by Nicole Hall
Lana’s lack of belief burned. She’d given up on Zee the second she’d seen Ryan, unwilling to look past the circumstances to the bigger picture. Without Zee there, the rest would follow her. There’d be no more help from that quarter. Zee’s frustration and hurt mingled with Ryan’s. The betrayal stung with a particular irony. She’d worked her whole life to help her people, and they’d essentially abandoned her. Zee was determined to find a way to break the seals and return them to their lives, but at this point, she didn’t know if she wanted to lead them.
She reeled at the potential loss of the such a large portion of her identity, but the destruction paled in comparison to what she’d done to Ryan. Zee knew better than to be careless with her words, but the mistake had been made. He didn’t trust easily, especially among the Fae, and she’d tossed his feelings back in his face. She’d made him feel small and insignificant, and that damage needed to be repaired before anything else.
The running water stopped, and Ryan emerged naked rubbing his hair with a towel. Outwardly, he was calm, but she could feel his hurt growing.
“Ryan, we should discuss this.”
He focused on digging through his drawer for underwear. “There’s nothing to discuss.”
“I warned you I’d have to return.”
“That you did.”
Zee got out of bed, comfortable in her skin, and came around to where he was searching. “Will you look at me please?”
His movements stilled, and he met her eyes. Anger burned there, and pain, but also longing. All wasn’t lost yet. She reached out a hand, but he stepped back out of her reach, like he had in the dream. It hurt more the second time.
“Don’t do this, Ryan.”
His face went blank. “I’m not the one doing it.”
He was wrong. He was the one cutting himself off from her. He was the one shutting down, unwilling to have a conversation. Anger began to heat her blood. Did he think he was the only one with emotions involved? With something to lose?
“I’m still here, right now, instead of helping my starving people. They’re my duty, and I’m shirking the responsibility to be here with you.”
“Sounds like you shouldn’t be here then. If the barriers are all down and the Wood isn’t protecting the Glade anymore, what’s stopping you from marching into the trees and stumbling onto your hidden fairy village?”
Zee crossed her arms over her bare chest. “I know what you’re doing.”
His eye flicked to her breasts then back up. “Helping?”
“You’re pushing me away because you’re afraid.”
He laughed and took a better look. She wasn’t embarrassed by her body, she’d go to battle naked if need be, but this look wasn’t about appreciation. It was staking a claim. His eyes were blue flames when they returned to hers, and she held herself rigid so she wouldn’t reach for him a third time.
“I’m not afraid of you, of what you make me feel, of us together. But I am pushing you away. You don’t want to be here, and I’m not interested in being a dalliance.”
Zee shivered at the chill in his words. “Ryan, you misunderstood what I said to Lana.”
He pulled on pants. “You can’t lie, right?”
“You know that.”
“Then I think I understood just fine.” He tossed the hoodie at her, and she caught it before it hit her in the face. “Better put that on. It’s pretty chilly out there in the woods.”
Zee winced at the painful ache spreading through her and slipped the sweatshirt over her naked body. “It’s true that I won’t abandon our people, but Lana was right too.”
“I’m sure she was. I don’t care.”
“You didn’t hear the rest of the conversation.”
“I assume you and Lana made up, talked about fairy stuff.” His dismissive tone fanned her anger.
She held on to her temper through sheer will. “You could have cut off the flow of magic at any time. If you thought the exercise was so futile, why didn’t you?”
“It was what you wanted, wasn’t it? The magic. The part you can’t live without.” He yanked a shirt over his head and moved toward the door.
“I can’t live without you.”
Her words fell softly between them, and Ryan paused with his hand on the knob. He didn’t turn around. She’d said them, and she wouldn’t back down, but she hadn’t realized they were true until then. He’d taken over so much of her life since she’d left, shown her how much more she had to offer, and how much she could feel. A life without him, even one in the Glade, would be empty.
He’d pulled himself so far behind his shields that all she could get from him was a vague sense of anger and pain. As much as she wanted to push deeper to find out more, she’d made a promise to him to stay out of his mind, and she would keep it. The longer they stood there, breathing into the silence, the more Zee wished she’d kept her mouth shut.
Ryan punched the door in front of him, startling Zee. His fist strained against the wood for a second, then he pushed off and faced her again. “Is it fun?”
She expected anger, but his words confused her. “What?”
“Is it fun? Playing with me.” He stalked her, his eyes on hers, and she refused to retreat.
“I’m not playing with you.” She raised her chin as he stopped directly in front of her.
His eyes dropped to her mouth. He cupped her cheek roughly and traced her lower lip with his thumb. Heat suffused her, burning away the anger and letting the arousal rush forward.
“You let me have your body. You let me in enough to convince me that I might be wrong. About the Fae. About magic. About you. But none of it’s real. It’s only what you want me to see, as always.” He leaned in, but instead of taking her mouth, he brushed her ear with his lips. “I guess I don’t care anymore.”
