“And you don’t believe her?”
Cat started pacing the kitchen floor. “You should have seen her face when I made the sexual comment. She was like a deer caught in the headlights. No, I don’t believe her. I think it was a convenient excuse to send me home and avoid confronting the intimacy issue.”
Jen crossed her arms and shifted her weight to one hip. “And here you are, at home right where she wants you to be. Since when did you lose your backbone?”
Cat stopped pacing and narrowed her eyes.
“Don’t you give me that look. I’m not the bad guy here, at least not this time. Who are you more angry with right now, Billie or yourself?”
Cat reacted like someone had thrown cold water in her face as she understood what Jen was trying to tell her. She grabbed her car keys, hugged and thanked Jen for once again being there when she needed her, and headed out the door.
Chapter 35
Billie was awakened the next morning by an elbow in her ribs. “Umph. What the hell?” she muttered under her breath as she rolled over and realized Cat was in bed with her. Being careful not to wake her, she maneuvered herself onto her back, raised both arms above her head, and rested them on the pillow. Staring at the ceiling, she went over the sequence of events that ended with Cat leaving the hospital the night before.
It had still been early, not even seven p.m., but an exhausting afternoon PT combined with a visit from the children had wiped out Billie’s reserves. She was falling asleep in her chair and asked Cat to help her to bed, which Cat apparently saw as an invitation, considering Cat’s suggestive comments. Billie did the only thing she could think of at the time. She asked Cat to leave. It was a request she regretted almost as soon as it was made.
After Cat left, Billie lay awake. She stared at the ceiling and fought with the emotions and feelings that seemed both alien and familiar to her at the same time. A burning sensation formed in the center of her abdomen. Her legs weakened, and her respiration became choppy. An undeniable tension ran rampant through her body, and she couldn’t relax as she watched the minutes tick by on the clock beside her bed. After an hour, the feelings subsided and she willed her body to sleep.
Now, several hours later, she found herself once again lying awake, tension gripping her midsection, only this time, the source of her discomfort was a mere hair’s-breadth away.
Daring a glance, Billie realized Cat was awake. “I thought you went home last night.”
Cat pushed herself upright and off the bed. “Good morning to you, too.”
“I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Good morning,” Billy said, hoping to repair any damage she might have caused by her abruptness.
Cat went into the bathroom without responding.
“Shit,” Billie said as the door closed behind Cat. “Damn it. Why does this have to be so hard?”
A few minutes later, Cat emerged and climbed onto the foot of Billie’s bed. She sat cross-legged in front of Billie and rested her elbows on bent knees. “It almost worked.”
Billie was confused. “What almost worked?”
“You sending me home last night. It almost worked. I paced across the living room beating myself up for what I thought was an inappropriate comment, until someone talked some sense into me.”
“Jen?” Billie asked sarcastically.
“Yes, Jen. Nice try, but you ain’t getting rid of this chick so easily next time.” Cat leaned forward. “Like it or not, you’re my wife, and yes, I would like nothing more than to take you to bed and make love to you all night. You may not remember it right now, but our physical relationship is almost as important to us as our emotional one, and I, for one, miss it.”
Billie avoided Cat’s eyes.
“Billie, look at me,” Cat said. “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable yesterday, and I’ll try not to do that again, but let me make one thing very clear. I will never again allow you to chase me away. You got that?”
Billie nodded while trying hard to ignore the feelings of arousal brewing deep within her soul.
“Okay, Billie, on your feet,” Joseph said.
Billie planted her feet on the floor and, using the walker, pulled herself off the bed into a standing position.
“All right, hold on to my shoulders.”
“I don’t think I’m ready for this.”
Joseph bent over the walker. “Don’t be a coward. You’ve been cruising the hallways for three days now on this thing. It’s time you give it up and move on.”
Billie was uncertain and held fast to the walker.
“I’m going to count to three, then I’m going to pull the walker away, so you’d better be holding my shoulders by then.”
Billie maintained eye contact with him and wondered whether she should call his bluff.
“One, two, thr...”
Billie let go of the walker and grabbed Joseph’s shoulders. She made no attempt to mask the anxiety on her face.
“Good girl. We’re going to try out some crutches today. Laura…” he said.
Laura handed a pair of forearm crutches to Joseph and took the walker away.
“All right, these cuffs fit around your forearms like this.” He fit a cuff of one crutch onto her right arm as she continued to hold his shoulders.
Once he had the cuff attached, he motioned for Laura to join him. Laura held onto Billie’s belt while Joseph lowered the first crutch to the floor.
“Okay, hold on to the grip and let the crutch help you balance while we attach the other one. Laura’s gripping the belt. You won’t fall.”
Billie teetered toward the crutch side. She could feel the belt tighten around her midsection. Laura applied pressure to keep her upright as she struggled to maintain her balance. Joseph attached the second cuff and lowered the crutch to the floor. Billie, her forehead drawn and tense, concentrated on balancing on two support points, rather than the four afforded her by the walker.
