Hold on to Hope

by Jackson, A. L.

I mean, what the fuck did that message mean? And who would give it if they didn’t want something specific from me?

  Apprehension blazing, I glanced down at where Everett was still lying at my side, sucking on the satin trim of the blankie, pointing at all those stars like he was as interested in them as the way I’d been.

  I snuggled him closer. I should have put him down in his crib two hours ago, but I was having a hard time letting him get too far away.

  He didn’t seem to mind.

  My own personal night owl.

  Softly, I murmured the names of the constellations he was staring at, pointing at each one. Figured it was a good enough distraction.

  Orion and Aquila and Ursa Major.

  Pegasus.

  “See that one,” I murmured, pointing to the constellation that had always been ours. “I always liked to believe that one is about chasing your dreams. About allowing yourself to be free and believe. About being brave and tapping into the magical things you have inside of yourself. That one reminds me of Frankie Leigh.”

  His head popped up in acute interest. “Fi-Fi?”

  A light chuckle rumbled out, and I smoothed my hand over the top of his head. “You like Fi-Fi?”

  He got to his knees, nodding one of his nods and getting in my face. “Ehvie, Fi-Fi? Go?” He pointed at my door.

  I laughed.

  “Yeah, buddy, I want her, too. But we can’t go right now. It’s nigh-night time.”

  Everett leaned up higher on his knees, patting my chest, getting up close to my face with that grin that twisted me in two. His little lips moved erratically, his spirit speaking to me even though I wasn’t sure exactly what he said.

  Nothing except for, “Da.”

  Then he slobbered a kiss against my chin.

  God.

  I never thought I could feel like this.

  So goddamn in love and terrified at the same time.

  All of this bullshit dangling in the periphery.

  Danger on the fringes.

  If things around here weren’t stressful enough, those fucking results still lingered out in no-man’s land.

  A threat of punishment and penalty.

  A judgment coming.

  Had I passed on this curse or not?

  It was brutal.

  Worry coming at us on all sides.

  But somehow, this room? It felt safe. Right. Like nothing could tear me from this child.

  I pressed my lips to his temple, breathing in all the sweet. “I love you, too, Chunky Monk.”

  Finally, he snuggled on the bed beside me with the old stuffed animal of mine I’d given him.

  Crazy thing? I was already having a hard time remembering what my life had been like without him in it. But I had to remember that he’d been ripped from the normalcy of his.

  Was still fucking worried that this poor kid didn’t know what the hell was going on.

  Knew at times he had to feel scared and abandoned and missing something important in his life.

  A hole cut out of him in the shape of his mother.

  Ashley.

  He cried for her sometimes and that was about the roughest thing I’d experienced. Not being able to explain to my son why she wasn’t here.

  Couldn’t come to terms with the way I felt about her. Pissed as all hell that she’d kept me in the dark, that she hadn’t had the decency to tell me, and distraught for her at the same time.

  No. We’d been no love match.

  But she’d been cool.

  A friend. If I really thought about it, she had probably been more into me than I was into her.

  But the truth was, I really didn’t know her all that well.

  Didn’t know her history or her hopes or spent enough time with her to even get the inclination that she could topple into depression.

  Her brother’s face streaked through my mind. That feeling I’d gotten.

  Just . . . something about it didn’t sit right.

  And those two notes . . . the word left on my car and the porch.

  My heart palpitated in fear. Knot filling up my throat.

  I wrapped my arms around Everett and whispered at his head, “I’m going to take care of you. No matter what.”

  A flash of light in my periphery caught my attention, and I jerked to look at the window.

  Ready to fucking go to war.

  That was until I saw the throbbing rhythm. The same secret code Frankie and I had made when we were kids.

  Our own private, flickering SOS.

  I need you.

  My pulse stuttered into a sprint.

  Frankie and I had climbed up and down the trellis outside my window what had to have been a thousand times. Had no idea why she’d chosen to come this way rather than text and show at the front door. Wasn’t like we were kids who needed to sneak around any longer. Guess what surprised me most was that she was actually there.

  That she’d come at all.

  “Dis?” Everett poked his head back up, his attention piqued. That little finger was pointing excitedly at the window.

  I understood the reaction.

  “Looks like our Frankie came to see us.”

  His green eyes went wide with approval. “Fi-Fi?”

  He babbled something, still pointing away, while my chest grew tighter and tighter as she continued to flash the light at the window, the way she’d always gotten my attention as a child.

  A signal.

  A sign.

  Her spirit calling out.

  I slipped off the side of the bed, taking Everett with me. He dropped the stuffed animal, both hands fisted in my shirt.

  Need clutched my stomach.

  Apprehension.

  Anticipation.

  Everything rolled with thunder. My heart and my breaths and my mind.

  I slowly crossed the room. Felt like I was stepping into unfound territory, unsure of where this was going to lead.

  Every flash of her light slammed me with a fierce bolt of longing.

  Energy shivering.

  Rumbles of a storm underfoot.

  Frankie Leigh was a silhouette in the window, but I’d recognize her anywhere. Wild curls flying around her, cinnamon eyes sparks of life in the darkest night.

