He Shoots He Scores

by Tricia Owens

  The soft admission was a punch to Adrian’s gut.

  “How can you—how can you call yourself that?” he asked in disbelief. “You’re not a coward. You’re traumatized. Your last experience with getting hit nearly ended your career. Being worried that it’ll happen again is not cowardice. It’s called being a damn human being.”

  He held still, startled, as Neil reached up and cupped the side of his face. Adrian wanted to lean into the touch. He yearned so badly for Neil to need him.

  “A human being can’t play the game you want from me,” Neil told him with a tired smile. “I’m sorry, Adrian.”

  He unlatched the door behind him and spilled out of the car. Adrian cursed and fumbled with the door on his side. By the time he’d managed to tumble out and come around the car, Neil had run around the corner and disappeared.

  Chapter 12

  Neil didn’t know the city yet and ended up wandering aimlessly down the streets, not that there was much to look at with all the businesses closed. Lots of dark windows and darker alleys, the occasional homeless person and feral cat. Maybe not Seattle at its best, nonetheless he felt as though he were learning his new home from the ground up.

  Though why bother? This might not be your home for long. It’s risky to invest any emotions here.

  The inner voice raged at him as he walked.

  You wanted to be treated fairly and judged for your play on the ice, yet you acted like a diva. You hid behind your team and then you ran away from Adrian like a child.

  He paused in the alcove of a gift shop and stared at the pavement. Depression licked at his gut knowing that Adrian had been right about Neil’s motives in going to the gay district. He had been looking for an excuse to walk away from hockey. Deep down, he’d hoped someone or something would push him out of the sport so that the responsibility of making that decision was taken out of his hands. He could be a victim then, his dream stolen from him rather than him surrendering it because he was a coward. In that way he wouldn’t lose the respect of the thousands of fans who looked up to him.

  But what a spineless way to go out. It was the mindset of a man he never imagined he’d become. Why had hockey stopped being fun for him? When had it turned into a spinning wheel of dread and fear?

  He rubbed at his right arm. It was fully healed but like a phantom limb, the break seemed to linger. He’d taken one big hit. Just one. That was apparently all it took to rob him of his courage and his passion. He was ashamed of himself.

  A breeze picked up, dragging litter and leaves, their quiet rustle reminding himself he was out in a city that was mostly asleep. He pulled out his phone and called for a rideshare.

  Back in his apartment, he stripped out of his suit and checked his messages, finding the ones that his sister had sent him earlier in the evening but none from Adrian. He told himself he wasn’t disappointed.

  His first call went to Moira.

  “I’m home and I’m okay,” he told her.

  “Are you alone?”

  That gave him pause. “I didn’t tell you where I was so you could send someone after me.”

  “Ha! He came after you on his own. You’ve got a lot of explaining to do, brother dear. Someone forgot to inform me that Adrian Magnusson is gay.”

  He stopped breathing for a few seconds. “How do you know that?”

  “He told me in a pretty a badass move, I have to say. I approve. You have my blessing to marry him.”

  He palmed his face as he slid into bed. “Did he just, call you up and inform you that he plays for the other team? I don’t understand.”

  “Are you still drunk?”

  “No,” he gritted out, “I am not. Tell me what happened, Moira.”

  “He called me because he couldn’t get a hold of you. You were playing hide and seek with him, according to him.”

  “I needed time to myself,” he said.

  “And I get that. Tonight was a tough break. But life goes on, right? You’ve screwed up plenty of times before. I can remind you of each and every one, if you’d like.”

  “No thanks.”

  “Just checking.” Her voice held a smile. He could picture how bratty it was. “Anyway, like I said, he called me to ask if I knew where you were.”

  “How did the gay thing come up?” he asked impatiently.

  “I don’t know. He just sort of, threw it out there. I think he was trying to prove to me that he’s on your side. I may have been a little cautious in telling him anything. He’s your teammate, but he’s still mostly a stranger to me. I wasn’t sure what he wanted.” She snorted. “Turns out it’s your ass.”

