Farnham's Freehold

by Robert A. Heinlein

  It came up, creaking. It swung suddenly because of the 30° out-of-plumb of everything, taking a nick out of Duke’s shin and an oath out of Duke.

  The hole was packed with provisions. The girls dug them out, Karen, being smaller, going down inside as they got deeper and Barbara stacking the stuff.

  Karen stuck her head up. “Hey! Water Boss! There’s canned water here.”

  “Well, goody for me!”

  Joe said, “I had forgotten that. This hatch hasn’t been opened since the shelter was stocked.”

  “Joe, shall I knock out the braces?”

  “I’ll get ’em. You clear out the supplies. Duke, this isn’t armored the way the door is. Those braces hold a piece of boiler plate against the opening, with the supplies behind it and the manhole cover holding it all down. Inside the tunnel, at ten foot intervals, are walls of sandbags, and the mouth has dirt over it. Your father said the idea was to cofferdam a blast. Let it in, slow it down, a piece at a time.”

  “We’ll find those sandbags jammed against that boiler plate.”

  “If so, we’ll dig ’em out.”

  “Why didn’t he use real armor?”

  “He thought this was safer. You saw what happened to the doors. I would hate to have to pry loose a steel barrier in that tunnel.”

  “I see. Joe, I’m sorry I ever called this place a ‘hole in the ground.’”

  “Well, it isn’t. It’s a machine—a survival machine.”

  “I’m through,” Karen announced. “Some gentleman help me up. Or you, Duke.”

  “I’ll put the lid on with you under it.” Duke helped his sister to climb out.

  Joe climbed down, flinching at the strain on his ribs. Dr. Livingstone had been superintending. Now he followed his friend into the hole, using Joe’s shoulders as a landing.

  “Duke, if you’ll hand me that sledge—Stay out of the way, Doc. Get your tail down.”

  “Want me to take him?” asked Karen.

  “No, he likes to be in on things. Somebody hold the light.” The braces were removed and piled on the floor above.

  “Duke, I need the tackle now. I don’t want to hoist the plate. Just take its weight so I can swing it back. It’s heavy.”

  “Here it comes.”

  “That’s good. Doc! Darn you, Doc! Get out from under my feet! Just a steady strain, Duke. Somebody hand me the flashlight. I’ll swing her back and have a look.”

  “And get a face full of isotopes.”

  “Have to chance it. A touch more—That’s got her, she’s swinging free.”

  Then Joe didn’t say anything. At last Duke said, “What do you see?”

  “I’m not sure. Let me swing it back, and hand me one brace.”

  “Right over your head. Joe, what do you see?”

  The Negro was swinging the plate back when suddenly he grunted. “Doc! Doc, come back here! That little scamp! Between my legs and into the tunnel. Doc!”

  “He can’t get far.”

  “Well—Karen, will you go wake your father?”

  “Damn it, Joe! What do you see?”

  “Duke, I don’t know. That’s why I need Hugh.”

  “I’m coming down.”

  “There isn’t room. I’m coming up, so Hugh can go down.”

  Hugh arrived as Joe scrambled out. “Joe, what do you have?”

  “Hugh, I would rather you looked yourself.”

  “Well—I should have built a ladder for this. Give me a hand.” Hugh went down, removed the brace, swung back the plate.

  He stared even longer than Joe had, then called up. “Duke! Let’s heave this plate out.”

  “What is it, Dad?”

  “Get the plate out, then you can come down.” It was hoisted out; father and son exchanged places. Duke stared down the tunnel. “That’s enough, Duke. Here’s a hand.”

  Duke rejoined them; his father said, “What do you think?”

  “I don’t believe it.”

  “Daddy,” Karen said tensely, “somebody is going to talk, or I’m going to wrap this sledgehammer around somebody’s skull.”

  “Yes, baby. Uh, there’s room for you girls to go down together.”

  Barbara was handed down by Duke and Hugh, she helped Karen down over her. Both girls scrunched down and looked.

  Karen said softly, “I’ll be goldarned!” She started crawling into the tunnel.

  Hugh called out, “Baby! Come back!” Karen did not answer. He added, “Barbara, tell me what you see.”

