by Daisy Allen
“Shut up,” I growl at him as I collect my order from the counter.
“I knew it”
“Fuck off, I’ve gotta go.”
“Yeah, maybe brush your teeth before you climb back into your bed in those clothes you wore last night!” Marius calls after me, as I run out the door to my car.
“Fucking idiots,” I mumble as I drive back to Emily’s house. Juggling the drinks and paper bag, I quietly shut the car door and make my way up the driveway, hoping her family are still asleep and I can creep back into her room.
“Windsor! What are you doing here?”
I spin around to see Silas following me up the driveway. Unlike me and my mates, he appears to have already showered and changed into non-prom-wearing attire.
“Um. I’m here to see Emily,” I explain, almost dropping the coffees in surprise.
He stares at me for a moment, sunglasses hiding the expression in his eyes. “It’s a bit early, don’t you think?”
“Well, you’re here, aren’t you?” I reply, shrugging my shoulders.
He sticks his hands in his pockets, his chest suddenly seeming a little wider. “Well, I’m her boyfriend.”
It takes everything I have in that moment not to throw the coffees in his face. Instead, I calmly ask, “You sure?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, last I heard you guys had called it off.”
“Nah, that was just a fight. She just needed some space. Anyway, she texted me last night. She said she wanted to see me. So here I am.” He lifts his sunglasses up on top of his head and gives me a wink.
“She texted you?” I don’t believe him. She can’t have.
“Yeah.”
“When?” When could she have sent it?
“Last night.”
He’s making it up. He has to be. “When, man, when?”
He frowns, his eyes searching mine, wondering why I’m so invested in his answer. “I don’t fucking know, late last night. Why does it matter?”
“Show me.” I don’t care how desperate I seem. I need to know the truth.
“You’re outta your mind.” He takes a few steps up the driveway to the front door.
I follow him, the hot coffee spilling from the unsealed lid, burning my hand. “Just...come on, man, humor me.”
“Fine!” He gives in and flicks through his phone before holding it out for me to read.
It only takes a few words to make the whole world start spinning around me.
Hey Si :) didn’t see you at Prom. Sorry I haven’t been answering your calls. I just needed time to think. I’m ready now. Really, really want to see you and talk. Can you come around tomorrow? Thanks, E x
It was sent at 2 a.m. After I’d made love to her, been inside her, fallen asleep naked next to her.
She’d been thinking of him the whole time.
I think I’m going to be sick.
“I…I gotta go,” I say, not specifically to Silas, just out loud. I stagger down the driveway, still carrying what was meant to be breakfast in bed.
“Hey, is that stuff for her?” Silas reminds me.
I walk back and shove it into his open hands. “Yeah. Um, yeah. Have at it. See ya ‘round, man. Have a nice life.”
Once inside my car, my head drops onto the steering wheel as I try to regain my breath. It had all meant nothing to her. Nothing. She’s been wanting Silas the whole time. Even sleeping with me was probably all part of a scheme to make him jealous.
I force myself to start the car and as I drive past, I see the front door open and Silas walk inside.
***
“Do you want the good news or the bad news?” our manager asks us as we all arrive at rehearsal a few days later.
“Good news, then stop!” Marius yells out.
“Okay, the good news is...” Dennis starts, drawing out each word, enjoying the looks on our faces. “The good news is you’re GOING ON TOUR!”
“What?” we all exclaim in unison, jumping out of our chairs.
“You’re going on your first-ever, full-on, blown-out, month-long tour,” Dennis announces, like he’s announcing the winner of a three hundred million dollar lottery.
“NO!” Marius yells and jumps onto Jez’s back, almost knocking him over.
“A TOUR!” I scream into Sebastian’s face and he pulls me into a huge man-hug. “Where? When?”
Dennis grins at us as he lays out the details. “All over France and Switzerland. Turns out they love your ugly mugs over there. I told you some of your songs from your EP have been getting some airplay? Well, they’ve organized an eighteen-stop tour starting in a month’s time. Here’s the bad news though: as soon as you guys can pack your bags I’m taking you to the studio my friends have in Cambridge to lay down some tracks and put in some rehearsal time. You’re gonna need to bone up on your live performances. These venues aren’t going to be like your high school gym.” Our stunned faces just stare back at him. “You stunned mullets in?”
My bandmates all yell “In!” in turn as Dennis asks them one by one.
When he gets to me, all I can say is, “Just tell me when we fucking leave.”
***
It’s a week after prom and I still haven’t heard a word from her. The guys have taken to hiding my phone whenever I’m with them, to stop me checking it every two minutes. And every time I mention her name, I know to expect a hard slap up the side of my head.
I don’t care. Couldn’t hurt worse than when I conjure up her face, and the thought that it seems like already she’s completely forgotten me. If I did mean something, anything at all, she’d have tried to reach out to me already. At least as friends. Because I thought we’d at least have that. The memory of being friends.
“You can’t do this to her,” Marius says walking me home after our last briefing from Dennis before we go.
I grab at a bird-eaten, low-hanging apple off the neighbor’s tree. “Do what?”
“Leave without saying anything. You guys have been friends for years.”
