by Anne Dickson
‘I’d like to deal with male colleagues who are not pulling their weight without being labelled a nag.’
‘I want to confront workplace bullying and prejudice.’
‘I want to be able to act on and express disagreement especially with senior male colleagues.’
‘How do I deal with managers who are apparently unwilling to accept the real responsibilities of management? By this I mean developing a vision, leadership, setting priorities and team commitment.’
‘In a male-dominated field, my ideas are often dismissed’
‘I’m the only female lecturer in my department and I’d like to know how this affects my position.’
‘I’m increasingly up against a very aggressive competitive male atmosphere: how do I cope?’
‘Why do men in the workplace still think that women should be supportive of them and not criticise them?’
‘How do I tackle male colleagues who are generally supportive and would be appalled at the thought of being sexist and yet are unaware that there is a conspicuous bias that informs their way of thinking?’
‘I had to work for two years with a manager whose temper drove many staff to tears, including me.’
‘I find it difficult to distinguish between problems that I have arising from my gender and those arising from my level of competence.’
These give some idea of the challenges many women face in a normal working environment.
The assertive skills we have reviewed so far in this book all come into play in the context of the workplace as you will see from the following illustrations. These explore key recurring themes: fear of disapproval; balancing the personal with the impersonal; setting limits; handling money; dealing with harassment. These examples have been set out in detail to show how practising these skills – in a safe and supportive environment – leads to significant learning for the women taking part.
A willingness to accept a measure of disapproval
In Chapter 6, we reviewed our rights. The last one – the right to act independently of others’ approval – is especially pertinent here because one of most commonly revealed obstacles to our effectiveness at work is our unwillingness to tolerate being disliked. Many of us fear disapproval which interferes with behaving authoritatively when we need to: this fear leads to hesitation or overkill, depending on our perceptions of the other person.
Tessa wanted to confront a member of her team, a man who was attractive, popular and a good salesman but who would never get his end-of-month figures to her on time. She had asked him several times before but without success.
When we discussed the issue, Tessa admitted that she was insecure about asking because she felt a little undermined by him and had the impression that he wasn’t really taking her seriously as his manager. This both irritated and worried her.
I suggested she took the initiative. This was difficult to arrange because he was hardly ever in the office but, as it was important, she knew she’d have a better chance with a face-to-face conversation. He was going to be in the office for a team meeting so she decided to ask him to meet her for ten minutes before the meeting started.
Practice 1
Tessa: Hello, Bob. Take a seat, thanks for coming.
Bob: What’s with the formality then?
Tessa: I don’t find this easy (self-disclosure), Bob, but the situation now is serious. Each month I chase you for your returns and each month you are late. This means I send them late to the head office. I’d like to have them in on time.’
Bob: ‘So what does it matter if they’re a bit late? My figures are good and that’s what matters, not the admin.’
Tessa: ‘I know your figures are good, but I still have to provide end-of-month team figures, whether I want to or not and I need yours on time, Bob. Do you understand?’
Bob: (a little mockingly) Yes, Miss.
Tessa: ‘You don’t have to take that attitude, Bob.’
Tessa’s Learning 1
Does it matter? If she behaves assertively and clearly and does her job with authority, does it matter that Bob feels compelled to respond with sarcasm or mockery? If the answer is yes, Tessa faces a very arduous task ahead trying to smooth everything out, please everyone, keep them smiling and ensure a happy ending for all. If the answer is no, she can shelve her need to be liked and settle for being respected.
Practice 2
Tessa: Hello, Bob. Take a seat, thanks for coming.
Bob: What’s with the formal meeting then?’
Tessa: (not getting hooked by Bob’s manner but staying more rooted within herself) I don’t find this easy, Bob, but the situation now is serious. Each month I chase you for your returns, and each month you are late. This means I send them late to head office. I’d like to have them in on time.
Bob: So what does it matter if they’re a bit late? My figures are good and that’s what matters, not the admin.
Tessa: I know your figures are good, but I still have to provide end-of-month team figures, whether I want to or not, and I need yours on time, Bob, do you understand? (Repetition and reinforcement)
Bob: (a little mockingly) Yes, Miss.
Tessa: (taking a deep breath, anxious inside but with more external assurance) I don’t find this easy, Bob, but I’d like your figures by the end of the month and I’d like your agreement to this. This is not as a personal favour to me: it’s for everyone else’s benefit as well.
Bob: (with a loud sigh) Well, I’ll see what I can do.
Tessa: (getting into her stride now) I need those figures on time, Bob.
Bob: OK. (Tessa stands up to indicate an end to the meeting)
Tessa: Thanks for coming.
Tessa’s Learning 2
Tessa was convinced. ‘It’s true.’ she said. ‘It isn’t personal . . . and it really doesn’t matter.’
