by Kay Maree
“You seem worried, so I am worried.” I put my hand over hers on her lap and the zip of electricity is there again welcoming me. I only mean to keep it there for a moment of comfort, but she puts her hand over the top of mine and I can feel the goosebumps pop up on my arm up to my shoulder. If I don’t focus on driving something else will pop up as well that will be completely inappropriate for the situation.
“Thank you. I don’t spend a lot of time away from Lina other than when she’s at school. I think I may have smothered her a little.”
“I don’t think spending time with you is a bad thing at all.” Ella squeezes my hand between hers a bit tighter and I keep my eyes firmly planted on the iPhone she placed in front of me with directions to Lina.
“Thank you. You may be one of the only ones though. I may have to keep you around.”
Before I can stop myself, I blurt out exactly what I am thinking. “You won’t hear any arguments from me.”
I need to focus on Lina. The truth is I am worried about her. I hope she isn’t too sick. Selfishly I don’t want my day with Ella cut short. Then a memory springs forward of her father the last time he said he was sick.
Past
“Come on, the mission was cancelled. I just need a little down time.”
“Mike, if you push this too far, they’re going to make you go see the doctor.”
“Nah, you’ll cover for me, right?”
“Of course, but you owe me one.”
“Deal.”
We shake hands to seal the deal. It turns into a one-armed hug before he heads out the door. We’ve been friends for over a decade. I thought I knew him as well as he knows me. The past few years have made me rethink that.
After a few hours I hear someone shouting that Mike has a phone call. There are only two people that call him, and I know them both, so I take the call.
“Hello.”
“Well, Michael, you’ve spent so much time with Tommy you sound just like him.”
I laugh at Ella’s quick wit and find myself more grateful than I should that I have the fortune to speak to her. When they got married, I promised I would stand by them both but that as time has gone on and more secrets build between us, I have spoken to her less.
“Hi, Ella. How are you?”
“I’m good. You hijacking calls now? You can call me yourself you know.”
“Well I don’t want to bother you I know you must be busy.”
“Oh yes, busy busy over here. My social calendar is practically overflowing.”
“Now, now, sarcasm is beneath you.”
We both laugh and then an awkward silence falls over the line. I finally summon the courage to ask her questions that will lead to much more intimate answers.
“How are you?”
“Good.”
“No, how are you really?”
“He told you about the baby?”
“Yeah, I am really sorry Ella.”
“Thank you. The doctor said it was nothing I did which was something I was worried about.”
“I don’t think anyone, but you were worried about that. I’ve never seen someone so happy to be pregnant.”
“Yeah, I am sure we’ll try again at some point. I think Mike might be taking it harder though. How is he doing? Is he around?”
“He’s okay. You know how he is though, not much of a sharer, but I know he’s been off kilter lately.”
I wish I could tell her the truth about just how off kilter he’s been, but his truth will be my ruin as much as his. How far back would the truth have to go? Back to when they first started dating? Before?
“Yeah, that’s why I was calling. I haven’t heard from him in a few weeks and that’s not like him. He’s usually pretty routine with calls on Sunday afternoons.”
“Sorry you missed him he just left a little while ago. He had to take care of some paperwork I think.”
Every lie is a painful new addition to the list of lies I have already told her.
“I am happy I missed him since it meant I get to talk to you. It’s been too long.”
“Yeah, it has. I am sorry about that. I just thought you two might need some space.”
“You decided that while the two of you are half a world away?”
“I never was the smart one Ella.”
“Everyone knows that, Tommy.”
We both laugh at her deprecating humor.
“Yeah, yeah, pick on the single guy. Geez.”
“Oh I am sure you are very lonely. I bet you are beating women of with a stick.”
“Have you ever seen that happen in all the years you have known me?”
“Oh yes I have seen it happen quite often, but I have also seen you never pay attention. Eventually you are going to notice and that will be a very lucky lady.”
“From your lips to god’s ears.”
“Tommy will you tell him I called and please take care of each other.”
“You got it Ella. Good night.”
I hang up and find myself angrier at Mike than I ever have been before. How can Mike not understand what he has? He has the life I would give anything for, and he thinks it’s a burden. I would take care of her the way she should be. The truth is this is part of why I have been distancing myself from her. The guilt is eating at me from one side and my feelings for her are firmly planted and growing on the other.
Present
Ella puts Lina in the back seat. I turn around to look at her and watch the tiny tot as she buckles herself into the contraption she is sitting on. She doesn’t look sick, but I don’t know very much about kids. I have heard they are resilient but that’s the sum total of what I could repeat. I never wanted to spend time with a kid since I was one.
“How are you feeling, Lina?”
“I’m okay. How are you, Tommy?”
“I’m okay but I was worried about you.”
“You were?” Lina’s eyes light up at my words of concern.
“Yes we both were.”