  She’d always been my sun. She’d called me out of the shadows that spun through the quiet in my mind. The girl finding me in the seclusion. Drawing me out of the isolation.

  Lump in my throat, I fumbled around to push open the window with my free hand. Her aura flooded in, crashing against my chest and spilling onto the floor.

  Could feel the weight of her gasp. The breath that she released. Like my presence struck her the exact same way.

  I reached my hand out to help her through.

  Energy crackled at the connection, this seething desperation, and I could tell she was trying to hold her breath while she climbed through the window.

  Everett clung to my side, hiding his face, but peering out with one of his scrunched-up smiles. Frankie’s gaze was on him, like she felt his pull. Like she couldn’t resist him any more than I could.

  “What are you still doing awake, little man?” Could tell she was whispering, and she reached out to touch his cheek before she grabbed his hand when he pointed at her again.

  Wondered why the fuck if felt like she was reaching out to caress me at the same time.

  “It’s late,” she said.

  “Guess maybe he was staying awake, expecting you.” My throat felt tight and heavy when I said it, tension bounding through the tense air.

  Those eyes swung over to me, but she was still holding onto Everett’s hand. I wondered if she even knew she was doing it. If she felt this affinity with him, too.

  Didn’t try to stop the smile from lighting on my mouth. “What are you doing here? Not that I’m complaining or anything.”

  She went to chewing on her lip again, action full of apology and worry and doubt. “I heard what happened this afternoon. That you had somethin’ painted on the porch.
Your mama left the store totally beside herself.”

  Frankie hesitated, those eyes dim. “It’s my fault.”

  “What are you talking about? How is it your fault?”

  She gave a regretful shake of her head. “I . . . I think it was Jack. The other mornin’ . . . when we broke up?” She inhaled a heavy breath, and her shoulders hitched high. Clearly her worry extended to my son who she glanced at before she returned her gaze to me.

  “When I told him about us, he threw a rock through my car window. Accused you of bein’ a freak. I . . . I never in a million years thought he would pull somethin’ like that. He was irate, Evan. Volatile. I mean, I knew he was gonna be upset, but I’d never expected him to come off like that. He told me he loved me and things weren’t over between us.”

  “What?” I demanded, fully caught off guard.

  Protectiveness struck like a match that burst into an inferno.

  Consuming fury.

  “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Fuck, Frankie . . . did that bastard hurt you?”

  “No,” she rushed. “I didn’t want to upset you. Didn’t want to get you tangled up in the mess that I’d already made. I figured he would cool off and see reason. I’m so sorry.”

  Guilt creased every line of that stunning face. I reached out and cupped it, that rage back in full force.

  “This isn’t your fault, Frankie. No matter what.” My head shook as I tried to process through the information. “Honestly? I’m not sure that it was him. The note that was left? It felt . . . personal.”

  She huffed out a laugh that held zero amusement. “Oh, it’s personal, Evan. He thinks you stole somethin’ that is his. He’s been weird about you from day one. The day you got here, he started wanting answers about who you are to me.”

  I moved into her space. Had to admit, I loved the sharp intake of air that she sucked in when I pressed up close to her. “Did I take something that was his? Seems to me like he had something that was mine.”

  Flustered, she stepped back, fidgeted with the hem of her shirt.

  Damn, I wanted her.

  Wanted to kiss her and love her and touch her. The way it was supposed to be.

  She turned away and started roaming my room. Something wistful and soft filled the atmosphere. She reached out and traced the medals and trophies that still remained on my shelf, tenderly brushed her fingers over the framed pictures of us. I was holding Everett tight when she looked back. “It’s been so long since I’ve been in here. How’s it possible it feels so different and somehow exactly the same?”

  I moved over for the bed and sat Everett down on it. On his hands and knees, he bounced around like a frog.

  Frankie looked at him. There was so much affection coming from her it nearly dropped me to my knees.

  “Our worlds might have spun off course, Frankie, but you and I are still here. You and I are still the same.”

  Shadows played across her face, across her body, and fuck, I knew she was asking for time, but I didn’t know how to stand there and not claim this girl as mine.

  Not when she’d always been.

  Frankie sank down on the edge of the bed. She pulled one knee up so she could face me where I remained standing at the end of it.

  I’M SCARED, EVAN.

  Hatred pulsed. I was going to put an end to whoever this bastard was who was causing a threat. But if it was that prick, Jack? Thought of it made me see red.

  I WON’T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU. NOT TO YOU OR EVERETT.

  She dropped her eyes, contemplating before she looked back up. “And what if what I’m really scared of is you leaving me again?”

  I moved over to the opposite side of the bed and sat down, blocking Everett in between us. Like instinct, Frankie laid her head down on the pillow like she’d been doing it forever, the way we used to do when she’d sneak into my room and we’d stare at the constellations on the ceiling and dream and laugh and pretend.

  Except this?

  Nothing had ever felt so real.

  “And even after everything? I don’t think I know how to stay away from you.” She said it like it was the confession of a sin. Like she was the one to blame.

  Following her lead, I laid my head on the pillow and slipped my hand across the mattress. Grabbing onto a piece of her hair, I twirled it round and round my finger.

