The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.)

by E. Oe. Somerville and Martin Ross

  THE GIRL FROM MERCURY

  AN INTERPLANETARY LOVE STORY

  _Being the Interpretation of Certain Phonic Vibragraphs Recorded by theLong's Peak Wireless Installation, Now for the First Time Made PublicThrough the Courtesy of Professor Caducious, Ph.D., Sometime Secretaryof the Boulder Branch of the Association for the Advancement ofInterplanetary Communication._

  BY HERMAN KNICKERBOCKER VIELE

  It is evident that the following logograms form part of a correspondencebetween a young lady, formerly of Mercury, and her confidential friendstill resident upon the inferior planet. The translator has thought itbest to preserve, as far as possible, the spirit of the original by theemployment of mundane colloquialisms; the result, in spite of manyregrettable trivialities, will, it is believed, be of interest tostudents of Cosmic Sociology.

  THE FIRST RECORD

  Yes, dear, it's me. I'm down here on the Earth and in our SettlementHouse, safe and sound. I meant to have called you up before, but reallythis is the first moment I have had to myself all day.--Yes, of course,I said "all day." You know very well they have days and nights here,because this restless little planet spins, or something of the sort.--Ihaven't the least idea why it does so, and I don't care.--I did notcome here to make intelligent observations like a dowdy "Seeing Saturn"tourist. So don't be Uranian. Try to exercise intuitive perception if Isay anything you can't understand.--What is that?--Please concentrate alittle harder.--Oh! Yes, I have seen a lot of human beings already, andwould you believe it? some of them seem almost possible--especially_one_.--But I will come to that one later. I've got so much to tell youall at once I scarcely know where to begin.--Yes, dear, the One happensto be a man. You would not have me discriminate, would you, when ourobject is to bring whatever happiness we can to those less fortunatethan ourselves? You know success in slumming depends first of all upongetting yourself admired, for then the others will want to be like you,and once thoroughly dissatisfied with themselves they are almost certainto reform. Of course I am only a visitor here, and shall not stay longenough to take up serious work, so Ooma says I may as well proceed alongthe line of least resistance.--If you remember Ooma's enthusiasm whenshe ran the Board of Missions to Inferior Planets, you can fancy her nowthat she has an opportunity to carry out all her theories. Oh, she'sgreat!

  My transmigration was disappointing as an experience. It was nothingmore than going to sleep and dreaming about circles--orange circles,yellow circles, with a thousand others of graduated shades between, andso on through the spectrum till you pass absolute green and get a toneor two toward blue and strike the Earth color-note. Then with meeverything got jumbled together and seemed about to take new shapes, andI woke up in the most commonplace manner and opened my eyes to findmyself externalized in our Earth Settlement House with Ooma laughing atme.

  "Don't stir!" she cried. "Don't lift a finger till we are sure yourspecific gravity is all right." And then she pinched me to see if I wasdense enough, because the atmosphere is heavier or lighter or somethinghere than with us.

  I reminded her that matter everywhere must maintain an absoluteequilibrium with its environment, but she protested.

  "That's well enough in theory; you must understand that the Earth isawfully out of tune at present, and sometimes it requires time toreadjust ourselves to its conditions."

  --I did not say so, but I fancy Ooma may have been undergoingreadjustment.--My dear, she has grown as pudgy as a Jupitan, and herclothes--but then she always did look more like a spiral nebula thananything else.

  (_The record here becomes unintelligible by reason of the passage of athunderstorm above the summit of Long's Peak._)

  --There must be star-dust in the ether.--I never had to concentrate sohard before.--That's all about the Settlement House, and don't accuse meagain of slighting details. I'm sure you know the place now as well asOoma herself, so I can go on to tell what little I have learned abouthuman beings.

  It seems I am never to admit that I was not born on Earth, for, like allprovincials, the humans pride themselves on disbelieving everythingbeyond their own experience, and if they understood they would becertain to resent intrusions from another planet. I'm sure I don't blamethem altogether when I recall those patronizing Jupitans.--And I'm toldthey are awfully jealous and distrustful even of one another, herdingtogether for protection and governed by so many funny little tribalcodes that what is right on one side of an imaginary boundary may bewrong on the other.--Ooma considers this survival of the group-soul mostinteresting, and intends to make it the subject of a paper. I mention itonly to explain why we call our Settlement a Boarding-House. ABoarding-House, you must know, is fundamentally a hunting packwhich one can affiliate with or separate from at will.--Rather apale yellow idea, isn't it? Ooma thinks it necessary to conformto it in order to be considered respectable, which is the one thingon Earth most desired.--What, dear?--Oh, I don't know what it meansto be respectable any more than you do.--One thing more. You'll haveto draw on your imagination! Ooma is called here Mrs. Bloomer.--Her ownname was just a little too unearthly. Mrs. signifies that a woman ismarried.--What?--Oh, no, no, no, nothing of the sort.--But I shall haveto leave that for another time. I'm not at all sure how it is myself.

