Cat held her hand up to stop them and approached Billie’s bedside. She sat on the edge and placed her palm on the side of Billie’s face. She leaned in close to Billie’s ear and said, “I love you, Billie. I know you can hear me. Fight. Fight for us, and for the children. We need you. Please come back to us.” She placed a tender kiss on Billie’s lips and wiped away one of her own tears that had fallen on Billie’s cheek.
The orderlies transferred Billie to the gurney and rolled her out of the room as Cat stood in the circle of her father’s arms and cried.
* * *
Where am I? What is this place? It’s so cold in here. What are those voices, and that humming sound? Why can’t I open my eyes? I can’t move. What’s happening to me? I need to get out of here. So sleepy.
“Scalpel.”
She’s so helpless... Please, whoever’s listening, please let her make it. Hang on, my love. Daddy would kill me if he knew I was in here. They’ve shaved off all your beautiful hair. Come on, Billie, fight. Don’t you dare leave me. Seth, Tara, Skylar—your babies need you. Don’t give up, sweetheart. My life would not be worth living without waking each morning to drown in your beautiful blue eyes. I love you move than life itself. God, Billie, please hang on... please.
“Scalpel.”
“Doctor O’Grady,” the anesthesiologist said. “She’s showing signs of regaining consciousness.”
“Good, just on time,” Doc said as he observed over the surgeon’s shoulder. He leaned down next to Billie’s ear. “Okay, daughter, this is where you take over. You need to guide us here.” He gently slapped the side of Billie’s face.
Billie regained consciousness. Her eyes scanned the room and settled on a point near the ceiling. Her face lit up as she whispered one word, “Cat,” before her face went blank again.
Doc followed Billie’s gaze upward to the observation deck above the operating theater. There, grinning ear to ear, was Cat.
Chapter 19
Doc scowled at Cat. “Caitlain, get your ass out of here.”
“I’m not leaving.”
Doc glanced at the attending surgeon and saw humor in his eyes. “It’s not funny, Bert. She shouldn’t be here.”
Bert looked down at Billie and back at Doc. “Wouldn’t you be, if you were in her shoes?”
Doc raised his hands to the sides. “I can’t win here, can I?” He peered up at Cat. “Okay, you can stay, but I don’t want to hear a peep out of you. Do you understand?”
Cat made the sign of the cross on her chest in promise.
“Okay, Billie-girl, are you ready?” Doc asked. He frowned when the expression on Billie’s face indicated she didn’t know who he was. “Billie, do you know where you are? Who I am?”
“No.” The frown on her brow and the mist in her eyes was unmistakable to Doc. He spared a glance at Cat in the balcony above them. Concern and confusion were evident on her face as well.
“What’s happening?” Cat asked.
“Cat, I can’t have you second-guessing me. You promised to be quiet. If you can’t, I’ll have you removed from the balcony.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll be quiet.”
Doc sighed and addressed Billie. “Billie, I’m Doc O’Grady. You’re in the operating room of the Albany Medical Center. We’re attempting to repair some damage in your brain caused by scar tissue. Do you understand?”
“Doc?” Billie said.
“Yes, Billie. We need your help here, daughter. You need to tell us what you’re feeling while we remove the damaged area. Do you understand?”
“Are you my father?”
“No, but I am your father-in-law. You’re married to my daughter, Caitlain.”
Doc watched Billie’s face as her gaze darted to the observation deck. A flash of panic and confusion crossed her features. “That’s not possible.”
Doc tilted his head to one side. “Why is that not possible?” he asked.
“Because I’m a woman.”
Doc’s attention was drawn to the balcony by an audible gasp. He looked up in time to see Cat retreat from the upper deck.
“Damn,” he cursed under his breath as he realized the damage was already done.
* * *
Cat ran from the observation deck in a panic and didn’t stop until she reached the grassy courtyard nestled in the intersection of the four wings of the hospital. She sat down on one of the benches and held her head in her hands, trying to make sense of what had just happened in the OR. She recognized me when she opened her eyes. She said my name. I know she recognized me.
