A Woman in Your Own Right

by Anne Dickson

  Before we embark on this process – based on face-to-face conversations – it is relevant to return to the issues raised by using other forms of communication. Most people believe that email or text is the only way to communicate because of convenience. However these methods bring three problems to the fore in terms of assertive interaction. First, clarity is diminished, as I explained in Chapter 7: we cannot be completely accurate in our perceptions of what is being written or in the recipient’s response because we are unable to pick up the totality of a message, including all the signals conveyed with our body language.

  Second, it is tempting to opt for sending an email if we feel in any way anxious about what we want to say and, as there is so much anxiety about giving criticism, it is understandable that email offers a more remote and therefore easier way to deliver what you want to say than having to face someone directly. Directness takes more courage and it means taking responsibility but this is what being assertive involves: treating the other person as an equal human being.

  The third problem is that emails and texts provide a very convenient way of avoiding having to deal with the repercussions of our communications. When institutions inform employees by email that they have been fired or when an individual uses email to break off a relationship, it is easy to see how convenient remote communication can be in this regard.

  In assertive terms, this behaviour belongs to the category of indirect aggression whereby you deliver your (often hurtful) message and then make sure you are unavailable to deal with the response. By not dealing with the consequences of your actions, you manage to avoid any responsibility.

  For these reasons, the following process assumes a willingness to deal directly with the person concerned. There is no disputing that it is difficult but this is the reason for the following guidelines.

  1. Setting the scene

  Choose your time and place prudently. If you do, you will be in a much better position to express yourself clearly. If you want to confront someone, don’t wait until it happens again. It’s always tempting to kid yourself that next time you’ll be better equipped to speak up. When the next time comes around, your feelings will be just as strong, maybe stronger, and you risk making a mess of it again: either you’ll bottle up everything once more or go over the top. So if you feel at all uncertain about confrontation and even if you don’t, give yourself an easier start by setting up the time in advance. A simple statement is enough: ‘I’d like to make some time to talk to you about something important’. Be realistic about the time you need: five minutes, an hour, whatever you want. The other person is then prepared and so are you. This way you will have the opportunity to establish the climate of a forum rather than an arena.

  It will feel very odd doing this especially if the other person is a friend or family member. It will seem formal and unlike how you would normally behave which is precisely the point. You are going to try and do something which you do not normally do – confront the other person assertively – and to give yourself the best chance, you need to establish a time and space outside of any normal activities. This means avoiding tacking your dialogue onto any other activity like watching television or perusing emails, in the middle of a meal, a party, making love or during a meeting at work. Arrange time out of everything else both for your sake and that of the other person.

  2. Self-disclosure

  The time has come: you’ve made the arrangements and someone is there waiting for you to speak. Whether this is your partner, employee, neighbour or friend, the wisest way to start is with an expression of how you feel. Right now. How do you feel beginning this conversation? It’s a safe bet that there will be feelings of awkwardness, anxiety, embarrassment, dread or nervousness: this is entirely normal and natural and if you pretend at the outset that you are not feeling any of these things, you are likely to start off on the wrong foot. It doesn’t require an intense focus on your fears – just a simple statement – and then you begin and go on to the next steps. For example:

  ‘I’m feeling really silly about this but there is something important I want to talk about . . . ’

  ‘I don’t find this easy but I want to discuss something with you . . . ’

  The idea is to be truthful.

  3.

  Then you move to the answers to your three questions developed in the previous chapter and proceed with these three clear points.

  • Describe the other person’s behaviour

  • Express your feelings in response to this behaviour

  • Request the specific change

  4. Ask for a response

  At this stage, bearing in mind this is intended as an equal interaction, pause and ask the other person to respond. This may be to clarify understanding or check their reaction and understanding of your request.

  5. Closure

  At this point there is a great danger of getting stuck. This whole process has been initiated by you: you have opened the door, as it were, to this dialogue and now you must take responsibility for closing it. This helps both you and the other person. Your own anxiety will probably be high: this is not an easy conversation for either of you (which is why you have spent so long avoiding it). This means that it is wiser to bring it to an end. Depending on who it is, you can call the meeting to an end, get up from your chair, leave the room or if you are going to stay in the person’s company, you can signal closure by switching the topic of conversation to something completely neutral.

  This also helps the other person. It is likely that they have been unaware of what you’ve been feeling and they may be surprised, startled, even uncomfortable. We are all sensitive when it comes to criticism and, even if you have handled it assertively, others too have past responses and need a bit of space – physical or psychological – to let the information in.

  You’ll find this point invaluable to remember whenever you have summoned up your courage to challenge someone in any circumstances. It allows you, as speaker, to deal with the emotional fallout from having spoken out: even if it’s visible to nobody else, we all tend to feel residual symptoms of anxiety for a while after the event. Equally important is that, by ending the meeting or changing the subject, you help shift any lingering tension and awkwardness between the two of you: you both then have the opportunity to let the impact of what’s been said sink in.

