by Kay Maree
“You will. Don’t read it now. You’ll know when you should and if you want to tell me something after you read it, we’ll talk about it. Until then let’s get to know each other again.”
I am more confused than ever, but it seems like I am not the only one who has secrets to tell. I kiss her cheek and stand up to start my walk to the door. I want to stay with her on her couch until I become a permanent fixture in her life, but we have to deal with the present and the past before we can start the future.
When I get to the door, I end our day as casually as I can. “I’ll call you later.”
“I am looking forward to it.”
I head down the driveway and think about calling a taxi but decide to take a walk to clear my head instead.
Past
“Hey Tommy, are you okay?”
Mike leans against the doorway of my room. During this deployment we each have our own space although our facilities are still communal It gives me the chance to write letters to my Dad and a few friends back home.
“Yeah, just finishing a letter to my Dad. What are you up to?”
“I am going to head out for a little bit and want to you to come with me.”
“Sure, where are we going?”
“I want you to meet someone.”
“Okay.” I don’t think about who he wants me to meet I just change my clothes and tuck in my dog tags. Mike drives us to a bar he seems to know well even though it is a little off the beaten path.
“Who are we meeting?”
“To be honest, you already met her, but I would like you to officially meet.”
“I am drawing a blank. Who are you talking about?”
“Millie.”
“Who is Millie?”
“Millie is the girl who came into the kitchen a few months ago.”
“Are you serious?” My blood boils instantly.
“Yeah, I am serious. I am in love with her Tommy.”
“Mike you can’t be in love with her. You are married!”
“I am getting a divorce, Tommy.”
“No, you aren’t! How could you do that to Ella? Her parents are going to be furious!”
We have pulled into the parking space and Mike is turned in the driver seat, so he is looking at me.
“Listen to yourself. We are twenty-one years old. The reason we got married was because she was pregnant. We slept together once, and she got pregnant. I deserve to be with someone because I am in love with them.”
Mike’s words are harsh, but they land on my heart. He’s right. He deserves to have the love he wants and so does Ella. I just hope this situation with Mike doesn’t break her.
“You’re right. You do deserve that. I am just surprised, and this is really awkward for me. You are both my best friends.”
“We already talked about it last week when I was home and when we are done with this tour, we’re going to make it official.”
After the official introductions Millie and Mike leave me to play pool. I find myself over indulging to compensate for my own emotions. Sometime around midnight I stop remembering exactly what is happening.
“Tommy, we have to go. There is a mission today.”
“What?” My head is filled with rocks and my mouth feels like I have cotton stuffed in it.
“You have to get up and get dressed. You smell terrible so go take a shower.”
“Fine. Stop screaming at me.”
“I am barely whispering. You’re in bad shape man.”
I am in the shower when Mike knocks on the door.
“I am going as fast as I can!” None of my limbs want to work properly. They can’t seem to move in the direction I am trying to get them to. I want to puke so I don’t feel so bad but can’t manage to do that either.
“Don’t worry about it. They called and we need to shave down the mission. I told them you were under the weather so stay in and I’ll see you later.”
“Wait, what? Are you serious?”
I pull back the shower curtain just as he opens the door and pops his head in.
“Yeah, I’m serious. I owe you one. Hell, a lot more than one. This won’t make it even but suffice it to say I intend to get us there.”
“Thank you. I appreciate it. I am never drinking again.”
“Been there. Thank you for last night. You meeting Millie means a lot to me. You are the closest thing I have to a brother.”
“I can see you really care about her.” I don’t know if I am fully there yet, but I agree it’s a step in the right direction.
“I have to go. Let’s talk more about this tonight. Love you man.”
“I’ll see you later. Hopefully then my head will be back on my shoulders.”
Present
I have questioned every decision I made that night and the next morning for six years. When they told me that Mike was killed on the mission all I could think was it should have been me. I could barely look at Ella at the funeral. I could barely look at myself. Everyone assumed that it was because of how close Mike and I were. They weren’t wrong; they just didn’t understand how hard it was to keep living when I understood how easily it would have been for me to be the one in the box instead of Mike.
Seeing Ella again I felt some of that weight I had been carrying lift but there is still more survivors guilt for me to process. The prospect of having her and Lina as part of my life is something, I will do anything to have even if that means I need to forgive myself. I keep returning to Butch’s advice to live my life. When I get home, I lay the envelope she gave me in a box of letters and mementos I keep in my bedroom. It’s time to start learning how to live again.
I manage to wait until lunch time on Tuesday to text her. I must have written out ten different texts before I land on one to send.
“Hi. How has your week been so far?” I nervously await her reply, but she puts me out of my misery quickly.
“The week is good so far. How about yours? Lots of cars to fix?”
Our conversation goes quickly from there.
“Slow week but I have all the parts for your truck. Should be ready soon.”
“Awesome. What day do you think it will be done?”