Cat wrapped her arms around her midsection and rocked back and forth. What did she say? ‘That’s not possible, because I’m a woman’? Billie, what does that mean? Don’t you remember me? Don’t you remember our love?
Cat spent the next hour pacing across the grass, fearing she’d lost everything in that one sentence. Billie, I can’t live without you. Please remember me. Remember your children. We need you. Cat lifted her eyes skyward. Please bring her back to us. We need her more than you do.
* * *
Throughout the operation, Doc repeatedly glanced into the balcony for signs of Cat. He struggled with the ethical issues surrounding Cat’s presence in the room during surgery. It was enough he was in there, operating on his own daughter-in-law, which in itself was bordering on unethical. But considering the soonest a neurosurgeon could be brought in was days away, he opted to push ethics aside and do what he could to help this woman he had come to love as a daughter.
Billie lost consciousness two hours into the procedure, and the anesthesiologist was unable to rouse her a second time, so Doc finished the operation without her guidance. It was his preference for the patient to be awake during this type of surgery, as it made the success rate higher if they were able to gauge the patient’s reaction to the invasion of brain tissue before cutting it away. Losing Billie’s cooperation so early in the operation was unfortunate.
* * *
In the surgical ward waiting room, Cat alternated between pacing, crying, and sitting, all the while fretting about Billie’s fate and their future together. After one long, exhausting stretch of pacing, she sat and rested the back of her head against the wall. She closed her eyes against the pain in her temples. Soon, she felt a presence beside her.
“Here, drink this while it’s still hot.”
Cat opened her eyes and saw Jen sitting beside her, a cup of coffee extended toward her. “You’re a lifesaver.”
“How’s Billie?” Jen asked.
“She’s still in surgery.”
“How long?”
Cat looked at the clock on the wall. “About four hours.”
Jen took Cat’s chin in her hand. “Cat, look at me. That’s better. How are you holding up?”
Cat broke down into tears as soon as her gaze met Jen’s.
Jen took her coffee and set both cups on the table in front of them. She opened her arms wide, and Cat fell into them. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” Jen said.
Jen held her for long moments until Cat broke the embrace and sat up. She wiped her eyes with the napkin Jen handed her. “No, it’s not okay. She doesn’t know who I am. She doesn’t remember us.”
“What do you mean?”
Cat explained everything. About the nightmare and headache the night before, about her sneaking into the observation deck of the OR, about Billie opening her eyes on the operating table and saying her name, about Billie mistaking Doc for her own father. Finally, Cat told her about Billie’s comment regarding their marriage. Jen’s arms tightened around her, and Cat leaned her head on Jen’s shoulder.
“Cat, I’m sure it’s only temporary, a side effect of the operation.”
“No. I don’t think so. All of this happened before the operation. Her comment upset me, and I left the OR and ran. After a while I calmed down, and I’ve been sitting here ever since.” Cat blew her nose. “I can’t live without her. I don’t want to live without her.”
“You know Billie l
oves you. How can she just forget that?” Jen asked.
“I don’t know. What if she never remembers?”
“Then you’ll just have to make her fall in love with you all over again.”
“What if this new Billie isn’t attracted to women? Her comment in the OR kind of implied that.”
Jen took Cat’s hand in hers. “Tell me, Cat, why are you attracted to women?”
“What’s that got to do with anything? I’m not the one lying on the table in there,” she said, pointing to the OR door.
“Think about it. Why are you attracted to women?” Jen asked again. “Humor me.”
“I don’t know. I was born this way.”
“That’s right. You were born that way. It’s biological… not a matter of choice. Right?”
“Right.”
“Do you think Billie’s attraction to women is a matter of choice?”
Cat’s eyes opened wide. “I think you’re trying to tell me Billie’s inherent biological makeup hasn’t changed, so don’t worry about it, right?”
