by Len Webster
He tilted his head at her and smiled. Years had passed since she last saw him at Duke, but he still smiled so flawlessly. “Massachusetts,” he breathed with adoration in his voice.
Unable to help herself, she walked over to him and hugged him the moment he stood. As her college ex-boyfriend wrapped his arms around her, she inhaled his familiar, clean smell. Then she pulled away, shaking her head in disbelief.
“What are you doing here at Oxford?”
His blue eyes gleamed at her. “I got called up for the national team in a friendly game against Serbia. So I’m here for some press and PR before I fly out to Belgrade.”
“And you knew I was here?”
“I keep tabs. I heard Dr. Rodahawe would be in Oxford, and I thought maybe you would have joined him since you were his research assistant,” Landon explained.
“Alexandra!” she heard Dr. Rodahawe call out.
She glanced over her shoulder to find her mentor waving at her. “I’ll be there in two seconds,” she yelled. Then she returned her focus to Landon. “I’m sorry. I have to go. Work.”
He nodded. “Okay. But do you think I can see you while you’re here in the UK? How about dinner?”
Her eyes widened in shock that he had just asked her out. Alex’s lips parted, breath escaping her and causing her lungs to squeeze as hard as her heart had.
“Sure,” she found herself saying. Her heart halted as if it had ceased to beat. Ceased to continue.
Evan.
They weren’t together anymore.
He left her.
But she still felt guilty.
“I’m staying at the Malmaison Oxford Castle. Just ask for me at the front desk at seven.”
Landon grinned, his eyes twinkling with hope she hated to see. But she couldn’t help herself. Maybe because she knew Landon and knew she felt no love. That she just needed someone outside of the institute to talk to.
Her ex-boyfriend leaned down and pressed his lips to her cheek, causing her skin to heat at the contact. Then he pulled back, the hope never leaving his eyes. “I’ll see you tonight.”
Alex nodded and spun around, needing space away from him and the terrible decision she just made. When she reached Dr. Rodahawe, who was staring at Landon behind her, he let out a displeased sound and looked at her.
“Ex-boyfriend of yours?”
“Yeah,” she said and pressed her lips into a tight line. “The very ex-boyfriend who broke my heart and inspired me to apply to be your research assistant. He’s also the ex-boyfriend who broke up with me and put me back on Evan’s path. So yeah, he’s an ex-boyfriend.” She reached up and wiped her tears away that fell at the mention of Evan. “But he’s not an ex-boyfriend I want or am still in love with.”
Dr. Rodahawe slung an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to his side. “If it makes you feel better, you can take the stage for me.”
Alex laughed. “No, Dr. Rodahawe. No, that wouldn’t make me feel better. But it definitely made me laugh.”
“And I have missed your laughter, Alexandra. It’s nice to hear it again.”
It was strange, but Alex thought so, too.
Maybe tonight won’t be so bad.
It’s not cheating.
Alex replayed those three words as she got ready for her dinner with her ex-boyfriend, Landon Carmichael.
She wasn’t in the wrong.
Evan had ended them three months ago.
It wasn’t even an official date. It was two people catching up. Two former lovers who would sit opposite each other. So why had she put so much effort in her appearance?
Alex let out a sigh as she stepped out of the elevator. She should have canceled, but she didn’t have Landon’s new number. Just as she was about to make her way toward reception, her phone vibrated in her purse and caused her to stop and retrieve it. When she glanced at her screen, she unlocked it to find her best friend had messaged her back.
Savannah: Alex, it’s not cheating. Evan broke up with you three months ago. He left without a proper goodbye. I’m not Landon’s biggest fan, and I will never forget how rough he was with you at that party during sophomore year, but maybe he’s right. I hate that I just said that. But maybe you two both being in England is a sign? You don’t have to do anything. You don’t owe him anything. It’s just dinner.
Alex: You’re right. It’s just dinner. That I completely dressed up for. God, I’m such an idiot.
Savannah: Breathe, Alex. It’s okay to want to be seen as beautiful by a member of the opposite sex.
Alex: Savannah, I need you to know that I’m still so in love with Evan, and I feel terrible right now.
Savannah: You’re going to catch up with an old friend. But you don’t have to go. And I know you still love Evan. I don’t think you’ll ever stop loving him. He’s your one. And sometimes you can’t ever forget the one. Good luck tonight. Remember, you don’t owe Landon Carmichael anything.
Alex: Thanks, Sav. I really needed that. I’ll Skype you later tonight. I love and miss you.
Savannah: Okay. I want to know everything. And I love and miss you, too, Alex.
Satisfied with the advice given to her by her best friend, Alex locked her phone and shoved it back inside her purse. She inhaled a deep breath to calm her nerves and then proceeded toward reception, ready to have dinner with Landon Carmichael.
Once she stopped at reception, she found him waiting for her. Her thoughts of a casual dinner between them were thrown quickly out the window. Landon had dressed up, too, in a white dress shirt free of wrinkles and a light blue tie. His black slacks appeared tailored, and his leather shoes had a shine to them.
