A Woman in Your Own Right

by Anne Dickson

  (Gary makes his comment.)

  Karen: (looking directly at him) I’m really quite shocked, Gary. And hurt actually.

  She then immediately looked away from Gary to the others who in the meeting. Changing her tone of voice, she addressed the rest of the group:

  ‘I’ve made a proposal and I’d like a response. Do any of you agree with my suggestion?’

  After a few practices Karen learned to handle this comment with authority and dignity, much to the delighted applause of everyone in the workshop.

  Whether criticism is valid or invalid or a put-down, you will probably recognise that some areas are much more difficult to handle than others. And there are some which we would prefer not to mention at all. These are what I call crumple-buttons. This term describes those chinks in our defensive armour where each of us is most vulnerable. We all have them: words or phrases which are so highly sensitive that the mere mention has the effect of making you crumple instantly inside. You may feel utterly defeated, or hurt, or you fly off the handle: it may be a reference to your appearance and general manner; your hair, weight, dress sense, breast size or accent. It may be a reference to your background: class, race, education, accent, talents, qualifications. If may be a comment on a particular area of competence: as a mother, a lover, as a cook, an intellectual, a driver. It may be a specific word: such as selfish, over-bearing, hard, stupid, aggressive or tight. It may even be some area of sensitivity that nobody has actually voiced to you but you are terrified they might!

  Whatever the word or phrase, you will recognise its impact. It does not matter if the same word or phrase leaves everyone else unmoved. They may not make sense but notice your own vulnerable areas.

  One way of learning to handle crumple-buttons assertively is by making them a little less sensitive. The following exercise is specifically designed to reduce this sensitivity. I often use it in training but it can be done at home with a friend.

  First of all, write down two lists; one of valid criticism – that is, things that you know to be true about yourself – and a second list of invalid criticism: labels or epithets which really do not apply to you. Don’t fall into the temptation of making everything stick as this will hinder you making your list of invalid criticisms. You may believe that there is nothing that is not true at some time but it is important to persevere: make use of adjectives like dishonest, immoral, dirty, or personally inappropriate words like domineering, if you know you are very timid or lazy when you know you work very hard.

  When you have written your two lists, with up to ten words in each, check and see which are your crumple-buttons. Put an asterisk by each one. When you and your friend have your lists ready, exchange lists, sit facing each other and proceed as follows (I’ll give the two women the names Mary and Jane): Mary will alternate valid and invalid criticisms from Jane’s list.

  Mary: Jane, you’re so selfish.

  Jane: Yes, I am selfish. It’s important to consider my own needs at times.

  It is essential to include the actual word – to say ‘Yes, I am selfish’ not just ‘Yes, I know I am’. In this way you desensitise the actual word or phrase.

  Mary gives feedback on how Jane is coming across: on her gestures, her eye contact, her voice, her tone. It is important not to convey apology or defensiveness. They keep repeating the phrase in the same way until both Mary and Jane agree that Jane’s reply and manner are assertive.

  Then they proceed to a criticism somewhere on the invalid list.

  Mary: Jane, I think you’re insensitive.

  Jane: That’s quite untrue, I’m really shocked by that. I’m actually an extremely sensitive person.

  It is important that Jane’s voice expresses conviction and that she looks at Mary with a steady gaze as she rejects the invalid criticism. It is no good using the words with an apologetic tone or smile. Then Mary goes back to one of Jane’s list of valid criticisms. This continues right through to the end of both lists, after which Mary and Jane swap roles and repeat the process with Mary in the ‘hot seat’.

  This exercise needs about thirty minutes to do effectively (about fifteen minutes each, maybe a little longer). It may take a while to rid oneself of a lifetime’s sensitivity but it really does help to take these criticisms out of the psychological closet and, by sharing them with someone else, the words become less ‘loaded’ and easier to handle. It is a valuable way of illuminating people’s reactions to criticism and also of identifying the source of much of the resentment and helplessness attached to some of these words.

  Once you gain a little confidence in walking through the minefield of your relationship to criticism, you can begin to take more risks. This means you can even invite criticism when you think someone is trying to tell you something that may be useful feedback. Here you can use the skill of negative enquiry. This helps you take the initiative: you ask if there is something critical the other person would like to say to you.

  Negative enquiry helps you to prompt criticism either to learn from the information if your critic’s intention is to be constructive or, on the other hand, to expose it as manipulative or vicious and then disregard it. If it is constructive, you can give the other person an opportunity to express honestly what they feel which will help to improve communication between you. You are then able to invite and receive criticism from a position of equality rather than disadvantage. Here are some examples:

  Have I behaved insensitively to you?

  I’d like to know how satisfied you are with the quality of my work

  Do you feel intimidated by me?

  Do you think I could have been more supportive?

  Do you resent me being successful?

  Do you feel rejected by my refusal?

  Are you disappointed with the way things have turned out between us?

  If you ever feel pushed by me into doing things you don’t want, you must say so.

  Are you angry that I’m late?

  Are you worried that I might let you down?