Tessa learned an invaluable lesson. Precisely because of the system – and as I mentioned earlier, women are relatively newcomers in the workplace – it is the system we have to contend with. When we encounter these attitudes and prejudices, we make the mistake of taking them personally which is completely understandable because they are affecting us personally: we get upset, hurt and frustrated. But, in a way, we are merely representatives of our gender in an extremely unequal and biased system. Men of all ages have difficulty with women in positions of authority and are likely to project all sorts of stereotypes onto us: we may be subjected to these equally from women employees as well. I’ve noticed an interesting tendency (among both men and women) to be far less tolerant and more critical of female bosses than their male counterparts which is further evidence that sexism hasn’t disappeared from the bedrock of people’s attitudes.
Balancing the person with the impersonal
It can help to stand back a little and see that what is happening is not necessarily to do with who you are as an individual female human being but also what you represent in the greater scheme of things. By diminishing your sense of being targeted as an individual, you gain sufficient emotional distance to help you realise that there may be very little you can do to change the wider picture in which you find yourself. What you can do, however, is determine what you want from a particular colleague or employee or boss and then go for it, clearly and specifically and directly.
If you can shelve your (personal) need to be liked and settle for your (professional) wish to be respected, handling your authority gets easier. Reminding yourself of this boundary is a great help: when you need support and understanding to counter the sense of isolation (which we all do from time to time) seek it from those who care for you and see you.
The need to be clear about the personal/work boundary emerges in other ways. Glynis was particularly unhappy about two women in the office where she worked, who persisted in asking her about her private life. Where was she going in the evening? What had she done at the weekend? Who was she seeing? Who was the man who had met her from work last week? And so on. She did not know how to handle it. When sh
e role-played it in the group, she found she wasn’t alone in finding it difficult to refuse to answer similarly intrusive questions without being aggressive. It took practice but Glynis was eventually able to convince them without being hostile that she did not want to answer their questions.
Lucy also wanted to maintain privacy for another reason. After ten years’ absence from paid work and having a family, Lucy had started a job in an insurance office. The personnel manager emailed her to inform her that he was going to contact her family doctor to check details of her past medical history. She was so stunned that she did not reply to it. In fact, she was really anxious that the personnel department should not delve into her past: she had been in hospital twice for depression and suspected that this would be held against her. With the support and encouragement from others on the course, she went in to work the next day and made an appointment to see the personnel manager in person. She told him assertively that she didn’t want him to write to her doctor as she felt this to be an infringement of her privacy. She believed she was taking a risk in that she might lose the job in doing so but her wishes were respected on this occasion without any negative consequences.
One of the criticisms leveled at women is a tendency to be ‘emotional’ and work is no exception. Being human, of course, means that we will probably be sensitive to feelings: we often pick up ‘atmospheres’ and unaddressed issues. Self-disclosure, once again, is an enormous help in expressing feelings in a way that doesn’t interfere with our ability to function. A little emotional distance doesn’t mean that you have to be unfeeling, heartless or robotic. You can still be human even when you are operating in a professional and authoritative manner. Being sensitive doesn’t automatically translate into being able to address what we sense is happening: this step requires a certain degree of resolve and courage but whenever we decide to directly address an impasse or an apparently closed door of hostility, our inner confidence is boosted.
Sandra had been appointed to Head of Department in a large school and found herself having to work with Lena, an older woman, who had been at the school a long time and had applied unsuccessfully for Sandra’s post. Sandra had attempted to build bridges between herself and Lena over the course of the first term but her overtures were met with a chilly aloofness. The problem was that there were only four in the department and they needed to collaborate. Unexpressed feelings very easily create an intangible gulf in all our relationships and, even at work, can adversely affect the ability to achieve co-operation.
Sandra had let things ride for a while believing there was nothing she could do. There were too many aspects that she couldn’t change. She took the opportunity to practise in a training session. What did she want? What was her starting point? She decided she wanted at least to have a discussion and clear the air.
She arranged for Lena to come to her office.
Practice 1
Sandra: Lena, thanks for coming. I realise you’re not happy with me being here but I’d like to find some way of working better together.
Lena: (stiffly) Is there something wrong with the way I work?
Sandra: No, I didn’t mean that. It’s just that we need to have a talk about things.
Lena: There’s nothing to talk about.
The atmosphere between them tense and uncomfortable.
The learning here was twofold: more helpful to use self-disclosure to begin with and not to use the word ‘we’ in this context: this happens when we are anxious so it is a little manipulative, in trying to establish some false camaraderie. Phrases such as ‘I thought we’d have a little chat’ or ‘we need to speak about what’s happening’ tend to make the other person suspicious and defensive which is not the ideal start!
Practice 2
Sandra: Thanks for coming, Lena. I’ve asked you here because I find myself in a difficult situation. I’ve tried to improve our working relationship but you don’t seem to want to, so I’m frustrated. I’m not asking you to like me – I can’t do anything about the circumstances – but what bothers me is that it is getting in the way of our working relationship. And that does matter to me. So I’d like to clear the air enough for us to be able to move on. Can you accept that?