“She did it to me.” I fling the apple down the empty street with all my strength, watching it shatter when it hits the hot asphalt.
“Doesn’t mean it’s right. At least write her a note, man. Do it for you if not for her. You can’t leave it like this.”
“And say what? Give me my heart back, you nefarious bitch?” The last few words come out harsher than I expect, and I cringe, not wanting to feel this way, this anger, this resentment.
“Sure. That’s one idea, or… ‘I’m leaving, come with me?’?”
“What’s the point?” I ask.
“Because what’ve you got to lose?”
***
Went out for our hangover cure. Came back to find Silas there.I’m leaving on tour. Not sure when coming back. Not asking you to come with. Just asking you to come say goodbye. We leave from King’s at 2 p.m. on Thursday. Don’t reply if you’re not coming. Just be there. Please. That night with you was the best moment of my entire life.
The buzz tells me that the text message is sent.
***
Sebastian tugs on my sleeve. “We gotta go, buddy.”
I don’t move, my eyes scanning the station. “Just...please, just one more minute.”
Jez comes up behind Sebastian, and picks up the suitcase at my feet. “She’s not coming, mate. We gotta go, we can’t miss another train.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. I know they’re right.
“I’m sorry, B,” Jez says, his arm coming up around my shoulder.
“I thought she would come,” I say, before taking one last look, then letting my friends lead me onto the train.
“I know, man. I did too. I’m sorry.”
I really thought she would come.
Chapter Twelve
Brad
Present Day
“All right lads, we’re late, so listen up.” Dennis stands at the front of the bus, business mode fully on, giving us our daily orders. “We’r
e here for an interview with the college radio station. You’re going to play the two songs. And then a quick meet and greet after. Let’s get in and out without too much fuss. Sell the record. Flirt, do whatever it is you do.”
Jez gets up from his recliner, does a little twerk, and bows to the sound of applause from the rest of us.
Dennis clears his throat and Jez sinks back into his chair smirking, satisfied with his disruption. “Hailey’s got your packs, and she’s going to try to get you all back here by 9 a.m. tomorrow morning. Anyone not here by 9:05 a.m. can find his own sleeping arrangements for tomorrow night. Which, I realize, is not a threat to you man-whores.”
“Hey, I’m not a man-whore!” Sebastian argues.
“Sure you aren’t, sweetie,” his fiancée responds, patting him gently on the head.
“Fine, I’m a taken man-whore,” he pouts, before breaking into a blinding grin.
“There ya go,” Cadence giggles and they come together in a kiss that makes the rest of us groan.
The bus turns off the road and parks in the radio station parking lot and we file out, our crew already there, setting up our equipment inside. Hailey suddenly stops just as we reach the back entrance, causing Marius to bump up hard against her.
“Hey!” he complains and she just waves a hand in his face.
“Shush! Can someone grab Emily? I’ve gotta go make sure they’ve got the right audio setup.”
Everyone turns and looks at me.
“Wha?” I ask.
No one says anything and just continue to stare at me.
“Ugh, fine. No no…let me.” I roll my eyes as I walk back toward the girls’ tour bus.
“Okay, she might still be asleep, so you night need to knock a few times. See you guys inside in five minutes,” Hailey yells after me.
I knock on the door when I get there but there’s no answer. “Bu—, er, Emily? You up? We’ve arrived. We’re on air in ten minutes if you wanna come in and watch it live.”
There’s still no answer so I step inside. I can hear a rumbling in the back and make my way toward the bedroom quarters.
There’s a soft laugh and a murmur of a few words. God, that laugh. How could I have forgotten that laugh? Like she’s high on life and everything you say is the funniest thing she’s ever heard. I could bottle that laugh and sell it on street corners and make more money than I’d ever see with the band.
“I miss you too, baby. I wish you could be here, it’s amazing. You’d love it so much.”
Fuck.
She’s talking to a boyfriend, or a husband…or a lover.
I try not to, but my ears can’t help but strain to listen in on her conversation. There’s the sound of chatter from the other hand. Then she speaks again.
I can’t wait to hear all about it. I’ll call you tonight when everyone’s asleep. Anyway, I’ve gotta go. Love you, Ben. Bye.”
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.
I didn’t even think that that’d be the reason she pulled away. Because of someone else, not just because of me. The prospect of our future falls dark. If it was because of me, at least I could maybe change her mind. If she belonged to someone else, maybe she’d never be open to giving me another chance.
“Ahem.” I clear my throat to alert her to my presence.
“Who’s there?!” she asks, her voice nervous.
“It’s, uh, it’s me. We’ve arrived.” I poke my head around the corner and into her room. Her face blares a fiery red and she shoves her hand deep into her purse. “Oh, um, okay, I’ll be right there.”
“Is, um, is everything okay?” I ask, not sure if I want to know.
“Oh yeah, sure, just a call from, um, from home.” She waves her hand, dismissing my questions.
“Someone must be missing you,” I say, the questions continuing to rise in my throat.
She gathers her things and doesn’t offer any more information. I have to leave before I say something neither of us is going to want to hear, so I make my way back down the bus, calling out to her, “I’ve gotta go meet the others. Just come inside when you’re ready.”