  “I see,” Barbara said slowly, “a beautiful wooded hillside, green trees, bushes, and a lovely sunny day.”

  “That’s what we saw.”

  “But it’s impossible.”

  “Yes.”

  “Karen is outside. The tunnel isn’t more than eight feet long. She’s holding Dr. Livingstone. She says, ‘Come on out!’”

  “Tell her to get away from the mouth. It’s probably radioactive.”

  “Karen! Get away from the tunnel! Hugh, what time is it?”

  “Just past seven.”

  “Well, it’s more like noon outside. I think.”

  “I’ve quit thinking.”

  “Hugh, I want to go out.”

  “Uh—Oh, hell! Don’t tarry at the mouth. And be careful.”

  “I will.” She started to crawl.

  4

  Hugh turned to his deputy. “Joe, I’m going out. Get me a forty-five and a belt. I shouldn’t have let those girls go out unarmed.” He eased himself down the hole. “You two guard the place.”

  His son said, “Against what? There’s nothing to guard in here.”

  His father hesitated. “I don’t know. Just a spooky feeling. All right, come along. But arm yourself. Joe!”

  “Coming!”

  “Joe, arm Duke and yourself. Then wait until we get outside. If we don’t come back right away, use your judgment. This situation I hadn’t anticipated. It just can’t be.”

  “But it is.”

  “So it is, Duke.” Hugh buckled on the pistol, dropped to his knees. Framed in the tunnel’s mouth was still the vision of lush greenness where there should have been blasted countryside and crater glass. He started to crawl.

  He stood up and moved away from the mouth, then looked around.

  “Daddy! Isn’t this lovely!”

  Karen was below him on a slope that ran down to a stream. Across it the land rose and was covered with trees. On this side was a semi-clearing. The sky was blue, sunlight warm and bright, and there was no sign of war’s devastation, nor any sign of man—not a building, a road, a path, no contrails in the sky. It was wilderness, and there was nothing that he recognized.

  “Daddy, I’m going down to the creek.”

  “Come here! Where’s Barbara?”

  “Up here, Hugh.” He turned and saw her up the slope, above the shelter. “I’m trying to figure out what happened. What do you think?”

  The shelter sat cocked on the slope, a huge square monolith. Dirt clung to it save where the tunnel had cracked off and a jagged place where the stairwell had been. The armor door was exposed just above him.

  “I don’t think,” he admitted.

  Duke emerged, dragging a rifle. He stood up, looked around, and said nothing.

  Barbara and Karen joined them. Dr.-Livingstone-I-Presume came bounding up to tag Hugh on the ankle and dash away. Obviously the Persian gave the place full approval; it was just right for cats.

  Duke said, “I give up. Tell me.”

  Hugh did not answer. Karen said, “Daddy, why can’t I go down to the creek? I’m going to take a bath. I stink.”

  “It won’t hurt you to stink. I’m confused. I don’t want to be confused still more by worrying about your drowning—”

  “It’s shallow.”

  “—or eaten by a bear, or falling in quicksand. You girls go inside, arm yourselves, and then come out if you want to. But stick close and keep your eyes peeled. Tell Joe to come out.”

  “Yes, sir.” The girl
s went.

  “What do you think, Duke?”

  “Well… I reserve my opinion.”

  “If you have one, it’s more than I have. Duke, I’m stonkered. I planned for all sorts of things. This wasn’t on the list. If you have opinions, for God’s sake spill them.”

  “Well—This looks like mountain country in Central America. Of course that’s impossible.”

  “No point in worrying about whether it’s possible. Suppose it was Central America. What would you watch for?”

  “Let me see. Might be cougars. Snakes certainly. Tarantulas and scorpions. Malaria mosquitoes. You mentioned bears.”

  “I meant bears as a symbol. We’re going to have to watch everything, every minute, until we know what we’re up against.”

  Joe came out, carrying a rifle. He kept quiet and looked around. Duke said, “We won’t starve. Off to the left down by the stream.”

  Hugh looked. A dappled fawn, hardly waist high, was staring at them, apparently unafraid. Duke said, “Shall I drop it?” He raised his rifle.