She sucked in a breath as his hands palmed her butt and lifted her against him. Instinctually, her arms around his neck to steady herself. His words ricocheted inside her, setting off sparks of pain wherever they landed, but she wanted his hands on her. The future stretched indefinitely, lonely without him, but if this was all he was going to offer, she’d take it.
13
RYAN
Ryan could tell when she surrendered. Not that she was fighting, but the point when she gave up the pretense. There was no future for them. She believed she needed him, but it was his magic that drew her. He turned them so her back was braced against the wall next to the door, and nipped the spot at the base of her neck that she loved. She arched into him and moaned.
His hands were on her bare ass, and he was rock hard against her. At least this he believed. She wanted him as much as he wanted her. If he was going to be a dalliance, he’d make sure it was one she remembered when she was back with the Fae.
Her legs anchored on his hips, which freed up his hands to stroke her into a frenzy. She said his name in a breathy little whisper, and Ryan claimed her mouth in a deep, drugging kiss. He freed himself from his pants and plunged inside her. Zee was hot and wet and urged him deeper.
She gripped the back of his neck, her fingernails digging into skin, and he embraced the pain. They moved together hard and fast, straining to get closer, until she tightened around him with his name on her lips. That was all it took, and he followed her over.
When the rush had faded, he felt strangely bereft. Her breath came in ragged gasps, echoing his, and though her warmth still surrounded him, he missed the connection. She welcomed his touch, reveled in it, but the bond remained stubbornly silent. Ryan pulled out and released her weight. Her legs slid down to the floor, and she pulled the sweatshirt down to cover herself.
Ryan fixed his pants, and sadness filled him once the heat began to recede. Zee stood silent between him and the wall. He couldn’t get a read on her, but he wasn’t willing to lower his shields. Never again. He stepped back, and tears filled her eyes.
He’d never seen Zee truly cry. She was more likely to destroy whatever was making her sad than let someone s
ee her weakness. The idea that he’d been the one to make it happen tore at him. He didn’t want to hurt her, and he couldn’t resist her tears.
“Don’t do that. Don’t.” He gathered her close, and she rested her head on his shoulder. The terrible feeling that he was making a mistake welled up inside him. She put her hands on his chest but didn’t push him away.
“What are we doing, Ryan?”
He didn’t have a good answer for her, so he didn’t say anything.
She sighed and shook her head. “Why can’t we have a normal discussion?”
“Why can’t we keep our hands off each other, you mean?”
He felt her nod. “That too.”
“We can’t help what, or who, we want.”
“What we want isn’t always what’s best for us.” His shirt muffled her words, but he heard them loud and clear.
They were a pointed reminder that she may want him, but she needed her magic. Or his. Any magic would probably do as long as she could control it. He stepped away from her, and shook his head. The situation wasn’t going to change, so why did he keep hoping for a different end result?
“You’re so sure you know what’s best.” He couldn’t help the bitterness in his voice.
The tears were gone, replaced with pain behind a thin layer of steel. “People depend on me.”
And they’d circled back to the same argument. “It looked like they’ve moved on from where I was standing.”
“That doesn’t absolve me from responsibility.”
“You’ll protect them whether they want it or not, huh? Damn the consequences?”
Her temper finally snapped, and she surged up with blazing eyes. “Isn’t that what you’re doing? We can have sex all you want as long as we’re careful to keep our emotions out of it?”
“Oh, I think we’re well past that point.”
She scoffed. “The second we get too intense, you close off and pull back to protect yourself. That makes it all the more pitiful. Shields conceal, but they don’t erase. The emotions and the pain will be there regardless.”
He leaned into her, full of fire and fury. “What do you know about pain? You’ve been stuck without magic for what? A couple of weeks? And that’s the worst tragedy you could think of. Your people are starving because they’re too stubborn and prideful to leave your precious Glade. They’d rather die than live like humans for a while. And those are the people you’re going back for?”
“Yes.”
The simple answer enraged him. She couldn’t see past her own prejudice to the opportunity she had right in front of her. A muscle ticked in his jaw, and his palm slapped the wall next to her head. “Dammit, Zee. Why do you have to be this way?” The worst of it was that he wanted her to stay. Despite everything, knowing her people and her magic would always be more important than him, he wanted her to stay.
The longing emptied him out.
He dropped his head, and pushed away from the wall and from her. Zee gasped out his name, and something about the sound made him jerk his head around. She hadn’t moved. Her hand was half-raised as if trying to entreat him, but she was too still. A sheer coating of red magic slowly oozed over her body and across her face.
“What the hell?” He stared down at his hands, at the churning power coming off of him. At some point in their fight, he’d lost control of his magic. Then he’d wished for her to stay.
Zee’s eyes pleaded with him, but he didn’t know what to do to fix it. Panic started to rise. He rushed back to her, but stopped before making contact. He knew how to recall magic if it was inside him, but this seemed like a separate essence now. A presence pushed against his shields, and he recognized Zee trying to talk to him. He relented enough to let her in, and she brought calmness and clarity with her.
