by Daisy Allen
And right now, I’d do anything to make them smile.
It’s been almost a week now since the visit from the police, and everyone is still on edge.
I know Emily spoke to Silas, but she won’t share much other than she says he denied calling the police and that he keeps offering her a job.
As far as I know there’s been no contact since. And I’m not sure if that silence is more worrying or comforting to her. I just know that at night, when she’s fallen asleep and I’m still holding her, her murmurs echo her nightmares.
I don’t know how to help her right now. But when I do, there’ll be no stopping me.
***
“Good news or bad news?” Dennis says as soon as he walks into the hotel suite.
We all groan at the familiar question.
After so many weeks on the road cooped up in our buses, getting in each other’s hair and incessant nagging, Dennis surprised us for our stay in Liverpool at the Hard Day’s Night Hotel. Who knows, maybe he’s hoping the spirit of the Beatles will cheer us up.
“Just tell us, D. Have pity on our poor souls,” Marius begs on behalf of all of us.
“Poor, my ass. But yes, I’m in a good mood today, so let me tell you this—there is no bad news.”
“Woot!”
“And the really good news is, you guys have been asked to headline at the RockFever Fest next month.”
“NO FUCKING WAY!”
“What happened to Coldplay?”
“Don’t know, don’t care. Their misfortune is our…well, let’s put it this way, our very sizably increased fortune. Big wads of rolling around naked fuck me fortune…”
“Aww Dennis, you’re just a softy in that heart of yours, aren’t ya?” Marius pats him on the chest. “Wait...where…” He moves his hand over the front of Dennis’s jacket, patting his chest and over his stomach. “Where…where’s your heart?”
“My heartlessness equals your paycheck, so feel away, cheese-dick.”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe it. That’s two hundred thousand people. Have we ever played a bigger crowd?” Sebastian asks.
“Well, Glastonbury was about a hundred and thirty thousand, but we weren’t headlining,” Jez points out.
“Fuck,” I can’t help exhaling. The enormity of it dawns on us.
“Yeah, fuck,” Sebastian repeats. “Dennis, you did good.”
“No, and listen up, twiddle-dicks, because I’m not going to say this again. You earned it. What you’ve been doing the last few weeks? It’s getting noticed. How you behave, how consistent your shows have been, the absolutely amazing album. This is just the culmination of all that.” He reaches out and pats me on the shoulder. And I want to say, with a look of pride in his eyes. “Just don’t…”
“We know…” We all chime in, “FUCK IT UP!”
***
“So, the word on the street is that now Coldplay’s pulled out—you guys are taking over,” Sammy, the radio talk show hosts asks us at our breakfast radio interview the next day.
“Ooh, where did you hear that?” Jez asks.
“It’s not true?”
“We’re not saying that, we’re just wondering where you heard it,” Jez fires back, winking.
“So, it is true,” Sammy presses.
“We’re not saying that either, but it sure sounds like a good idea to us…if the powers that control that sort of thing are listening,” Sebastian replies.
“Ha-ha, tell us, is it true? Because I might just have a reason to come along!”
“Come along anyway, and if it’s not us, we can boo them together!” Marius suggests, causing Sammy to burst into laughter.
“It’s going to be huge is all I can say. If there’s anyone who’s been living under a rock and haven’t heard of you yet, they will after this concert, no doubt.”
“Haven’t heard of us! For shame! We don’t wear all this makeup just for ourselves you know,” Jez insists.
“Yeah, we wear it for each other!” Sebastian finishes.
“Come on guys, really, you can’t give us a tiny hint?”
“We do nothing tiny my dear,” I finally speak up.
“Fine. You heard it here first. The Rock Chamber Boys may or may not be headlining the first ever RockFever Fest. I know. Breaking news.”
***
“Damn, how’d she hear so fast? Someone’s got loose lips that’s for sure,” Jez wonders as we leave the radio station.
“Hey, I’m Princess Loose Lips to you,” Hailey pipes up, and gives us all a knowing wink.
“I knew it,” Marius says, clapping his hands.
“Wha?” Hailey replies, giving us an innocent shrug.
“Your dad said don’t say anything,” Sebastian accuses her.
“Yeah, to you. He said the opposite to me. Anyway, it’s important to get your name out there, cementing you guys for the gig. I heard everyone is clamoring for it and there’s a huge list of bands just waiting to take over.”
“No kidding, like who?”
“Arctic Monkeys, Angus and Julia Stone, The String Flingers,” she rattles off.
“Whoa whoa, who? You’re kidding right? The String Flingers?” I ask her.
“Nope, not kidding. I heard they were in the running.”
“Good God why?” Jez sneers, totally unimpressed.
“Well, they got a lot of exposure when they played before you guys at Snow Fest and frankly, they’re cheap. They’d pretty much play for free, just for the publicity. And well—festivals aren’t cheap to run,” she explains.
“Ugh, I could fart into a microphone and sound better than those hacks,” I say, causing Marius to snort his herbal tea.
