by Anne Dickson
Avoid post-mortems
When you check for understanding, this is supposed to be brief. First of all, (unlike yourself) the other person has not been preoccupied with these issues for a very long time so is likely to be taken aback. If you ask how someone feels, they may reply ‘nothing’: they may need time to reflect and let it all sink in. Avoid probing too deeply at this stage as a way of displacing your own anxieties about whether they will still like you/ love you/ talk to you/ respect you: give the other person whatever space they need. You will simply have to survive the uncertainty and let go the need to control the outcome. This is why closure is so important.
If you don’t discipline yourself to close the conversation, you will be tempted to pick over what you have said and question the other person’s response: extensive analysis will only end up undermining the effort you have made.
Avoid being under the influence
Start with a clear mind. Do not attempt to achieve clear communication when you – or the other person – is under the influence of alcohol or any other substance. Bolstering your own courage is tempting when you are nervous but you need to be clear-headed: avoid trying to communicate over a drink or during a meal. Remember the point about setting the scene: if you want the optimum chance of making this a successful interaction, avoid trying to communicate in the middle of any other activity.
A final suggestion is to end on an upbeat note. This does not mean ingratiating yourself with the other person to make up for what you fear could be an adverse response to your criticism: ‘Well, you know I like you really/please don’t take any notice of what I’ve just been saying/it’s really nothing/it’s not important.’ Nor is this about ‘sugaring the pill’ which only comes across as patronising and artificial. This suggestion means finding a positive and genuine statement to mark the end of the conversation, for example:
‘I’m glad to have had this chance to talk to you’
‘I’m relieved we’ve been able to clear the air’
‘I’m grateful to you for listening’
‘I’ve enjoyed being able to talk about these things with you’
‘I was so anxious about bringing this up . . . I feel much better for having got things out in the open’
If appropriate, you can add a positive statement about the other person. In the conversation between Nicole and Debbie, once Nicole had requested some new arrangement, she reassured her friend that she enjoyed having her to stay. You can find some remark to balance the interaction, some small positive comment which shows you genuinely value the other person and are not only seeing the negative.
This brings us to an equally important skill in the next chapter.
16
Giving and Receiving Compliments
Curiously enough, we encounter similar difficulties when handling appreciative comments. Self-censorship results in many opportunities that slip by without grasping the moment to say thank someone properly, to tell them how much they mean to us or how special they are in our lives. It seems a pity that so many of us wait until someone is dead before we make the time and effort to find the words to express how much we value them.
This difficulty can be traced back to our reluctance to be direct and to risk surviving a moment of awkwardness or embarrassment with another person. Consider your own approach: if you want to say something appreciative to someone, how do you go about it? Do you ignore it? Do you feel embarrassed giving a compliment and find yourself mumbling something almost inaudibly under your breath or saying something very general, like ‘You’re brilliant/awesome/fantastic/great’ or ‘love you’ which makes a start in conveying a positive message but falls short and leaves the other person unsure about what exactly you mean?
Overcoming your own awkwardness can be the first hurdle:
Rita, a single parent and forthright woman who had no difficulty expressing her feelings in other ways, found it impossible to tell her teenage daughter that she was impressed by her hard work and achievement at school. She wanted to tell her but didn’t know how.
Both Rita and Angie were in the kitchen.
Rita: (feeling surprisingly nervous) Angie, I want to say something but I feel really stupid.
Angie: (somewhat alarmed) What on earth is it?
Rita: (pauses to find the words) I just want to say how proud I am of you.
Angie: Oh, Mum.
Rita: No. I’m serious. I really am proud of what you’ve achieved at school. It hasn’t been easy for you without your Dad around and you’ve just got on with it all.
Angie: Well, you’ve made me respect myself, Mum. It isn’t all down to me. (Rita’s eyes fill with tears) Oh, come here, Mum. (Goes to give her a hug)
An assertive expression of appreciation involves a little effort and refinement of what you want to say. Instead of using a vague word like ‘good’, it is a bonus when you can be more specific, as in these examples:
‘That was a very difficult situation: you handled it very sensitively.’
‘I admire your persistence.’
‘I really value the time and trouble you take to make me feel comfortable.’
‘You look stunning in that dress.’
Being on the receiving end A similar kind of embarrassment around compliments tends to make us respond less than graciously when on the receiving end. We dismiss what the other person says in a variety of ways. For instance, someone compliments you on something you’re wearing and you quell their enthusiasm with a retort like ‘What? This old thing?’ or you look quite incredulous, ‘Elegant? I bought it ten years ago in a charity shop!’ If someone praises you for a task well done, your modesty assumes exaggerated proportions and you deny any credit, ‘ No, it was nothing’ or even ‘Don’t make such a fuss about it’.
