A Woman in Your Own Right

by Anne Dickson

  In response to the transformation of the workplace environment (for both men and women) since 1982, I have added new material relevant to the current challenges for women employees, especially in terms of the skill of confrontation and handling their own authority within hierarchical structures.

  There are two further changes from the original, both stemming from my personal circumstances. First, chronological inevitability has prompted a new chapter, one related to the fact that I am now a middle-aged woman. I wanted to address the difficulties of maintaining one’s self-esteem as we get older, especially in an era when the process of ageing itself has become fraught with fear and denial in a society seemingly obsessed exclusively with youth.

  Secondly, my world perspective was radically altered when I became a student again after many years of teaching. A combination of research in environmental and social sciences opened my eyes to another realm. Having spent most of my working life as a psychologist engaged with the interior of people’s psyches, I was initiated into the immense significance of the external structures – economic, political, legal and social – which shape and control our lives. My academic experience has therefore informed some of what appears in this new edition, particularly in terms of the significance of equality and power.

  A final consideration: the main aim of this book was originally to provide the reader with an opportunity to try out assertiveness techniques without the aid of a class. Since it is now virtually impossible to find a class or group with whom one might learn these skills, I have decided to retain this emphasis: most of the following chapters end with a section containing suggestions and exercises which readers could use to explore for themselves, on their own or with a friend.

  The references, illustrations and examples in the book are all based on the situations presented by participants in classes and training programmes throughout these years.

  Personal reflections

  Writing this new edition has obviously given me cause to think back. Out of a multitude of memories, two features stand out: one that saddens me and the other remaining a cause for celebration.

  A sense of loss

  In the deeply competitive society in which we now live, it seems that women compete and compare themselves with other women more harshly than ever before. When I started teaching, there was more of an emphasis on comparing our status with that of men: lack of equality in opportunities of education and work, rates of pay and access to membership of various institutions or activities were open to challenge. The sense of solidarity generated by sharing experiences, failures and triumphs was a powerful catalyst.

  I see little evidence of solidarity now. Instead women have assimilated the widespread cultural erosion of qualities of accommodation and inclusivity, co-operation and community by the promotion of individualism, exclusivity, competition and division. We could claim, perhaps, that aggression is now ‘gender equal’ but not with much celebration. It saddens me that having achieved more equality and more positions of responsibility and power, there is no evidence of the enhancement of family life, the workplace or the world in general.

  In the absence of a shared collective goal of challenging visible and obvious forms of sexism, wariness of each other is heightened. Women are more uncertain about their ideals. There is more defensiveness about personal decisions: those staying at home to look after their families criticise those who go out to work and vice versa. Married women and single women dispute the relative superiority of their status.

  Despite claims that feminism is ‘old hat’ and claims of emotional, financial and physical independence, doubts about the reality of gender equality persist. Cross-country research shows that in a two-person working partnership, women still do the lion’s share of the domestic chores, especially at weekends; domestic violence continues apace and it hasn’t stopped being unsafe for women to walk alone after dark. The need to be sexually attractive as an indicator of personal validation hasn’t changed much either: it is one thing to claim equality but it is quite another to live it.

  A cause for celebration and wonder

  Teaching assertiveness to such a diversity of people has been an extraordinary adventure. I have always believed in the transformative power of the material and that the best way of teaching is not to own it or try and control it but to be the best possible vehicle to convey the principles and encourage others to try them. For me this has meant a certain degree of reluctance to be labelled ‘an expert’: being an expert in assertiveness is a bit like being awarded a degree in being human.

  This doesn’t stop expectations that I will conform to stereotype. Thirty years ago, I would turn up for interviews and be confronted by surprise and some disappointment that I wasn’t clad from head to toe in black leather adorned with chains. Today, expectations centre more on invulnerability, glamour and financial success: the typical accoutrements of a woman who is assumed to be ‘always and in every way a winner’.

  The truth though is that in all the years I have been teaching, I have never lost sight of the challenge of being assertive. I know what it is like to feel failure; I know what it is like to feel intimidated and fumble for words to speak up in my defence. I know how it feels to be anxious about looking foolish, to fear rejection, to hear my heart pounding as I open my mouth to confront someone.

  This is why I’ve also never lost sight of the miracle of change. My working life has revolved around such miracles and still does: the delight when another person takes the decision to trust me: to agree to try something different and be vulnerable and risk the unknown. The extraordinary dynamic of co-creative change when neither of us knows exactly what will happen, but something does: some part of the person emerges, some new facet, and this is an experience that I can never tire of. Seeing the satisfaction and pride – even if shaky – of someone who has confronted their fear and moved through it is, for me, as exciting as watching the triumphant faces of recent Olympic winners.

  I have always said to those I trained to ‘trust the material’ because it works. There have been occasions when I have had to relearn this. When I was invited first to work in Japan, for example, I was unsure how assertive principles would go across in a society much more traditionally hierarchical than my own. I need not have worried. Alongside cultural differences, there are human similarities: learning to be assertive still meant communicating with the other person as an equal.

