. I’ll meet you at the house in an hour.
I didn’t respond because she didn’t want to see me, and looking like a desperate pussy on a group text with her father wasn’t high on my list. Adam and Lennon wouldn’t leave my side, and they hopped in the car with Jack and I, leaving their cars at The Dive as well. Or—what was left of The Dive. When we pulled up to the house, they both got out of the car, giving me a minute with Jade’s father.
“I know you’re worried, Cruz. But she’s stubborn. When she gets scared, she retreats. Just give her a day. She’s probably in shock. But I need you to know that I appreciate what you did for my girl.” His voice cracked, and he put his hand above his brow, shielding his emotion. “You saved her life.”
“She wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for me,” I said.
“Don’t do that to yourself. There were a couple hundred kids there. It’s a college hangout. Jade doesn’t blame you and neither do I. I’m thankful she was with you, and that’s the truth. Not many people would run back into a blazing fire, I know that first-hand. It was very brave of you to do so.”
My throat closed, and a lump formed in the back. I was fucking exhausted. Fucking drained. I gazed down at the blisters covering my palms.
“Thanks, Jack,” I said. It sounded like a fucking croak. I was struggling to keep it together.
He leaned in and pulled me into a hug. A fatherly hug. One I’d never shared with my own father. Steven Winslow didn’t do hugs. He preferred fist pumps.
I stepped out of the car and waved. Adam, Lennon, and I sat up most of the night trying to wrap our heads around what happened. Nothing made any sense.
I slept half the day away and woke up coughing with a pounding headache. I grabbed my phone and saw a text from Jade.
Jack Moore ~ It’s me, Jade. I hope you’re okay this morning. I want to stay in Bucktown this weekend. I just need to spend some time with my dad. I can’t thank you enough for what you did. You came back for me.
Me ~ Of course I did. Do you want me to come there? I need to see you and know you’re okay.
Jack Moore ~ Please don’t. I just need some time with Dad. I promise I’m fine. I love you.
A selfie came through. She looked worn and tired, with bags under her pretty jade gaze. This was what she was offering. A picture to prove she was okay. She didn’t want to see me. She blamed me for the fire. There was no other explanation. And I couldn’t really blame her for it. But I’d been there too. Shouldn’t we be comforting each other? Isn’t that what you did when you loved someone? I was done texting. I dialed Jack’s number.
“Hey.” Her voice sounded hoarse and tired.
“How are you?”
“Fine. Thanks to you,” she said.
“You and I both know you wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for me.”
“That’s not true. I wanted to be there. I would never blame you. You saved my life, Cruz,” she said, and I heard the tremble in her voice.
I ran my hand through my hair. Fuck. I didn’t want to upset her. She’d been through a lot. I’d never relied on my parents for support, but Jade and her father were very close.
“Okay. I get it. You need some time at home. I just miss you.”
When did I become such a fucking pussy? Oh yeah, the day karma made me its bitch for all the people I’d fucked over, over the years. This had to be payback.
“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay? I love you,” she said, and she broke on a sob.
Instinct told me there was more going on. But I wouldn’t push because Jade was a chick and even though I was acting like one, I didn’t truly understand all the emotional shit that girls experience. I’d never cared to before, but I sure as shit cared now.
“Love you too, More Jade.”
She hung up as soon as the words left my mouth. What the fuck was going on? Maybe her near death experience forced her to realize her boyfriend was a piece of shit.
“How are you feeling?” Lennon asked, dropping my car keys on the coffee table.
“Fine, how about you? Thanks for picking up my car.”
My brother was showing actual signs of maturity. He never did things for me. It had always been the other way around.
“No problem. I got you a tea. Might help your throat,” he said, handing me the white and green infamous coffee house cup.
“Thanks, son. You make me proud.” Sarcasm oozed, and we both laughed.
“Did you talk to Dad?”
“Nope, not today. Is he worried my cough is going to interfere with his plans?” I asked, leaning back on the black leather sofa and taking a sip of the warm tea.
Adam came in the house and dropped down on the couch. “Did you tell him?”
“Not yet,” Lennon said. His gaze bounced around the room. Anywhere but at me.
I moved to my feet. “What? Did you have a lapse? Did something happen?”
My brother rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Jesus, dude. No. Relax. AF Records wants to sign us. Apparently, he watched the first half of the show and he left after we performed the song you wrote for Jade. It’s exactly what he wanted to see. He said that’s the kind of music he wants us to write. Or you to write, I guess. He said it had heart.”
“I thought he said it had soul,” Adam said.
“Who the fuck cares. He liked it. Great fucking timing. The place nearly burned down, and we cheated death, but hey, we got a record deal. Let’s celebrate,” I said. My tone so flat no one could miss the disdain.
The irony was not lost on me. The song I wrote for Jade was the reason they were signing us. My love for the girl I didn’t want to leave was ultimately what would take me away from her. And right now, she was barely communicating with me. I couldn’t talk to her or come up with a plan.
“Listen, Luke talked to Dad. They’re going to let us finish the semester, okay? You’ll only have a year of courses to take online to graduate. We can make this work.”
My brother didn’t hide his desperation. And hell, I couldn’t fault the dude. Lennon was getting everything he ever wanted. Unfortunately, I was a piece of the puzzle. A necessary piece. And it would suck to mess this up for him. And now that it was actually happening, I knew I didn’t want to go. But I didn’t know how not to go.
I scrubbed a hand down my face. “Fuck. I’m not ready to do this.”
There. I said it. They’d both known it, but hearing me say it aloud was new.
“Maybe she’ll come with us,” Adam said because he knew Jade was the reason I didn’t want to leave. “You don’t know until you ask.”
“I can’t.”
Asking Jade to leave her scholarship and go on tour with me was a dick move. It would be asking her to give up her dream. Just like me refusing to go was like asking Lennon to give up his. They were the only two fucking people I really cared about, and either way I’d be hurting one of them.
“What if you just commit for one year, and we work on find
ing a replacement over the next twelve months,” Lennon said.
“Yeah, we’ll figure it out. My head’s pounding and I feel like shit. I need a nap,” I said before moving to my feet and heading down the hall.
Campus buzzed with talk of the fire. People stopped me on campus to ask if I was okay. Word had spread that I’d been one of the last ones out. Rumors were flying and I’d heard some crazy shit over the last few days. Adam heard someone say that I’d run back inside The Dive for my stash of drugs. Another rumor was that I’d gone back in for my girlfriend, and she and I had jumped from a third-story window. Yeah, The Dive was a one-story building. Shows you how fucked up the gossip mill was. People had doctor’s notes excusing them from class.
The Dive was facing all sorts of lawsuits and legal shit due to all the underage students that had been there and they hadn’t followed fire code laws. Half the building was burned to the ground, and people were asking where we’d perform next. We’d signed our deal with AF Records yesterday. I hadn’t even told Jade yet, because we were barely speaking. She’d replaced her phone and she sent me one text a day.
One.
She never responded to me after I’d reply. I was on my way to meet her now and I wanted to find out what the fuck was going on. I hadn’t seen her since the fire, and I needed to know she was okay.
“Hey,” she said from a table inside a Starbucks near campus.
Why we were meeting here, I had no idea. Why not at my house? This kind of shit was for people who met on a dating app, not two people who’d been dating for months and were in fucking love with each other.
“Hi.” I sat across from her and she slid a cup toward me.
“I got you a caramel frap.” She smiled.
She didn’t lean over to kiss me. She was stiff and distant. Her jade gaze finally met mine.
“So, what’s going on? You’re barely speaking to me.” I was done playing games. Time to hash this out.
She shook her head. Dark circles covered the space beneath her eyes and her cheeks were sunken. What the fuck was going on?
“I just need some time, that’s all.”
“Some time for what? I was there too, Jade. I’m not cutting you off. Aren’t we supposed to lean on each other? Isn’t that what you do when you love someone? Or do you need to think about that too? Maybe you blame me for the fire?”
She sat up in her seat and frowned. “Is that honestly what you think? I promise you I don’t blame you. You saved my life. I’m so grateful for what you did for me. You ran back inside a burning building,” she said, and tears streamed down her grief-stricken face.
“And we’re both fine, baby.” I wrapped my hand over hers on the table. “I don’t understand what the fuck is going on.”
She pulled her hand away and used the cuff of her sleeve to wipe away her tears.
“I can’t explain it. Not right now.”
Explain what? We were both there. I know what happened was scary, but we both made it out. I want to shout at her, but I don’t. Something’s going on with her and that won’t help.
“Exiled signed with AF Records. We’re going on tour as soon as the semester ends,” I said, sitting back in my chair and waiting for any kind of reaction.
She nodded, and more tears streamed down her face.
“So, you’re leaving.”
“I don’t know what the fuck to do, because my girlfriend won’t talk to me.”
“You always have me. I just need some time to process everything, you know? It’s how I deal with things.”
“How much time, Jade?”
“I don’t know. Does it really matter? You’re leaving anyway,” she said, pushing to her feet and swiping at the liquid streaming down her cheeks.
“Really? That’s it?” I sounded like a whiny little bitch, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Well, you haven’t asked me to go with you. Did you know Adam asked Tory to go with him?” she said, and now she’s angry.
Jesus Christ. She’s all over the fucking map here. She wasn’t even talking to me and now she’s pissed I didn’t ask her to go with me?
“Are you serious? You aren’t even fucking speaking to me, but you’re mad I didn’t ask you to give up everything you’ve worked for to go with me? Sorry I’m not a fucking selfish prick.”
