by Len Webster
“Evan?” she mumbled as she tilted her head back. The moonlight that crept through the break in the window shades gave him enough light to see the love in her green eyes.
“It’s me,” he whispered, smiling down at her.
She set her hand on his hip. “You’re not supposed to be home until Wednesday.”
His palms rubbed her lower back. “I missed you too much.”
AJ hummed as he rolled onto his back, pressing her cheek to his chest. She snuggled against him and let out a contented sigh. “Welcome home.”
Evan closed his eyes and let out his own contented sigh, loving how perfect his girlfriend felt in his arms. “My home will always be you and Little Atom.”
97 Bk
berkelium
ALEX
Six months before Alex’s Boston return
Alex: I am so sorry I missed dinner. I’m so, so, so sorry, Evan. I know I promised I’d actually be home in time to sit and have dinner with you, but I lost track of time. I swear, I’ll be home early tomorrow. I’m on my way to the apartment now. I just picked up three cakes from that store you like for every hour I’m late. I’m so sorry, Evan. I’ll be there soon. I love you.
“Merci vilmal,” Alex thanked her elderly neighbor who held the elevator for her.
“Ah, very good, Alexandra. And you’re very welcome. Sächzä?” he asked as his finger hovered over the panel. No doubt seeing her struggle with the boxed cakes in her hands.
“Sächzä.” Sixteen.
When the elevators closed, he said, “Your Swiss German is getting better. Soon we’ll be talking in sentences. How is your Früünd?” Boyfriend.
Alex smiled. “Evan is good. I bought home some of his favorite cakes because I’m late coming home.”
“Long day at the institute?”
She nodded. “Too many long days. Hopefully, once I finish this small formula that will help break down the bigger component of my actual formula, I can come home on time.”
The elevator came to a stop at Mr. Impfeld’s floor. “I’m sure he doesn’t mind.”
I hope not.
But Alex hadn’t voiced that out loud. Ever since Brandon’s birthday party last week, Evan had been acting strange. When they had come home from the party, they had made love, and it was amazing. The next morning, as she was getting ready for work, she saw the guilt in his eyes. Guilt that she didn’t quite understand. Maybe it was because he had caused her to arrive later at the institute than she had originally planned. However, waking up in her boyfriend’s arms was perfect and worth being late. But throughout the week, Evan didn’t seem like himself. And it didn’t help that she saw him late or not at all when she came home from spending all day working on her equation.
“You two have a good night. Bis spöter, Alexandra,” Mr. Impfeld said.
“Bis spöter, Mr. Impfeld.” See you later.
Then the doors closed, and the elevator resumed its journey to her floor. Alex hadn’t heard from Evan all day, and she knew he must be mad at her. They had been in Zürich for over the intended year, and she knew he wanted to go home. He had bit his tongue and stayed longer in Switzerland without a single argument. That was why she had turned down Dr. Rodahawe’s offer for three more years of employment. She wouldn’t be a research assistant. She’d be a researcher working on her own research. It would have been the first step toward her own discoveries and dreams of being published in journals. But she had turned it down because she loved Evan Gilmore more than her career.
She had the experience of working with the finest physicist and mentor, but it was time she returned to the States. It was time to support Evan’s dreams and follow her initial desires of MIT. The elevator came to a stop, waking Alex from her wandering thoughts. She hated the look of disappointment on Dr. Rodahawe’s face when she turned down the offer, but she hated coming home to see the hurt on Evan’s face more. To feel his pain. She couldn’t take it anymore. They needed to go home.
Alex exited the elevator and made her way down the hall and to her apartment. She pulled her keys out of her jacket pocket and juggled the boxed cakes with one hand. Once she unlocked the door, she pulled the key out and stepped into her apartment, kicking the door shut behind her.
Alex’s brows furrowed as she took in her dark apartment. She headed down the hall and made her way into the kitchen. Carefully, she set the boxed cakes and keys on the counter. Then she headed over to the light switch and flicked it on, causing the kitchen to illuminate. Shoving her hands into her jacket pockets, she realized he must have fallen asleep and headed to their bedroom. Alex saw light coming from the open bedroom door. She stepped in the room to find her boyfriend sitting on their bed, staring at his hands.
“Evan,” she said, worried and unable to see his face.
He didn’t say anything.
Alex stepped closer until she was able to get on her knees in front of him. She looked up at him. “I’m so sorry I’m late. I didn’t mean to be so late.”
Evan sighed as he lifted his chin and stared at her. His heartbroken eyes searched her face, trying to find answers to questions she had no idea he had. “AJ …”
It was the way he said her name.
The pain in his voice.
She suddenly felt sick as her eyes stung with tears. “I’m sorry, Evan.”
He reached up and covered her cheek with his palm. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she whispered as she wrapped her fingers around his wrist, wanting to hold him to her.
“And I’m so proud of you.” His thumb gently brushed her cheek. “I’ve tried, AJ. All week, I’ve tried.”