  By the way, if _any one_ should ask you where I am, just say I've leftthe planet, and you don't know when I shall be back.--Yes, you know whoI mean.--And, dear, perhaps you might drop a hint that I detest allforeigners, especially Jupitans.--Please don't laugh so hard; you'll getthe atmospheric molecules all woozy.--Indeed, there's not the slightestdanger here. Just fancy, if you please, beings who don't know when theyare hungry without consulting a wretched little mechanism, and whomeasure their radius of conception by the length of their own feet.--Ofcourse I shall be on hand for the Solstice! I wouldn't miss that for anasteroid!--Oh, did I really promise that? Well, I'll tell you about hi-manother time.

  THE SECOND RECORD

  THOUGH PROBABLY THIRD COMMUNICATION

  --I really must not waste so much gray matter, dear, over unimportantdetails. But I simply had to tell you all about my struggles with theclothes. When Ooma came back, just as I had mastered them with the aidof her diagrams, the dear thing was so much pleased she actually huggedme, and I must confess the effect made me forget my discomfort. Really,an Earth girl is not so much to be pitied if she has becoming dresses towear. As you may be sure I was anxious to compare myself with others, Iwas glad enough to hear Ooma suggest going out.

  "Come on," she said, executively, "I have only a half-hour to devote toyour first walk. Keep close beside me, and remember on no account toeither dance or sing."

  "But if I see others dancing may I not join them?" I inquired.

  "You won't see anybody dancing on Broadway," she replied, a triflesnubbily, but I resolved to escape from her as soon as possible and findout for myself.

  I shall never forget my shock on discovering the sky blue instead of thecolor it should be, but soon my eyes became accustomed to the change. Infact, I have not since that first moment been able to conceive of thesky as anything but blue. And the city?--Oh, my dear, my dear, I neverexpected to encounter anything so much out of key with the essentialeuphonies. Of course I have not traveled very much, but I should saythere is nothing in the universe like a street they callBroadway--unless it be upon the lesser satellite of Mars, where the poorpeople are so awfully cramped for space. When I suggested this to Oomashe laughed and called me clever, for it seems there is a traditionthat a mob of meddling Martians once stopped on Earth long enough togive the foolish humans false ideas about architecture and many othermatters. But I soon forgot everything in my interest in the people. Sucha poor puzzle-headed lot they are. One's heart goes out to them at onceas they push and jostle one another this way and that, with noconceivable object other than to get anywhere but where they are in theshortest time possible. One longs to help them; to call a halt upontheir senseless struggles; to reason with them and explain how all thepsychic force they waste might, if exerted in constr
uctive thought,bring everything they wish to pass. Mrs. Bloomer assures me they onlyridicule those who venture to interfere, and it will take at least aSaturn century to so much as start them in the right direction. Oursettlement is their only hope, she says, and even we can help them onlyindirectly.

  Not long ago, it appears, they had to choose a King or Mayor, orwhatever the creature is called who executes their silly laws, and ourpeople so manipulated the election that the choice fell on one of us.

  I thought this a really good idea, and supposed, of course, we must atonce have set about demonstrating how a planet should be managed. Butno! that was not our system, if you please. Instead of making properlaws our agent misbehaved himself in every way the committee couldsuggest, until at last the humans rose against him and put one ofthemselves in his place, and after that things went just a little betterthan before. This is the only way in which they can be taught. But, dearme, isn't it tedious?

  Of course, I soon grew anxious for an exchange of thought with almostany one, but it was a long while before I discovered a single person whowas not in a violent hurry. At last, however, we came upon a humandrawn apart a little from the throng, who stood with folded arms,engaged apparently in lofty meditation. His countenance was amiable,although a little red.