Ella gets into the passenger seat and I watch as she buckles herself in just like I had Lina. In my periphery I see her friend, Beth motioning from the front porch. It looks like she’s giving a thumbs up symbol that is meant for me. When I turn my attention forward, she turns the symbol of approval into a wave. Her little girl leans against her legs waving goodbye. We both wave back but my smile is a little bit brighter than Ella’s.
“Are you ready to go home, little miss?” Ella has an edge to her voice I wasn’t expecting.
“Yes, ma’am.”
Lina puts her head back against her car seat and sighs.
“What’s up?” I whisper to Ella hoping its quiet enough for us to speak privately.
Ella doesn’t bother to whisper her response. “Well it seems someone was not very happy that she was left out of our plans today. Isn’t that right Michaelina?”
“Mama I said I was sorry. I really did have a stomach ache, but I missed you, too.” Lina hangs her head as she says the last part. She could be a spy with that kind of manipulation.
“When we get home you can lay down and hopefully your stomach will feel better.”
“It feels better now, Mama.”
“Tommy and I had plans today so you’ll be in your room until dinner. Do you understand?”
“Yes ma’am.”
I almost laugh. After only a few days she’s tugging at my heartstrings like a pro. I had an inkling but now I am confident I am a goner for both of these ladies.
“You are a very sweet girl, but we discussed why it is important for me to have grown up time. Remember?”
“Yes ma’am. Did you have a nice lunch?”
“We did have a nice lunch.” The silence after she answers is too awkward for me. Time to get these ladies to lighten up.
“Your mom had the biggest plate of sausage and biscuits I have ever seen, and she didn’t even give me a bite!” I am hoping I can break the tension a
bit before we get home and the day is over. Ella and Lina respond at the same time.
“I did so give you a bite.” Ella bats my shoulder.
“She doesn’t like to share her food.” Lina grits out from the backseat while she shakes her head back and forth for emphasis. She keeps grabbing my attention in the rearview mirror with her facial expressions. I laugh out loud at both of them and then they follow breaking into a fit of giggles. My position of peace keeper is one I have been perfecting for years. Happy to see it works on my ladies also.
My ladies.
I let that phrase roll around my mind the rest of the way to Ella’s house and it feels right. When we pull into the driveway Lina’s head is lolling to the side. Ella leans over the console and whispers to me.
“I am going to put Lina down for a nap and then we’ll finish our afternoon. Make yourself comfortable in the living room.”
I sit down exactly where I was before we went to lunch. The letter is exactly where Ella left it. Like a siren song I can’t resist taking it off the table and reliving the words I wrote all those years before. I grab the envelope and pull out the two pages inside. Time slows down as I unfold them and see the best version of my handwriting possible staring back at me.
Gabriella,
I already know when you see this letter you will know it isn’t good news. They will have already told you that something happened, and I will not be coming home. I can’t change that, and I am sorry that you have to go through this. It gives me the opportunity to tell you how much you have meant to me. I know I haven’t always done the best at telling you about my feelings. I am sorry about that too.
I wish more than anything I was the man you deserve to call your husband. I know our lives did not turn out the way we had hoped. I hoped I had time left to make up for some of the stupid shit we did but it turns out that wasn’t in the cards for me either. So, what I want most for you now is to hope that you find someone who truly deserves you.
Ella, you are a remarkable person and I know that there is someone who will see that and get the opportunity I should have taken every day.
They will love you more than anything on the earth and they will wonder how they got so lucky that you looked twice at them. They will be worthy of the love you have to give and the kindness that radiates from deep within you. Everyone who meets you falls a little in love with you so be careful this could happen every day.
I wish I had the chance to watch you grow old and watch the children we would have had become adults. I know you will be a wonderful mother and I hope more than anything that you get that chance. I know losing the baby was a difficult time for you. It was difficult for me too.
I just was too immature to tell you. I should have told you how sorry I was every day. I know it wasn’t your fault and I’m sorry if I ever let you think it was.
The best part of growing up was having you there with me the whole time. I always knew if I could make you smile, make you laugh that I was having a good day. Every touchdown was meaningless if you weren’t there to congratulation me. Every day had an exclamation point on it if you were happy.
I know in the past few years I haven’t done a very good job of putting a smile on your face. In fact, I have probably put a frown there more times than I care to know. I had the poor fortunate to be half- way around the world, so I didn’t have to face the consequence of that frown, those tears and I am sure they fell.
Your heart is so big and so beautiful, and I am so privileged to have seen it for almost half my life. You were my best friend and you became my wife. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to still be here with you. To see all the things you will do and become in this world.
I pray I get to take the memories of you with me.
With all my love,
Michael
Present
“It’s a good letter, isn’t it?” Ella’s voice shocks me.
“I’m sorry. I saw it sitting here. I shouldn’t have read it.”
Ella shakes her head back and forth.
“I always knew you weren’t the smart one, but I never thought you were the sneaky one.”
