by Anne Dickson
Practice 2
Tina decided her best option was to say something in private. She located an empty room and asked Barry if she could have a word with him.
Tina This won’t take long. Barry, you know you do keep going on about my age. I don’t know why. Do you have a problem with me being nineteen? I can’t do anything about it, you know. Anyway I’d like you to stop.
Barry I don’t always go on about it.
Tina You do, Barry. And it’s beginning to get on my nerves so I’d like you to stop. Could you agree to that? I would really appreciate it. (Barry looks completely surprised. He shrugs.)
Tina I’ll take that as a ‘yes’ then. Thanks. (She leaves the room.)
Keeping it short and sweet is the key to this kind of interaction. She doesn’t need to initiate a deep and meaningful conversation but to get the message across as she did: it was important to end the conversation by leaving the room. This allows Tina to recover and Barry to digest in private what she has said to him.
Less obvious examples of discrimination can also occur in the form of:
• Put-downs by colleagues
• Intimidation by using threatening gestures or language
• Exclusion from decision-making
• Being asked to fulfil trivial and demeaning tasks
• Being denied credit from bosses for work achieved
• Your expertise and credibility undermined by a colleague/boss in public
The realisation that there is a gender difference and that it is not in our imagination doesn’t mean that we are always right in our perceptions. Sometimes we hear a put-down when there isn’t one or wrongly attribute someone’s criticism to a sexist or racist attitude. Of course we make mistakes but we can forgive ourselves and take responsibility knowing that reality is a lot more empowering than denial. The reality of sexism and racism in the workplace, as elsewhere in life, is undeniable.
One of the things that hold us back is that these issues are such minefields that we fear getting lost in such hazardous territory. This reinforces the need to have a specific request before you start and also to both initiate and close the conversation so you can keep it within the limits that you are ready and prepared to handle.
Viv worked with six male colleagues. She liked them and they worked well together. The problem was the continued banter about the time of the month, being emotional, her hormones and so on. This was often said with humour but it was incessant. Up to now, she had told herself she was being over-sensitive but had withdrawn more and more until she realised that she had reached the point when she felt unable to contribute to the team as she wanted. How could she deal with the situation without coming across as too ‘heavy’?
Practice 1
This provides another example of when not to wait until it happens again before you tackle it, which is what Viv had imagined herself doing. Instead, she took the initiative, asking everyone to a short meeting at the coffee break.
(Six colleagues seated at or near the table, all eyes on Viv.)
Viv: Look, I’ve asked you to meet because there is something I want to talk about. It’s not easy but you keep putting me down, referring to my hormones and so on . . .
A: It’s only a tease, we don’t mean it . . . ’
Viv: I know it’s a joke but I get fed up with it.
B: We’re like that with everyone, you shouldn’t take it seriously.’
Viv: I know you are . . . but (losing heart and losing her way through the dialogue)
I asked her what was happening and she replied that this was exactly what happened: she would try to make a serious point and it would be dismissed, all good-hearted banter but still dismissed. She was keen to try again, using self-disclosure.
Practice 2
Viv: I’m feeling very anxious about saying this (self-disclosure). (All eyes now on Viv and paying attention.) I’ve called you to a short meeting because there’s something I want to talk to you all about. When I say something serious, you tend to dismiss it with a flip comment or a remark about my hormones . . .
A: Playing up now, are they . . . ?’ (there are a few smiles)
Viv: You’re doing it now . . . it makes me really angry.’
B: You shouldn’t take it so seriously . . . ’
Viv: ‘Well, I do take it seriously because I’m fed up with it . . . (tears well up in her eyes)
A: You don’t have to get upset.
B: You always look as if you can take a joke.
Viv: (regaining her composure) Look, I haven’t said anything before because I didn’t want to spoil the ‘team spirit’ and all that. I don’t know whether you’ve noticed but I don’t contribute as much as I used to because I don’t feel able to be myself . . . every time I open my mouth to say something, you make some comment about me being a woman . . . (not a joke to be heard, just a slightly uncomfortable silence . . . ) so I want to ask you to ease off a bit. I don’t want to be po-faced about it . . . all I’m asking is for you to make an effort to consider what I’m saying before you make a joke. (She could sense the atmosphere had changed so she moved away from the subject.) Thanks for listening. We’d better get back to work. Rick, do you have the number of the technician?’ (Closing the conversation and moving to a neutral topic.)
Viv learned that you can lose your way and regain it again while you’re talking. She also learned the importance of stating her anger clearly instead of blaming and to ask for a specific change which, in this instance, was to stop.