  Saying nothing to Ooma of my purpose, I slipped away from her, andlooking up into the creature's eyes inquired mentally the subject of histhoughts; also, how he came to be so inordinately stout, and why he worebright metal buttons on his garment. But my only answer was a stupidblink, for his mentality seemed absolutely incapable of receivingsuggestions not expressed in sounds. I observed farther that his aurainclined too much toward violet for perfect equipoise.

  "G'wan out of this, and quit yer foolin'," he remarked, missing mymeaning altogether.

  Of course I spoke then, using the human speech quite glibly for a firstattempt, and hastened to assure him that though I had no idea offooling, I should not go on until my curiosity had been satisfied. Butjust then Ooma found me.

  "My friend is a stranger," she explained to the brass-buttoned man.

  "Then why don't you put a string to her?" he asked.

  I learned later that I had been addressing one of the public jestersemployed by the community to keep Broadway from becoming intolerablydull.

  "But you must not speak to people in the street," said Ooma, "not evento policemen."

  "Then how am I to brighten others' lives?" I asked, more than a littledisappointed, for several humans hurrying past had turned upon me looksindicating moods receptive of all the brightening I could give.

  I might have amused myself indefinitely, studying the rapid successionof varying faces, had not Bloomer cautioned me not to stare. She saidpeople would think me from the country, which is considereddiscreditable, and as this reminded me that I had as yet seen nothinggrowing, I asked to be shown the gardens and groves.

  "There is one," she said, indicating an open space not far away, wheresure enough there stood some wretched looking trees which I had notrecognized before, forgetting that, of course, leaves here must begreen. I saw no flowers growing, but presently we came upon some in asort of crystal bower guarded by a powerful black person. I wanted so toask him how he came to be black, but the memory of my last attempt atinformation deterred me. Instead, I inquired if I might have some roses.

  "Walk in, Miss," he replied most civilly, and in I walked through thedoor, past the sweetest little embryonic, who wore the vesture of ayoung policeman.

  "Boy," I said, "have you begun to realize your soul?"

  "Nope," he replied. "I ain't in fractions yet."

  --Some stage of earthly progress, I suppose, though I did not like acertain movement of his eyelid, and one never can tell, you know, howhard embryonics are really striving. So I made haste to gather all theroses I could carry, and was about to hurry after Ooma, when a personbarred my way.

  "Hold on!" he cried. "Ain't you forgetting something? Why don't you takethe whole lot?"

  "Because I have all I want for the present," I answered, ratherfrightened, perceiving that his aura had grown livid, and I don't knowhow I could have soothed him had not Ooma once more come to my relief. Icould see that she was annoyed with me, but she controlled herself andplaced some token in the being's hand which acted on his agitation likea charm.

  As I told you, Bloomer had given me with the other things, a crown ofartificial roses which, now that I had real flowers to wear, I wanted tothrow away, but this she would not permit, insisting that such aproceeding would make the humans laugh at me--though to look into theirserious faces one would not believe this possible. The thoughts of thoseabout me, as I divined them, seemed anything but jocular. They came tome incoherent and inconsecutive, a jumble of conditional premisesleading to approximate conclusions expressed in symbols having nointrinsic meaning.--Of course, it is unfair to judge too soon, but Ihave already begun to doubt the existence of direct perception amongthem.--What did you say, dear?--Bother direct perception?--Well, Iwonder how _we_ should like to apprehend nothing that could not be putinto words? You, I'm sure, would have the most confused ideas aboutEarthly conditions if you depended entirely upon my remarks.--Nowconcentrate, and you shall hear something really interesting.

  --No, not the One yet.--He comes later.--

  We had not gone far, I carrying my roses, and Bloomer not too wellpleased, as I fancied, because so many people turned to look at us(Bloomer has retrograded physically until she is at times almostUranian, probably as the result of wearing black, which appears to bethe chromatic equivalent of respectability), when suddenly I becamesensible of a familiar influence, which was quite startling because sounexpected. Looking everywhere, I caught sight of--who do you suppose?Our old friend Tuk.--Mr. Tuck, T-u-c-k here, if you please. He was aboutto enter a--a means of transportation, and though his back was towardsme, I recognized that drab aura of his at once, and projected areactionary impulse which was most effective.