“Right.”
“So I’ll just have to make her fall in love with me all over again.”
“Is there an echo in here?” Jen said, earning her a jab in the ribs.
* * *
The operation lasted 10 hours. By the time Doc allowed his assistants to close the wound, he was exhausted and not a little skeptical about Billie’s recovery. He stepped back and watched as the piece of skull that had been removed was carefully replaced and the skin sutured back together.
Be strong, daughter. Your family needs you. We all do. You’ve made my Caitlain happier than I’ve ever seen her before. Please put a smile back on her face as only you can do. We need you, Billie. Come back to us.
Chapter 20
Cat and Jen sat in the OR waiting room, watching the hours tick by on the clock. The two spent six hours talking, reading, and napping, each one alternately using the other’s lap as a pillow. As the minute hand fell upon 6:12 in the afternoon, the door to the OR opened and a very tired Doc exited. Cat ran to his side.
“Daddy?”
“She came through the operation with flying colors. She’s a strong woman. I wouldn’t be surprised to see her awake by tomorrow morning.”
Cat hugged him tight while Jen grinned from ear to ear.
Cat pulled out of his embrace. “How did it go?”
Doc took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. “We’ll know more in a few days. She lost consciousness about two hours into it, so most of the operation was done by referencing the CAT scans, X-Rays, and MRIs. Only time will tell how successful we were and how much damage resulted from the operation.”
“Damage?” Jen said from her position on the couch.
Cat took Jen’s hand. “Billie had major brain surgery. There’s always the risk of damage when you start cutting away pieces of the brain.”
Jen jumped to her feet. “You cut away pieces of her brain?”
“Calm down,” Doc said. “We only did what was medically necessary to save her life. Her brain would have been starved of a much-needed blood supply without the operation. She would have died if we hadn’t done it.”
Jen paced back and forth. “Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!” She stopped in front of Cat. “You do realize how pissed she’ll be if she ends up handicapped because of this?”
“I thought of that, but it’s a risk I was willing to take, for her and for us. It wasn’t an easy decision. In fact, it was the most painful decision I’ve ever had to make. The brain is such a mysterious organ. It has the remarkable ability to help the body balance itself. If she ends up with permanent damage, there’s a good chance she can learn to compensate. I’ll help her.”
Jen walked up to Cat and stopped within inches of her. “Who are you trying to convince, me or you?” Jen held this position for a few seconds before walking away. “I’m going home,” she said and left the room.
Jen marched down the corridor and out of sight. Cat faced Doc and saw sympathy and understanding on his face.
“What?” Cat asked.
“She’s right, you know. There’s a chance Billie will come out of this with a permanent disability. As a doctor, I’m sure you understood the risks going into this. I hope to God she’ll come out of this intact, but Jen’s right. If she doesn’t, there’ll be hell to pay, in more ways than one.”
“But she might have died without the operation.”
Doc nodded. “In all probability, she would have. I hope we haven’t just saved her physical life in exchange for her emotional health. There’s a chance her quality of life will degrade, and she’ll be angry if things don’t end well.” He lifted Cat’s chin. “If that happens, she may blame you and—just like her death—her resentment might result in the end of your life together.”
“I couldn’t let her die. I couldn’t.”
“I know, kitten. I would have made the same decision if it had been your mother, but I’d feel a lot better about the prognosis if there weren’t signs of memory loss before the brain tissue was removed.”
“That’s not what I want to hear, Daddy.”
“Well, it’s not what I want to tell you, either, but her obvious confusion on the operating table made it pretty apparent to me that brain damage had already occurred as a result of the injury three years ago. I’m afraid a three-year-old injury might not be as reversible as one that happened in a more recent time frame.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying the possibility of a full recovery is slimmer with such an old injury.”
* * *
A half hour later, Billie was transferred to the ICU. Cat sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the white bandage wrapped around her head, and at the tangle of tubes and wires connected to various parts of her body.
