I’m falling…
For him.
I’m falling…
For three little kids.
I’m falling…
And when I hit the ground, I’m going to shatter.
When I wake up the next morning, with Lily bouncing on the bed, it takes a full pot of coffee to jumpstart me. I’m present, though—no conference calls. I do school with the kids and make lunch for everyone.
But Connor is different today. Friendly enough, but aloof.
Makes sense, I think, as I feel him creating distance.
He barely looks at me throughout the day. He doesn’t even talk to me, except once to ask if I’m okay. Throughout the afternoon he’s on the phone, and I take over for him like he did for me yesterday.
Later at dinner, he announces that Cade and Debra called and are coming home tomorrow evening. Even though I already knew that, my heart sinks.
As Connor goes into the school room do some tough homework with Brandon and Tyler, I do my best to hide my bruised emotions and carry the dirty dishes into the kitchen. Nicole, Jackson, Max and Lily follow my lead, helping me clear the table.
“You okay, Elle?” Nicole studies my face as she rinses the plates. “You seem… quiet.”
“I’m great!” I say, way too forced and upbeat.
Nicole notices and cocks her eyebrows.
Great! “You know what? This clean up party needs some tunes.”
Setting up my iPhone with a set of small speakers, I hit play on one of my favorite workout music lists.
“I love this song!” Nicole exclaims as she abandons the plates she was scrubbing to scoop Lily into her arms and spin her around.
Jackson turns over a steel pot, grabs two wooden spoons and flips them over in his hands so he has a set of drumsticks. And Max starts dancing like he’s on America’s Got Talent.
I retrieve the soup ladle, soap suds dripping down my arm, to use as a microphone as I do my best lip-synch, rock star impression.
As the next song blasts, the kids are either trading up their makeshift musical instruments or are dancing and singing around the kitchen together with me—dishes still languishing in the cooling sink water. Every now and again, to look productive, I spin over and wash a glass or something. I really couldn’t care less.
It’s the perfect distraction; it takes my mind off everything and gives the kids a good time. Until Connor walks through the swinging door just as I belt the chorus of a Shawn Mendez song—very poorly, I might add.
I freeze.
We all freeze. Except Lily, who of course does her best ballerina impression across the linoleum. Dishwater drips from my elbow and hits the floor.
The music is still blaring as he just stands in the doorway staring at me—into me.
It’s as if he’s trying to take in the scene in front of him. Or maybe he thinks I’m crazy. Or maybe he’s hella angry at me.
Suddenly, his face breaks into this amazingly boyish, mischievous sunrise of a smile.
It’s all Connor. The Connor I haven’t seen since the end of the Twister game. The Connor I thought was lost to me. The Connor who broke into my room that fateful night.
This is Connor, and somehow more fully him than ever.
God, I love that man’s smile. And this one instantly becomes one of my top three favorites. It takes over his eyes and face, then spreads throughout his whole body.
I hold out my arm and offer him the ladle.
Without taking his eyes from mine, he accepts it.
Then he looks to Nicole and suggests, “You could turn it up a bit.”
She does and pushes repeat. The kids start singing and jumping around again like they’re on stage. Connor joins the show.
It’s the perfect performance.
The perfect finale to a near-perfect week.
Soon I’m lamenting the last song. It will play. We’ll all go to our rooms, and tomorrow will be the very last day we’re together. It’s silly, of course, to look at it like that. We’ll see each other at The Core, I know. And maybe when Debra and Cade need help, they’ll call us in again. But how often will that happen?
I have hope we’ll stay friends. But I’ll miss this with him.
It’s been an incredible week, and as I soak in the happiness around me, I’m filled with gratitude for every moment we’ve all shared.
When the sun rises on Wednesday, it’s all I can do to tear myself out of the bed.
Lily’s snuggled up against me, and her head lays gently in the crook of my arm. I set my face into her sweet blond curls and breathe in her scent as deeply as I can. I don’t want the inhale to end—as I don’t want this week to end.
I’m scared of what happens next.