  In his surprise he was for the moment in danger of being trampled uponby a rapidly moving animal.--Yes, dear, I said "animal."--I don't knowand I don't consider it at all important. I do not pretend to befamiliar with mundane zooelogy.--Tuck declared himself delighted to seeme, and so I believe he was, though he controlled his radiations in thesupercilious way he always had. But upon one point he did not leave melong in doubt. Externally, at least, my Earthly Ego is a--

  (NOTE: _The word which signifies a species of peach or nectarinepeculiar to the planet Mercury is doubtless used here in a symbolicsense._)

  --I caught on to that most interesting fact the moment his eyes restedon me.

  "By all that's fair to look upon!" he cried, jumping about in a mannerhuman people think eccentric, "are you astral or actualized?"

  "See for yourself," I said, holding out my hand, which it took himrather longer than necessary to make sure of.

  "Well, what on Earth brings you here? Come down to paint another planetred?" he rattled on, believing himself amusing.

  "Now haven't I as much right to light on Earth as on any other bit ofcosmic dust?" I asked, laughing and forgetting how much snubbing herequires in the delight of seeing any one I knew.

  Then he insisted that I had a "date" with him.--A date, as I discoveredlater, means something nice to eat--and hinted very broadly that Bloomerneed not wait if she had more important matters to attend to. I mustconfess she did not seem at all sorry to have me taken off her hands,for after cautioning me to beware of a number of things I did not somuch as know by name, she shot off like a respectable old aerolite witha black trail streaming out behind. If she remains here much longer shewill be coming back upon a mission to reform _us_. As for Tuck, hebecame insufferably patronizing at once.

  "Well, how do you like the Only Planet? and how do you like the OnlyTown? and how do you like the Only Street?" he began, waving his handsand looking about him as though there were anything here that one of_us_ could admire. But, of course, I refused to gratify him with mycrude impressions.
I simply said:

  "You appear very well pleased with them yourself."

  "And so will you be," he replied, "when you have realized theirpossibilities. Remark that elderly entity across the street. I have tobut exert my will that he shall sneeze and drop his eyeglasses, andbehold, there they go."--Yes, my dear, eyeglasses. They are worn on thenose by people who imagine they can not see very well.

  "I consider such actions cruel and unkind," I said, at the same timewilling an embryonic girl to pick the glasses up, and though the childwas rather beyond my normal circle, I was delighted to see her obey. ButI have an idea Tuck regretted an experiment which taught me something Imight not have found out, at least for a while.

  I had now been on Earth several hours, and change of atmosphere givesone a ravenous appetite. You see, I had forgotten to ask Ooma how, andhow often, humans ate, so when Tuck suggested breakfast as a form ofentertainment I put myself in sympathy with the idea at once. Besides itis most important to know just where to find the things you want, andyou may be sure I made a lot of mental notes when we came, as presentlywe did, to a tower called Astoria.

  I understand that the upper portions of the edifice are used for studyof the Stars, but we were made welcome on the lower story by a statelybeing, who conducted us to honorable seats in an inner court. There weresmall trees growing here, green, of course, but rather pretty for allthat; the people, gathered under their shade in little groups, were muchmore cheerful and sustaining than any I had seen so far, and anelemental intelligence detailed to minister to our wants seemedwell-trained and docile.

  "Here you have a glimpse of High Life," announced Tuck, when he hadwritten something on a paper.

  "The Higher Life?" I inquired, eagerly, and I did not like the flippanttone in which he answered:

  "No, not quite--just high enough."

  I was beginning to be so bored by his conceit and self-complacency thatI cast my eyes about and smiled at several pleasant-looking persons, whoreturned the smile and nodded in a friendly fashion, till I couldperceive Tuck's aura bristle and turn greenish-brown.

  "You can't possibly see any one you know here," he protested, crossly.

  "All the better reason why I should reach out in search of affinities,"I retorted. But after that, though I was careful to keep my eyes loweredmost of the time, I resolved to come some day to the Astoria alone andsmile at every one I liked. I don't believe I should ever know a humanif Tuck could have his way.

  Presently the elemental brought us delicious things, and while we atethem Tuck talked about himself. It appears he has produced an opera herewhich is a success. People throng to hear it and consider him a greatcomposer. At all of which, you may believe, I was astonished--just fancyour Tuk posing as a genius!--but presently when he became elated by thetheme and hummed a bar or two, I understood. The wretch had simplyactualized a few essential harmonies--and done it very badly. I see nowwhy he likes so much being here, and understand why his associates arealmost altogether human. I don't remember ever meeting with such deceitand effrontery before. I was so indignant that I could feel my astralfingers tremble. I could not bear to look at him, and as by that time Ihad eaten all I could, I rose and walked directly from the court withoutanother word. I am sure he would have pursued me had not the elemental,divining my wish to escape, detained him forcibly.