  Hiromi wanted to learn how to confront his mother, who according to cultural tradition, he had no right to challenge. He described a manipulative and demanding woman who constantly made known her disapproval of Hiromi’s wife. As we worked together, he discovered that somewhere between the roles of being a son and a husband, he could also look at his mother as a fellow human being, aging and increasingly insecure about her own position. He could then talk to her with firmness plus compassion. He wrote later that this shift in perception had completely altered his relationship with his mother for the better.

  On another occasion I sat at a table in the headquarters of an international bank with a dozen Danish women, all of them very senior figures in their own organisations. I had been invited to work with them for the afternoon and, as we introduced ourselves, I looked around this group of immaculately dressed, poised and supremely confident individuals and found myself wondering ‘Why am I here?’ After ten minutes of polite discussion, one brave woman, Vibeke, took the plunge and admitted that she actually found it very hard to deal with a bullying colleague. This was the catalyst for the real sharing to begin as others disclosed their own difficulties: feeling intimidated; being excluded by the male-only social activities; having to use a poker face to disguise emotions and feelings; the irritation at being devalued and feeling isolated. We had more than enough to work with.

  My trust in the material and belief in its relevance is stronger than ever. This is very much a book for 2012 which I hope will both rekindle learning and renew the resolve among those who read the first edition, as well as offeri
ng new readers a practical and useful introduction to important concepts and specific skills which have proved over and over again to be genuinely life-transforming.

  Further Reading

  The Mirror Within, Anne Dickson, Quartet, 1984

  A Voice For Now, Anne Dickson, Piatkus, Little, Brown, 2003

  Difficult Conversations, Anne Dickson, Piatkus, Little, Brown, 2004

  Reconnecting with the Heart, Anne Dickson (to be published 2013)

  The Perverse Organisation and its Deadly Sins, Susan Long, Karnac, 2008

  The Culture of the New Capitalism, Richard Sennett, Yale University Press, 2006

  The Spirit Level: Why Equality is better for Everyone, Richard Wilkinson and Kate Pickett, Penguin, 2010

  1

  When and Where to be Assertive

  What has drawn people to sign up for assertiveness training? What has been the attraction for so many women over this time? Most have wanted to change their lives in some way. A few have attended with a clearly defined goal but most have arrived with a general and ill-defined dissatisfaction with their personal or working lives. Many felt that they lacked control over their lives. There were a few good days in a year when they felt confident and secure, but mostly they worried . . . about what they said or didn’t say; about how to handle criticism or be taken more seriously at work; about how to manage the work/ home balance more effectively; how to set clearer limits with their children or how to address a persistent problem with someone without damaging the friendship or relationship.

  The questions which follow are a way of helping you begin to identify the situations which you would like to handle more successfully. Identifying the circumstances in which you would like to respond differently is an excellent first step towards achieving change in your life.

  Situations with strangers

  How do you respond if you are sitting in a busy restaurant and a waiter ignores you? Do you sigh and tap your fingers on the table? Or do you ask your (male) companion why he doesn’t do something? Or do you march out noisily, spitting a few choice remarks over your shoulder as you go? If the food served to you is not properly cooked or bears little resemblance to what you ordered, how do you respond? Do you complain by whining? Do you rudely denounce the establishment? Or do you swallow your dissatisfaction with your food and achieve a slight sense of revenge by not leaving a tip?

  If you’ve chosen to sit in a ‘quiet’ zone on the train and the passenger next to you seems to be intent on phoning half his call list very loudly on his mobile, what is your response? Do you simmer and say nothing? Do you glare at him and point out the ‘quiet’ sign above the window? Do you mutter something almost inaudible under your breath? Or do you ask him politely to stop making calls, reminding him that this is a quiet zone?

  How do you respond when you find at the checkout that you made a mistake and that the box of cherries you fancied is twice the price you thought it was? Do you cause a bit of a scene and demand a supervisor to check the price because it wasn’t clearly marked? Or do you pretend that you knew anyway because you feel embarrassed at not being able to afford them? How do you react when you have been waiting for ages in a queue or you’re in a hurry and a sweet little old lady barges in front of you? Does it make a difference if the person who barges in front of you happens to be a six-foot-four male with a belligerent manner? Do you risk stating your opinion and earning disapproving stares from others? How do you respond when you encounter an intransigent sales manager who suggests the electronic article you are returning has stopped working because of your own incompetence? Do you get into a slanging match and storm out or do you lose heart and leave because you don’t like confrontation?

  When faced with an unhelpful shop assistant who is more concerned with texting on her mobile than attending to your purchase problems, do you react like a sergeant major or do you ask for help, clearly or apologetically? A good-looking salesman has gone to a lot of trouble to unpack every possible article in search of what you want and still nothing fits your requirements. Do you buy something anyway even though it is not what you want, simply so as not to appear ungrateful, or do you thank him for his assistance but decline to buy anything?