  “Moira.” Neil sighed heavily as she laughed.

  “What? It’s true, right? Have you two gotten together yet?”

  “Nothing’s going on between us. We’ve talked and things. But nothing’s going to happen.”

  “Things. Mm-hmm. Gotcha.”

  “I’m going to bed. I just wanted to let you know I’m safe.”

  Her tone softened. “It’s going to be alright, Neil. Nothing’s ever held you back. This won’t either. And there’s definitely a positive to come out of this situation.”

  He reluctantly asked, “What’s that?”

  “We now know that Adrian cares.”

  ~~~~~

  He was just zipping up his gear bag the next morning when a knock sounded on his door. He knew without looking through the peephole who it would be.

  We now know that Adrian cares.

  He couldn’t agree one hundred percent with Moira’s assessment of Adrian’s motives. The Swedish winger had gone out on a limb for Neil in bringing him to the Kraken. Neil’s failure would reflect on him, too, so it was expected that Adrian would want to do what he could to make sure Neil remained a hockey asset. Also, there was Adrian’s hope that playing alongside Neil would increase his chances of winning the Cup. Neil was a tool in that sense, which was perfectly understandable. Adrian had a lot of selfish reasons for wanting to ensure Neil was okay last night and Neil didn’t begrudge him for any of them.

  Still, the temptation was there to believe Adrian had come after him for personal reasons. Neil didn’t want the danger that came with a relationship, but to be desired felt nice. It was a sunrise that could coax him to roll out of bed every morning no matter how dark the night had been. And to be wanted by a man as sexy and charismatic as Adrian Magnusson was a huge ego boost. Hockey skills aside, Neil felt more attractive when he was in the other winger’s presence just because of how much Adrian wanted him.

  But to indulge in that feeling was foolish while Neil was already in danger of becoming a laughing stock, a bust, a flameout. He didn’t need ‘he sucks because he’s gay’ added to the insults that could be thrown at him. So he had to view himself as a tool and Adrian as a man who was smart enough to utilize him.

  “You’re alive,” Adrian said with a wide smile when Neil opened the door.

  “Apparently.” Neil hesitated, then stepped back. “Coffee? Or juice?”

  “Nah, I’m good.” Adrian followed him inside. “Figured I’d give you a lift to practice and then drop you off at your car after.”

  Neil fiddled with his bag on the counter. “Thanks.”

  “No problem.”

  “No, I mean ‘thanks.’” Neil squared his shoulders and faced him. “You didn’t have to come check up on me last night. I appreciate that you did.”

  “Just looking out for a friend. Teammates stick together here. I told you.”

  “Maybe.” Adrian was giving him the option to play it off, but Neil didn’t deserve any more outs. “You called my sister. I doubt Elias or any of the others would have gone to that effort.”

  Adrian’s ever-present smile turned sheepish. The sun coming in through the apartment’s windows fell kindly across his face, turning the smile lines at the corners of his eyes into threads of gold. “I’m just a stubborn and nosy guy, I guess. Sometimes I go too far and butt in where it’s none of my business.” He chuckled. “Ki
nd of clingy that way, you could say.”

  “You told her you’re gay, implying that you’re aware that I’m gay.”

  “Yeah.” Adrian winced looked away for a moment. “I have to apologize for that. It was our secret and I didn’t have your permission to share it.”

  “My sister knows nearly everything about me. But she didn’t know about you.”

  “Well, I had to lay my cards on the table before she would trust me. She’s a good sister. If I were straight...” Adrian trailed off, his eyes twinkling playfully.

  “Hopefully you won’t have any further reasons to talk to her,” Neil said, resisting the other winger’s charm.

  “Ah, that’s a warning if I’ve ever heard one! Come on, Neil. You can’t picture me and Moira together? We’d make a cute couple.”

  Knowing that Adrian was only teasing didn’t diminish the jealousy that flared in Neil—which was just nuts.

  “What’s between us needs to stay between us,” he said carefully.

  Adrian seemed surprised by the statement, but it didn’t last long. He took a step closer to where Neil stood beside the kitchen counter. “Then you’re finally admitting that there’s an ‘us.’” When Neil didn’t react, Adrian slowly placed his hands on the counter on either side of Neil’s hips, caging him in. “I’m glad to hear it.”

