by Anne Dickson
This is what Fiona had to do. She worked as a nurse at night in a local hospital: childcare and housework filled up the remainder of her day, allowing herself virtually no rest and little sleep. She knew she was tired but what she had to do was first acknowledge her need to ask for help from her partner and then to see how she could get that help. By asking him to do some shopping and her sister to pick up the children from school, she was able to make a start.
Making the first step is difficult. It is easy to pretend that you can still manage and that things have not really got out of hand at all.
Jackie had been working for two years as a PA to a busy executive. Almost unnoticeably her job, which had started as eight hours a day, had taken over her evenings and most of her weekends. As the company was restructured, she was asked to do the administrative work for others in the department. The more competent she proved herself to be, the more she was asked to take on.
She did not once say ‘no’ but let everything accumulate until she found she had no time for personal life at all. Looking at why she always allowed herself to take on more and more, she realised that she didn’t want to say ‘no’ because she feared she would lose her job if she appeared unwilling or unco-operative, so she failed to set clear limits with her boss. Jackie decided at this point that she needed to look at ways in which she could ensure sufficient personal free time while still coping with her job. For her, this meant taking the initiative, approaching her boss, arranging a meeting and exploring the situation together.
Practice 1
(Jackie enters Ken’s office at a pre-arranged time.)
Jackie: Thanks for seeing me, Ken.
Ken: (looks up) So what’s up?
Jackie: Well, I feel very awkward about bringing this up (self-disclosure) but I need to talk to you about how to restructure some of my workload.
Ken: Tell me about it!
Jackie: I know you’re under pressure as well, Ken. But for a while now I’ve been aware that things are building up and I end up working late and at weekends I’m still working. I just need a bit more time for myself.
Ken: I sympathise – my kids hardly get to see me these days – but I really don’t know what I can do. Things are just like that.
A good beginning but Jackie has learned again how hard it is to proceed with nothing definitive to aim for. This is a common omission and goes back once again to the difficulty of being specific: Ken is agreeable and sympathetic but Jackie isn’t going to get anywhere without a specific request. This helps the other person focus on something concrete instead of floundering under a generalised complaint without much idea where to proceed. Remember, being specific is your responsibility.
Practice 2
(Jackie enters Ken’s office.)
Jackie: Hi, Ken. Thanks for seeing me.
Ken: OK. What can I do for you?
Jackie: Well, I feel a bit awkward about asking this but I need to find a way – with your help – to restructure my workload so I get a little more time to myself.
Ken: I know what it’s like. Believe me. It’s tough for all of us.
Jackie: I realise that but you see, Ken, I’m taking home stuff in the evenings and at weekends and it’s getting too much. I would like to find a way, with your help, to restructure my workload.
Ken: But what can I do?
Jackie: Well, there are a couple of possibilities. We could consider getting someone in to replace Jill which would help: that’s my preferred choice. Or we could ask Jay to come in an extra day and take over a section of the marketing. (Two specific options)
Ken: (ponders) I’ll have to check it out. I’m really not sure we can do much at the moment.
Jackie: Ken, I really like working for you. I believe I contribute a lot and want to stay. It’s just that I’m not giving of my best. It’s hard to admit it but there are limits. If we can restructure my workload, it will make a big difference. (Repetition and reinforcement)
Ken: (sighs) I know . . . look, Jackie, I’ll have a word and see what, if anything, can be sorted.
Jackie: Thanks, Ken. I really appreciate it. I’ll check up on when you get back from Denmark next week. (She gets up and leaves his office.)
Being amenable, friendly, committed and above all obliging may be important aspects of the image you want to project to others. But sometimes the expectation becomes a trap. You become known as obliging: people rely on you to be obliging, you can always be depended on to say ‘yes’ where someone else would say ‘no’. This makes it increasingly difficult to begin changing the pattern. The first time you say ‘no’, your uncharacteristic response may cause a little consternation and this is often the crunch point: ‘But you usually/but you always/but we’ve been able to depend on you in the past . . . ’ are typical responses. Once you get over this hurdle, it gets easier and you’ll find it possible to break the pattern, maybe not every time but enough to stop getting to a point of overload.
Judy found this to be true for her. As a teacher and single, she found herself constantly lumbered with various assignments or paperwork to complete after school and at weekends. She was then asked to be part of a team that accompanied a group on holiday over Easter. The staff assumed she would oblige, which of course she did. She felt she did not have the right to say ‘no’ as she did not have family responsibilities like the others. Once Judy admitted to herself that she did not want to take on all the extra work, she was able to exercise more discretion. She learned to define more clearly her dual obligation to herself and her colleagues and from that position could then choose to give up some of her free time after school hours but not all of it.
Negotiation and money
Since this book was first published, the economic scene has been irretrievably transformed. Neoliberal economic policies have taken over the world with seismic political and social repercussions, one of which is that instead of being a specialist preoccupation, the economy has taken centre stage in mainstream media with everyone, both men and women, discussing it on a daily basis. Women financiers and stockbrokers are now firmly installed and we are no longer hidebound by the attitude that it is unfeminine to know about, talk about or argue about money.