“Okay, try to regain your balance, using the crutches as anchoring points. Try not to lean on them. That’s it, stand up straight. Good,” he said as she brought herself up to her full height. “Over the past several days you’ve gained a great deal of control over your leg muscles, so you shouldn’t have much trouble moving them forward on command. What we need to work on is balance and your sense of rhythm while you walk,” Joseph said. “Do you understand?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“All right. Let’s get started. When you move forward, you’ll need to move the opposite crutch. In other words, you move the left leg and right crutch together, and vice versa. Okay so far?”
Billie nodded.
“Good. Laura’s holding onto the belt, and I’ll be here in front of you, so don’t be afraid of falling over. Now, let’s go, left foot, right crutch.”
Billie teetered side to side but managed to keep her balance. She looked at Joseph in awe. She redistributed her weight to her left leg and moved the right foot and left crutch together. Again, she teetered, but didn’t fall. She grinned. Five minutes later, she managed to move ten feet across the room.
When she reached the other side, Joseph wrapped his arm around her waist to give her extra support as she pivoted around. Within minutes, she walked back to the edge of the bed where she started.
“Can we go again?” Billie asked.
“Sure.” Joseph led her to the other side of the room and back once again. “Okay, let’s walk over here to the chair and learn how to get on and off your feet using the crutches.”
For the next half hour, with Joseph on one side and Laura on the other, Billie practiced raising and lowering herself in and out of the chair. She did fine while they held her arms, but the moment she tried getting up on her own, she lost her balance and fell forward into Joseph’s arms.
“Keep your weight over your legs. Don’t lean forward,” Joseph said.
After several more failed attempts, she managed to lift herself out of the chair and stand erect. By the time she accomplished this much, a sh
een of sweat covered her body. Exhausted, she lowered herself into the chair and called it quits for the morning.
Joseph squeezed her shoulder. “You’re doing a great job. Keep it up, and you’ll be out of here in no time.”
“Thanks,” she said and watched him leave.
Before Laura left, she moved the walker within Billie’s reach. “No trying the crutches on your own for a while, okay? You’ve gotten pretty good with the walker, so as long as you have someone to walk with you, go ahead and use it, but stay off the crutches unless Joseph or I am with you. All right?”
“Got it.”
“Okay then. I’ll see you later this afternoon. Maybe we can take it down the hall if you’re up to it.”
Cat had not returned from work by the time Billie’s lunch arrived. She ate alone in silence and thought about everything that had happened to her in the nine or ten days since she’d been in the hospital.
She found it incredible she was involved with someone like Cat. When she first woke up, she didn’t remember being attracted to women. As she began remembering who she was, her sense of self returned but without memories of Cat. Over the past few days, she realized what she was feeling for Cat was not sisterly affection. She felt different around her. Cat made her feel special, wanted, loved. She was also beginning to feel stirrings at the very center of her being that she tried to suppress, but as of late—especially after Cat read her the riot act that morning—the stirrings had become too strong to deny.
She looked forward to waking up each morning next to Cat. Sending Cat home the night before was something she regretted as soon as the suggestion passed her lips. She was glad Cat came back during the night.
She loved sharing a bed with Cat. Sometimes she woke up before her and just enjoyed the feel of Cat’s head on her shoulder. The aroma of Cat’s jasmine shampoo sent tentacles of warmth straight to her heart. Sometimes she could sense Cat looking at her. She reveled in the attention but didn’t let on she was aware of the voyeurism. She loved the way her skin tingled when Cat touched her, the way her heart skipped a beat when she hugged her, the way fingers of warmth spread through her when Cat kissed her.
She loved to watch Cat with the children. It made her heart soar to realize Cat treated Seth like he was her own flesh and blood. Billie hated the way she felt when others were affectionate with Cat—especially Jen. She hated the feeling of loneliness when she was away from her for long periods of time—like now.
Billie leaned back in the chair. “My God,” she said out loud. “I’m in love with her. I love her. I do. I love her!” Her heart pounded with excitement as she let herself acknowledge the fact. “I love her,” she said again, liking the sound of it.
Billie had no way of knowing how long she sat there, a stupid grin on her face, before Dr. Connor arrived.
“A penny for your thoughts,” Dr. Connor said from somewhere in front of her.
Billie’s eyes focused on her. “I didn’t even notice you come in. Please sit down.”
“Will Cat be joining us?”
“I don’t know. She had surgery this morning. She hasn’t come back yet.”
“I see. You had a very happy expression on your face when I came in. Want to tell me about it?”
“I love her.”
Dr. Connor folded her arms across her chest. “I know.”
Billie was still smiling when Laura arrived for her afternoon PT.
Laura placed the crutches in front of Billie and held her elbow as she rose to her feet. When Billie was standing, and they were face-to-face, Laura touched her cheek and said, “So, you’ve finally realized it, huh?”
“Realized what?”
“Cat?” Laura said.
Billie blushed.
“Thought so.” Laura tightened the belt around Billie’s waist. “Okay, let’s get to work. We’ve got a redhead to impress.”
For the first fifteen minutes, Billie practiced moving around in her room on the crutches. When she was more sure of herself, they ventured into the hall. It didn’t take long for Billie to set up a cadence, making jerky but continuous progress down the hall. A full half hour later, she reached the solarium where she sat down to rest before making the long trek back to her room.