I can’t redirect this. You need to break it yourself. Reach into the spell and insert your power into it again. When you feel the connection, pull it back into yourself. You can do this.
Ryan didn’t waste time responding. He touched her cheek where the magic was slowly expanding. His magic felt strange from the outside, familiar and yet not. He didn’t have to do much once he connected. His magic reached for the spell, and the two separate chunks of power linked together like they were completing a circuit. The spell reversed with barely a thought, and his magic retreated back inside of him.
He had to resist the urge to seal it tight like he had the last time. Clearly, he couldn’t be trusted around Zee when his temper was up. Without magic, she couldn’t defend herself, and he wasn’t willing to put her in danger again. His only recourse was to keep as far away from her as possible. For her own protection, whether she wanted it or not.
In the end, they weren’t so different after all.
ZEE
Zee hadn’t prepared for him to use his magic against her, albeit accidentally. He released her from the spell, but didn’t let her go right away.
“Are you all right?” His eyes searched hers, but the momentary fear had faded almost before she’d registered her reaction.
She didn’t know how to respond to him. Her temper had calmed the second she’d felt the spell hit her. Out of habit, she’d centered herself and dealt with the magic first. His anger at her seemed to be gone too, but his shields remained impenetrable. “I’m fine. That’s a powerful spell to know.”
His hand dropped, and he shook his head. “Maddie did it to me once before. At the time, I thought I was going to die.” He glared at his hands. “I’m sorry, Zee. I thought I was getting the hang of it.”
Zee missed his touch, but she could only reach out so many times. “It’s common among those who are novices.”
“Yeah, but I’ll bet those people have a mentor who can take control nearby, someone with power.”
She didn’t think he meant it as an insult, but it hit her all the same. He was right. Novices were trained by people who could take control if a spell failed or went haywire. Clearly, she couldn’t do that.
The day had been emotional and tiring for both of them, but she couldn’t easily forget his accusations. Why do you have to be this way? They couldn’t seem to stop hurting each other. Better to focus on the immediate problem.
Zee could feel Yule approaching, and knew the burgeoning elemental power often interfered with control. “Ryan, this means you need to keep practicing. Keep learning.”
He was shaking his head before she’d finished her sentence. “No. It means I’m dangerous without a leash.”
“You’re not a wild animal. Magic is a natural part of—”
“No, it’s not,” he yelled. He paced to the bed and back, making sure to stay well out of reach. He clung to his obvious frustration and wouldn’t let her in to help him. “It’s not natural to me.”
She’d reach one more time. Zee took a chance and placed her hand on his arm. He twitched but didn’t shake her off. “I know you’d never hurt me.”
“Yes, I would. I’ve hurt people before.”
His certainty pained her. “How? You’ve been sealed for years.”
“Before I met you.”
She moved closer and framed his face with her hands. He let her, but wouldn’t meet her eyes, staring over her shoulder instead. “Will you tell me?”
He waited so long she thought he planned to refuse. Zee stayed planted in front of him. She could be patient when she needed to be.
Eventually, he closed his eyes and spoke. “I started having issues when I was seventeen. Weird stuff happening sometimes. A red glow that I could see, but no one else could. I thought there was something wrong with me, but when I told my dad, he blew me off. We were driving to visit his folks, and I got so angry. He’d always said we could tell him anything, but when I had a real problem, he didn’t want to hear it.”
Zee could feel the raw agony coming off him in waves, even through his shield. This was an open sore that he’d never tried to heal. The warrior in her urged caution. His vulnerable state made him unpredictable, and like he’d said, she
couldn’t stop him from truly harming her with his magic. The woman in her ignored the warning.
She slid her hands around his waist and hugged him. He held himself stiff for a second, but quickly curled forward, locking his hands behind her back. He needed the comfort, and she’d never deny him.
“I wanted him to pay attention. I wanted him to stop the car and listen to what I was saying. And he did. He stopped mid-sentence talking to Mom. His hands froze on the steering wheel, and when the road curved, we kept driving straight. Right through the ditch and into a tree at fifty-five miles an hour.”
She pulled back so she could see his face, but his eyes were clenched closed. “It wasn’t your fault.”
He wasn’t listening, too caught in his memories to hear her. “Mom and I were wearing seatbelts, but Dad always hated them. He said they got in the way in an emergency. Mom broke her left leg, I had a concussion, but Dad didn’t make it.”
“I’m so sorry, Ryan.”
“We moved here because Mom wanted to be closer to her family.” He opened his eyes and their gazes locked. “And I met you.”
“That’s why you were so adamant,” she whispered.
“You helped me. All these years you’ve helped me. I need you to help me again.”
Her heart hurt for him, but his way wasn’t the answer. “I can’t, Ryan. Even if I could use my magic, I couldn’t remove yours. I told you that then. Locking it away will only hurt you in the end.”
“We have a deal.”
She nodded and hoped she could make him understand. “You want me to seal your magic for good, and I have an idea that will work indefinitely, but it comes at a high cost.”
“I don’t care.”
She wanted to shake him. “I do. You can learn to control it.”