She smiled at his effort as she stood in front of him. “Hey,” she greeted.
“Wow,” Landon breathed. “You look beautiful, Alex.”
Hardly, but her heart fluttered at his compliment. The dark red dress that hugged her body had been a last-minute addition in her suitcase. She hadn’t even thought about going out on a date. She just assumed there might be a time when she’d have to dress up for an occasion with Dr. Rodahawe. Never in her wildest dreams did she ever think she’d see Landon again.
Not in the US and definitely not in the UK.
“Thank you,” she said, hating that she could feel her warm cheeks. “I like your tie.”
He glanced down at the tie and then grinned at her. “Duke blue.”
“Of course,” she said with humor in her voice.
“So you wanna get out of here? I got us a reservation at a Mediterranean restaurant not too far away. I remember Mediterranean was always one of your favorites.”
Alex nodded, ignoring the annoying flutter in her chest. They were old memories, and they meant nothing. They couldn’t. “Sure, let’s go.”
“Won’t be long,” their waiter said as he took the menu from Landon after he had ordered. Alex had opted for the seafood pasta, hoping it was as good as the pasta she was used to having in North Carolina. It surprised her that after all these years, Landon still remembered that she loved Mediterranean food.
The restaurant they were sitting at had been awarded a Michelin star. She wondered if her mother knew the chef. Alex’s mother was known throughout the industry, and Alex often wondered if they knew she was the daughter of one of the finest dessert chefs in the world. But she doubted it. The ambiance of the Anatolia was stunning. It wasn’t bright. The lights were dim and gave that intimate and romantic feel. No doubt this restaurant had hosted many dates and anniversaries.
“You’re quiet,” Landon noted as he set his hands on the table, staring at her.
Alex produced a tight smile. “I’ve had a long day of seminars at Oxford. And will have another long day tomorrow.”
“But you like it, right?”
“I do,” she said with an honest smile. “I love my job. My job took me to Eng
land, so I can’t complain.”
Landon leaned closer to her. “Then why do you look sad?”
She flinched. “Sad?”
He nodded. “I know you, Alex. I know when you’re upset. You try to hide it, but there’s always a glint in your eyes you can’t hide behind.”
Her heart sank.
She did feel sad.
She had everything, yet she still had that horrible pressure in her chest. The same pressure that had found its roots in her heart since Evan left.
Alex exhaled a heavy breath. “You seem to always come back in my life when I’m at my lowest.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Why?”
Landon’s lips parted as he stared at her. “I don’t know. But it’s fate, right?”
“First at Duke on my graduation day and now here at Oxford. You’ve always come into my life when I least expected it. I met you when I didn’t expect to meet you at Duke.”
Her ex-boyfriend smiled as he reached over and grasped her hand. “Can I ask you a question?”
She nodded, not trusting her voice at that moment. Scared she’d tell him lies or honest truths she had kept hidden away.
It was confusing.
So confusing.
She shouldn’t have agreed to have dinner with him. Alex knew where her heart was and that was in Massachusetts. But she couldn’t deny that Landon Carmichael had always been there for her at her very lowest, and today was no exception.
“If I had never broken us up, would we still be together?” His voice was a whisper, full of fear and hope.
She had thought about that question after she had seen him at her college graduation and they sat on their bench together. But that question had been long forgotten the moment she saw Evan waiting for her.
A million emotions and memories collided.
She had loved him.
Truly loved him until he had broken them. They were good together, and they had always been good and right. Until it wasn’t.
“I love Evan, Landon,” she said as a tear rolled down her face. “I’ll always love Evan.”
“But?”
Alex glanced away from his pleading blue eyes and stared at the happy couple to her right. She gazed in envy at how they looked at each other with love in their eyes. She’d known it for years when she had looked into Evan’s. She had even known it when she looked into Landon’s.
“That question isn’t fair, Landon.” Alex turned her attention back to him. “It’s not fair because I don’t know. I don’t have an answer for you. I think deep in my heart I would have found a way to him. When I’m with Evan, I’m home. I’m where I need to be.”
“But if I hadn’t broken up with you …”
“Landon,” she breathed as she pulled her hand away from him. “Don’t do that to yourself. We broke up for a reason. You went to Phoenix, and now you’re with the Spurs. I’m at the Rodahawe Institute. I’m where I need to be, and you’re where you need to be.”
He blinked at her several times as if he were taking in what she just said. “But—”
“It doesn’t matter, Landon. Not anymore.”
“But you and he aren’t together. That’s what you said on the way to the restaurant. We can …” His voice trailed off. The hesitation flashed bright in his eyes.
His insinuation stunned Alex.
There couldn’t be a we.
Not when her heart still mourned Evan.
“Landon, we can’t. It would never work. I’m here in Europe, and you’re back in the US. It would never work.”
He let out a sigh as he grabbed her hand again. “It would never work now or ever?”
It was a loaded question.
He wanted hope for them.
Alex licked her dry lips. “It would never work now …”
Or ever.
But she couldn’t get herself to say it out loud.