“Tried what? Talk to me,” she begged.
Her boyfriend sighed. “I can’t let you do it.”
Confused, her brows met. “Do what? Evan, you’re not making sense.”
“AJ, I can’t let you say no to three more years at the institute,” he explained.
Her heart stopped as her lips parted. “You …”
He nodded. Pride and sadness gleamed his light brown eyes. The perfect backdrop for his heartbreak.
Heartbreak she was now understanding.
“Evan, whatever you’re thinking—”
He stopped her as he cradled her cheeks, holding her in place. “Do you love working with Dr. Rodahawe?”
“You know I do, Evan,” she answered in a small, truthful voice.
“And do you want to be a physicist?”
Her throat tightened at his question. He knew the answer. They both knew the answer. Everyone knew the answer. “It’s my biggest dream.” Her thumb brushed against the pulse on his wrist.
Evan pressed his lips together and nodded. “You belong here, Alexandra.”
“Evan.”
“I don’t belong here,” he stated. His voice strong with conviction.
Her eyelids fluttered. “You’re unhappy. I’m so sorry I’ve made you unhappy.”
Shaking his head, he pressed his forehead to hers. “Unhappy is the last thing you make me, Alexandra. I make you unhappy.” He pulled back. His eyes firmly on hers. “You come home, and I see the guilt in your eyes because of me. Because you hate disappointing me. You only disappoint me when I hurt you. And I hurt you by holding you back. By making you turn away from opportunities your career needs.”
“You do no such thing,” she cried.
He brushed away the tears that stained her cheeks. “I do. I hurt you by preventing you from achieving your dreams.”
“Evan, please stop. That’s not it. I should have told you about Dr. Rodahawe’s offer, but I don’t want it. We both agreed we’d go home after my formula. I’m close. I’m so close and then—”
“I know you want to stay. You have so much to achieve here, and I can’t hold you back. I can’t let you hurt your future.”
She shook her h
ead. “You’re my future, Evan.”
A small smile curved at his lips. “And I’ll be waiting for you in Massachusetts.”
Alex clenched her eyes shut. She knew what he was doing. What he was giving her. Three years at the Rodahawe Institute could change her life. She could discover her own theory. Alex could get published. But an opportunity like the one Dr. Rodahawe presented her came with consequences.
And Alex knew the moment he offered it to her that she could lose Evan. As she had suspected, he wanted her to stay and he would leave. That was why she said no. Because she didn’t want Evan to ever think he didn’t matter.
She chose Evan.
And he was choosing her career.
A promise he had made to her a long time ago.
He wasn’t letting her give up on her dreams, but he was breaking her heart.
“You’re on the cusp of greatness, Alexandra. I know it. You’ve sacrificed enough for me. You have. I couldn’t live with myself if you went back to Massachusetts. Stay here and continue to make me proud.”
A sob escaped her. He was saying goodbye to her. She knew it. “Don’t say goodbye to me. Don’t. Please don’t. Just give me a month. I’ll finish the formula, and we’ll go home. Together.”
“It’s not that easy, Alexandra. You and I both know you need more than a month. You need these three years. This is your love and your career. You can have both here in Zürich. You can have both.”
Alex pulled away from his touch. “No, I won’t. Not if you leave.”
He grasped her hands in his. “Just for a little while.”
She didn’t believe him. “We were supposed to go home. We were supposed to live your dreams next, Evan.”
“And we will. My dreams are for you to achieve everything you ever wanted to in physics. Please, stay. Stay here and make me so proud of you. This, you working toward your dream with the best physicists in the world, is my dream. Let me stop hurting you.”
“You can’t stop if you leave.”
Evan squeezed her hands. “I would hurt you more if you didn’t take this opportunity. I’m not saying goodbye, AJ. I’ll be waiting for you when you’re finished achieving everything you wanted here. I won’t stop loving you. I’ll just stop holding you back. Three years. Let me give you these three years.”
Three years.
Three years to make my mark in physics.
Three years away from him.
Alex stood, pulled her hands from Evan’s, and then straddled his lap. She captured his jaw in her palms as he held her hips. “Three years?” she whispered.
He nodded. “Three years.”
God, it hurt to see the love in his eyes, knowing they were essentially saying goodbye.
“And you’ll continue to love me?”
“I will.”
Her heart clenched at his vow. “And what if I meet someone here? What if—”
“You love him?” Evan asked as tears slowly dragged down his cheeks.
“Yes,” Alex answered. “What if he supports me and loves me?”
Evan squeezed her waist. “Then I’ll make sure he’s good enough for you.”
He was doing it again.
Choosing what he thought she wanted over what she actually needed.
Alex leaned forward, her lips close to his. “Would you let me have him?”
“Yes,” he whispered.
She loved him.
So much that there would never be another man for her.
There was no denying she wanted to stay, but she also wanted Evan to as well. But she knew he wouldn’t. He was so stubborn. So headstrong about fulfilling promises he made her.