  You can also use negative assertion and negative enquiry together. This is a very powerful way of enabling someone to feel secure enough to express feelings to you that they may find difficult. It also helps you feel secure enough to listen to what is being said. You will not necessarily like what you hear but at least it can be said directly and there is a chance that the way will be open to a frank and truthful exchange of feelings between you. Here are some examples of how both techniques could be used together:

  I find it difficult to handle the question of money. (negative assertion) Do you think I’m too aggressive about it? (negative enquiry)

  I’ve been very preoccupied lately. (negative assertion) Have you been feeling neglected? (negative enquiry)

  I talk a lot when I’m anxious. (negative assertion) Do you get irritated? (negative enquiry)

  I know I’m inconsistent. (negative assertion) Does it drive you up the wall? (negative enquiry)

  I’m very inquisitive. (negative assertion) Do you mind my asking you so many questions? (negative enquiry)

  I know I feel things very intensely (negative assertion) Does it bother you? (negative enquiry)

  If you use the combined skills of negative assertion and negative enquiry, you’ll find that people do not think any the less of you for acknowledging your faults and mistakes. On the contrary this kind of approach can generate a lot of relief all round: because you are inviting criticism, it puts you in a much stronger position to handle it. You choose the moment so you are not caught off your guard. Instead of responding defensively you can relax, breathe and listen. Once you’ve listened, you can then sort through what is valuable to you and what is not.

  Choose your time wisely to ask the other person. You cannot expect a considered response if you pounce on someone just as they are rushing to a meeting or totally preoccupied with something else or once they are already in mid-delivery of a general stream of abuse about you. You need a few minutes of privacy and calm and probably you’ll
need to reassure the other person you really want to listen to their reply: everyone, after all, finds criticism hard to handle.

  The more often you survive hearing something you do not like about yourself, the easier it will be to deal with criticism – both invalid and valid – when they occur unexpectedly. The ability to use these skills will stem from the strength of your own self-esteem. With practice you can hear the criticism without sinking into the ‘poor me’ Dulcie pattern or rising to the ‘Who? Me?’ Agnes reaction.

  The crucial difference in how you respond will have a lot to do with how you handle your own internal critic. Many of us suffer from listening to the endless critical ramblings of an internal voice which is much more damning than anything we hear from the outside. With or without the help from others, our internal critic can condemn us to the psychic stocks where we sit, waiting passively for confirmation of our low self-worth. Instead of feeling stuck in that position, it is possible to get up and walk away: these skills help us do this.

  It is possible to use criticism wisely: that is, to listen and weigh up what is said. There is no need to rush around in a panic, making desperate and futile attempts to achieve a complete personality make-over. Nor, on the other hand, do we need to block our ears completely to what others say. We do not live in a vacuum and other people’s perceptions and comments, precisely because they come from outside us, can be illuminating and helpful. This, after all, is part of the purpose of interaction with other human beings: to exchange ideas and perceptions and learn from each other. I have come to value enormously the observations of others who often challenge and surprise me and make me reassess my own assumptions.

  We started this chapter looking at the common experience of criticism as rejection. When being criticised means being bad and unlovable, we feel helpless in the face of it. When criticism is an exchange, however, it is not the same. We don’t have to take on board everything that everyone says: we can consider and contest it. If we disagree, it doesn’t have to be a battle in which there is a winner and loser.

  When you can assertively disagree at the time, your boundaries are strengthened and you become more flexible. Does the criticism fit? Does it worry you? Rather than feeling helpless, you learn that it is not the essential you that is wrong. Instead of feeling unloved, you can begin to view criticism as a gesture of regard rather than attack. You can understand that criticism need not stem from someone’s low opinion of you: on the contrary, it can stem from respect or compassion, from a wish to reach out and make contact, from a desire to improve communication and deepen understanding. Criticism can provide a demonstration of someone’s clear and loving regard for you as a person in your own right. It can be empowering and enriching to hear and accept a criticism clearly and cleanly. In fact, you may be about to discover that criticism can be a gift.

  Following on

  1. Make a list of your own crumple-buttons and try the exercise described in the chapter between Mary and Jane.

  2. Just in case you get too immersed in the negatives, give yourself a lift: write down a list of ten positive qualities about yourself. Try not to use words like ‘good’ but be specific. For example, instead of a good mother use a specific word like loving, patient or affectionate; instead of a good teacher use competent, clear or sympathetic: and instead of a good friend – use loyal, humorous or understanding.

  3. Consider whether you have done or said anything which you suspect upset someone. Is there a general aspect of your behaviour which you think irritates or disappoints or angers someone else? Write down the behaviour and who you feel is affected by it. Write down what you would say to this person if you were to use the skills of negative assertion and negative enquiry.

  14

  How to Handle Criticism: As the Critic

  Learning to handle criticism on the receiving end will give you a much better idea of what makes it possible for any criticism to be heard: this, in turn, will help to improve your ability when it comes to giving criticism to others when you either need to or want to. The problem most of us face is distinguishing between challenge and confrontation. The latter is associated with an aggressive encounter where either winning or losing are the only two outcomes: consequently, those of us who do not enjoy confrontation try to avoid it.