For my entire life, every time I’ve loved so hard, I’ve lost it…
Every. Single. Time.
Now the stakes of having my heart ripped from my chest and shattered into oblivion are higher than I ever thought possible. I had believed I’d toughened up after my dad left us, and again after my mom ditched me and my brother. I thought I’d become untouchable after the pain of losing Alex. But I was so wrong. I thought the capacity to truly love had been stolen from me. Part of me wanted it to be, because I never wanted to feel that agony again. Yet here I am, heart completely open, loving.
Loving so deeply.
I love all three of them.
Make that four. The true number breezes through my mind and I can’t deny it.
I never meant to risk my heart like this. I know what the books and poets and songs say, you have to risk yourself to know what you’re truly capable of, and you must risk your heart to experience love.
Before I rise from the sheets, I make a vow to myself. I will love the children and fight for them with every fiber of my being.
As for… Four. I just don’t know. He may not feel the way I do.
What if that kind of love doesn’t even exist in reality? What if it’s only in those books, poems, songs and fairy tales?
My mother and father didn’t love each other, and neither of them loved us. Later examples I’d seen growing up did nothing to strengthen my belief in love either.
“Get up, Elle,” I whisper into the new morning light. “Just do today.”
Once breakfast is finished and the older teens have started school, I ask Connor, “Would it be alright if Jackson, Max and Lily and I have a few minutes in the formal family room? I have a special gift I’d like to give them, but I wanted to do it when the other kids were busy.”
“Of course,” he tells me. “Take all the time you need. The teens will be occupied for the next two hours.”
“You’re welcome to come be a part of it,” I offer tentatively. “After all, it is because of you that we’re all here together.”
“If you’re comfortable, and you think they would want me there too, then I’m in.” He smiles brightly at the invitation.
I call for the kids.
The three of them cozy up beside me on the couch, Max and Lily right next to me and Jackson next to Max. Connor sits in the love seat across from us, his elbows perched on his knees.
A white giftbox sits neatly on my lap.
I swallow hard and take a nervous breath.
“What’s in the box?” Jackson asks first.
Lily sing-songs, “The yellow ribbon is pretty. Can I have it?”
“Yes, you can have the ribbon,” I tell her. “It’s what’s inside that’s for all three of you.”
I lift the lid.
Max’s eyes grow larger as he wiggles to see inside. “A book?”
“Not just any book, but a very special picture book,” I tell him as tears begin to sting my eyes. Quickly, I blink them back.
I open the cover.
“MOMMY!” Max and Lily shout at the same time as they all jam in closer to see the photographs.
“AND DADDY!” Max adds.
I feel the hot tears escape my eyes and fall down my face. I lean back fast, so they don’t fall ont
o the pages and get them wet.
Connor moves forward to look too.
“There we are at the park! Mom, Dad, me, Max and Lily!” Jackson sounds amazed as he points to each person. “That’s the time Lily went down the slide on her own! And this is my sixth-grade school photo…”
“And Mommy and Daddy hugging me when I’m a baby!” Max shouts excitedly as he stares at the photo of himself, only a few weeks old, swaddled in a soft blue blanket and held in his mother’s arms.
“There’s me and Jackson and Max and Mommy and Daddy and ALL our presents under the CHRISTMAS TREE!” Lily screams like its actually Christmas. “And LOOK at this one!” her whole-body shakes with excitement. “I’m so little and Mommy is holding my hand!”
“You were learning to walk.” Jackson smiles at her as the memory comes to life.
Then thoughtfully, Jackson’s finger traces the outline of a photo with just him and his mom. She’s hugging him from behind, and both of them are laughing. It had been taken only three months before the accident. “Elle, how did you do this?”
“I found your mother’s profile on Facebook. She loved you all so much and took so many pictures. I made them into prints and created the photobook,” I explain softly.
“Brilliant idea,” Connor muses.
My heart breaks that I couldn’t retrieve the special items from the pictures, like Max’s baby blanket, Lily’s little shoes or Jackson’s beloved stuffed bear.