When faced with these issues, part of the problem is doubt as to whether they are real or imaginary. Abena worked as a technician in a laboratory concerned with cancer research. Twice in three years there had been the possibility of her moving to a higher position and she had begun to wonder if she was being overlooked, and if so, why. She did not have the easiest of relationships with her boss, Philippa, but decided to talk to her. She knew this would be a difficult conversation so did her homework beforehand and found answers to those three key questions: what’s happening, how do you feel and what do you want to be different? Her three points were: I am concerned about being overlooked for promotion; I am disappointed; I’d like to know what is going on. She made an appointment to see her.
Practice 1
Abena: Thank you for seeing me, Philippa. I’m wondering if you could tell me why I wasn’t considered for the senior research post last month.
Philippa: You were considered but there was someone more qualified.
Abena: Excuse me saying this, Philippa, but this has happened twice now and I’m beginning to wonder if you have a problem with me . . .
Philippa: (narrows her eyes) What exactly are you implying, Abbie?
Abena: I am not implying anything. I just want to know if you have a problem with me being African.
Philippa: (defensive and a little hostile) I hope you’re not accusing me of anything, Abbie.
Abena: I wasn’t accusing you, I just wondered . . .
Philippa: I really have to get on now. This meeting is over.
Abena could just leave it there but she is unconvinced. Philippa never gets her name right, she talks across her at staff meetings. She even grimaces occasionally when she is speaking as if she finds it impossible to understand what Abena is saying, so much so that she checked this out with other colleagues but they said they didn’t have a problem. She decided to try again and be more definite in her request.
Practice 2
Abena: Thank you for seeing me, Philippa. (She sits back in her chair and looks at her directly). I don’t find this easy to say but I have a feeling you may feel a little prejudiced towards me.
Philippa: Don’t be so ridiculous!
Abena: I get the impression that you are uncomfortable with me being African.
Philippa: You are talking nonsense, Abbie.
Abena: My name is Abena, you know. I don’t want to accuse you of anything but I wonder if my colour makes you blind to my abilities as a scientist. (Philip
pa looks distinctly unnerved.) It does happen very easily, you know.
Philippa: What do you mean?
Abena: I would like to know if you have a problem with my work, Philippa. Do you find my work satisfactory? Are you pleased with it?
Philippa: Your work is fine.
Abena: Well, then, I’d like you to seriously consider me for promotion when the next opportunity arises. Will you agree to do that?
Philippa: (a bit perplexed by now) Yes, of course, Abbie.
Abena: (quietly but firmly) Ab-e-na
Philippa: Sorry . . . Abena.
Abena: (stands and smiles): Thanks you for your time, Philippa. (She walks out of the room.)
This kind of gentle forcefulness is a true hallmark of personal power. No attack, no weapons, just a persistent and unswerving conviction of your own perception and, at the same time, treating the other as an equal. Communicating assertively allows a space for exchange, for seeds of real change to be sown.
This chapter has been concerned with addressing some of the problems encountered as female employees in the workplace. Many women however feel alienated within a work culture, not because of sexism per se but because of the general value system which affects both male and female employees. The following chapter addresses the question of handling authority within a system of perpendicular power.
Following on
1. If you are anticipating an interview for a job, set up a role-play. Give the ‘interviewer’ some clues as to what to ask.
2. Talk to your partner about a financial concern.
3. Think of three problematic situations at work you would like to address. Ask yourself your three key questions and write down answers for them. If you want to go further, with someone’s help, use role play to practise one or more of them.
4. Imagine yourself in any of the following scenarios and practise negotiating a price which leaves you feeling neither guilty nor cheated:
a) For the past two months, you have been giving someone a lift to work. You do not have to go out of your way and you enjoy the company but you want to ask for a contribution to the petrol.
b) Your friends know you cook well. You are asked to cater for a large party. Even though you enjoy cooking you are aware of all the work involved and would like to ask for some payment, over and above the cost of the food.
c) You are a professional illustrator and a friend asks you, as a favour, to design a special birthday card. He expects you to do it for nothing as it is such a small job. You want to negotiate some payment.
If none of these feel close enough to your own life, identify a situation which is more relevant and which will give you an opportunity to practise.
5. Starting with the phrase ‘I have to . . . ’ write down the list of responsibilities you have in your life. When you come to the end, write down ‘I choose to . . . ’ and then copy down the list. See if there is anything you feel personally responsible for that you could delegate to someone else.
6. Make a list of positive qualities you bring to your work. It is easy for women to minimise qualifications and achievement. Practise asserting your strengths and successes out loud to someone who will then reciprocate.
18
Women and Authority
How do we manage to be authoritative without being authoritarian? Remember the difference between perpendicular power and personal power: how do we handle the power or authority that is attached to a position that we hold? How can we carry out the role and responsibilities of our legitimate power over others without oppressing those below us in the hierarchy?
I don’t believe that men handle this conflict any more effectively than women but many men feel more at home with the aggressive, competitive model because of conditioning.