“Well, save it for the comeback tour, okay?” he says once he recovers. Grabbing onto my arm, he holds me back while the other guys keep walking. “Dude, you okay? I don’t usually see you so worked up.”
“Just. You know, Silas,” I say, the S’s in his name coming out just like I thought they would, like a snake in the grass.
“What’s going on with that?”
“I don’t know. I just… Man, I don’t know, I don’t know how to help her,” I tell him, feeling completely helpless.
“Just be there for her. I know what it’s like to feel helpless. But it’s not about you, it’s about her,” Marius says, a rare sensitive side showing.
“But I love her. I can’t just stand here and do nothing.”
“That’s why you gotta put your shit aside and do what needs to be done for her peace of mind.”
I smile at him, grateful. I know how hard it is for him to refrain from making jokes. “Thanks. You’re the best girlfriend a guy could ever have.”
“You’re welcome. Want to see my boobs now?”
“No thanks, we see enough of those on our album cover.”
“Hey, whatever gets us the sales, dude.”
***
I know Marius is right. I know I just need to not worry about what it all means for me, and worry about what I can do for her. For her and Ben.
I just don’t know what that is. I’ve never had to make decisions based on someone else before. In fact, I’ve never really had to make any decisions for my life at all. I’ve been sheltered in my life with the band. It’s always been about the music and the music first. Everything else came after.
Except for each other.
And I guess this is no different.
I knock on the adjoining room door to Emily’s room. There’s no answer and I knock again.
“Butter? Are you in there?”
I press my ear against the door. There’s a sound coming from inside but again, no answer.
“Emily! Are you okay? I can hear you in there. Open the door.”
There’s a pause, and then I hear soft footsteps.
She throws open the door and the look on her face makes my stomach sink.
She’s pale and her eyes are brimming with tears. She’s holding papers in her hands that shake as she steps aside, letting m
e walk past her and into the room.
“Baby, what’s wrong?”
“He…He…” She stares at me, unable to get the words out.
“He...what? Who?” I ask, trying to help her form words.
“Si-Silas.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” I don’t know what’s coming next, but it can’t be good.
“He’s suing me for custody of Ben.” She looks at me, her eyes red with tears, frantic, as she tries to process what’s happening.
“NO!”
“He…” She holds out the papers to me. “I’ve talked to my lawyer and…and she says he’s citing neglect. That I’ve been neglecting my child and he wants …wants custody of him. To take care of him. Because he says, he says…I’m a bad mother!” she repeats as if unable to comprehend it.
Pulling her into my arms, I hold her as she erupts into sobs. Her body shaking against me, every bone, every muscle, vibrating with her despair. I banish the hate rising up in me to deal with later as I try to comfort her as much as possible.
“He’s…he’s got no chance, angel. He’s just grasping at straws,” I say, squeezing her tight, trying to protect her in the circle of my arms.
“My lawyer said…they said…he cited Ben’s broken arm, and then taking him on this tour…and then losing him at the concert and then leaving the next day without him to Northville. They say that’s just in the last few months, and it’s all documented,” she says through her tears, her voice breaking as she relates back the list.
“None of that is your fault! And none of it proves you’re a bad mother or neglect him!”
“His arm is broken in three places, Brad!”
“I know, angel, and you know what? I broke my legs twice before I was ten. No one called my parents bad parents. Kids have accidents! And this tour? What’s so bad about that? Kids go on vacation all the time. You’ve seen us, we enjoy a drink now and then, but we’re not drug-addled fiends. And he wasn’t lost. We would’ve found him. He was right there. Maybe if Silas hadn’t taken him away. And as for Northville, we were barely gone ten hours.”
“But…” Her voice cracks before she can say anything more.
“He’s got nothing, angel.”
“He does. He’ll find something. You don’t know him.” She pulls away from me, her eyes darting back and forth as she if she’s trying to follow the thoughts flooding her brain. ”You don’t know me.”
She sinks onto the bed, her head falling into her hands.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I’m not perfect, Brad. Don’t make me out to be.”
“I’m not. But you’re not a bad mother. You’re a wonderful mother and you’ve got a shitload of people who are going to swear to that if it comes to it.”
“But…I’ve made mistakes…like you said, I fucked up.”
“We’re over that now. It’s over.”
“No, Brad. I mean…I fucked up big.”
Her hands shaking on the bed cover gives away just how scared she is. She’s hiding something. Or, trying to tell me something. I go and sit down next to her.
“What is it, what happened?”
“I didn’t…I didn’t mean to…it was an accident.”
“You need to tell me, what are you talking about?”
“They… they’ve taken him away before.”
I try to hide my shock by rubbing my hand over her shoulder, letting her know it’s safe to share. “What do you mean?”
“I…I forgot to pick him up once…from daycare.”
“Okay.”
“I…you don’t understand, after I had him, things were hard for me. I was a single mother, and my mom wasn’t really around much. I was all alone.”
She wrings her hands and I look at them. They’re almost raw from being rubbed.
“I… I really struggled for a long time, Brad. I tried, I really did. But I…it was just so hard.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“I stopped off at the bar one night after work and…and I wouldn’t leave. They…they tried to get me to leave, but I didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to see me that way.”
“What way, babe?”
“Drunk! I didn’t want him to see me drunk. I love him so much, but sometimes it was just too much. I didn’t know until I got some help that I had quite severe postpartum depression.”
“Oh babe. No wonder.”
“Anyway, I…I wouldn’t leave the bar, and they threw me out. And I guess…I guess I just fell asleep in an alley somewhere…and forgot to pick up my baby. I forgot to pick up my Ben! Brad. I forgot him.” The words come tumbling out, followed by sobs that break my heart. How could she have held onto all that without breaking apart, I can’t imagine. No wonder she’s so afraid.
Suddenly she stands up, pacing around the room again, mumbling to herself. “I can’t…fuck, this can’t be happening. I can’t lose him.”
“You won’t.”
“You don’t know that!” she screams, her hands grabbing her hair, her face. “All this…all this. It wouldn’t have happened if...”
“What, Emily?”
“It wouldn’t have happened…if I...It wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t on this tour…if …if we...”
“Don’t say it, Emily,” I tell her softly, but firm.
“I’m sorry, but it’s true.” She stops in her tracks, staring at me.
“No.”
“It wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t run into each other.”
“It’s not why this is happening, Butter.”
“It is, don’t you see, Brad?! We lived a quiet, safe life. Silas was barely a part of it. But now…he’s…he’s trying to compete with you. And he doesn’t like to lose.”
“Then we’ll beat him.”
“We can’t. We can’t, Brad. He’s going to take Ben away. He’s going to find out what happened, and he’s going to take him away. He’s his father.” Her nods anchor each sentence, as if the facts bury themselves in her fear, growing by the second.
“And you’re his mother, and you love him. And I love him. And I…I will protect the both of you. I can do that.” I try to reach for her again, hoping my touch will help ground her, reassure her, but she pushes me away.
“This is wrong…this is all wrong!” Her head shakes side to side, her hair wild around her face.
“Emily.”
“I just…I need some time, Brad.”
“I can’t leave you like this!”
She takes a deep breath, and a strange calmness comes over her. She looks at me through darkened eyes, but her voice is calm “I’m okay. I’m okay. I just need to think. Please. Please, Brad. I just need some space.”
While I can’t fathom leaving her right now, her eyes beg me for time alone.
I wonder if part of loving someone is knowing when they need you, and when they don’t.
“I love you, Emily. That’s all you’ll ever need to know. That and I’ll never leave you. Everything else doesn’t matter. We will make it work,” I tell her, taking her into my arms. She doesn’t push me away, and for a moment, I let myself believe it’s not going to get worse than this.
“Do you really think it’s that simple?” she whispers against my chest.
“I know it when I’m with you.”
She doesn’t say anything, just presses her hand against my cheek, then walks away.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Emily
When I told Silas I was pregnant, he said four words that have stuck with me ever since.
“Do what you want.”
He didn’t tell me to get rid of my baby, and he didn’t beg me to keep it. He just didn’t care.
It was months after Ben was born before he contacted me, even though I’d sent him photos and updates. I wanted my son not to miss out on anything that a boy born into a family with both his parents would have. After the tenth, fifteenth email I gave up. Six months later, he showed up on my doorstep with a toy and
a shit-eating grin. He was in town traveling with his band and, in his words, thought he might as well drop in.
I didn’t want to deny him what I felt was his right as Ben’s father. So I let him in and that has pretty much been the arrangement since then. Him popping in and out whenever he feels it’s convenient for him. Always with a toy and always with promises he never keeps. And it’s worked for all of us. Ben, happy to see his father when he is around, but never really missing him when he’s not.
As for me, I’d rather a life without Silas in it, but if he never wanted more from us, from Ben, from me, then I wasn’t going to make a big thing out of it.
And I don’t think that I was wrong when I said that all this, all this posturing, all these demands, this sudden change of heart when it comes to Ben, is nothing but a pissing contest with Brad. Brad, who has always been a thorn in his side.
But whatever the reason, the threat is real, and I refuse to have any threats in my son’s life.
“Why are you here?” Silas asks me again.
“Because I want to sort this out once and for all.”
“What’s there to sort out? I want to make sure my son is safe. And you don’t seem to share the same concerns.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it, Silas.”
“No. You putting up a fight is bullshit. You see what I’ve cited as reason for belief that you’re neglecting him. And I’ll find more, you know I will. That’s why you’re so scared.”
“I’m not scared. I’m angry. You have no right. A father cares for his child. You have five years of proving you don’t care.”
“Not as the courts will see it. I believe they’ll see it as me trying to keep in contact with my son, and his mother making sure I don’t.”
“You don’t have proof,” I throw at him.
“You forget who I am. Who I can get to work for me, who I can get to swear up and down that I’m a good father.” There’s not a ripple of doubt on his face, and I almost think that he believes it.
“But why Silas, why now?”
“I told you why.”
“It’s not because of Ben.”
“Of course it is. He’s my son.”
“He’s been your son for almost six years.”