She turned on her heels and walked out the door. I don’t go after her. I’m always fucking going after her. Halloween night and the night of the fire and since—I’m always chasing this girl. It’s her turn to tell me what the fuck is wrong. A sick feeling settles in my stomach. The fear that if I don’t chase after her this time, she might never come back.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jade
I spent the morning with Mom’s journal. She’d started these journals when she was sixteen and wrote in them daily up until the day before she died. I’m grateful because they show me a side of her that I wasn’t able to know in the short time I had with her. She was wise, and honest, and strong. Some of her journal entries have helped guide me through challenges in my life. She somehow managed to be there for me, even when she wasn’t physically here. I guess that’s the gift of a mom, right? They always find a way to protect their babies. It was instinctual. Well, I needed her more than ever right now. I couldn’t remember a time that I’d ever felt so lost and alone. I knew it wasn’t logical, because I had people who loved me, yet I felt painfully alone.
“I wish you were here, Mom,” I whispered before pressing my back against the headboard in my room. I’d been staying in Bucktown since the fire happened, and today I was going back to the dorm. It was time. If I didn’t get back to my regular life, it was going to raise questions that I didn’t want to answer. I spent the next hour getting caught up in Mom’s journal. Which somehow comforted me.
April 17th
I never thought college exams could be this stressful. Mom and Dad don’t understand how much work this is. They expect a lot from me. I swear someday when I have a kid, I’ll be more understanding. Professor Hagglen is not curving the final, and I need to get an A in this class. There just aren’t enough hours in the day.
On a better note, Jack is amazing. He brings me sweet little treats to the library when I’m studying. I never knew I could love someone this much. He’s sweet, and funny, and smart. He totally gets me. Not sure how I got so lucky, but I’m not complaining.
Okay, signing off for now. I have so much homework to do.
Ciao for now, J.E.
I traced my finger over her initials. Jaqueline Edington. Hence my name—Jade Edington Moore. My mom chose it because she and Dad both had names that started with a J. She liked Jade because it’s considered the luckiest gemstone and symbolizes compassion and wisdom and a whole lot of other hoopla I always forget. She wanted her maiden name to be my middle name so that I would always have a piece of both of them with me. It didn’t hurt that my initials spell out JEM, because Mom thought it was a sign that I was a gem. Yes, the spelling is wrong, I’ve never understood it. But I appreciated the thought that went into naming me.
I didn’t feel lucky right now though. I closed her journal and zipped up my duffle bag before heading downstairs.
“Good morning, Jady bug,” Dad said from the kitchen sink.
“Hey Dad. You heading to work?”
“Yep. Can I talk to you for a minute before I go?” he asked.
“Sure.”
Our kitchen is old and dated, but it felt like home. Spanish tiles and an old wooden farmhouse table filled the space. It always smelled like coffee and garlic to me, but it had become a scent I found comforting.
“It’s been two weeks since the fire. You doing okay with everything?”
I’d been commuting from school to home every day. I didn’t want to be at school. I didn’t like the person I saw when I looked in the mirror right now, and she was easi
er to look at in my safe cocoon at home where I wasn’t reminded of what I’d done. Maybe I just didn’t want to face Cruz. Didn’t want to tell him the truth. Sure, the fire was scary, terrifying even. But the other thing—I couldn’t say it aloud. I didn’t want to think about it. I was drowning in shame. I wasn’t that girl.
The girl who got knocked up at nineteen.
I knew better. I had a lifetime of dreams to chase. My irresponsibility almost changed the lives of three people. Me. Cruz. And the child we’d never know. I fought the tears that threatened and bit down hard on my bottom lip. The metallic taste caused my stomach to turn.
“I’m good.”
“You’re not good. If you don’t want to talk to me, you have to talk to someone. I know that you were trapped in that room and it was terrifying. Hell, I’ve been there. But you can’t just lock yourself away from everyone you love. It’s not healthy.”
He thought this was about the fire. Everyone did.
“I’m going to talk to Sara today. She’s coming over in an hour,” I said. It was kind of true, but not in the way he thought.
“Okay.” Relief flooded his features. “Good. The firehouse has therapists you could talk to as well.”
“No, I think talking to Sara will help.”
“Okay. I’m sure Ari and Cruz are missing you being at school,” he said.
They thought I was going through some sort of trauma after the fire. Which, in a way, I was. But not the way they believed. I knew I needed to get back to my regular life. But nothing was the same now. I was different. And Cruz was leaving to go on tour. We’d barely spoken since the day we’d met on campus. He was respecting my wishes, I guess. But what if I hadn’t lost the baby? I’d be a college dropout with a guy who left to go on tour with his band. How was this even my life? I didn’t recognize myself.
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