Determination flared in his eyes as a smile spread across his lips. “I can work with it not working now. How about if we talk when you come home? We can try again. San Antonio isn’t that far from Boston. I can fly and see you. We can make it work.”
Just as Alex was about to tell him that she couldn’t promise him that, their waiter returned and set their plates down, interrupting them. And as she watched Landon pick up his knife and fork, she knew he had taken her silence as acquiescence.
That someday might work for them.
Alex didn’t have the heart to take that away from him.
After dinner, Landon and Alex walked around Oxford and talked. They didn’t talk about promising to make it work when she returned to America. Instead, they talked about his upcoming game against Serbia and how her formula was going. She told him that she was going to be a big sister next month, and he was stunned. The same expression she had on her face when her mother and father had told her the news. Once the cold night air became unbearable, they took a cab back to her hotel, and he walked her to her room.
“Here,” Landon said as he pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to her. “It’s my new number. I wrote it down while you were in the bathroom.”
Alex glanced down to see the digits scribbled on the paper. “Oh, thank you. My number’s changed.”
“I figured it would,” he said with a sheepish smile on his face. “When my number changed, I called you. I got your voice mail and just listened to your voice. I thought about leaving a message, but I chickened out. You know it’s been you ever since I met you.”
Her breath caught in her throat as Landon stepped closer to her, Alex pressing her back to her hotel room door. He was close. Too close for comfort. Too close for Alex’s emotions to grip her heart. “Landon,” she whispered.
“It’s only been you I’ve loved since I met you.” He ducked his head, his lips inching closer to hers.
Alex held her breath in suspense.
His eyelids hooded as he raised a palm to cup the side of her face.
Then he pressed his forehead to hers. “I still love you, Alex. I’ve never stopped.”
“But I have,” she whispered, her voice tight. She hated the way he clenched his eyes shut in pain.
But it was the truth.
She had stopped.
Stopped the moment Evan rescued her from Blue Jay’s when she had returned to Boston.
“I still love him, Landon. He has my whole heart. It’s been three months, and I still love him,” she said as he pulled his head back.
“Then I’ll wait,” he promised.
She believed the hope that sparkled in his eyes. “I don’t know when I’ll be home. Dr. Rodahawe offered me a three-year contract with the institute. It’s a long time,” she pointed out.
“I know,” Landon said before he pressed his lips to her cheek. Then he straightened his spine and smiled at her. “Good night, Massachusetts.”
Relief poured into her chest that he didn’t kiss her on her lips. The last kiss she had ever tasted and felt was Evan’s, and she didn’t want Landon to kiss it away.
Opening her clutch, she pulled out her room key and smiled at him. “Thank you for dinner. I’ll text you so you have my Swiss number. Goodbye, Connecticut.”
Because a goodbye was final, and good night held promises of a new day.
98 Cf
californium
ALEX
Now
Alex sat nervously in her seat.
It was strange.
For the first time in years, she didn’t look at MIT as a stranger with dreams and desires to learn in such a prestigious institute. This time, she sat in the admissions office, waiting to hear word about starting her Ph.D. in the spring. But after weeks of back and forth emails, the dean of admissions had asked her to the college to talk. She had been excited to talk about finally being an MIT student, but that excitement
fizzled the moment she met the dean and sat in his office.
For the past twenty minutes, she sat in silence as she watched the man in his mid-forties behind the desk read her file. He’d let a hum, a grunt, and even an ah. But nothing that indicated whether she could start her Ph.D. later than first anticipated.
It didn’t help that her boyfriend, Evan Gilmore, was waiting at his office at Fenway Park for her. She had pleaded with him not to come with her to MIT because she could handle it on her own. Dean Carey was definitely surprised the moment he walked out of his office to see her large baby bump. Just over six months pregnant, she was definitely showing. Alex hadn’t exactly been upfront about her pregnancy with the college. All of Boston knew, so she just assumed MIT would, too.
“Miss Parker,” the dean of admissions said as he closed her file. “You are an ideal student, and MIT would be honored to have you attend.” He paused. Anxiety now coated her heart. “But unfortunately, there is no way we can allow you to start in the spring. Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s physics department starts their Ph.D. program at the start of the school year, which is September.”
Alex’s heart dropped. “Dean Carey, I’m due the second week of September.”
Sorrow swept his face. “I know this must be hard for you, but there’s just no way. To hold your place in the Ph.D. program, you’d have to start in September with the rest of the physics postgraduate students.”
“There’s a high probability my water will break in the middle of class. There’s no other way without losing my place at MIT? I’ve worked so hard to get into this school. I’ve wanted MIT for as long as I can remember.”
“I’m sorry, Miss Parker. You will have to apply for the next school year. Your funding will be reallocated, and you will have to reapply for grants next year.”
Alex shook her head in disbelief. “I thought Ph.D. students could take a leave of absence when they’re pregnant.”
He nodded. “Yes, but if you had already started your Ph.D. with MIT. You’re due as the fall semester starts. It puts you, your advisor, the department, and the classes you’d TA for in quite a limbo. You must understand that it’s in your best interest to start next fall.”