Another defensive reaction to avoid is the automatic return: no sooner has the compliment left the other person’s lips than you are straight in with a kneejerk and often insincere reply: ‘Oh, but yours is lovely too’ or ‘I was just thinking the same about you!’ This again stems from our own anxiety and too easily negates whatever the other person has said.
Quite unintentionally, our defensive reactions make their gesture look inappropriate. Remember from your own efforts that when someone does take the trouble to give you a genuine compliment, they could be feeling vulnerable themselves.
Spot the difference If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking ‘Now what are they after?’ when someone gives you a compliment, it is probably because you are suspicious that a compliment is only flattery and is being used to manipulate you in some way. It is possible to discern the difference between true compliments and those with strings attached:
‘But you did it so well,’ you hear when someone is trying to make you change your mind and do it again.
‘We feel you’re exactly the right kind of person,’ when someone is trying to persuade you to take on a job that nobody else wants.
‘We can count on you to be understanding in the circumstances’, you hear as they are about to cheat you out of your fair share.
‘You’re always such a rock,’ they say, with a pat on the back when they are too uncomfortable to acknowledge that you are hurt and vulnerable.
It is true that compliments can be used manipulatively but, in our defensiveness, we risk throwing everything out indiscriminately. We learn to distrust compliments of any kind. A first step is to identify the duds and handle them in the same way as put-downs (Chapter 12). The second is to learn to receive assertively those which are offered in sincerity.
If you are not sure, ask the person to be clearer. If you are assured that a compliment is sincere, give a simple acknowledgement: a smile or simple ‘thank you’ is sufficient for the other person to know that their compliment has been received instead of dismissed or rejected. If you are sure that the intention is genuine but are not clear what is meant by ‘amazing’ or ‘incredible’, then again ask. Just a gentle encouragement helps the other person to make a little more effor
t to be specific. That effort can be much more rewarding for both of you.
You may want to go further and agree with the compliment. This does not mean an arrogant dismissal which implies that the speaker has stated something so obvious that it wasn’t worth saying. It means agreeing with what the other person says:
‘Thank you. I like this colour on me too.’
‘I’m glad you like it. I think it suits me better this way.’
‘I’m reassured that you think so. I wasn’t sure if I’d done the right thing or not.’
‘I’m pleased you noticed. I was quite proud of myself as well!’
Any comment that comes naturally to you, which allows you to show that you have heard what was said and that you liked it is all that’s needed.
Small and simple, spontaneous and specific The danger with looking at compliments in this way is that you will feel even more embarrassed and self-conscious than before. It is important to practise. It then becomes easier and you can allow yourself to be more spontaneous.
Linda and Ben were sitting in the garden, exhausted after a day with her very extended family who had descended on them for the day and had not long departed. They weren’t the easiest crowd and Linda was looking at Ben thinking how great he’d been. Instead of saying nothing or saying he’d been ‘great’, she took the opportunity to say something more heartfelt.
Linda: Ben, you know, I’m sitting here thinking that I really couldn’t have managed today without you.
Ben (shrugs): it’s OK.
Linda: It may not be a big deal for you but I really do appreciate it. You were so patient with the kids and made such an effort to make Roy welcome. I know you don’t like him but I was very touched that you went out of your way. (Ben feels a bit embarrassed and doesn’t say anything.)
Linda: It meant a lot to me (gets up to give him a kiss) I want you to know that.
Ben: It’s OK. But I can tell you . . . I’m glad they’ve gone!
Linda: So am I!
Kivita has just been awarded a place at the university of her choice. She is absolutely elated and has texted all her friends with the news. She then remembers Mrs Robson, her physics teacher who has been such a support the whole way through. She decides to see her at school and finds her in the classroom.
Kivita: Mrs Robson, can I see you for a moment?
Mrs Robson (turns round): Hello, Kivita. How are you?
Kivita: I’m really good . . . I got my place!
Mrs Robson: That’s wonderful news. I’m so pleased for you.
Kivita: I just wanted to say thank you. You were so helpful and you’ve been a brilliant teacher.
Mrs Robson: I was only doing my job.
Kivita: You did more than that. You really gave me confidence to keep going when I didn’t think I could ever make it. So thank you.
Mrs Robson: Well, it’s good of you to come in and tell me personally. I really value that.
Kivita: I’ll let you get on . . . bye
Mrs Robson: Bye, Kivita and good luck!
It is so easy to forget to say to the people who are important to us that we value them: we buy elaborate cards, offer expensive gifts or send greetings with commercially clichéd phrases instead of using simple, heartfelt words of our own. We remember to say thank you for tangible presents at Christmas, maybe, but we often forget to say thank you on all those small but numerous occasions which do not merit a big production but which could easily be honoured with a simple word of appreciation.