  “No. Unless you are dead set on fresh meat.”

  “All right. Pretty thing, isn’t it?”

  “Very. But it’s no North American deer I ever saw. Duke? Where are we? And how did we get here?”

  Duke gave a lopsided grin. “Dad, you appointed yourself Fuehrer. I’m not supposed to think.”

  “Oh, rats!”

  “Anyhow, I don’t know. Maybe the Russkis developed a hallucination bomb.”

  “But would we all see the same thing?”

  “No opinion. But if I had shot that deer, I’ll bet we could have eaten it.”

  “I think so, too. Joe? Ideas, opinions, suggestions?”

  Joe scratched his head. “Mighty pretty country. But I’m a city boy.”

  “One thing you can do, Hugh.”

  “What, Duke?”

  “Your little radio. Try it.”

  “Good idea.” Hugh crawled inside, caught Karen about to climb down, sent her back for it. While he waited, he wondered what he had that was suitable for a ladder? Chinning themselves in a six-foot manhole was tedious.

  The radio picked up static but nothing else. Hugh switched it off. “We’ll try it tonight. I’ve gotten Mexico with it at night, even Canada.” He frowned. “Something ought to be on the air. Unless they smeared us completely.”

  “Dad, you aren’t thinking straight.”

  “How, Duke?”

  “This area did not get smeared.”

  “That’s why I can’t understand a radio silence.”

  “Yet Mountain Springs really caught it. Ergo, we aren’t in Mountain Springs.”

  “Who said we were?” Karen answered. “There’s nothing like this in Mountain Springs. Nor the whole state.”

  Hugh frowned. “I guess that’s obvious.” He looked at the shelter—gross, huge, massive. “But where are we?”

  “Don’t you read comic books, Daddy? We’re on another planet.”

  “Don’t joke, baby girl. I’m worried.”

  “I wasn’t joking. There is nothing like this within a thousand miles of home—yet here we are. Might as well be another planet. The one we had was getting used up.”

  “Hugh,” Joe said, “it sounds silly. But I agree with Karen.”

  “Why, Joe?”

  “Well, we’re someplace. What happens when an H-bomb explodes dead on you?”

  “You’re vaporized.”

  “I don’t feel vaporized. And I can’t see that big hunk of concrete sailing a thousand miles or so, and crashing down with nothing to show for it but cracked ribs and a hurt shoulder. But Karen’s idea—” He shrugged. “Call it the fourth dimension. That last big one nudged us through the fourth dimension.”

  “Just what I said, Daddy. We’re on a strange planet! Let’s explore!”

  “Slow down, honey. As for another planet—Well, there isn’t any rule saying we have to know where we are when we don’t. The problem is to cope.”

  Barbara said, “Karen, I don’t see how this can be anything but Earth.”

  “Why? Spoilsport.”

  “Well—” Barbara chucked a pebble at a tree. “That’s a eucalyptus, and an acacia beyond it. Not at all like Mountain Springs but a normal grouping of tropical and subtropical flora. Unless your ‘new planet’ evolved plants just like Earth, this has to be Earth.”

  “Spoilsport,” Karen repeated. “Why shouldn’t plants evolve the same way on another planet?”

  “Well, that would be as remarkable as finding the same—”

  “Hubert! Hubert! Where are you? I can’t find you!” Grace Farnham’s voice echoed out the tunnel.

  Hugh ducked into the tunnel. “Coming!”

  They ate lunch under a tree a little distance from the shelter. Hugh decided that the tunnel had been buried so deeply that the chance of its mouth being more radioactive than the interior was negligible. As for the roof, he was not certain. So he placed a dosimeter (the only sort of radiation instrument that had come through the pummeling) on top of the shelter to compare it later with one inside. He was relieved to see that the dosimeters agreed that they had suffered less than lethal dosage—although large—and that they checked each other.

  The only other precaution he took was for them to keep guns by them—all but his wife. Grace Farnham “couldn’t stand guns,” and resented having to eat with guns in sight.

  But she ate with good appetite. Duke had built a fire and they were blessed with hot coffee, hot canned beef, hot peas, hot canned sweet potatoes, and canned fruit salad—and cigarettes with no worry about air or fire.