“Oh, I’d say Friday or Saturday.”
“What do you think about driving it over to the house when it’s done?”
“I think that’s a great idea.”
“Lina has been asking me about you. She asked if you are going to be my boyfriend.”
“Did she? What did you tell her?”
“I said not yet.”
“LOL. I better step my game up so you can change your answer.”
“Yes I was thinking the same thing.”
“I’ll let you know if something changes but let’s plan on Saturday afternoon. I’ll tell Butch I need to take a half day.”
“Sounds like a plan. Text me later in the week.”
“Will do. Tell Lina I said hi, too.”
“She’ll love that. Thank you.”
I put my phone away and go to find Butch. He’s at his desk which is back in its messy state. I’ve been sleeping at night and skipping the early morning hours in the office.
“Hey Butch.”
“Hey Gable. Everything alright?”
“Yeah, I need to take Saturday afternoon off. I know it’s a busy day, but I’d like to delivery Ella’s truck to her.”
“You going to be done with it in time?”
“It will probably take me working around the clock, but I should finish just in time.”
Butch leans back in his chair and puts both hands behind his head.
“I’ll make you a deal. You help me get this paperwork cleaned up and you agree to do it once a week moving forward, I’ll get one or two guys to help you finish the truck for Saturday. That little girl and her mother deserve it.”
It’s a no brainer.
“Deal.” I stick my hand out across the piles of paperwork an
d we shake on it.
“So, you decided to be happy after all it seems.”
“Yeah, Butch, thank you, I appreciate you helping me pull my head out of my ass.”
Butch gives a deep belly laugh as his response and shoos me out of the office.
“I’ll have guys ready to help this afternoon. Now, get out of here and do some work.”
“Thank you Butch.”
“Just make them happy. That will be all the thanks I need.”
“Deal.” I slap the wall and walk back to the bays.
It takes three of us all the hours we can spare to get the truck finished. When it’s done late Friday night it runs like it is brand new. Unfortunately it looks the same, but it will keep my girls safe. Every part I replaced was a healing penance towards forgiveness.
“You clean up pretty good, Gable.”
“Thank you. I wanted to look nice today. “
After lamenting the decision for longer than I should I decided on a crisp white dress shirt and black dress pants. I can’t change the way the truck looks on the outside, but I can change out of my jeans.
“She’s something special, isn’t she?”
“She’s more than special; she and Lina are going to be my whole life.”
“Well then I know you will take care of them. You should bring them around here. That little girl could help around the shop and we sure could use some of her energy around here.”
“I will do just that. Thank you again for helping me out.”
“Oh, you got the shit end of that deal. I hate paperwork. If I could get out if all together I would.”
“I think once a week is plenty for me Butch.”
I slap his shoulder as I climb into the truck and get ready to drive towards Ella and Lina.
I park the truck in the driveway and before I can get halfway up the walkway the door flies open. Lina flies out screaming behind her.
“MOM! Tommy is here!”
She runs up to me and practically jumps into my arms. It’s a completely different feeling than holding Ella but equally as addictive. I hug the little girl in return, and she jumps down quickly when her mother calls to her from the door.
“Michaelina Janise what did I tell you about running out the door?”
“But it’s Tommy Momma. He brought our truck back!”
“Yes, I see that. Well that certainly doesn’t look like it just needed an oil change.” She whispers the last part in my ear as we hug quickly.
Lina races down to the truck and back around us. Her mom catches her by the waist on one of her rotations and hoists her up on her right hip. She extends her left hand to me and I take it. The three of us move down the driveway and I open the driver side door for her. She puts Lina behind the wheel and we both wedge into the space of the open door.
“I don’t think this truck has been this clean in two decades!”
“In truth it did need a little more work than I originally told you but if you are going to be driving it, I want both my girls to be safe.” It’s the first time I voiced the sentiment out loud and I hope it lands properly on the hearts it is intended for.
“Ohhhhh, Tommy and Mommy sittin’ in a tree.” Ella laughs and puts her hand over Lina’s mouth.
“Looks like someone is excited at the prospect of you being my girl.” I laugh and after I put my hand on Ella’s shoulder continue. “I meant what I said my girls. I want to take care of both of you.”
Ella turns to me and the hand that was over Lina’s mouth slips away and lands on my chest. She looks up at me and turns those gorgeous eyes on my face. The Autumn sun shines around her and I am filled with a warmth that no summer day could ever match.
“I already told you Tommy, I like sweet guys and we are both lucky to have you.” She closes her statement with a quick kiss on my lips. Lina starts up her song again and my eyes fill up with the happy tears for the first time in my life.
“Lina, how about you scoot over and let me take you and your Mom for some ice cream?”
“I knew I liked you Tommy.”
As she scoots over towards the passenger side of the car Ella leans into my side.
“You sure about this Tommy? You ready for this?”
“I’ve been waiting for this since the third grade, Ella.”