Once outside, winter chill slams against my face and I’m momentarily winded. I take a gasp of breath.
Except it’s not that cold.
The lack of air is from the twisting of my lungs from pure jealousy.
I kick the bus’s front tire before I go inside, my insecurity simmering like poison inside me.
***
“So, Brad. Can you tell us a little about the two songs we’re going to hear from you guys today?” asks Felicia, the radio talk show host, after a few minutes of small talk. We’re on a show based on discovering new talent, and it was one of the programs that supported us the most in our earlier years.
“Well, Felicia…why don’t you tell me what you want to hear and I’ll see if we can sort something out just for you?”
Her laugh fills the earphones and even out the corner of my eye I can see Dennis practically beaming, enjoying my rare display of extroversion.
“Now, now, Brad, don’t be monopolizing our hostess today,” Jez cuts in. “Why don’t you go back to being your usual grumpy self?”
“I can’t help it, Jeremy. Felicia here just brings out the talkative in me, I guess.” I grin at her, and she smiles back, her tongue running along the length of her bottom lip, flirting with me.
“Boys…there’s plenty of me, and your fans to go around, I’m sure. But back to your performance...?”
“How ‘bout something a little sexy?” I suggest, my wink getting another sly smile from her.
“What did you have in mind?”
“Nothing I can say on air without being beeped.”
“Ah. You are bad,” she giggles, her chair spinning to face me.
“You have no idea,” I drawl, leaning back in my chair, my eyes locked on her.
Sebastian kicks me hard in the shin and I ignore him. They wanted a flirt, they’re going to get one.
“Back to the sexy...song. I think I have something you’re going to love. Boys?” I turn to them and mouth the title.
We hop off our seats and get into position, giving Felicia a nod to let her know we’re ready.
“Ladies and gentleman…the Rock Chamber Boys, coming to you live from the studio,” Felicia announces.
There’s a short pause as we take a long, deep breath, then Sebastian starts with a soft, crescendo beat. Dum dum dum dum, dum dum dum dum. Jez joins in, his cello’s low, pit of the stomach bass filling my ears, setting the mood. I count myself in, three, three, one, and then my violin soars into the opening to Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game.” I can’t help but hum along. Da da da daaaa, da da da da da daaaaa. Not for the first time it amazes me how different combinations of notes and pauses can have such varying effects on your mood.
The song is mysterious, sexy.
Just like her.
I force myself to keep my eyes closed. I don’t want to look through the studio window to see what effect my music is having on Emily. Because it would kill me if it had no effect at all.
At least give me that. At least let my music speak to her if my words can’t.
Chapter Thirteen
Emily
Present Day
I can’t breathe.
I look around to see if everyone is having the same problem. Hailey’s standing next to me and Cadence is pressed against the glass, her eyes fixed on her fiancé. But they seem fine.
So, it’s just me. It’s just me, struggling for breath as I stand here, the music catching me spellbound.
This song, this dark and sexy brooding song that gets me in the gut every time. If he wanted to get to me, he chose the perfect song. But of course he would. He knows me.
I close my eyes and I see darkness and red lips and bare skin and hot hands and sweat droplets falling.
And I see the scene switching, and I see them, him and...and that radio host, writhing against each other to the rhythm of the song.
And I can’t br
eathe again.
It’s been hellish watching him flirt and tease her the last fifteen minutes, but this, this...dirty lust letter to her is what really hurts. This is how Brad communicates, how he’s always communicated. Through his violin. And right now, he’s communicating how he wants to fuck her.
He always was a good performer. And he’s only grown into a confident, stage-commanding presence.
It’s no wonder the women want him.
I want him.
What is wrong with me? Did I really think I was going to be able to spend all this time close to him and not have the past come crashing back? That old wounds would not rise to the surface?
“Emily, are you okay?” Hailey’s hand on my arm jolts me out of my thoughts.
“Oh, um, yeah, I’m fine.” I nod.
“You were just breathing a little heavy.”
“It’s a little hot in here, that’s all. I’m just going to go out and grab some air,” I tell her, patting her hand to reassure her.
“Do you want me to come?” Her genuine concern is touching, and I almost wish I could talk to her. But of course, I can’t.
“No, but thanks. You stay and enjoy the rest of the interview.”
I push the door out to the parking lot. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have done this. I thought I could be near him, that I had moved on, but I haven’t. And now I’m stuck for the next six weeks, traveling 24/7 with the man who broke my heart beyond repair.
***
“Feeling any better?” Cadence asks me when I return inside.
“Yeah, just needed some air. What’s going on now?” I look around and see everyone scattered, packing up the equipment and standing around talking.
“We’re about ready to go. Any idea on what you want to do tonight?” Hailey says, her eyes hopeful.
“You know what? I want to have some fun,” I tell them. And I mean it. I need to blast the dark cloud away.
“Whoot!” Hailey punches the air and winks at me. “That’s my kinda girl!”
Cadence slings her bag over her shoulder and takes my hand. “We’re thinking of going to a bar and grill just across the street. They have some great live entertainment.”