  Consequences

  Occasionally you may have to reinforce your request for change by spelling out the consequences. This does not have to be a ‘do-it-or-else’ threat. In fact you may never have actually to spell out the consequences in so many words but it is important that you have worked out for yourself what the consequences are. These can be positive or negative consequences. It may be easier to express the positive consequences: what will happen if the other person co-operates. Ivy, for example, might feel that a positive consequence of her son’s help would be that she would feel less harassed and more agreeable towards him: the atmosphere in the house would be better. Dulcie might add that she would stop being so tense and irritable and enjoy going out with her husband more. Agnes might have said that she would be more able to enjoy the short time she had with her children in the evening.

  The negative consequences are more difficult to articulate without being threatening but sometimes, they have to be considered:

  Emma worked for a large internet provider as a supervisor in the sales department. She had been aware for a while that one of the staff, Luis, was letting through too many mistakes in the advertising copy: there were spelling mistakes, the quoted prices were sometimes too high and key words were not checked.

  She had returned his copy a couple of times and – by email – tried to suggest that he checked his copy but there had been no improvement. After learning these skills, she arranged to see him when he came in for a meeting.

  Emma: Luis, look, this isn’t easy but I’ve got to say that you need to check your copy.

  Luis: I do check it.

  Emma: Well, it really isn’t
good enough.

  Luis: Maybe my English isn’t perfect but surely it’s OK, isn’t it?

  Emma: I want you to check your copy and spelling, prices and key words in particular. Do you understand?

  Luis: Of course I understand. I just think you’re making a bit of fuss.

  Emma: I’m not. I don’t want to have to chase you all the time and we don’t meet often but I want to know if you will agree to be more thorough in checking your copy.

  Luis: I think it is good enough.

  Emma: This is quite serious, Luis. If you don’t improve the quality of your work, I shall have to refer it to the Head of Department (spelling out consequences).

  Luis (sighs): OK. I still think it’s a lot of fuss about nothing.

  Emma (gets up from her chair): Thanks for coming in, Luis. I’ll see you later.

  In a personal relationship, even though there are no clearly defined consequences as in a professional or contractual context, there are also occasions when we are confronted with difficult decisions. If your neighbour refuses to stop making your life hell, the only option eventually may be to move house; if your partner won’t stop drinking heavily your ultimate decision may be to split up; if your friend will not stop lying to you, the only option may be to stop seeing her; if your boss refuses to pay you more money, you may have to find a new job. All these are major steps and ones which you may not want to take. But at least having realised this, you can look at what you will settle for at the moment.

  If you have taken the trouble to express exactly how strongly you feel to the person concerned, you will still feel better because you are not secretly harbouring the resentment inside. Choosing to stay with a given situation despite its limitations is not the same as feeling a helpless victim of circumstance. Obviously these decisions are very personal: we all have our individual limits. However often we look from the outside at someone else’s plight and say ‘I don’t know s/he puts up with it, I’d have left ages ago’, each person will take what they want and decide on their own limits. We move on if and when we are ready.

  Be gentle with yourself and others: since we handle criticism so badly in our culture, we need to remain sensitive to the impact this sort of confrontation can have. Take another example. Nicole and Debbie are friends. Nicole is pleased to have Debbie to stay for a few weeks but it’s niggled her for a while that Debbie hasn’t contributed more to the housekeeping. She would have liked her to have bought a little food, taken her out to a meal, offered to pay for something, maybe contributed a couple of bottles of wine. However, Nicole has not actually said anything directly up until now.

  Nicole: Debbie, I’ve been meaning to say this but I’m resentful about you never having paid for anything while you’ve been staying.

  Debbie (shocked): You never mentioned money. I thought I was a guest.

  Nicole: Well you are a guest, but you could have bought a bottle of wine or paid for something. (Implied judgement 1) Debbie (hurt and defensive): You’re saying I’m mean, aren’t you? If you’d been staying with me . . .

  Nicole: I’m not saying you’re mean. And I take full responsibility for not saying anything clearly at the time. I should have sorted it out and been direct but I wasn’t. I’m not surprised if you feel angry with me. (Negative assertion 2)

  Debbie: Well, I am upset. And yes, I’m cross that you haven’t said anything before. It doesn’t say much for our friendship if you couldn’t be honest with me.

  Nicole: You’re right. I accept that. I’m sorry.

  Debbie: I could always find somewhere else to stay.

  Nicole: Well, you don’t have to for my sake. I love having you here, you’re terrific company and you’re been really supportive recently. All I want is for us to come to some arrangement that we both feel happy about. (A little awkwardness hangs in the air.)

  Nicole: Are you OK if we leave it there? (Debbie nods.)

  Nicole: Why don’t we try the new curry place? I’m dying to hear how your meeting went today.