With practice, you’ll find yourself less afraid to speak out and be able to express appreciation simply because you feel like it. You will find it easier to respond immediately to people. We become so stuck in habits of comparison and competition that we forget how to reach out with a simple word or gesture of love or praise or acknowledgement just for the sake of it. A spontaneous hand-out that is sincere, heartfelt and absolutely free.
17
Women in the Workplace
Whether single or married, with or without a family, employed or self-employed; working to make a living, to make ends meet or to retain a measure of independence; whether established in a career, returning to work after bringing up a family or trying to balance motherhood and a career at the same time, there is nevertheless some common ground in the difficulties we encounter as working women.
Our concerns in the workplace are best understood from two angles: the external system – the culture and values of the organisation – and the internal problems many of us face in terms of self-doubt and uncertainty about handling authority which range from giving instructions, making refusals and correcting someone’s behaviour to challenging the status quo or confronting someone’s inadequate performance.
What we’re up against
The workplace has changed radically in the three decades since this book was first published and is a useful focus because it serves as a microcosm of cultural values. A lot of what I have written for women in the workplace is based on the reality that their experience is different from that of men. To young women who have seen their mothers work throughout their own childhood, it is easy to forget that, historically, it is only relatively recently that women have been employed outside the home.
Though women are now far more in evidence in middle and lower management, it is evident that, despite attempts at positive discrimination, underlying sexist attitudes still prevent access for the vast majority of women to the highest positions in every nation. Among those in power in the fields of industry, entertainment, medicine, education, politics, business and local government, there are few women so when a woman does achieve a prominent position, it is sufficiently remarkable to never pass unnoticed in the media. Claims (in the western world) that women have achieved equality of professional opportunity with men are based more in wishful thinking than reality.
Sexism, like racism and ageism, does not simply disappear because the law has changed: attitudes (whether conscious or subconscious) and deeply entrenched resistance to change simply go underground but their chilling influence blows down every corridor of power. Greater awareness and subsequent obeisance to politically correct procedures have led to a decrease in the grosser forms of sexual harassment in the workplace but women continue to encounter more tacit and subtle forms, less visible but equally shocking on impact, a bit like walking straight into a glass wall.
While ageism in the workplace applies to both men and women, older women feel an additional pressure caused by emphasis on the preference for youthful attractiveness over wrinkles: a double whammy so to speak. Even younger women who have not been aware of sexist attitudes while at school or university are surprised in their first jobs to find themselves treated by senior colleagues either as young attractive things or as sweet little girls.
One colleague in her middle years and working in a very competitive field told me that younger men with whom she now has to engage in the course of her work simply don’t know how to respond to her. Since, in their eyes, she is no longer viewed as sexually viable, they don’t know where to place her in the scheme of things; how to deal with her obvious expertise and competence; how to relate to her. The problem is that we know this mind-set exists. Media coverage of protests by a few sacked female TV presenters doesn’t shock: it merely confirms our direct or indirect experience of working within a particular culture which has been established over a very, very long time.
Internal thought system
Although one cannot do an awful lot about the external system – except not to deny it – a further stumbling block exists to the advancement of women in work: our own self-diminishing beliefs. When new initiatives are announced with the laudable aim of getting more women into parliament or executive positions within companies, the external barriers come under scrutiny. There are regular proposals for ‘quotas’ which always provoke the same controversy: surely women should achieve on their own merit versus the argument that unless there is a legal requirement, attitudes will never change.
/> Both sides of the argument tend to ignore the significance of our own inner barriers. Of course the availability of child care arrangements, for example, is a hugely significant factor for many women in terms of juggling day-to-day family and career responsibilities but our attitudinal and emotional difficulties tend always to be side-lined. It is as if we don’t want to admit they exist.
But they do. When I have worked with women at various levels of seniority and even in countries where the infrastructure of child care provision is way in advance of the UK, it doesn’t take long to find, when one scratches below the surface and provides a safe environment to talk, that women (middle-managers, executives and directors of companies) will still disclose an underlying lack of confidence. This may emerge as a tendency to work much, much harder than their male colleagues; to refuse no task that comes their way; to hold back from necessary confrontation or from speaking up in the minority; an inability to challenge an aggressive colleague or a reluctance to challenge the prevailing norms and values of the business culture in which they work. This uncertainty is certainly affected by external attitudes and stereotypes from others, but the point is, by denying a) that the system is there and b) that we feel unsure sometimes, we undermine our effectiveness to challenge it.
We cannot take on the entire bulwark of sexism but it is very much within our capability to challenge our own internal doubts. One of the first steps is to crawl out from under the suffocating weight of denial and recognise that being a woman at work means facing different challenges from her male counterparts. This is not to blame anyone in particular or to expect anyone else to do anything about it: it is simply to acknowledge what we’re up against. Consider the following typical concerns brought by women who attend training programmes to learn how to be more personally effective at work: