by Emilia Loft
Writ on paper what he was doing with the sheriff was scandalously wicked, a married man, a pillar of the community and him a servant of the Lord. But the part that troubled him most was how little trouble he had making it all fit nice and snug into his sense of moral equilibrium. Lisa and Evan were no more than brother and sister in their regard, and nearly the whole town knew it, so he was not luring a constant man away from his vows. Evan suffered as he did from the loneliness that had etched its way through their lives, but now, with each other, they could be happy, even though that happiness relied on secrets to survive. In the end they were better for it, that’s what he told himself at least, until the idle conversation started.
Evan had mentioned it, as he did most things, as a joke. A tease to ruffle Casper’s feathers just so he might have the pleasure of smoothing them back down in some delicious way. This one is shocked Evan Parker has finally made a friend. That one has never known a preacher to take such a focused interest in one of his flock. SParkeres about unmarried, that one, fine looking man that he is, what he needs is a lovely young thing to make him a husband.
Evan, knowing these people all his life as he did, knew with certainty that none of this gossip about the new preacher meant a one of them had any clue about what they were up to, they had simply exhausted themselves on all the other citizens and were just amusing themselves with a new bauble to turn over with their endless natter. But it made Casper anxious. He could talk himself into a cozy acceptance that his relations with Evan were not sinful, but he was smart enough to know that the rest of the town would not feel the same if they knew.
“They’ll send me away if they find out, if they don’t shoot me first.” He fretted, not for the first time.
“Now don’t you worry none,” the sheriff’s clever mouth trailing a line of distraction down the column of Casper’s throat. “Ain’t nobody gonna look at you cross eyed or they’ll have hell to pay with me.”
“I want to be good for them, do right by these folks –oh!” Evan smiled as he found the spot that never failed to curl Cas’ toes.
“You are good Cas, so fucking good.” And he accentuated this with a slow rolling grind of his hips. Cas moaned and needed a minute to find the thread of his conversation.
“You know what I mean. I mean –“ Evan hitched up Cas’ leg and slid into him smooth as silk. Casper was still loose and slick with oil and come from earlier. Evan knew he won that round when Cas’ eyes rolled back in his head and he melted into the mattress.
“Someone will find out eventually.” Starting up again when they had finished as if they weren’t two piles of twitching muscle covered in sweat.
“Well then,” Evan propped his head in his hand to look down at the preacher’s face, still too fuzzy with bliss to look concerned. “Maybe you just get yerself hitched, that’ll stop the tongue waggin’.”
“Married?” Casper was appalled, “Evan I can’t marry someone just to throw off possible suspicion about us, it would be wholly wrong.” Evan shrugs as much as his position allows.
“Married men seek out some extra comfort all the time, Ellen’s got a healthy business to prove it. ‘Sides, might be nice, could have some kids, put down roots…” There’s something else behind those words, Casper can hear it in their brittleness, in the way Evan can’t look him in the eye. He waits, for he’s figured out by now that sometimes Evan needs silence more than cajoling to draw him out. The man flops back down and stares at the ceiling, finding it too hard to look at Casper.
“I know, Cas. Alright?”
“Know what?”
“’Bout all them other churches, all the times you packed up an’ moved on. You ain’t stayed in one spot for more’n two years. Had a lot of broodin’ to get through when we got to town an’ you wasn’t speakin’ to me, so I got Ash to help me telegraph all the places you been, called in a lot of favors in a lot of towns, got a pretty good idea of how you ended up in Boston.”
Casper doesn’t know how to feel about this. He sighs. “I told you I wasn’t a very good preacher.” The silence hangs over them, saturated with the each other’s unspoken words. “You think I’m going to leave again.”
“I mean,” Evan does his best to sound casual “You always done it before, an’ not like there’s anything much worth stayin’ here for if you got the itch to leave again.”
Casper turns on his side, runs a cool hand up Evan’s chest, feels it fill with his breath. He still doesn’t look at Cas.
“And you think if I was married I’d be more likely to stay.” Evan just shrugs, so Cas kisses him. “I’d stay for you Evan, you’re more than worth staying for.”
But Evan only looks at him like he doesn’t believe it. “I want to be with you Cas, but you know I can’t leave Lisa, and if it’s gonna make you uneasy….”
“It does, but obviously not so much that I’ve stayed away from you. But if I were to marry, the circumstances would be different. My wife would expect things of me and I can’t….I couldn’t
divide my affection like that, sleep in two beds, I’m not made that way. If I were to marry, then this would have to end.”
They remained there for the rest of the hour, unsettled in each other’s arms and feeling as though nothing had been resolved.
* * *
June came and went without anyone much noticing. With the warmer weather, some folks tended to get a bit rowdy, so Evan found himself called upon more and more to exercise his position. But he came ‘round regular to see Cas, he built simple furniture for him so that the place began to look like more of a home.
The church was thriving. Casper was an excellent speaker and so personable that soon the straggling members that had wandered off from the fold found themselves back in the Sunday pews once more. He knew everyone’s name now, he knew their children’s names and who was sick and whose crops weren’t faring so well and who needed to borrow a penny for the collection plate this week so they could keep up appearances. The Miltons came ‘round and Casper could see the effort they put into makin’ sure their eldest daughter was always scrubbed bright and shining any time she was near him. He made sure to keep them at arm’s length.
By July Casper’s home was simple but complete, and the moment they lost this excuse for Evan to come over for long stretches of time, a prison break two counties over called Sam and Evan away for more than a week as they helped the marshal track down convicts. When he returned, things were different. There was less time for them, it was harder for Evan to get away, and so he came and went with the wind, oftentimes out the door again before the sheets had cooled. It began to eat at Casper.
Like today.
Casper ran the back of his hand down the brown fabric of Evan’s vest as the man yanked on his boots. He’s not sure Evan can even feel the caress, but that’s fine. How does he say it’s getting harder? The time between when Evan gets his hands on Casper to when he has to let go far too short when compared to all the rest of the day he needs to fill with the actions of a single man, waiting alone.
“I wish you could stay.” It came out well, steady with not a hint of whining desperation. Evan doesn’t turn around, the boots giving him issue.
“Lisa’ll be waiting, she wants me to take her into town later.” “I know.”
“Hey,” he finally looks down at his companion, still naked and sweat slick on the bed while he is fully dressed and making his leave. “I’ll try to come by tomorrow, maybe after breakfast if Sam will take the office, or maybe the day after.”
“Oh, well as long as it’s not an inconvenience for you.” The bitterness shoots through him like quicksilver and all gentle affection of a moment before is burned out of both of them at the words.
“Jesus Cas, what do you want? I got obligations you know, I can’t just leave everything to weed just so I can fall into bed with you!”
“You’re not the only one with obligations, but I’m the only one being asked to compromise!” He’s ramrod straight sitting up in the bed, s
tate of undress doing nothing to dampen his fury.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means I don’t like feeling as though I’m tacked onto whatever spare time you think to give me, take it or leave it! It means I would like you to treat me with a bit more respect than an unpaid whore!”
“Oh you’ve got to fucking be kidding me!” Evan’s up and digging hard fingers through his hair, grabbing his hat, jabbing it at Cas with the emphasis of his words. “You think we’re the same? We’re not the same Cas. I got bad men out there gunnin’ for me. I got a whole town that looks to me for protection. I got a family to look after, a boy to raise. I got every minute of my day took up by what someone else needs. And you – this wasn’t supposed to be like that!” Evan paces as he snarls. It makes him look hard and mean, it makes him look like the man he’d tried to tell Casper that he was and didn’t want to be. “We do this on my time because you don’t have to worry ‘bout nothing like that. What do you got? Write a little sermon once a week, visit the infirm? Pray?!”
“Take as much comfort as you must belittling my faith, but you have no idea what this costs me.” “Oh, well, God forbid fucking me hurts your delicate sensibilities, Reverend!”
He can hear every footstep as Evan stalked out of the room, down the stairs, out the door. He can hear the cruel snap of reigns on the horse’s flank, the reedy whine of the animal, its rapid progress out to the road.
Casper fell back on the bed, heels of his hands pressed to his eyes, unsuccessful at sealing in the hot tears. There’s a cricket in some corner of the room, chirping in the new quiet. A symbol of good luck. His breathing evens and the light gets softer, all to the maddening, unceasing trill of the insect. It’s easy to find, tucked into a bare corner. Casper considers crushing it, looks for his boot. In the end he scoops it up and tosses it gently out the window and wonders if it survived the fall and what that might mean for his kind of luck.
* * *
In every conversation it’s said, this summer is unseasonably kind. Casper gets this news most often, a surprise and a warning. Don’t get accustomed to such lush, cool days. You weren’t here for last year, the year before. Just wait till next year, just you wait.
He doesn’t mind the repetition, everything is a repetition now. Two solid months of sunrise to sunset, Sunday present to Sunday next. Anna visits him with her mother twice a week, teaches him to dance in preparation for the Founder’s Day festival in September while Jody sits on his porch sewing careful stitches into the quilt that will be put up for the raffle. He finds he enjoys her sweet company, she’s smarter than he gave her credit for on their first meeting and he apologizes to himself for being blinded to that by her pretty face and shy nature. Anna reveals herself to have a good deal of character and a wealth of conversation he’s found lacking in most of her peers. It occurs to him more than once, that if he ever were to put down roots here, start a family and become the steady, constant presence a real town preacher should be, she was as good an option as any. He visits her home some evenings for supper, others he visits with Meg and Bobby, though the old man always finds some excuse to slip out back to the safety of the barn. Meg doesn’t ask questions, they talk of the town and nothing more, but Casper feels that she knows somehow. Just that is a gift, just knowing he isn’t completely alone with this secret desolation. He doesn’t tell her how frequently he prays thanks for her friendship, she would just laugh.
Evan doesn’t come around anymore, doesn’t attend church, somehow finds a way to stay as far away from Casper as he can manage. The only reason he knows Evan Parker even exists is in the gossip of the town, which offers him nothing. The emptiness that remains bleeds the life out of himParkercan’t stand it anymore. This is worse than the first time, when he found out about Lisa. He ignores the part that waits for Evan to return. Was this to be their whole existence? Crashing together then rending apart, over and over? And there were no casualties now, but what happened a year from now, three? He considered leaving, considered it long and hard. But he had been moving from place to place running from his mistakes for too long. It was time for him to stand up, stop trying to find that place he fit in and make himself fit for once, finally do right by his calling.
The Founders Day festivities begin with a few words of blessing from him over the restless crowd as they jostle together in the open street. Everyone is scrubbed and pressed, there are lanterns waiting for nightfall and a dance floor erected next to the saloon, courtesy of the Harvelles. A motley band plays fiddle and drum while partners twirl and children race between their legs. Casper believes that by mid-day he’s danced with every lady in town. He’s passed along, and fed and regaled with stories of festivals past. And it’s not a hardship to smile for so long.
When night creeps in and the lanterns are lit, and the windows of every shop blaze yellow light into the crowded street, Casper takes Anna by the hand and leads her to a quiet spot. She blushes just like a girl should at the question, and whispers a solemn yes and runs off to find her family.
Casper leans against the wall of the post office, watching the bounce of her red curls in the circle of her happy family. He doesn’t see the man watching him from the upper window across the street, Casper hadn’t even realized he’d made his declaration in view of the jailhouse. He stands there a long while, watching the happy faces around him move from shadow into light. His heart feels hollow, his fingers cold. He tells himself the numbness is just nerves, that this right here is progress and he should be content. He’s finally behaving like a proper reverend, one these good people deserve.
This was best for everyone.
Anna returns and he kisses her cheek, taking his leave with a promise to call on her in the morning. He’d walked here with company, and now walks home alone, unaware of the green eyes still watching him from a darkened window above the street.
* * *
“This is getting to be a real bad habit Evan.”
“That’s some mighty fine disappointment you got there, Sammy. You’re gonna make a right nice mother to that kid of yours.”
Evan lay sprawled out on the sofa of his office. It was dark with the curtains drawn and stank of booze filtered through sweat.
“So enlighten me,” choosing to ignore his brother’s jibe. He could tell from the flat hardness in the set of Evan’s glare that giving in would end in bruises and quite possibly a few broken bones. “Did you get yourself this drunk because you have to go collect the other preacher? Or is it so you don’t have to?”
“Fuck you Sammy, man’s allowed to have a little fun when he wants. World’s not gonna end if the esteemed Reverend Gilroy gets here late for the ceremony.”
“You got a hell of a depressing way of havin’ fun. Fine, sulk in here like a child, I’ll send Garth.”
Evan cracks an ugly smile that makes Sam think immediately of their father and sends a shiver down his spine. “Garth’s in Maple Ridge till Friday, looks like yer out of luck.”
“It is Friday you jackass. He got back this morning, which you’d know if you took one step out of this room all week.” That snaps Evan out of it for a moment, but he settles back down at a thought.
“Alrighty, send Garth, seein’ as I’m not good for much at the moment. That’s a touchy bit of road there, mighty big shame if something happened.”
Sam is dumbstruck. “Are you….are you threatening to kill a preacher?!”
“Not threatenin’, just saying….or… whatever….fine hoping! That better Sammy? I promise not to
kill Reverend Gilroy.” Rolling his eyes like Sam is the one being unreasonable. “I can hope though.”
“Jesus Evan, get yourself together! He made his choice, there’s nothing more you can do except swallow yer tonic and be a goddamn man about it!” Evan pitches forward, head in his hands, breathing so hard Sam thinks for a moment that he might be on the verge of tears and this….this
scares him more than any of it. He’s never in his life see Eva
n cry. But the moment is gone, Evan sits up dry eyed, if a little red in the face and looks up at his brother with that steely blankness that Sam’s come to associate with Evan Parker doing right by his family. It melts all of Sam’s aggravation. “Look Evan, I understand how hard this must be so whatever you Parker
“Sam.” His voice gunmetal cool, the clip of it echoing surrender or draw. “What the fuck do you actually know, hmm? Name a single thing you’ve ever had to give up. You got to be with the woman you love, she’s gonna give you a child. You don’t have to live with the whole world thinking it’s wrong that you love her, and you damn sure don’t have to watch her marry someone else out of some fucked up sense of duty and so help me God if you say Lisa’s name I will break your fucking nose.”
The tension drags out, mostly from Sam picking over his words careful before showing them the light of day. “I’m on your side Evan. When you first told me about Cas….I don’t know, I thought
maybe you had just taken a shine to someone, stars in yer eyes an’ all that. But then I saw you two together, and you were just scowling at each other like a couple of rattlers but I got it. Clear as a bell. And as much as I really, really don’t want to think on it, when you two….got together….Evan I have never seen you so happy before, and I just…I didn’t care what you were getting’ up to cause