  Situations with friends

  If you have to negotiate where to meet or what film to see or where to eat, do you make your own preferences clear or are you pushed around or manipulated into a choice which you are really not happy with? A friend wants to go out and drown her sorrows after a bust-up with her boyfriend: you want to be supportive but you really don’t fancy a long night’s drinking because you need to be clear enough to revise for some exams: do you put aside your own needs or pretend you have an alternative engagement? Do you say ‘no’ or suggest a compromise? If you feel angry with the way someone has treated you, do you communicate your feelings or do you hide them and then make sure you keep the person waiting an hour the next time you arrange to meet? You lent a friend some money several months ago and there’s no sign of him paying it back: do you keep quiet hoping he’ll remember or let your resentment accumulate until it begins to sour your friendship? If a friend persistently uses you as a shoulder to cry on and rings up just as you are settling down to watch a favourite television programme, do you turn the sound down but keep one eye on the box and mutter ‘uh-uh’ occasionally? Do you listen patiently, wishing you could see your programme, or do you say that you are busy and could she ring back? If a friend who is important to you is the subject of malicious gossip in a group of mutual acquaintances, do you turn a deaf ear, do you hit out aggressively and put them in their place or do you express how you feel and ask them to stop? A good friend asks you if the dress she is wearing looks OK: you know your truthful answer is ‘no’ so are you honest or do you tell a lie because you don’t want to hurt her feelings?

  Situations at home

  In your own home are you a martyr, a slave or a tyrant? How do you behave if everyone leaves the washing up, the cleaning, the tidying up to you? How do you respond when you want to say ‘no’ to a child’s request for money or for friends to come for a sleepover? How do you respond if you want to say ‘no’ to a demanding relative who wants to pay you a visit at a busy or inconvenient time? How do you react when you feel affectionate and put your arm around your partner but find your partner is too preoccupied and wants some distance? What happens if your partner feels sexy but you are not in the mood? Or if you feel sexy but your partner is reluctant? How do you respond to criticism about your appearance from a lover or parent? Do you feel rejected or come back with an aggressive retort? If you want some privacy at home, how do you go about getting it? Do you feel you can set limits or that you should always be on call for your family? How do you confront an irritating habit in someone you love?

  Situations at work

  Consider how you respond to legitimate criticism from a superior. Do you fly off the handle? Do you deny it at all costs? Do you reach around for someone else to blame? Do you shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other feeling about three years old? Do you adopt a pained expression and sulk for the rest of the day? Consider also how you respond to unfair criticism from a superior. How do you criticise a subordinate for continual lateness, or sloppy work or dishonesty? Do you agonise and wait for ages, ask someone else to deal with the matter, attack the person with all guns firing at once when they are least expecting it, turn a blind eye or even try to find another job?

  How do you respond if your male boss makes an offensive sexual comment? Do you launch into a tirade, pretend you did not hear or do you just play along knowing that you can make an official complaint later? If you feel that your employer’s demands exceed your contract unfairly, how do you cope? Do you arrange a discussion and assertively put your case? Do you give in and groan under the extra load or do a bad job out of spite? How do you handle nosy colleagues who persist in interfering in your private affairs? Do you tell them to mind their own business or deflect them with some juicy gossip about someone else? How do
you deal with a bossy, domineering colleague? Do you give as good as you get or do you avoid confrontation? Do you complain bitterly in private or plan some secret revenge for being bullied?

  If someone does a good piece of work or has put in extra time and effort, how to you respond? Do you let it go unnoticed or do you take the time to give specific credit? What happens if someone praises your work? Do you squirm self-consciously and say it was really nothing to do with you or do you agree with them assertively? If someone admires your appearance or a new outfit, how do you respond? Do you dismiss the compliment defensively or accept it graciously?

  Four types of behaviour

  Having glanced at some typical situations, the next step is to identify the types of response described in the above examples.

  There are essentially four ways to react to any difficult encounter. These are best explained by presenting caricatures of four women who exemplify them: Agnes, Dulcie, Ivy and Selma.

  I have used women’s names because this book relates specifically to women, although the same descriptions could equally apply to men’s behaviour. A word of caution: these four are intended as caricatures with the express purpose of underlining the differences between the four types; in reality no such women exist. Each of us is capable of being aggressive, passive, manipulative and assertive. However, it is useful to separate them into four distinct characters as a way of beginning to untangle the overall confusion about how we behave. They can be used to pinpoint the line of action we take at any given moment.

  First comes Agnes, the aggressive stereotype. Although Agnes comes across loudly and forcefully, she often has little real self-esteem. She seeks personal aggrandisement through belittling the thoughts, values and capabilities of others. She cannot afford to consider another person’s point of view because she is hell-bent on winning. She is always alert to any competitive element and needs to prove her superiority by putting down others. Faced with threatening circumstances, she responds with an outright attack aiming at the other person’s vulnerable points. Her compulsive overreaction often alienates those around her. She may provoke an aggressive response in return but people usually feel constantly on the defensive in her presence. She resorts frequently to verbal or even physical violence and abuse, leaving in her wake a trail of hurt and humiliated feelings. People may harbour resentment towards her but feel reluctant to express this to her directly for fear of more of the same treatment. This silence means that Agnes is sometimes unaware of how much she intimidates others.