  Neil kept still even though his lungs fluttered. He resented how strongly Adrian’s presence affected him because it illuminated how weak his own will power was. A mere whiff of Adrian’s aftershave made his pulse spike.

  Still keeping his carefully neutral tone, he said, “I’m saying if you have an issue with me, you come to me with it. If you can’t reach me, there’s a reason for it and you need to accept that.”

  “Ouch.” But Adrian didn’t look offended as he stepped back, allowing Neil to breathe again. “Fair enough, and I happen to agree. Last night won’t happen again. We’ll both make sure of it.”

  Neil grabbed his bag, relieved that Adrian wasn’t the type of man to drag him for his mistakes. “Agreed. Now let’s go.”

  “Bossy.” Adrian smirked and led the way out of the apartment. “I like it.”

  Neil shook his head, secretly pleased that things were back to normal between them, even if ‘normal’ remained more personal than he’d prefer. He liked Adrian and respected him. It was just too bad things couldn’t be simple between them.

  Down in the parking lot, he was relieved to see that Adrian had driven over in the Volvo. Seeing the other man’s Jeep and remembering how Neil had practically jettisoned himself from it would only bring shame tumbling down around his ears again.

  “Looking forward to the game tonight?” Adrian asked as he navigated traffic.

  “I am,” Neil said firmly. He’d learned a long time ago that visualization and positive reinforcement went a long way toward convincing himself of uncertain truths. “I intend to score the game winner for a change of pace.”

  “Fans love change,” Adrian teased. “I love it, too. Variety and all that. Different locations. Different positions—”

  “Different partners?” Neil asked archly.

  Adrian only grinned. “You already know the answer to that. I’m a one-man man.”

  Neil tilted his face up to the sun and let his eyes fall closed. “What if I never say yes to more?”

  “I’ll scrape together the shambles of my life and move on. I’d never force you or demand your attention, Neil.”

  “You don’t think you’re demanding my attention?”

  “You know what I mean. If this truly had no chance of working out, I wouldn’t push it. I’m not psychotic.”

  Neil glanced at him and found Adrian looking back with something close to yearning on his face. Neil had to look away, afraid of how that expression affected him. “Maybe not psychotic, but denial is powerful.”

  “Says the voice of experience.”

  That tugged Neil’s lips into a smile. “Touché.”

  “Good to see you smile, Neil.”

  Adrian was giving him a look which made him feel squirmy and young and shy. The last time Neil had felt that way he’d been genuinely young. Stupid, too, though he didn’t feel stupid now. He knew exactly what was going on inside himself. He couldn’t plead ignorance however much he wished to.

  Practice for that morning, since it was a game day, was only morning skate and optional again. Just like last time, Neil doubted his teammates would treat it so lightly. Walking with Adrian into the main break room, they encountered every player on the team scattered around the tables, partaking of the healthy breakfast buffet that the team’s chefs prepared for them every day.

  “Hey, guys.” Neil greeted the room with a cautious smile.

  He was encouraged by the ordinary reception the other guys gave him, no one making a big deal out of anything. He loaded up a plate with fruit and smoked salmon and grabbed a large bowl of yogurt. Adrian went heavy on the salmon and paired it with muesli and toast.

  “Looks like all the guys are on a mission,” Elias remarked as Neil and Adrian joined him and Bastion at a table. The Finn motioned at their teammates. “Not a single no-show.”

  “Because we should have won last night,” Neil said flatly. “If they’re like me, they’re eager to prove it with a dominating win tonight.”

  “Definitely,” Bastion said, nodding emphatically. He shoveled half of his omelet into his mouth and said around the mouthful, “I think it’s gonna be a blowout tonight. To send a message.”

  Neil nodded at the younger winger. “I think so, too.”

  Beaming, Bastion struggled to swallow before saying, “If I could bet, I’d put money on you potting the winning goal.”

  Neil sent Adrian a smirk. “That’s what I told him. Let’s see if I can make it happen.”

