SHE: Coz we all love dreaming

by Prerna . K

  My instructor was unhooked from me, now I was flying alone in the air, because of the para shoot we were actually landing very slowly, but still, it was fast for anyone. Still air and my body were struggling with each other.

  I could look at the sky and take the instance of views in front, below and around me. The views were fantastic, to sea, ocean and highways from such height was obviously epic. The clouds gave an illusion of fog in between the lights and bulbs that were glowing like decorative sparkling beats in the scenery, the ocean was vast, the first time in my life I realized how big this ocean was and how little our grasslands and islands were, it was such an extraordinary experience.

  Soon, I was going closer to the ground. It was the time to end this escape and land my identity back on the land.

  I landed carefully, unhooked myself from the para shoot, I did not have any evidence of what I saw, only my eyes knew this beautiful picture, which left me with a kind of nostalgic feeling, great sense of satisfaction and amusement. Nor this experience could be forever; neither can it ever escape my memory, that’s how I keep it without having it, my love.

  After everyone landed safely, we all took some pictures, I waited for Joseph, I was a little tensed but he had a safe dive too, I hugged him as soon as he was free from all the loops. Behind him came my di, I hugged her too, Joseph shaked hands, and hugged her, its their way to show pride on each other.

  I again said, “Yay mera sher putt” petting his shoulder as a mark of victory.

  “Again, what does that mean?”

  “Understand my heart, buddy,” I said.

  We came together hand in hand, clicked some pictures and were ready to go back.

  In the cab everyone was talking about the experience for a little while, afterwards, we all were quite, just relaxing. James was sitting just behind me, I wanted to talk to him but I kept it to myself. Joseph was beside me, he had the whole video of his skydiving experience, for some time we saw that but then we both felt too tired, and I was feeling that nostalgic thing that always accompanies me.

  Actually, this is the tragedy of my life. Everything that crossed me had one destiny, to remind me nothing was forever, no matter how much I love it. At last I have to face separation And the second was, live and love with presence because soon you gonna lose all.

  Literally everything that crosses me comes with this destiny. I don’t see movies and the one I watch, its end is tragic. Like, Titanic, Fault in our stars, and many Bollywood films. Even the books I read end in tragedy. It looks like the whole universe wants to remind me, soon I gonna lose what I have now.

  So I have concluded, and surrendered, in front of this truth. I like thinking about lossing people, so I can value them.

  Life is a journey and destination is death. In between my walk who ever I find, I may love with most open heart, as soon I gonna walk past him or her. I dont want to regret later, so I cherish it right away as it comes in.

  As we are always growing older, not younger. We are walking and finding and walking and lossing and finding and walking and lossing, until we die, we cant stop.

  In brief, I'm not depressed, by the truth of our mortality. I'm using it to love everything and everyone more as fear of loss is making me grateful to have loved ones. to value each I got,

  So from this theory that revolves in my head every second, my overwhelming gestures and nostalgic feeling for everything I love come. Understood, now move on and don’t dare to think I m depressed.

  We reached our resort, it was 8 pm we still had a lot of time. After resting for some time we all went to different places. Like Maira, Joseph, Neha and Lisa went to play pool. Jas, Ash, and James went to take some pictures of nature or things around. Shubh, Kim, Christina and I, went to a standup comedy show and then we were simply roaming on the beach having fun. Kim and I were literally checking out girls.

  Kim and we three girls very easily became good friends. Ash told she liked him, so this was our task to grow his interest in her. That’s why all we were talking about was Ash, Ash and Ash. And we were getting vibes, he did not seem to have much problem with this topic.

  He said, “I want to tell you guys something.”

  We were obviously curious, we could smell it was something interesting, “speak bro, you can trust us.” I said.

  “Umh, your friend Ash….”

  “You like her”, Shubh said excitedly, “I know you like her” she repeated.

  “No nothing like that.” He said blushingly.

  “Oh, come on,” I said.

  “Boy is blushing”, Shubh said teasingly.

  “Ohk yeah I think she is really…”

  “Hot, sexy” Shubh and I said together excitedly.

  “You guys speak first and when you are done, tell me.”

  “Oh-oh, sorry, come on tell we won’t interrupt you, anymore,” Shubh said.

  “Good. So yeah she is both things you said, and I’m crushing on her for three months, we both met each other in a photoshoot in New York, I don’t know if she remember me, but yeah I liked her, Since then I’m stalking her.

  “Ohh…. Cool.” I said looking at Shubh, and we both had the same expressions. She said in hindi, "apni patola kahar barsa k hi atti h." (our hot girl always make people crazy behind her.)

  “So I need your help, I want to talk to her,” Kim said.

  “Ohk bro, we will do your work,” Shubh said.

  “Don’t worry. We are with you.” I said. Shubh and I looked at each other, thinking the same thing, for our girl we have to be with you.

  “Can we talk now?” Kim asked.

  “For sure, Let me ask her, where she is?” I said.

  Shubh called her, “where are you?”

  “Who is asking, you or Ritz?” Ash asked.

  “We both and Kim is also asking, tell fast.”