“Billie, I know this isn’t how you’d want to live your life,” she said. “Please don’t hate me for doing this to you. You know I made this decision because I can’t bear to lose you. Remember when Seth had surgery? Remember we agreed we would love him and nurture him no matter what his abilities were? The kids and I, we feel the same about you. We want you in our lives regardless of how this turns out.”
Cat stood and walked to the window where she stared out over the city. You need to keep your wits about you, Cat. She needs you now, more than ever. Have faith in her. Have faith in what you have together.
Cat walked back across the room and stood at the foot of Billie’s bed. Needing physical contact, she reached over and touched Billie’s left foot, which jerked at the contact. Cat yanked her hand back at the unexpected reaction. A grin spread across Cat’s face. “It moved,” she said out loud. “It moved.”
“What moved?”
Cat’s gaze darted to the doorway to see her father standing there, holding Billie’s chart in his hands. “Her foot,” Cat said. “I reached out and touched it, and it moved. That’s a good sign, isn’t it? It means she isn’t paralyzed, doesn’t it?”
Doc slipped the chart into the pocket at the bottom of the bed. He placed an arm around Cat’s shoulder and pulled her head down to kiss the top of it. “It gives us reason to hope. It could have been an involuntary reflex, but it’s too soon to draw conclusions. She’s only been out of surgery for an hour. It’ll be tomorrow morning at the earliest before she even wakes up.”
Doc released his embrace and reached for both of Cat’s hands. “Honey, why don’t you go home and get some sleep? There’s not much any of us can do until she wakes up. Go home, get some sleep, and come back tomorrow morning.”
“No. I can’t stay away all night. I’ll go home and shower, but I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
“You’ve been saying no a lot to me lately, young lady. When did you get a mind of your own?”
Cat saw the twinkle in his eyes. “The day you delivered me in the car on the way to the hospital.” She rose on tiptoe to kiss his cheek.
“I should’ve known you’d be trouble when you wo
uldn’t wait.” He chuckled as he picked up Billie’s chart and left the room.
Cat walked to the bed and leaned over Billie’s still form. She placed several kisses on her mouth and cheeks and leaned in closer to whisper in her ear. “I’ll be back. Don’t go anywhere, okay? I love you.” She kissed her once more before she left.
All the way home, Cat thought about Jen’s reaction to her decision for Billie to undergo surgery. As she thought about it, her feelings seesawed between understanding and anger. In the end, anger won. Friends were supposed to support each other, have faith in each other. I needed you, and you turned on me.
By the time Cat pulled into her driveway, she was furious. She climbed out of the car, slammed the door, and stomped over to Jen’s house. Jen was loading the dishwasher when Cat walked into the kitchen. Cat walked toward her, grabbed her arm, and dragged her into the bathroom just off the kitchen.
She slammed the door and leaned against it. Jen positioned herself on the edge of the bathroom sink and crossed her arms.
“What the hell was that all about at the hospital?” Cat said.
“I’m not so sure you made the right decision, Cat.”
Cat raised her hands in a helpless gesture. “What did you expect me to do? Let her die? What would you have done? Tell me, what would you have done?”
Cat’s eyes locked with Jen’s, and she waited for a reply.
“I don’t know. I hope to God I never have to make that decision. But what I do know is this. Billie may not thank you for saving her life, not if it means spending it in a wheelchair or hooked to a respirator. I think if the decision was hers, she’d have chosen death over a lifetime of being a burden to you and the kids.”
Cat sank to the floor and pulled her knees up to her chest. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let her die.”
Jen sat on the floor beside her and pulled her into a hug. “Cat, it’s water under the bridge at this point. The decision is irreversible. We both know there’s a chance she’ll live the rest of her life as a cripple. If that happens, the pity and sympathy will kill her, but what we need to do now is hope for the best and work our asses off to see she recovers.”
Unchained Memories Page 12