  Once in the street again, I immediately hypnotized an old lady, willingher to go direct to Bloomer's Boarding-House while I followed behind. Itmay not have been convenient for her, I am afraid, but I knew of noother way to get back.--Dear me, the light is growing dim, and I must bedressing for the evening. Good-by!--By the way, I forgot to tell yousomething else that happened--remind me of it next time!

  THE THIRD RECORD

  --Yes, I remember, and you shall hear all about it before I describe anevening at the Settlement, but it don't amount to much.--I told you howcross and over-bearing Tuck was at the Astoria tower, and of the meanway in which he restricted my observations. Well, of all the people inthe grove that day there was only one whom I could see without beingcriticized, and he sat all alone and facing me, just behind Tuck's back.Some green leaves hung between us, and whenever I moved my head to notewhat he was doing he moved his, too, to look at me. He seemed so lonelythat I was sorry for him, but his atmosphere showed him to be neithersullen nor Uranian, and I could not help it if I was just a little bitresponsive. Besides, Tuck, once on the subject of his opera, grew soself-engrossed and dominant that one had either to assert one's ownmentality or become subjective.

  --No, dear, that is not the _only_ reason. There may be such a thing asan isolated reason, but I have never met one--they always go in packs. Iconfess to a feeling of interest in the stranger. Nobody can look at youwith round blue eyes for half an hour steadily without exercising someattraction, either positive or negative, and I felt, too, that he wastrying to tell me something which would have been a great deal moreinteresting than Tuck's opera, and I believe had I remained a littlelonger we could have understood each other between the trees just as youand I can understand each other across the intervals of space. But thenit is so easy to be mistaken.--I had to pass quite close to him in goingout, and I am not sure I did not drop a rose.

  --There may be just a weenie little bit more about the Astorian, butthat will come in its proper place. Now I must get on to theevening.--It was not much of an occasion, merely the usual gathering ofour crowd, or rather of those of us who have no special assignment forthe time in the large Council Room I have described to you.

  The President of the Board of Control at present is Marlow, Marlow theGreat, as he is called, the painter whose pictures did so much toelevate the Patagonians.--No, dear, I never heard of Patagonia before,but I'm almost sure it's not a planet.--With Marlow came a Mrs. Mopes,who is engaged in creating schools of fiction by writing stories underdifferent names and then reviewing them in her own seven magazines.Next, taking the guests at random, was Baxter, a deadly person in hishuman incarnation, whose business it is to make stocks fly up or tumbledown.--I don't know what stocks are, but they must be something veryeasily frightened.--Then there was a Mr. Waller, nicknamed the Reverend,whom the Council allows to speak the truth occasionally, while the restof the time he tells people anything they want to hear to win theirconfidence. And the two Miss Dooleys who sing so badly that thousandswho can not sing at all leave off singing altogether when they once hearthem. And Mr. Flick, who misbehaves at funerals to distract mournersfrom their grief, and a Mr. O'Brien, whose duty it is to fly intoviolent passions in public places just to show how unbecoming temper is.

  There were many others, so many I can not begin to enumerate them. Somehad written books and were known all over the planet, and some who werenot known at all had done things because there was nobody else to dothem. And some were singers and some were actors, and some were rich andsome were poor to the outside world, but in the Council Room they metand laughed and matched experiences and made jokes; from the one who hadbuilt a battle ship so terrible that all the other ships were burnt oncondition that his should be also, to the ordinary helpers who applaudstupid plays till intelligent human beings become thoroughly disgustedwith bad art.

  In the world, of course, they are all serious enough, and often knoweach other only by secret signs, while every day and night and minuteour poor earth-brothers come a little nearer the light--pushed towardit, pulled toward it, wheedled and trickled and bullied and coaxed, andthinking all the while how immensely clever they are, and what awonderful progressive, glorious age they have brought about forthemselves.--At all events, this is the rather vague compositeimpression I have received of the plans and purposes of the Board ofDirectors, and doubtless it is wrong.

  I suppose with a little trouble I might have recognized nearly everyone, but the fancy took me to suspend intuition just to see how Earthgirls feel, and you know when one is hearing a lot of pleasant thingsone does not much care who happens to be saying them.