  “For you, Look behind we are standing at the ice cream stall, and for Ritz I'm with James.”

  “Di, she is with James,” Shubh said looking at me.

  We asked them to bring ice cream for us too. After 5 minutes they all came, Kim was sitting beside me, and James sat beside him, I was like cool. Because many times when Kim will say something, intentionally I will turn my eyes towards him but whom will I see, of course, James.

  Jas sat beside him, we were sitting in a circle, and Ash was in front of Kim and Shubh beside me. Actually we did this intentionally.

  We tried to start a conversation between them.

  Jas and Ash were already teasing me, and they gave the ice cream flavor that I like to James.

  “James gives this to Ritz, she likes it,” Ash said.

  or tere hath se toh or bhi pasand ayegi. (and with your hand she will like it more.) Jas said looking at the sky, as if she was admiring its bueaty. Literally being Indians we have this weapon of langauges, we always have our secret codes of conversation.

  I was like when will we stop doing such clingy things, ( but of course never.)

  “So what you guys did,” Ash asked.

  “Kim, what we did? You answer please.” I said looking towards him, and (yes) James turned his face towards Kim we had eye contact, Kim said James 'yes' when he lifted his eyebrows in a gesture, do they know about it.

  James smiled as if he was encouraging me to continue my work, I smiled back.

  Some ten-twenty minute after, we had a call from our third group, who have gone to play pool, to ask us where we are?

  I said “we are coming to the room, don’t worry.” and hang up.

  We all stood together, James and I were beside each other, he said, “I wanted to stay here for some more time”

  He looked towards me, astonished he said, “Oh you, I thought Kim is beside me.”

  “No problem, if you want to stay, we can. I mean.”

  “Yeah, but Joseph will be more tensed, I have noticed he care a lot about you.” He said in a teasing way.

  “Yeah, he really thinks I’m a little kid,” I said.

  “Hmm, protective�
�� He said and smiled. ‘’Do you think we both are in a relationship’’ I thought.

  “Yep, But I still love him, he is very good to me,” I said.

  “Hmm, nice, actually you both look good together.”

  “Yeah I know,” I said, cleverly.

  “You guys are together for how long.” He asked. Two years, oh wait a second, I will give an impressive answer. I thought.

  “Since he came in a relationship with my sister’’. I replied. And a blockbuster rhythm, carried with immense pleasure and a lot of laughter flowed in my head. I literally felt like to laugh madly, rolling on the floor.

  “What? He isn’t your boyfriend.” He asked.

  “No, Neha and Joseph are a couple,” I said, in a casual way.

  “Oh, I'm so sorry I misunderstood, I thought you both are together.” He said.

  “No problem, many are misguided, they both show more pride to have each other, than kissing around, its their way, I like it.” I said, simply because seriously many people think that. Even for Jas, many people think I m a lesbian because we mostly stay together, and I love admiring her eyes, she is really beautiful, so that’s alright. I love her. And however, whatever, people can assume to understand my love for her, is good for me, at least they understand I love her all above everything else.

  We reached the room; Joseph saw both of us, very carefully. And smiled inside his mouth, this is a great technique to control your gestures, and because I'm with this person for so long, I'm used to this type of expression. I can understand them.

  James said, “I don’t know why, but I think he doesn’t like me, especially around you.”

  “Oh that’s for a reason, I will tell you later.”

  “When?” I looked towards him. “I don’t know exactly, but very soon,” I said.

  He smiled, “alright.”

  The night you dazed me

  James

  At night after dinner we all gathered in one room, according to me, this night get together was a ritual that you need to complete. All of us were lying tiredly over each other, Maira was insisting James for something. I lay on Lisa’s laps, like a mother she started rubbing my head, playing with my hair, I was restless to tell her how sweet she is, so I said,

  “Lisa you know you are very cute and sweet.” Lisa smiled, and she has the cutest smile.

  (Oh I forgot to tell this after eyes I pay close attention to the wide or loud natural smile of the person. I like the way lips stretch and create beautiful outlines around, and also the cute wrinkles around the eyes.)

  ( Gosh smiles are beautiful.)

  Maira came in and announced “girls and boys, here we present our Australian boy with a guitar to amuse you all with his voice.”

  “What James is Australian?” I said to myself, but a little loud, that Lisa heard it and said “yes he is Australian.” “Goooddd” I said to myself, this time in my head. This was awesome; my James is also an Australian. (Good, good, all Australians are James, like that.) I said sarcastically to myself.

  Somewhere, i already started liking this idea, to call him my james, but lets see.

  He came in with a guitar, we all started clapping to encourage him; he smiled that made me blush, “fuck, his smile is addictive.” I said to myself, smiling really loud. He said, “Ok guys so I'm going to sing a song, I hope you like it. And Maira, everybody clap for her, what an intro you gave for my performance.” He sat down with his guitar.

  He smiled, cleared his throat, and started stringing his guitar, then he looked up, “you guys don’t stare at me like that” he said smiling loudly. His that big smile had a perfect circle around it, and his little eyes were even more squeezed and they shined with the smile, just like eyes smiles from his cheek. In short he was looking damn cute.