I get another quick kiss before she slides across the seat and sticks her hand out to me.
“Hurry up before Lina gets hangry.”
The three of us giggle as I turn over the engine and start our journey towards becoming a family.
One Year Later
“Uncle Butch!” Lina starts screaming for him as soon as the front door is open. Over the past year the two have created a wonderfully, unexpected friendship. Until last year she only had her mom and grandparents in her life; none of which live close by. Now she has an entire shop of mechanics run by her new Uncle Butch, my sister’s husband Uncle Langston, my dad who has chosen to be called Pop his wife Rebecca, and me.
“No running in the bays, Lina.” I don’t have the authoritative tone her mom does but I’m learning a little at a time.
“Yes sir.” Lina slows down and throws her arms around Butch’s waist and his whole world lights up. Then she comes over and gives me a hug and my whole world lights up too. She seems to light up everyone around her. Even the shop is more fun with her here. The music gets a little louder, the guys laugh a little easier. They certainly have made some nice contributions to her college fund thanks to their use of four-letter words.
“No running for you either, young lady.” Butch winks at Ella as she walks in behind Lina. She even mimics Lina’s earlier response to me. “Yes sir.”
Ella comes to me and gives me a hug that lights my soul on fire. Getting to know her again has been better than I ever imagined. It’s been so incredible that tonight I am proposing. It took six months after we went for ice cream for me to be ready to read Mike’s letter. When I did it changed everything. The last weight that had been holding me back from being the man that deserved to love Ella and Lina fell away and I started the path to make her my wife and Lina my daughter.
“You look beautiful.” She blushes and kisses my cheek at the compliment. She may get sick of hearing it, but I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
“Thank you. So are you going to tell me what we are doing tonight?”
“Not just yet. You’ll find out soon enough. You ready to go?”
“I’m ready.” We walk back towards Butch’s office and I pop my head in. Lina and Butch are “organizing” his paperwork. He keeps a stack of old bills in a drawer just so she can play with them.
“You guys all set for tonight?”
“Yep we’re going to have pizza and watch a movie.”
“Thank you Butch we really appreciate this.”
“You know Lina can stay with me anytime. You kids have fun tonight.”
Butch is in on the surprise. He’s going to tell Lina after we leave. I asked her a few months ago if I could marry her mom and she told me yes, but I couldn’t burden her with keeping this a secret. We’ll be meeting up with everyone after I pop the question so we will see them soon.
“Ready to go?”
“You bet!” Ella slides to the middle of the seat and I follow her and take the wheel.
As we drive, she continues to ask me question after question about where we are going and what we are doing? I keep deflecting but I can tell she is feeling nervous and I as much as I hate making her nervous, I love knowing how the day will end.
The drive to where we are going is short. When I pull the truck over onto the side of the road the confusion on her face is obvious. There is nothing around us; it is just a stretch of road that she can’t place. For me it’s where our fate brought us back together.
I get out of the car and extend my hand to Ella who joins me. I walk us around to the back of the car and lower the tailgate. Inside is a picnic basket I had one
of the guys place here when Ella pulled in.
“Well you are certainly surprising me tonight, Mr. Gable.”
I open the basket and pull out a bottle of champagne and two flutes. I place it next to her and we both take a seat on the bed of the truck. It’s the perfect August sunset and I can’t imagine any moment more perfect than this to ask her to be my wife.
“I hope you can take one more surprise.”
“I think I can do that.”
I slide down off the bed of the truck and I stand in between Ella’s knees. I kiss her thoroughly enjoying being able to have her to myself.
“I love you, Gabriella Fitzgerald. I hope you know that.”
“Yes of course I know that. I love you too, Tommy.”
I lean back and retrieve the ring from my pocket. I drove to my Dad’s house for a barbecue and while we were there, I let him know my intentions. He gave me the same ring he proposed to my mother with and now I am ready to give it to the woman of my dreams. I open the top of the box and Ella’s hands fly to her mouth. In an instant a tear forms in the corner of her eyes and in mine as well. I want to do this properly. I kneel down and make the request official.
“Ella, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
Tears stream down both of our faces as she climbs down from the truck and wraps herself around me. She rains kisses on my entire face, but I haven’t heard an official affirmation yet.
“Is that a yes?”
“YES!!!!”
She unwinds from around me and tries to kneel, but I pick her up and place her on the tailgate again. When she’s seated, I pull the ring out of the box and slip it on her finger. It fits perfectly. Then our lips fit perfectly together as we seal our promise again.
“Thank goodness. That would have been embarrassing if you had said no.”
“You knew I would say yes. Even Lina told you so.” Ella laughs and then I follow.
“Well I guess I know who I can’t tell a secret to anymore.”
“Oh give her a break she’s six and she got excited. She loves you too.”
“I know. Speaking of people who are excited I may have people at your house waiting for us to show up.”