Lena: (paying far more attention) What exactly do you have in mind?
Sandra: I don’t have anything specific in mind – I’d like to talk more openly, that’s all. You’ve got a lot of experience in things that I don’t and I have some in other areas. I’d really like to make this work but the decision is yours. Will you at least think about it?
(Lena shrugs her shoulders but the hostility has dissipated. They end the meeting there.)
That’s enough. Sandra cannot do any more but has given Lena a clear option. That’s all she can do but even so, facing her anxiety about confronting the problem really strengthened her self-esteem: she didn’t have to continue feeling helpless.
Two further problematic areas emerge time after time in training: setting limits on the time and energy we give to our work and also the topic of money.
Setting limits
A major obstacle to being assertive at work is the problem of establishing the limits of the job and your particular responsibilities. What are you expected to do? Do you feel you are asked to do more than you are paid to do? What do you demand of yourself? Most of us do not take the time to ask ourselves these questions and, as a result, we get into the habit of taking on more than we want to and stretching ourselves to the limit.
In Chapter 8, we looked at some of the issues facing us when we want to say ‘no’. This time, in addition, the fear that our jobs are on the line constitutes a powerful inhibitor. Although there may be some truth in this, a lot depends on how we set limits and when. However, problems in this area are not straightforward: there is also an insidious emotional influence that is rarely addressed. This is the ‘superwoman’ stereotype often featured in the popular press. You’ll be familiar with her features: the woman who is a highflying financial wizard, earning a six or seven figure salary, has five contented children who are all accomplished and doing well at school; a happy and supportive husband and, on top of it all, manages to look incredibly glamorous and elegant.
As a role model, ‘Superwoman’ elicits as much angst and despair as inspiration and encouragement. Which does it do for you? Of course there is nothing intrinsically wrong with high achievers but the worrying element is that this stereotype taps into an already existing tendency among many women to exceed their own limits to a point of self-detriment physically, psychologically and emotionally.
The effect of the ‘superwoman’ myth can be detected when we find ourselves thinking one or more of the following: ‘being tired is a sign of weakness or at least admitting I am tired is a sign of weakness’, ‘I have to muster that last bit of energy from somewhere’, ‘I have to keep going to the bitter end’. With these thoughts to contend with, we end up becoming over-burdened and depressed, sometimes physically ill. We behave as if our energy and time and our resources were unlimited.
It can be easy to forget that we have the right to acknowledge our own needs for care. It goes against the grain to admit openly that we need to rest and replenish our resources. The urge to prove herself a match to the tireless superwoman drives a woman on and on: taking on extra work, working too late at night or at weekends, being ever accessible to clients and patients and family, coping with every crisis around her, anticipating everyone’s needs with a headful of a-hundred-and-one things at a time will all eventually take their toll. The internal murmur ‘what about me?’ builds into a scream.
How do we express this exhaustion? Dulcie is always tired. Her shoulders are hunched, her feet move slowly. She punishes her body by going on too long. Her back aches. She may go and ask the doctor for something to keep her going. She may cry every now and again with exhaustion. Others suspect something is wrong and try to persuade her to take a rest but she refuses.
Agnes pushes herself hard as well and everyone else ar
ound her. She is impatient with anyone who slows her down or does not do what they are supposed to do. She pushes others as she pushes herself, intolerant of frailty, feelings, mistakes, ‘time-wasting’, delay or anything that doesn’t go according to her (very tight) schedule.
Ivy, as you might expect, expresses her feelings indirectly. She too is likely to feel resentful but will use guilt to make this known. She may even go out of her way to make some elaborate but quite unnecessary effort, imposing unsolicited care and attention on those around her. They may protest in vain: they don’t know whether to feel grateful or guilty but they may certainly feel uncomfortable under the weight of some unarticulated but extremely heavy expectations.
An assertive approach starts with realising how hard it is to break the habit of what can potentially develop into a vicious circle: the more tired you become, the less assertive you feel and therefore you become less able to set limits and say enough is enough. Instead of calling a halt when you need most to do so, you can find yourself believing that just a little bit more can’t make that much difference.
Many women adopt this pattern of behaviour which can become compulsive, even addictive: there is a lot of pleasure and satisfaction to be found in stretching yourself to achieve fifty goals where anyone else would only have achieved ten. And there is a curious pride we can feel in achieving what others deem impossible. Sometimes it is our very frustration which fuels a self-punishing frenzy of over-activity.
Breaking out of the circle needs to be done very gradually. Selma decided to start in a small way in her own life. Setting aside half an hour each day was a beginning – to do whatever she wanted – lie down, sit, walk, rest, whatever. It takes a mammoth effort of will because she could still find thirty things she ‘should’ be doing but she managed to allow her guilt to hover around her like a fog until it eventually evaporated. When her phone went, she reminded herself that this was her time. She needed the time to review how she could begin to cut back on her other activities: where she could begin to delegate, ask for help and say ‘no’ to more.