It is not uncommon for female executives to themselves feel under enormous pressure to perform in a particular way and that because the modus operandi in the workplace culture is already established – by generations of men before them – they simply have to follow the same rules . . . or fail. When we’re anxious about what someone else will think of us, it is an easy step to do as others do: be abrupt, arrogant, intimidating, show we mean business, look tough and be as hard as nails. If you choose this option, it is important never to lose sight of the fact that this approach stems from anxiety, not genuine confidence or a sense of personal power.
Some women are content to emulate this model and make it their own, either by being ‘one of the men’ and overtly tyrannical or by using the adaptation of ‘velvet-gloved aggression’: what employees experience in response to female bosses who adopt this particular strategy is being ever so sweetly, ever so charmingly and ever so softly crushed.
However, many other women feel more ambivalent. They don’t feel comfortable ‘pulling rank’. They do not want to risk alienating others or to jeopardise the possibility of co-operation: they move from a sense of concern for the other person and try to balance this with their authority . . . but then hesitate. When we don’t want to behave in an overtly aggressive manner, we tend to moderate our behavior to our detriment: we often speak too softly and unsteadily; our communication lacks firmness and clarity. Our words are vague instead of specific; we fail to take ourselves seriously and we are insufficiently direct in our approach. As a consequence the totality of our message is weak and often ineffectual, leaving us (and others) frustrated.
The lack of any obvious middle ground leaves us disadvantaged. So if you’re one of those women who would like to know how to be authoritative, effective and even ballsy without being a bitch into the bargain, this chapter is very relevant.
The balance is to be found in managing authority assertively. This is part of setting limits. We looked at the importance of boundaries and setting limits first when saying no; we looked again when reviewing the emotion of anger. Personal boundaries are an integral part of personal power and anchored in self-esteem. In the workplace we have to juggle with our personal boundaries but also with the boundaries of our particular role: the authority, requirements and responsibilities that are a necessary aspect of that role.
Before looking at personal skills in this context, again we need to take a step back and look at the wider picture. The core principles underlying assertive behavior and communication need to be seen against a backdrop of the general culture of the workplace which promotes very different values. Identifying the unspoken norms helps you to find alternatives. Uncovering what you perceive as dominant values at work doesn’t take long. Consider the following questions:
• What are the accepted norms: what is considered acceptable or unacceptable behaviour?
• What are the goals?
• What kinds of behavior are prized and what earns disapproval?
• What do you have to do to fit in? What must you avoid doing?
• What does it actually mean to ‘act male’ or to be one of the boys?
We often take the surrounding environment so much for granted that we can’t see the detail clearly at first. As a guide, this is a profile of the dominant culture of a typical organisation, assembled from the responses of course participants over the years:
Context
Permanent inequality in a fixed linear direction means that hierarchical power dominates. Those above have more power that those below; they have greater access to various resources and higher remuneration. The higher the position, the more valued the work: directorial/managerial responsibility is given higher kudos than administrative or clerical responsibility.
Aims and means
The sole goal is financial: the higher the profit the better. Ever increasing profit becomes the only yardstick of success and the means to these goals are competition and battle waged by fair means or foul. Aggression is therefore the sanctioned and primary mode of behaviour. Ruthlessness and bullying are acceptable as a means of eliminating competition.
Interpersonal relations
With the ascendance of the audit culture, the human dimension in the w
orkplace has been transformed by encouraging an impersonal environment which discourages relationship. Employees are viewed as ‘resources’ whose performance is subjected to various systems of monitoring through, for example, input and output indicators and returns, risk assessments and reviews, as a means of quality control with a view to making delivery more competitive. Even in those professions which previously revolved around relationships with pupils, students, patients or vulnerable members of the public, employees have found themselves far more involved in administration of targets and standards than in direct engagement with their charges.
Within this framework, certain norms develop:
♦ Integrity is swallowed up by the sanction of dishonesty. This is inevitable and becomes the norm when an individual is judged by performance. How you appear is what matters: you must be seen to be arriving early and leaving late, to be dedicated, to maintain a confident manner at all times. This leads to the well-known phenomenon of bullshitting: appearing always to know what you are talking about, even (and especially) when you don’t.
♦ The blame culture. Following on from the strategy of bullshitting is the necessity to hide, deny or find a fall guy for any error. There is no room for mistakes, for vulnerability, for being human.
♦ The predominance of self-interest. Independent promotion takes precedence over colleagues: you have to watch your back, choose allies, avoid enemies, manipulate people and fiddle the system. Research has shown that within the audit culture, the dominance of individualism has damaged professional relationships and generated an implicit norm: the ‘me-first’ of egotism. (See Susan Long in Bibliography on Page 20)
These values may come as no surprise but consider your personal reaction to them.
• Do you feel uncomfortable or resigned to acknowledging ‘this is the way it’s done’?
• Do you ever find yourself in conflict with these values?
• Are you uncertain of alternatives?
• Are there occasions when you blame yourself for not fitting in with them?