  Every single one of us, at some time in our lives, is faced with situations which present us with a dilemma: how do I express difficult feelings in a way which allows the other person to hear what I am saying without them feeling hurt or attacked or rejected? How can I avoid getting into a fight which risks causing unpleasant and lasting repercussions?

  We first need to understand why some feelings are regarded as difficult. Difficult feelings usually refer to those that are labelled as negative: annoyance, hurt, irritation, anxiety or embarrassment for example. Second, precisely because we find such feelings difficult to communicate, we find ways of not doing so with the result that, if and when we do decide to speak, we will have acquired a backlog of ‘unspoken’ feelings which make clear and assertive communication an even tougher proposition.

  Consider what happens now. How do you express what you consider to be a legitimate grievance or problem you have with someone? How do you express resentment or hurt or disappointment? How do you go about criticising someone else, whether in a personal or professional context? Do you tend to avoid direct confrontation altogether like Dulcie but moan to everyone else about the person concerned? Do you find yourself going in like Agnes, with a sledgehammer and send the other person reeling away with an ear too thick to hear precisely what you are saying under the general tirade? Or like Ivy, do you make snide remarks, communicating your resentment indirectly, leaving the other person feeling put-down and vaguely guilty but without knowing exactly what your point is? All these approaches have one thing in common: the message will not be heard either because you have actually said nothing, or what you have said has been delivered in such a way that antagonises the other person or because you leave them confused and uncertain as to the message you were trying to get across.

  Look more closely at a typical passive, indirect and aggressive approach as Dulcie, Ivy or Agnes might use.

  Dulcie is a nervous passenger. Her husband fancies himself as a second Jeremy Clarkson; he is a fast and aggressive driver and, what’s more, prides himself on his driving ability. Every time they go out in the car together, Dulcie holds on tight to the edge of her seat, feeling tense and uncomfortable.

  Dulcie: Why don’t you slow down a bit?

  Husband: There’s nothing to be frightened of. I know exactly what I’m doing.

  Dulcie: Do we have to go this fast?

  Husband: It’s quite safe, don’t worry.

  Dulcie: Why don’t you slow down?

  Husband: Look, it’s all right. (Impatiently) I do know what I’m doing, you know. (Accelerating)

  Dulcie: Yes but . . .

  Husband: Look, close your eyes or something. Leave the driving to me. (He accelerates to overtake: Dulcie is too terrified to say any more.)

  Ivy is under a lot of pressure at work and finds it difficult to cope with the chores at home. She wants to ask her son to help her clear the kitchen.

  (Ivy comes into the kitchen.)

  Ivy: (in a critical tone) Look at this mess.

  Son: (on the defensive) For heaven’s sake, stop moaning.

  Ivy: (sounding pained) Well, I’m always the one who has to clear it up.

  Son: Nag, nag, nag.

  Ivy: Don’t start being cheeky. If you were more considerate in the first place, I wouldn’t have to keep on at you. (Son gets up and walks to the door.)

  Ivy: Where do you think you’re going?

  Son: Out. I can’t stand this place any more. (Goes out and slams the door. Ivy is left feeling defeated, resentful and bursts into tears.)

  Agnes comes home from work at 7 o’clock to find her two children still not ready for bed . . . again. This has happened several times and she hasn’t said anything bec
ause she couldn’t be bothered to have another argument after dealing with aggravation at work all day. She tells herself that this has gone far enough and that she has every right to complain to the au pair.

  In her mind, Agnes builds up an array of legitimate grievances against her: she is paid well to do her job, she has a lovely room and Agnes has always been more than generous to her. Agnes makes a decision to tackle her before she goes to work the next morning.

  Next morning, they are all in the kitchen, the children playing and Livia, the au pair, is preparing their breakfast.

  Agnes: By the way, Livia, I just wanted to say that I did not appreciate coming home last night and finding that the kids were still not ready for bed. You are paid to do a job and I really have enough on my plate without having to chase you as well. (She glares at Livia) Do you understand?

  Livia: (apologetically) I’m sorry. I just forget about the time . . .

  Agnes: (raising her voice a little) That is no excuse, Livia. You are paid to do a job and I’d like you to do it. I don’t want to have to tell you to do it.

  Livia: I said I’m sorry.

  Agnes: (feeling dominant now and wanting to reinforce her position) And while we’re talking about it, I also noticed Adam’s trainers were left out in the garden last week . . . what are you doing now? He doesn’t eat that kind of cereal. You should know that by now.

  Livia: (Feeling defensive, her voice slightly louder) There seems to be nothing I can get right this morning!

  Agnes: Don’t be sarcastic with me. Just remember your position here. (Sees the clock and realises the time) I’ve got to go. (Goes to kiss the children goodbye)

  Each of these scenarios illustrates a particular problem about giving criticism which we will look at in turn. First, consider the common denominator: a build-up of feelings. Each scenario represents the latest in a sequence of similar occurrences when most of the time we have said nothing or, if we have tried to get some words out, they have probably been vague, understated and indirect.