And yet, many ordinary women, who are not financial professionals, still find it hard to assert themselves when dealing with money: how to tell a client or student that they need to increase their charges, for example, or to ask for a raise at work or request a repayment of a loan they have made to a family member or friend. At the root of these difficulties remain vestiges of the belief that it is still not ‘nice’ to have to talk about money which infiltrate our interactions.
Maureen found it difficult to query a bill. She would always feel embarrassed and if ever she suspected she was being overcharged in a shop or restaurant, she did not mention it because she was embarrassed to do so.
Jo had planned to go on holiday with Virginia for two weeks. As the time approached, she realised that Virginia, who had a well-paid job, had a lot more money to spend than she did. Jo didn’t want to cause an ‘atmosphere’ between them before they went away but neither did she want to spoil her holiday worrying.
Kathleen, too, needed some financial help. Her pension was very limited and she knew her daughter would be able and probably only too willing to help her but she felt it was undignified to talk about such things.
Margaret found it extremely difficult to ask for the return of £100 which she had lent her brother. It bothered her yet she felt too uncomfortable to ask directly. She told herself that she was being petty and that a hundred pounds shouldn’t matter that much. She kept hoping that her brother would remember and suddenly produce it. When she did ask him, after practising in a workshop, she found he had forgotten completely and he immediately repaid the loan.
A similar discomfort presents difficulties when negotiating a price for labour. If you are not employed within a fixed payment structure, how do you arrive at a price? Do you pick a figure out of a hat? Do you settle on a
price that you know is appropriate but then ask for less, get less and moan about all those people charging more than you and getting away with it?
If you hesitate to ask for money for whatever reason, you need to ask yourself if you feel comfortable with giving away your time and talent or are you selling yourself short? Pam was faced with such a dilemma: she had been a hairdresser before she married and enjoyed cutting hair for the women on the estate. But they were friends and did not have much money to spare. An assertive compromise for her was to exchange cutting hair for babysitting time which suited everyone. She was happy that her time and talent were valued and her customers, who could not afford to pay in cash, were happy to pay in kind.
Cecilia was Italian and made her living as a language teacher. When she role-played asking her fees for private tuition what emerged was her embarrassment at actually mentioning a price directly. It was important for her to practise saying what she wanted as an hourly rate.
Our anticipation of disapproval is often imaginary so it is useful to take the time to feel more comfortable with actually stating the fee and sticking to it. Of course we are still liable to meet real disapproval. I have learned over many years of freelance work that whatever I state as a fee will appear outrageously over-priced to some and a surprising bargain to others. The only way to cope with these fluctuations is to find a fee that you yourself feel comfortable with negotiating.
Discomfort with the mention of money can cause anxiety when asking for a raise at work.
Josie wanted a pay rise because her job as office manager had expanded over the last two months with one colleague leaving. She was happy with her work but it was beginning to irritate her that she wasn’t getting paid a bit more when she was doing more. She also heard that a new colleague had started on a basic salary that was higher than her own. Although Josie knew what she wanted – more money because she was feeling undervalued – one of the traps we can fall into in this kind of situation is to be as vague as possible about the actual sum of money involved.
It is important to do some homework beforehand and to be clear of a figure you have in mind which represents a fair price in the circumstances of your qualifications, experience and responsibilities: your market price, as it were. Josie decided to ask for another £8000 before practising her approach to her manager.
Having made an appointment beforehand, she goes to talk to her manager, Rob.
Practice 1
Josie: Hi, Rob, is it OK if I come in?
Rob: Sure.
Josie: Look the reason I’m here is that I’d like to ask for a pay, rise . . . I’m thinking of £8000. I don’t know if you think that’s too much but that’s what I came up with (a little uncertainty in her tone).
Rob: (also uncertain) That’s a bit of a jump. I don’t know whether we can pay you that much. What’s prompted this?
Josie: Well, with Tom going, I’ve landed up with two people’s work now and I thought . . .
Rob: I know that, you’re right but I just don’t know if we can afford it. Things aren’t at their best.
Josie: (imagining this to be her winning card) Well, Rob, I happen to know that Jason started at more than I’m getting now . . . Rob: (shifts uncomfortably) I really can’t discuss anyone else’s salary with you, Josie. It wouldn’t be right.
Josie: (feeling awkward now as well) What I meant was . . .
Rob: I know what you meant. Look, I’ll get back to you, OK? (Josie realises the meeting is over.)
A useful lesson to learn is that once you introduce someone else’s salary into the conversation as leverage to help your own case, you immediately lose out on the equality of the interaction. Suddenly it isn’t you and your boss negotiating but an invisible coercion which tips the balance and easily makes the other person feel cornered. It’s wiser to avoid direct comparisons with another person and stick to asking for what you want exclusively on your own merit.