  The key lies in the statements numbered 1 and 2. Number 1 is reproachful. Nicole is not taking responsibility for her own past lack of assertive behaviour but reproving Debbie instead. Number 2 is on the level and equal. She accepts responsibility and invites some criticism in return. This illustrates difference between assertive criticism and one-sided or aggressive criticism. The principle of equality remains throughout an assertive interaction: even if you are taking the initiative to confront, you are treating the other person as equal.

  A word of caution: it is essential to discipline yourself to keep to one specific issue without trawling through the past. In any relationship which is long-standing, there is an inevitable history between you and the other person. Our memories function like archives which chronicle details of this history along with details of other relationships in the past. With remarkable accuracy we are able to recall incidents in detail along with our unspoken or half-spoken resentments and our unresolved battles. We remember unforgiven deeds and offensive remarks and keep them in the back of our minds: when we want to fuel current grievances and grudges, they come to the fore. One small occurrence can set us sifting through the backlog of a lifetime, particularly when we feel under threat ourselves, such as when we are being criticised or fear being rejected:

  A: You accuse me of being jealous! What about that party when you made such a scene?

  B: That was years ago!

  A: That’s not the point. You were terribly jealous when I was dancing with that man who’d just come back from America because his wife had walked out on him . . . .

  X: To think that for so long I’ve put up with all your unkindness . . . Y: What do you mean?

  X: Do you remember when I was in hospital and you said you were too busy to come during the week to visit?

  Y: That’s going back a bit . . . and you said it was OK at the time, I seem to remember. You said you understood, that it didn’t matter.

  X: Well, it wasn’t OK. It did matter!

  When we’ve tried and failed several times to talk about delicate subjects with someone we are loath to go back over old ground and end up in the same mess. It is hard to remain in the present when you have a history with a family member, a partner or a longstanding friend. Consequently we hesitate to try again when it always seems to end up as a fight and we fail to achieve any break through. It can be managed alternatively by following these steps so that, although you are aware that there is old ground, you can make a decision to go forwards instead of backwards.

  Although I have emphasised the importance of requesting a specific change, there are occasions when, after reflection, we can’t really specify what we want, not because we’re being lazy or chickening out but because the problem isn’t that specific in itself. Frequently in relationships you notice some general change in the other person: you pick up odd signals or notice a change in someone’s manner or behaviour and you’re not sure why. You don’t know what outcome you want because it needs an actual consultation with this individual to give you more information. In such cases, the answer to the third question can be simply a request for time to talk, an explanation or clarification about an issue to give you the information you need.

  Even when someone is reluctant to face up to things, the process of assertive confrontation can be really helpful in initiating an uncomfortable discussion and opening a door that the other person would prefer to keep closed. Sarah’s husband, Geoff, has Parkinson’s disease. Over the past three years his mobility has deteriorated but he refuses to talk about it. She understands why, of course, but she wants to be able to talk openly and directly about what plans to make and she wants to do this with Geoff, not for him. She has tried to discuss this in the past but it always degenerates into a row, with accusations of interference (from him) and of self-centeredness (from her) leading to the usual impasse.

  She first tells him she wants to set aside time to talk about something important to her. He is inevitably suspicious and uneasy but
agrees. They decide to sit in the garden.

  Sarah: Geoff, I want us to talk . . . about the future and your health.

  Geoff: Oh, for God’s sake, I thought that’s what it would be about (gets up to go)

  Sarah: Geoff, please don’t walk away from me. I realise it’s your illness but I can’t stand not talking about it anymore. I can’t stand it! (Geoff turns round and stops) It is breaking my heart to see what’s happening to you and I need to have some idea of what you want and how we, yes, we are going to manage everything.

  Geoff: I really don’t want to do this.

  Sarah: I know that. Of course I know that. But I want you to stop turning everything inwards and at least think about how you can let me in a bit. You don’t have to answer right now but I’d like to be able to talk to you and not have you shut up in your own head. Will you think about it?

  Geoff (stays silent a little while and then looks at her): OK. I’ll think about it (his tone is softer now)

  Sarah: Thank you. (Gets up) I’m going to the supermarket: do you want anything?

  This is enough for now: the door has been opened and, at times, that is all we can do.

  From teaching these skills over the years I have distilled four common pitfalls regarding the whole process of assertive confrontation:

  Avoid trying to change something you can’t

  When you consider your answer to the third question – what do I want to be different? – be realistic. You can ask for a change in behaviour but not if you are secretly wanting a complete remould of someone’s basic personality. However much you want someone to change, a basic introvert is never going to be the life and soul of the party; some people are never going to be good cooks; others are born chaotic and untidy so expecting a complete makeover is only going to end in disappointment. Be realistic in what you are asking.

  Avoid asking for more than one change at a time

  Once you have the person’s captive attention, you suddenly feel you’re on a roll: while you’re about it, it is tempting to mention this and that and then another thing! Before you know it, the other person is completely overwhelmed and, once someone’s back is against the wall, the only way to respond is to come out fighting. Keep to one thing and one thing only: this is what any of us can take at any one time. I find that most people are willing to consider and probably agree to a request for a single change as long as that one change is both specific and clear.