Cat rushed back to Billie’s room from the OR. The surgery she anesthetized that morning was long and difficult, and at one point, the surgeons almost lost the patient. The expected four-hour surgery lasted eight, but now Cat was free for the rest of the day.
When Cat reached Billie’s room, she found it empty. She checked her watch. It was time for Billie’s afternoon PT. As she stepped into the hallway, she saw Billie and Laura making their way back toward Billie’s room. Cat was surprised to see Billie on crutches instead of her walker.
She was drawn like a magnet toward Billie, walking in her direction until she was standing in front of her. They stopped and looked at each other, both of them oblivious to Laura, who stood off to the side, providing Billie with gentle support with her handhold on the belt. Cat caressed the side of Billie’s face, and Billie leaned into the touch.
Cat’s eyes misted over with happiness. “I’m so proud of you.”
Billie’s forearm cuff pivoted as she released the hand grip and cupped Cat’s cheek. “We have to talk.”
Without breaking eye contact, Cat nodded. “Yes, we do.”
The sound of Laura clearing her throat reminded them they had company. “Okay, ladies. What do you say we finish our walk and you’ll have the rest of the day to spend together?”
Billie made her way back to her room, with Cat and Laura in tow. Laura helped her into bed and ran her through a series of stretching exercises. She gave her a thorough massage and rubbed the soreness out of her much-abused muscles before leaving for the evening.
Laura left Billie on the bed with the head of it raised so she was sitting up. When they were alone, Cat shut the door and pulled the chair up to the side of the bed, but Billie patted the bed. Cat sat where Billie indicated.
Billie took one of Cat’s hands, placed Cat’s palm into hers, and closed her fingers around it. “Nice fit, huh?”
Cat studied their entwined fingers. “Yes, it is.”
“Cat?”
Cat’s gaze rose to meet Billie’s. “Yes?”
“Cat, I love you.”
Cat caught her breath. “Are you sure?”
Billie nodded. “Very sure.”
Cat cupped the side of Billie’s face. “Do you love the Cat you see before you now, or the one you met five years ago?”
Billie’s eyes clouded over. “I don’t know the Cat I met five years ago. I’m sorry, but I still don’t remember you—or us.”
Cat closed her eyes to hide her disappointment. She inhaled deeply to regain control of her emotions then opened them once more.
“I’m sorry,” Billie said.
Cat kissed her. “At least it’s a start,” she said before once more claiming Billie’s mouth in a searing kiss that left them both breathless.
Chapter 36
Billie screeched the car to a halt in the parking lot and ran into the building. She scaled the stairs, three steps at a time. The apartment door was ajar. Her first thoughts were for the children. She ran to each of their rooms but found them asleep in their beds.
She raced toward their bedroom. “Cat! Cat, where are you?” She pushed the door open. The scene before her overwhelmed her senses as an uncontrollable rage filled her heart and mind. She pounced on Brian, who was in the process of zipping his trousers.
Billie landed a roundhouse kick to Brian’s chin. He slammed into the wall but stayed on his feet. “You bastard! You son of a bitch! I’ll kill you!” She jammed her elbow into his solar plexus. He gasped for air and retched the contents of his stomach all over the floor then made a break for the door. Billie swung her leg again and hit him square on the nose. He was airborne briefly, then slammed into the bathroom door and sank to the floor, unconscious.
“Billie! No!”
Billie bolted upright. Sweat poured down her face, and her body trembled. Her eyes were wild with terror. She looked around frantically and found Cat lying on her side next to her, sleeping. Billie took a few minutes to bring her breathing under control before she reached over and touched Cat’s shoulder, assuring herself she was really there, and safe.
She lay back down on the bed, covered her eyes with her arm, and tried to remember the dream. Cat… Brian… rape… feelings of murderous rage, but no more than that. All she could see were glimpses in time. She rolled over to spoon herself behind Cat and pulled her close. I’m scared, Cat. I need to remember. We can’t be whole until I do.
Cat lay with her back to Billie, her eyes wide open. She felt Billie bolt awake but fought the urge to react. She hoped with all her heart Billie had been startled from a sound sleep by a memory, and she waited for Billie to wake her, to no avail. All she felt was Billie’s light touch on her shoulder before being enveloped in her arms.
Lying there, wrapped within Billie’s arms, she felt safe and warm in the present but far from certain about their future. Billie loved her. She said as much, but without the years of memories they had built together, Cat wasn’t sure they could rebuild the same beautiful relationship they enjoyed before. Their present was built on their past. Without the past to shape their future, she fretted it would never be the same.
She closed her eyes and mourned the loss of her life with Billie. They spent years building their lives together and forming the incredible bond they shared. Gone were the precious memories: the moment Skylar was born, screaming and kicking in protest while announcing her presence to the world; attending Seth’s Little League games and seeing the pride in Billie’s eyes as she watched him; Tara asking her if Santa would still know who she was after her name was changed to Charland; the vows they had shared when they pledged their lives together in front of family and friends; the intense feeling of pride and accomplishment she felt when Billie reversed the state’s ban on same-sex marriage. All of this was lost—all of this and more.
Unchained Memories Page 24