Another point to learn from this kind of conversation concerns the problem of leaving an inconclusive meeting. There are many times when someone legitimately cannot give you an answer there and then. They need time to consult or consider and, though this is understandable, it can present problems when you leave in this open-ended manner: you’ll probably not know the right time to come back or how long the person needs to think. This raises anxiety about being too pushy while at the same time not wanting it all to be forgotten. To avoid this, endeavour to get some answer to these questions before you leave the room (or before you end the conversation, if it is over the phone).
Practice 2
Josie: Hi Rob, can I come in?
Rob: Yes, sure. Have a seat.
Josie: Rob, I feel a bit awkward asking you this but I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’d like to ask for another £8000.
Rob: Wow – that’s quite a jump!
Josie: I know it may be a surprise but the reason I’m asking is that the way things have panned out since Tom left, I’ve basically been doing two people’s jobs so that means I’ve got twice as much responsibility. Do you agree with that?
Rob: I can see that you’re doing more now.
Josie: Well, that’s why I decided to ask for an increase. What do you think?
Rob: I don’t know, Josie. Things aren’t great right now. I’d have to ask the board. (This time Josie avoids any reference to anyone else and reinforces her own merit.)
Josie: I’d really like you to consider it, Rob. I think my work is worth the extra.
Rob: (taking her more her seriously) Well, I can’t give you an answer right now, Josie.
Josie: I realise that. So when might you be able to? Would it be OK if I got back to you in a week, say, next Friday?
Rob: Probably, yes, that should be long enough.
Josie: (Stands up). OK, thanks Rob, I’ll get back to you on Friday then. Bye.
The common denominator in these scenarios is the importance of speaking up: although we can’t guarantee the outcome in our favour (this would be coercion), we give ourselves the best chance when we are clear and specific. Each time we do this, we are refusing to stay locked in anxiety or stuck in helplessness and blame: each time we take this kind of step our self-esteem is strengthened. This helps to build psychological ‘muscles’ for those times when we have to draw on internal personal resources if we need to confront harassment or bullying.
Harassment
In many women’s experience at work, visible harassment is far less conspicuous than an intangible feeling of being different, a feeling of alienation. This is both because we are women at work and women at work. In other words, we can feel alienated from the culture of the workplace and we can also feel out of place because, as I described before, women at work are a relatively new phenomenon.
In the past three decades it has become more politically incorrect for a man to pinch a woman’s bottom or make some verbal comment about her anatomy but we are now faced with more subtlety. Every now and then the newspaper headlines inform us of ongoing harassment suits usually lodged by a highflying female executive who has been cheated of millions in salary or bonuses because, for example, she took maternity leave. Big sums of money make for big stories but what gets lost in the sensationalism is the vicious and hurtful nature of both sexist and racist intimidation within a working environment.
Sometimes harassment is quite obvious: feeling more permission to look at or touch a woman’s body is embedded in the particular power structure in the world at large and therefore is not going to disappear, regardless of any legislation regarding political correctness.
Harassment can also appear in more vague, implicit, and subtly patronising forms. Rosie was called in to her boss as part of the monthly review in the department. She was told she needed to produce more material and that, although her work was good, she needed to pull her weight a bit more. She did not enjoy the criticism but accepted it and knew it was valid.
Later that day, before going home, her boss came into her office. He suddenly
announced that he realised he had been a bit hard on her and could he make it up by taking her out to dinner that evening. Rosie was horrified. Suddenly she felt no longer treated as an employee, capable of receiving criticism, but as a potential sexual object. She did not know what to do. She did not accept the invitation but expressed nothing of what she felt because she didn’t know how to handle it. This kind of dilemma is not uncommon and aggravated by silence.
It is useful to place sexual harassment in a context of general harassment, in a context of the values that dominate not only in the workplace but also in the world at large. We can see harassment as part of an entire syndrome, consonant with attitudes to women, to women at work especially, in the conditioned and sometimes unthinking responses of men, who would not dream of actually physically harassing a woman.
Tina was nineteen and therefore the youngest in her department, a fact that Barry, a colleague in his early thirties, never missed an opportunity to point out. Conversation was peppered with ‘Well, you wouldn’t remember that, Tina . . . before your time’ or ‘How are you going to feel when the new guy comes? He’s almost as young as you are.’ At one level, Barry was being just a regular pain so what should Tina do? Ignore it? Mutter under her breath? Shake her head and raise her eyes? The problem was it irritated her. It irritated her that whatever she suggested or proposed was countered with some reference to her youth.
In her first practice, Tina tried to come back at Barry when he made a typical remark. It proved to be too difficult mainly because when you try this kind of thing in public, it will fail. All of us – every single one of us – are defensive in front of others and given assertiveness is about equality, you can’t achieve this when you’re on display. Consciously or unconsciously, we all feel more defensive when being criticised in public and therefore aggression is almost certainly the outcome.