  He started his song after that little moment of hesitation, the first string did something weird to me, suddenly my whole attention was on him, just him. I was familiar with that music; I was indeed waiting for him to start singing. He said “I found a love” and my heart shacked, and I smiled from inside, the song was “perfect, by Ed Sheeran” one of my evergreen favorites.

  Every word he was singing, I felt like he was singing it for me, the lyrics were strangely holding me. And that’s a great feeling, people. His guitar strings were captivating me like I have never been captivated before. I looked at the beautiful smile he had on his face, as if he could feel this flow of love. His face was shining like a marble skin; he looked so adorable to me. "He is James" my head said to me so many times during that whole moment. When everyone was quiet and still, praising his awesome singing.

  I was staring at him, with so many emotions in me. It felt like all that romance and love that was sleeping in me; he wooed it all at once. I was captured by weird special feelings. I felt like he was going to be my lover.

  I was smiling, my eyes were shining dipped in their pleasure, my breath were slow, as if they were forgetting they have to keep me alive, my whole world stop. I felt like to cry, to laugh this was insane. My chase was in front of me, I wanted him in so many days, the one I desired for so long, and god. This was insane.

  (I can’t express this, but a single person you prayed for the last three years, every time you wanted relief, you took his name, and you lived him in your dreams. You desired to keep him close. The one person I wanted all my life was in front of me, this person was finally here.)

  (He is a wonderful singer, the maestro too.) I thought.

  I was not able to sleep the whole night, I was going through my dairies, was dedicating him poems, and was thinking about him basically. I remember he was the same boy I and Jas saw on the video call, months ago. I literally forget even at that time I was like he is James, I was thinking about him. For many moment I felt like, why the fuck it is so complicated and confusing.

  All I could think was, he is James. This thing was strange because I never said this for anybody, I always declared, he isn’t James.

  But, I did not need any proof; I knew he was James, this time. It was like I could feel he was my lover, and seriously I identified him, I could feel all my intuitions cherishing their victory, every time I said "he is my James." It looked clear.

  These all were the strangest and most inexpressible feelings for me, I wasn’t that versed. Instead I sound too overwhelmed and bewildered, but it was even more special than that, it was a dream coming true. Like, I have no words.

  it was scary, mad.

  Isn't it awkward

  i said

  We were in Kanya Kumari, it was already late, the sky was dark and the weather was cool and calm, I liked it. I didn’t have much chance to talk to James because he and Jas were busy clicking pictures of beautiful scenery as this place was filled with beautiful green valley and plateau and really gorgeous sunset. I was with Lisa, we both were sharing a good bond now, and Ash and Kim were talking all the time, literally all the time. I knew they both were going to connect.

  I was tired just like everyone else and even sleepy. So as soon as we were in our resort I went to sleep. Here I had one separate room for me because I wanted to enjoy my solitude, mostly around nature any artist become more artistic, a poet more poetic. So here was I, along with my art. I slept like a pig that night because I was really tired.

  As I woke up early, I decided to sit at my balcony and enjoy the cool, fresh air, and beautiful greenery around me.

  I was actually feeling very empty this morning, my mind was very quiet, I felt pacific, and truly I was enjoying this stillness a lot. It was making me feel very light and peaceful. I wrote a lot about my feelings and things that were going in my head from so long. I love such a time of renewal and self analyzation.

  Sun rose in front of my eyes this morning, all the birds were around, chirping, their sweet voices echoed in this still and most calm phase of all day, this type of start was literally mesmerizing, the artist in me felt really fresh and wide awake.

  In all this while, James smile and eyes were fleshing in my
vision, and I couldn’t keep aback to smile and say James in devotion.

  Actually, I have this habit, whenever in the day, between my works, I felt disturbed stressed or uneasy, my mind calls out his name like an affirmation of inner peace and love. Like he is a peaceful corner for me, always in me, just like lovers are.

  Beings are seem less,

  Brighter the canopy green,

  Body feels like feather,

  Heart, breathing in a bit of pleasure.

  My mind shuttered,

  The soul opens to a better picture.

  According to the plan we were going on trekking, our guide had already found a less crowded and beautiful valley for us. As soon as we got ready, we headed towards the valley in our booked transport bus.

  What can be my fantasy; I really wanted James to sit with me because I was actually very excited to talk to him. Our bus was covering all the beautiful places, we could see in the less time we had. So as usual he was busy with his camera.

  I said to Joseph, “do something; I want to sit with him.”

  My boy went to Jas and whispered this; now to no amusement I was ready for something very unusual. That girl had always waited desperately to do something for me and James, how could she let this chance go.

  She sat beside me, showing me the photos she has clicked; I was just looking at them waiting to see what she will do.

  She suddenly said something and called out James. Like seriously suddenly. James and Jas were sharing a good bond already; he came and very casually asked her,

  “Yeah dude.”

  “I want to click some photos, till then show her what you have clicked; ok I will be right back.”

  I turned towards the window with a blast of laughter in my head and face. How could I underestimate her? To add she stood up and went to some other side, a little hesitantly James sat beside me.

  It was awkward damn it. God could not bless me with better friends. Goodness.