  I fancy Marlow thought less of me w
hen I confessed that I am here onlyfor the lark, and really do not care a meteor whether the planet is everelevated or not. But he is a charming old fellow all the same, and theonly one of the lot who has not grown the least bit smudgy.

  Marlow announced that the evening would be spent in harmony with thevibrations of Orion, and set us all at work to get in touch. I loveOrion light myself, for none other suits my aura quite so well, and Iwas glad to find they had not taken up the Vega fad.--The light here? Mydear, it is not even filtered.--Some of us, no doubt for want ofpractice, were rather slow about perfecting, but finally we all caughton, and when O'Brien, no longer fat and florid, and the elder MissDooley, no longer scrawny, moved out to start the dance, there was onlyone who had not assumed an astral personality. Poor fellow, though Ipitied him, I did admire his spunk in holding back. It seems that as aneditor he took to telling falsehoods on his own account so often thatthe Syndicate is packing him off as Special Correspondent to a taillesscomet.

  Tuck never came at all; either he realizes how honest people must regardhim and his opera, or else the elementals at the Astoria are stilldetaining him.

  We had a lovely dance, and while we rested Marlow called on some of usfor specialties. Mrs. Mopes did a paragraph by a man named Henry James,translated into action, which seemed quite difficult, and then a personcalled Parker externalized a violin and gave the Laocoon in terms ofsound. To me his rendering of marble resembled terra-cotta until Ilearned that the copy of the statue here is awfully weatherstained.After this three pretty girls gave the Aurora Borealis by telepathicsuggestion rather well, and then I sang "Love Lives Everywhere"--justplain so.

  --I know this must all sound dreadfully flat to you, quite like"Pastimes for the Rainy Season in Neptune," but Bloomer says she doesn'tknow what would happen if we should ever give a really characteristicjolly party.

  We wound up with an Earth dance called the Virginia Reel, the quickestmeans you ever saw for descending to a lower psychic plane. That's all Ihave to tell, and quite enough, I'm sure you'll think.--What? TheAstorian? I have not seen him since.--But there is a little more, a verylittle, if you are not tired.--This morning I received a gift of roses,just like the one I dropped yesterday, brought me by the same smallembryonic I had seen in the flower shop. I asked the child in whoseintelligence the impulse had originated, and he replied:

  "A blue-eyed feller with a mustache, but he gave me a plunk not totell."

  I understood a plunk to be a token of confidence, and I at onceexpressed displeasure at the boy's betrayal of his trust. I told himsuch an act would make dark lines upon his aura which might not fade forseveral days.

  "Say, ain't you got some message to send back?" he asked.

  "Boy!" said I, "don't forget your little aura."

  "All right," he answered, "I'll tell him 'Don't forget your littleaura.' I'll bet he coughs up another plunk."

  I don't know what he meant, but I am very much afraid there may be somemistake.--Oh, yes, I am quite sure to be back in time for theSolstice.--Or at least for the Eclipse.

  THE FOURTH RECORD

  (NOTE: _Between this logogram and the last the Long's Peak ReceptivePulsator was unfortunately not in operation for the space of afortnight, as the electrician who took the instrument apart foradjustment found it necessary to return to Denver for oil._)

  --Yes, dear, it's me, though if I did not know personality to beindestructible I should begin to have my doubts. I have not made anymore mistakes, that is, not any bad ones, since I went to the Astoriaalone for lunch, and the elementals were so very disagreeable justbecause I had no money. I know all about money now, except exactly howyou get it, and Tuck assures me that is really of no importance. I nevertold Ooma how the blue-eyed Astorian paid my bill for me, and herperceptive faculties have grown too dull to apprehend a thing she is nottold. Fresh roses still come regularly every day, and of course I can dono less than express my gratitude now and then.--Oh, I don't know howoften, I don't remember.--But it is ever so much pleasanter to have someone you like to show you the way about than to depend on hypnotizingstrangers, who may have something else to do.

  --I told you last week about the picnic, did I not? The day, I mean,when Bloomer took me into the country, and Tuck so far forgave myrudeness to him as to come with us to carry the basket.--Oh, yes,indeed, I am becoming thoroughly domesticated on Earth. And, my dear,these humans are docility itself when you once acquire the knack ofmaking them do exactly as you wish, which is as easy as falling off alog.--A _log_ is the external evidence of a pre-existent tree,cylindrical in form, and though often sticky, not sufficiently so to beadhesive.