  “I don’t even know why you would try,” I told her, our words vibrations that melded in the space between. “We get lost, and we’ll always find our way back to each other.”

  “Evan.” Sadness poured from her, all mixed up with the fierceness of the love that flooded the room.

  A blanket wrapping us in security.

  A shroud of sanctity.

  The truth of who we were even if we weren’t quite back there yet.

  Everett sat up on his bottom, pointed toward the ceiling, his mouth making a little ‘o’, showing off what he had seen.

  Frankie tipped her gaze up toward the stars. She shifted up onto her elbow so she could focus on him. “Do you like those, Everett? Aren’t they amazing? Your daddy loves the stars. I think it only makes sense that you do, too.”

  “I showed him yours,” I told her.

  Wistfulness washed through her expression, and she turned to look at Pegasus.

  Shit. Had the unbearable need to hear her voice in that moment. Wanted to experience it all. The sound and the taste and the brush of it across my skin.

  “I always thought I could soar so high I could touch the stars.”

  “You did . . . and I was always right there, trying to keep up with you.”

  “I think I was always beggin’ for your attention so you’d follow.”

  A somber smile played around that sexy mouth.

  I was having a hard time keeping myself in check.

  Could see Everett was finally fading, so I grabbed the stuffed animal he’d dropped on the floor.

  The green frog I’d carried around my whole life like it was a lifeline. Guess I wanted to offer that to him, the same comfort it’d always given me, this girl always within reach. “You want this, Chunky Monk?”

  His eyes lit up. “Ehvie, dis?”

  Adoration and disbelief sparked in Frankie’s expression. She looked over at me as Everett threw his arms around it. Hugging it to his chest, he buried his face in the dingy, worn fabric.

  “You still have it?” she whispered in surprise.

  “Of course, I still have it. You gave it to me. Day you told me you were giving me your heart, remember? You think I ever would have thrown that away?” Tried to tease, but the words reverberated with old misery.

  Three years lost.

  Three years wandering.

  Three years of wishing I could be someone different.

  Someone better. Someone right. Someone healthy who could offer this woman a good life.

  She stretched her hand out across the bed, her fingertips fluttering over the thunder of my heart. “It’s always been yours.”

  “Frankie.” It was a plea.

  Everett suddenly toppled himself forward like he was as desperate as me to get into her hold, kid spreading out on his stomach while pressing his face into the crook of her elbow. Wasn’t sure if he was mumbling a bunch of words against her skin or giving her kisses, but I could see his mouth moving.

  He was so tired that I was thinking he was probably getting delusional.

  Frankie began to rub his back. Softly. Tenderly.

  “Shh,” she whispered.

  Like it was intuition.

  Second nature.

  “Are you tired, sweet boy? Shh . . . just relax. We’re right here.”

  Love squeezed my chest. So damn tight I could hardly breathe. Could hardly see anything but the beauty of this.

  His little thumb snaked its way into his mouth.

  Fuck.

  How many times had I dreamed of a picture like this? Frankie with my kid? Only in that fantasy, the child would be ours. We’d be married and have a family and th
is fucked-up plague wouldn’t stand the chance of following us. In that dream, those kids would never be put at risk and I’d live to an old age out on some porch in a rocking chair with Frankie at my side, watching our children grow.

  A gush of sorrow swamped me.

  Overwhelming.

  Fact I’d probably never have a chance to watch this little boy become a man. That I might not get the chance to witness the amazing things he would become.

  More terrifying was that I’d been so careless that he might be put in the same position, too. That I’d already cast his lot.

  Condemned him to a life that I would never want him to have to live.

  They were almost the exact same thoughts I’d had that night three years ago, when leaving had felt like the only option, the only thing I could do to make a fucked-up situation right.

  I struggled around it, those thoughts that wanted to creep in and take me hostage.

  A soft hand grazed my jaw, drawing me out of the spiral. My gaze drifted up to find Frankie watching me, like she’d witnessed every single thought that had run through my mind.

  “Evan,” she murmured.

  “Are you scared?” she asked.

  TERRIFIED.

  Terrified of the love that felt like too much.

  “He’s so beautiful. He looks so healthy. So much like you.”

  My head shook in disbelief. “Never thought I’d get to be a dad.”

  A flash of longing swept through Frankie Leigh’s being at my admission. I hoped she would get it. Understand me on the level that she always had. “I shouldn’t be.”

  “Evan—”

  My head shook a little harder, cutting her off. “And I sure didn’t expect to be a single dad. Going this alone. Especially when I didn’t even know he existed.”

  Tenderly, she ran her hand down his back. “You’re not alone, Evan. Look at everyone around you. Everyone who loves you. I . . . I can’t believe she didn’t tell you. That you found out this way.”

  She kept rubbing his back.

  A sweet, sweet consolation.

  Like she wanted to wipe away Ashley’s stain. Make up for her deficit.

  Emotion trembled through my body. “I love him so much, Frankie. I hardly know this child, and I’d give up everything for him.”

  “Love for a child is instant.” I barely caught the words on her lips, felt them more than anything.