Alex stared at him through her lashes. “What if he’s you, Evan Gilmore?”
Evan wrapped his arms around her back and pulled her close to his body, causing a small gasp to pass her lips. “I’m yours forever, Alexandra. Always. And I’ll give you my word. I love you by supporting your dreams. That’s how I love you. Stay here. Then, when you’re finished and you’re ready to come home, I’ll be waiting for you.”
She believed his promise. Believed it as much as it hurt her. “Will you fall in love with someone else?”
“No,” he answered without a hint of hesitation. “I’ll be too busy still being helplessly in love with you.”
“I have one request,” she said.
He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Anything.”
“Don’t leave me in the middle of the night. Let me go to the airport with you. But don’t you dare leave me without saying goodbye,” she cried as her tears returned.
Evan reached up and wiped her tears away. “I promised I would never say goodbye. I won’t leave without seeing you. I promise, I’ll hold you all night.”
Her heart found a small ounce of relief from her pain.
All night.
They had one night left. And come morning, he would leave her. So she would cherish him. All night, she would.
“Don’t say goodbye,” she repeated. “Instead, make love to me.”
She wanted him to mask his goodbye with his love.
His lips softly found hers, and she tasted his sadness and her heartbreak.
“I love you, AJ,” he mumbled as she moved her hands into his hair, holding him tight. Refusing to let him go. Not now. Not ever. Her heart, body, and soul refused.
“I love you,” she panted as she pushed him onto his back.
Evan’s chest heaved. “Eight protons—”
She pressed her fingers to his lips, silencing him. “At the airport, if you still love me fiercely and truly after tonight, finish that declaration then.”
His lip twitched against her finger. Then he grasped her wrist and moved her hand from his face. “I promise,” he murmured before his lips founds hers, kissing her.
Cherishing her.
Loving her …
All night.
Until the following morning when Evan Gilmore broke her heart.
Woke her with a kiss.
And told her to stay in bed.
He broke his promise as he slipped out the door, never finishing the declaration he vowed to say to her.
He never said he loved her as he left.
Utterly destroying her.
Three months before Alex’s Boston return
It had been three months since Evan left her.
It hadn’t taken long for everyone at the institute to realize what happened.
Alex threw herself into her research. There was no point in rushing home since he wasn’t there anymore. Some days, she couldn’t even bring herself to sleep in the bed they had shared for over a year. Plagued with heartbreak and her newfound anger, she slept on the couch or even in the break room at the institute when she didn’t want to leave.
She missed him.
She still loved him.
He had messaged her when he had landed back in Boston.
He had messaged her for her birthday.
He had called her several times, but Alex never answered.
Evan Gilmore left her that morning without the reassurance of his love as he had promised. He didn’t wake her properly so she could accompany him to the airport. He knew she would have fought him. She wouldn’t have let him get on that plane.
Supporting her dreams meant breaking her heart.
She understood his choices, but they weren’t the choices she wanted him to make.
A few months after he returned to the US, her mother told her that he was moving on with his life and that had only broken her heart more. That belief that he would wait for her was tarnished.
In theory, Alex should have moved on, but she couldn’t.
Evan Gilmore was her forever.
But forever wasn’t today.
Or tomorrow.
Forever seemed forever away.
As if it would never be a reality.
“So how did I do?” Brandon, one of Dr. Rodahawe’s researchers, asked.
Alex smiled as she handed him the bottle of water. Brandon had just finished his introduction to classical mechanics and quantum physics speech at Oxford University. Alex was surprised when Dr. Rodahawe had invited her to attend the seminar in England. It had always been a dream of hers to visit some of the best universities in the world. And truthfully, she needed the week away from Zürich, the lab, and her empty apartment. England allowed her to pretend she wasn’t walking around with a broken heart.
“You were amazing, Brandon. You got the crowd so engaged.”
Brandon grinned as he uncapped the bottle. “After the break, Vincent will take over. Trust me, if you thought the crowd was engaged before? Get ready to be blown away.”
Alex laughed. “Oh, I’m ready.”
A throat cleared behind her, and she spun around to find Lynette Earman, an Oxford physics professor and their guide, with a smile on her face. “Well done, Brandon. You made us very proud.”
“Thank you, Professor Earman.”
“Alex, there’s a gentleman here who would like to see you. Asked for you personally,” the professor informed. “Please follow me.”
“Umm, sure,” she said and then glanced over at Brandon. “I’ll be back. If Dr. Rodahawe needs me, tell him I won’t be long.”
“All right,” Brandon said.
Then Alex followed Professor Earman through the mass of people who were making their way to Brandon to ask him questions and out of the lecture hall. Once out, the professor pointed at the man sitting on the stone bench.
Alex froze, realizing who it was.
“I’ll give you some privacy,” Lynette said before she retreated into the building.
Alex made her way toward him as he stared out at the campus. “Landon?”