  --That picnic was so pleasant--or would have been but for Bloomer'sanxiety that I should behave myself, and Tuck's anxiety that I shouldnot--that I determined to have another all by myself--and I have had it.

  I traveled to the same little dell I described before, and I put my feetin the water just as I wasn't allowed to do the other day. And I built afire and almost cooked an egg and ate cake (an egg is the bud of a bird,and cake is edible poetry) sitting on a fence.--Fences grow horizontallyand have no leaves.--Don't ask so many questions!

  After a while, however, I became tired of being alone, so I started offacross some beautiful green meadows toward a hillside, where I hadobserved a human walking about and waving a forked wand. He proved thestrangest-looking being I have met with yet, more like those wild andwoolly space-dwellers who tumbled out when that tramp comet bumpedagainst our second moon. But he was a considerate person, for when hesaw me coming and divined that I should be tired, he piled up a quantityof delicious-scented herbage for me to sit on.

  "Good morning, mister," I said, plumping myself down upon the mound hehad made, and he, being much more impressionable than you would supposefrom his Uranian appearance, replied:

  "I swan, I like your cheek."

  "It's a pleasant day," I said, because one is always expected toannounce some result of observation of the atmosphere. It shows at oncewhether or not one is an idiot.

  "I call it pretty danged hot," he returned, intelligently.

  "Then why don't you get out of the sun?" I suggested, more to keep theconversation fluid than because I cared a bit.

  "I'm a-goin' to," he answered, "just as soon as that goll-darned wagoncomes." (A "goll-darned" wagon is, I think, a wagon without springs.)

  "What are you going to do then?" I asked, beginning to fear I should beleft alone again after all my trouble.

  "Goin' home to dinner," he replied, and I at once said I would go withhim.--You see, I had placed a little too much reliance on the egg.

  "I dunno about that, but I guess it will be all right," he urged,hospitably, and presently the goll-darned wagon arrived with anotherman, who turned out to be the first one's son and who looked as thoughhe bit.

  Together the two threw all the herbage into the wagon till it was heapedfar above their heads.

  "How am I ever to get up?" I asked, for I had no idea of walking anyfarther, and I could see the man's white house ever so far away.

  "Who said you was goin' to get up at all?" inquired the biter,disagreeably, but the other answered for me.

  "I said it, that's who, you consarned jay," he announced, reprovingly.

  When I had made them both climb up first and give me each a hand, I hadno difficulty at all in mounting, but I was very careful not to thankthe Jay, which seemed to make him more morose than ever. Then they sliddown again, and off we started.

  Once when we came to some lovely blue flowers growing in water near theroadside I told the Jay to stop and wade in and pick them for me.

  "I'll be dogged if I do," he answered; so I said:

  "I don't know what being 'dogged' means, but if it is a reward for beingnice and kind and polite, I hope you will be."

  Whereupon he bit at me once and waded in, while the other man, whosename, it seems, was Pop, sat down upon a stone and laughed.

  "Gosh! If this don't beat the cats," he said, slapping his knee, whichwas his
way of making himself laugh harder.

  I put the flowers in my hair and in my belt and wherever I could stickthem. But there was still a lot left over, and whenever we met people Ithrew them some, which appeared to please Pop, but made the Jay stillmore bite-y.

  Presently we came to a very narrow place and there, as luck would haveit, we met an automobile.--Thank goodness, I need not explainautomobile.--And who should be at the lever all alone but--the Astorian.

  I recognized him instantly, and he recognized me, which was, I suppose,his reason for forgetting to stop till he had nearly run us down. In amoment we were in the wildest tangle, though nothing need have happenedhad not the Jay completely lost his temper.

  "Hang your picture!" he called out, savagely, "What do you want?--TheEarth?"

  And with that he struck the animals--the wagon was notself-propelling--a violent blow, and they sprang forward with a lurchwhich made the hay begin to slip. I tried to save myself, but there wasnothing to catch hold of, so off I slid and--oh, my dear, my dear, justfancy it!--I landed directly in his lap.--No, not the Jay's.--Of course,I stayed there as short a time as possible, for he was very nice aboutmoving up to make room for me on the seat, but I am afraid it did seemfrightfully informal just at first.