  “That was lovely,” Grace admitted. “Hubert dear? Do you know what it would take to make it just perfect? You don’t approve of drinking in the middle of the day but these are special circumstances and my nerves are still a teensy bit on edge—so, Joseph, if you will just run back inside and fetch a bottle of that Spanish brandy—”

  “Grace.”

  “What, dear?—then all of us could celebrate our miraculous escape. You were saying?”

  “I’m not sure there is any.”

  “What? Why, we stored two cases of it!”

  “Most of the liquor was broken. That brings up something else. Duke, you are out of a job as water boss. I’d like you to take over as bartender. There are at least two unbroken fifths. Whatever you find, split it six ways and make it share and share alike, whether it’s several bottles each, or just a part of a bottle.”

  Mrs. Farnham looked blank, Duke looked uneasy. Karen said hastily, “Daddy, you know what I said.”

  “Oh, yes. Duke, your sister is on the wagon. So hold her share as a medicinal reserve. Unless she changes her mind.”

  “I don’t want the job,” said Duke.

  “We have to divide up the chores, Duke. Oh yes, do the same with cigarettes. When they are gone, they’re gone, whereas I have hopes that we can distill liquor later.” He turned to his wife. “Why not have a Miltown, dear?”

  “Drugs! Hubert Farnham, are you telling me that I can’t have a drink?”

  “Not at all. At least two fifths came through. Your share would be about a half pint. If you want a drink, go ahead.”

  “Well! Joseph, run inside and fetch me a bottle of brandy.”

  “No!” her husband countermanded. “If you want it, Grace, fetch it yourself.”

  “Oh, shucks, Hugh, I don’t mind.”

  “I do. Grace, Joe’s ribs are cracked. It hurts him to climb. You can manage the climb with those boxes as steps—and you’re the only one who wasn’t hurt.”

  “That’s not true!”

  “Not a scratch. Everybody else was bruised or worse. Now about jobs—I want you to take over as cook. Karen will be your assistant. Okay, Karen?”

  “Certainly, Daddy.”

  “It will keep you both busy. We’ll build a grill and Dutch oven, but it will be cook over a campfire and wash dishes in the creek for a while.”

  “So? And will you please tell me, M
r. Farnham, what Joseph is going to do in the meantime? To earn his wages?”

  “Will you please tell me how we’ll pay wages? Dear, dear—can’t you see that things have changed?”

  “Don’t be preposterous! Joseph will get every cent coming to him and he knows it—just as soon as this mess is straightened out. After all, we’ve saved his life. And we’ve always been good to him, he won’t mind waiting. Will you, Joseph?”

  “Grace! Quiet down and listen. Joe is no longer our servant. He is our partner in adversity. We’ll never pay him wages again. Quit acting like a child and face the facts. We’re broke. We’re never going to have any money again. Our house is gone. My business is gone. The Mountain Exchange Bank is gone. We’re wiped out…save for what we stored in the shelter. But we are lucky. We’re alive and by some miracle have a chance of scratching a living out of the ground. Lucky. Do you understand?”

  “I understand you are using it as an excuse to bully me!”

  “You’ve merely been assigned a job to fit your talents.”

  “Kitchen drudge! I was your kitchen slave for twenty-five years! That’s long enough. I won’t do it! Do you understand me?”

  “You are wrong on both points. You’ve had a maid most of our married life…and Karen washed dishes from the time she could see over the sink. Granted, we had lean years. Now we’re going to have more lean years—and you’re going to help. Grace, you are a fine cook when you want to be. You will cook…or you won’t eat.”

  “Oh!” She burst into tears and fled into the shelter.

  Her behind was disappearing when Duke got up to follow. His father stopped him. “Duke!”

  “Yes.”

  “One word and you can join your mother. I’m going exploring, I want you to go with me.”

  Duke hesitated. “All right.”

  “We’ll start shortly. I think your job should be ‘hunter.’ You’re a better shot than I am and Joe has never hunted. What do you think?”

  “Uh—All right.”

  “Good. Well, go soothe her down and, Duke, see if you can make her see the facts.”