“Come on I was curious. I don’t think that makes me sneaky.”
Ella sits down in the chair directly across from me and looks me dead in the eye.
“Considering you wrote it, I don’t know why you shouldn’t read it.”
I am stunned.
“Nothing to say?”
While she waits, she places an envelope I have never seen on the coffee table between us. She never lowers her gaze. I would rather be staring down the barrel of an insurgent's gun than being in this moment.
“I. I. I wanted you to know what Mike would have said if he wrote a letter.”
Ella stays silent. Her face doesn’t betray any emotion. I don’t know where I stand and every second that ticks by my heart rate and blood pressure rise.
“If I didn’t believe your heart was in the right place, I would be mad. There was just one flaw in your plan. Michael did write me a letter. He didn’t finish it and had it shoved in between pages of a magazine. I didn’t find it until we moved from my mom’s house into my own. It’s no wonder no one found it when they tried to.”
“I didn’t know. I just wanted to do the right thing.”
I want to jump over the coffee table, hold onto her and hope she knows how true my words are.
“Tommy, I already told you, I like sweet guys. I know your intentions were good, but it wasn’t exactly like this between us. Why didn’t you just tell me how you felt instead of pretending that’s how Mike felt?”
This time I don’t hesitate. I get up and walk around the table and kneel down next to Ella’s chair.
“I never wanted to tell you because I was too chicken shit. When I wrote that letter, I just wanted you to have a memory of Michael that wasn’t about how he died.”
Ella leans down and kisses the top of my head. She runs her fingers though the short hair at the base of my neck and I stretch my arms out and hug her from the side. Being on my knees and her sitting down we are almost eye to eye. When I pull back from our embrace, our mouths are only inches apart. The arm of the chair is the only thing keeping our bodies from being fully connected. The urge to kiss her is too strong. I can’t resist any longer. I lean forward and tentatively put my lips on hers.
When my lips connect with hers it is like I connected myself to a high voltage battery. The first kiss is followed by two quick pecks. The third time our lips touch, Ella returns the kiss. Our breath mingles together, and pure bliss fills me as our tongues meet. Ella puts her hand on my chest and I immediately pull back.
“I’m sorry.” My response is automatic and the first thing I can think of as guilt mingles with the aftershocks of my first romantic kiss with dream girl swirl together.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I wanted you to kiss me. I wanted you to kiss me for a long time, but I haven’t been with anyone in a long time.”
Ella hides her face in her hands after she makes her comment. I slowly pull them away from her face and tip her chin towards me.
“Don’t be embarrassed. You have had a lot to think about and I am sure dating was last on the list.”
“That was only part of it. I didn’t know what to do. I married the captain of the football team because I got pregnant. That’s my total experience with men.”
“Come on. I’ve been telling you since grade school you could have any man you want, Ella.” She slaps my shoulder then lays her head on it immediately after.
“You and Michael have always been the only men in my life who mattered to me. I want you back in my life. That means I want you to be part of Lina’s life too. Are you going to stick around and get to know us?”
It is one thing to believe something and another to hear it out loud. It’s a good thing I am on my knees because just hearing her say she wants me in her life and Lina’s would put me on them easily. I still kn
ow we need to finish the conversation we keep missing. If she still wants me in their life after that then I will know I deserve to be there.
“Yes! I am going to stick around probably longer than you want.”
I put my lips on hers and hold them there for just a moment. I want to hold this memory forever just in case. When I pull back to look at her face and complete the memory, I can see affection in her eyes, and it blows me away that it is pointed at me. I want to say the perfect thing but that was never my strong suit. What’s the right thing to say when your wildest dream comes true?
“I’m very happy to hear that and I want you to know that I like kissing you.” Ella’s cheeks flame red and she buries her face again on my shoulder.
“Hey, none of that.” I pull her back by her shoulders and cup her face with my hands. She’s so delicate and soft. I run my thumb over her cheeks and chin. I simply look at her and wait for what she has to say next.
“MOM! Can I come out now?” Lina’s voice echoes down the hall and Ella pulls back from me breaking our intense moment.
She yells her response. “I’ll be right there Lina.” Followed by a much softer comment to me, “Can we continue this later in the week? Hopefully when you don’t fall asleep or we get interrupted by little miss in there.”
“Yes, of course we can. There are things I need to tell you.” I watch intently as she leans over to the coffee table and picks up the envelope, I had all but forgotten.
“Don’t tell me before you read this letter. This is the letter Michael actually wrote. I know I told you I wanted answers and I still do but none of them will bring him back to either of us.”
I swallow hard wondering how far apart the two letters were. I wonder why it’s important for her that I know what he said to her. I don’t have much time to ponder it before she puts it in my hand and closes my fingers around it.
“I don’t understand why you want me to read it.” The ghosts of guilt from the past and confusion at the present moment mingle together in my mind and taint my joy.