  "It was all the fault of that consarned Jay," I explained, as soon as Ihad recovered my composure, "and I shall never ride in his goll-darnedwagon again."

  "I sincerely hope you will not," replied Astoria, looking at me with themost curious expression. "It would be much better to let me take youwherever you wish to go."

  "That's awfully kind of you," I said, "but I don't care to go anywherein particular this afternoon, except as far as possible from thatobjectionable young man."

  The Astorian did not speak again till he had turned something in themachine to make it back and jerk, and, once free from the upset hay, goon again.

  "Say, Sissy, I thought you was comin' to take dinner," Pop called outfrom under the wagon, where he had crawled for safety, and when Ireplied as nicely as I could, "No, thank you, not to-day," he saidagain, quite sadly as I thought, "Gosh blim me, if that don't beat thecats!" and also several other things I could not hear because we weremoving away so rapidly.

  When we had gone about a hundred miles--or yards, or inches, whicheverit was--the Astorian, who had been sitting very straight, inquired ifthose gentlemen--meaning Pop and Jay--were near relatives.

  I showed him plainly that I thought his question Uranian, and explainedthat I had not a relative on Earth. Then I told him exactly how I hadcome to be with them, and about my picnic and the egg. I am afraid I didnot take great pains to make the story very clear, for it was such funto perplex him. He is not at all like the Venus people, who have becomeso superlatively clever that they are always bored to death.

  "Were you surprised to see me flying through the air?" I asked.

  "Oh, no," he said; "I have always thought of you as coming to Earth insome such way from some far-distant planet."

  "Oh, then, you know!" I gasped.

  The Astorian laughed.

  "I know you are the one perfect being in the world, and that is quiteenough," he said, and I saw at once that whatever he had guessed aboutme he knew nothing at all of the Settlement.

  "Miss Aura," he went on,--he has called me that ever since that littleembryonic made his stupid blunder, and I have not corrected him--here itis almost necessary to have some sort of a name--"Miss Aura, don't youthink we have been mere acquaintances long enough? I'm only human--"

  "Yes, of course," I interrupted, "but then that is not your fault--"

  "I'm glad you look upon my misfortune so charitably," he said, a triflemore puzzled than usual, as I fancied.

  "It is my duty," I replied. "I want to elevate you; to brighten yourexistence."

  "My Aura!" he whispered; and I was not quite sure whether he meant me ornot.

  We were moving rapidly along the broad road beside a river. There werehills in the distance and the air from them was in the key of thePleiades. There were gardens everywhere full of sunlight translated intoflowers, and without an effort one divined the harmony of growingthings. I felt that something was about to happen; I knew it, but I didnot care to ask what it might be. Perhaps if I had tried I could nothave known; perhaps for that hour I was only an Earth girl and couldonly know things as they know them, but I did not care.

  We were going faster, faster every moment.

  "Was it you who willed me to come out into the country?" I asked. "Haveyou been watching for me and expecting me?"

  We were moving now as clouds that rush across a moon.

  "I think I have been watching for you all my life and willing you tocome," he said, which shows how dreadfully unjust we sometimes are tohumans.

  "While I was on another planet?" I inquired. "While we were millionsand millions of miles apart? Suppose that I had never come to Earth?"

  We were moving like the falling stars one journeys to the DarkHemisphere to see.

  "I should have found you all the same," he whispered, half laughing, buthis blue eyes glistened. "I do not think that space itself couldseparate us."

  "Oh, do you realize that?" I asked, "and do you really know?"

  "I know I have you with me now," he said, "and that is all I care toknow."

  We were flying now, flying as comets fly to perihelion. The world aboutwas slipping from us, disintegrating and dissolving into cosmic thoughtsexpressed in color. Only his eyes were actual, and the blue hills faraway, and the wind from them in the key of the Pleiades.

  "There shall never any more be time or space for us," he said.

  "But," I protested, "we must not overlook the fundamental facts."

  "In all the universe there is just one fact," he cried, catching my handin his, and then--

  (NOTE: _Here a portion of the logogram becomes indecipherable, owing,perhaps, to the passage of some large bird across the line ofprojection. What follows is the last recorded vibragraph to date._)

  --Yes, dear, I know I should have been more circumspect. I should haveremembered my position, but I didn't. And that's why I'm engaged to bemarried.--You have to here, when you reach a certain point--I know youwill think it a great come-down for one of us, but after all do we notowe something to our sister planets?--