  “He’s going to be a puck hog all night is what that means,” Adrian said with a roll of his bright blue eyes. He elbowed Elias. “A thousand dollars if you keep the puck away from him tonight.”

  “I’ll double it if you keep it away from him,” Neil countered.

  “Sounds like I’m going to be in the money tonight.” Elias winked at Bastion.

  “You can take me out for steak,” the rookie said, his face lighting up.

  Elias immediately averted his gaze, becoming absorbed in pushing a strawberry back and forth across his plate. “Or, you can buy your own.”

  Neil discreetly looked between them, curious about the disappointment that Bastion quickly tucked away and Elias’ apparent intention of pretending his young teammate didn’t exist. Neil didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but something was going on. He hoped for their sake it wasn’t the same thing that afflicted him and Adrian.

  As each man finished up their meals, they made their way into the locker room to change. Practice jerseys were color-coded based on lines. Neil was caught off-guard by the strength of the relief that flooded him when he saw the familiar white jersey hanging in his stall, indicating he would be practicing on the first line with Adrian and Elias as usual. Secretly, he’d feared that he’d be dropped to a lower line, even though doing so would have created a huge public relations scandal. Neil vowed not to put the coaches in a position where such drastic action would need to be taken

  Out on the ice, everything felt normal and good. Skating had always been a way to escape from his concerns. The glide across the ice felt like flying. And when he began practicing stick work, juggling the puck from side to side, muscle memory kicked in, allowing him to feel fully in control and at ease.

  For a morning skate, typically only one or two coaches were in attendance, running a few light drills or assisting players with skills or system plays that they wanted to work on. Today, the head coach, Barkov was there. He put the team through full drills, as though this were a regular practice. Neil treated it just as seriously. He played the line rushes as though he, Elias, and Adrian were desperate to score, and was pleased to see his linemates match his intensity.

  He was gasping
for breath by the time the second break was called. Adrian tossed him his water bottle but after catching it, Neil skated a distance away from him, afraid of fanning the embers burning in the Swede’s eyes. Adrian got a rush from hard practices just as Neil did, but Neil wasn’t eager to start a fire with him. His focus had to be on tonight’s game.

  “Hey, Neiler.”

  A heavy shoulder bumped into him. It belonged to one of the fourth line wingers, Patterson.

  “What’s up, Patty?” Neil squirted water into his mouth while the bigger man wiped his bearded face with a towel.

  Patterson was the largest man on the team and formidable off the ice, too. His hobbies were boxing and amateur arm wrestling. When Neil had shaken his hand at Adrian’s apartment, Patty had nearly crushed it, and not even on purpose.

  “Just wanted to let you know that what happened last night doesn’t fly with me.” Patty’s shark-like, dark eyes bored into him.

  Neil stiffened, his spine drawing taut. He saw Adrian, in the corner of his eye, watching them as though deciding whether to intervene.

  “You have a problem?” Neil asked calmly. Though he’d been braced for this since the end of the game, his guts still clenched tight.

  “I do.” Patty moved, his bulk blocking out the rest of the team. “I should have made it clear to you before your first game what my role is on the team.”

  Neil held his gaze. “What’s that?”

  “I’m the enforcer.”

  Neil nodded slowly, warily.

  “I know I don’t have to explain it to someone like you, but I’ll say it for the record anyway: if someone messes with you, they’re gonna get pounded. By me. I’m second in the league in hits and third in penalty minutes.” He grinned, boasting a missing tooth. “And I like to fight. I like it a lot.”

  Neil raced to keep up. “I think I knew that.”

  His skates nearly slipped beneath him when Patty clamped a heavy hand on his shoulder pad.

  “The other teams are going to learn real fast to leave you alone, Neiler. I promise you. I’ll make sure of it. So don’t worry.” He winked, slammed Neil’s shoulder again jovially, and skated away.