They turn each page and savor each moment.
“I miss Mommy,” Lily says, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. Her eyes never leave the photos.
“Me too.” Max is crying now too “And Daddy.” He kisses his hand and puts it on a picture of he and his dad playing catch.
Jackson wipes at his eyes with his sleeve. “I wish they were here.”
“Your mother and father are always right beside you, and now you can always see them and the memories you made together.” I wrap my arms around them and hold them close.
Connor kneels down in front of us and squeezes Jackson’s arm, then places his hands on Lily’s and Max’s knees, for comfort.
“This is beautiful, Elle,” he says, catching my eyes; his own are glossy.
I smile gently at him. My emotions are caught in my throat, and I can barely speak as I tell them, “I labeled each picture with the words your mom wrote on her Facebook posts. Like here…” I point to a photo of them eating sandwiches next to an outdoor pool. Lily is wearing floaty-arm bands for swimming, and Jackson and Max have on matching dark blue swim trunks. Their hair is wet, bringing out the curls they all inherited.
I read aloud, “Saturday July 2, 2018. I took the kids to the pool at Miller Park. We had an amazing day! Jackson did a spectacular dive from the diving board and swam the entire length of the pool underwater! He didn’t even come up once for air! Max held his breath and swam under my legs three times! And Lily swam without her floaties for the first time ever! I think it’s possible they could all become Olympic athletes! Does everybody love their kids this much? Because sometimes when I look at them, my heart fills up with so much love, it feels like it could burst. God, I love them!”
When I finish reading, they all kneel on the couch next to me and throw their arms around me. We all cry.
Including Connor. As he puts his arms around the kids, I notice the feel of his arm, by extension, holding me.
In this moment, I think I can feel what Emily means about loving so hard your heart feels like it could burst.
Several hours later, after school is finished, we take the kids to The Core.
It’s buzzing with excitement. Josh North is there working with the kids, along with Talon, Reese, and Chase.
I only have a moment to say hello before I have to get to the yoga studio for class.
They’re all such good men… like Connor, they’re rough, but their edges have been smoothed.
Maybe that’s what love does, I think. The love of true family.
I muse as I begin the stretches. The Brothers of Ink and Steel. Individually they’re impressive; honestly, the most impressive men I’ve ever met. And watching them through the studio window with the kids and knowing their collective histories… together they’re a powerful, reckoning force.
I find myself longing for that connection, wishing I had found a family like that. The thought causes a pang that needles through my heart. I pray that Alex found it.
Max comes bursting through the door with Lily. “I am having the BEST day of my LIFE!”
“I’m so glad, Maximillian.” I stroke his hair.
“Elle? Is it time to go home yet?” Lily tugs at my yoga skirt.
“Nooooooo,” Max whines. “I’m not ready to go home yet! A little while longer?” His eyes beg.
“We’ll have to ask Connor what time we’re leaving, but I think you have a few more minutes.”
“YES!” Max is out like a shot.
Lily stays parked by my leg.
I take a deep breath. Home.
North House came to feel like home, but the reality is they have no home. We have no home.
Home. After all the elation, victories and high moments I’d had throughout the week, this thought, this word, slams me so hard it knocks the wind from me.
I adore Anya, but the condo isn’t home anymore. In fact, anywhere without these kids, could never be home.
We’re still wrapped in legal, red tape limbo—and of course, Connor and Cade could do their absolute best and Prescott could still win. That would be devastating beyond measure. I can’t even think of it. Connor promised the kids could stay at North House until everything was settled, which is a comfort in some sense, but again, North House isn’t home, and Lily especially isn’t going to do well when I have to leave her. I’ve been watching property rentals, three- and four-bedroom houses specifically. My job at The Defender doesn’t pay enough. Once I fully transition to The Core—which is just a few weeks away—I may just make enough to afford it. I’ve even started to apply for other part time placements that may shore up any financial difference.
Then I could keep them.
I remind myself I don’t even know yet if they’ll get placed with me or with another family. A sharper pang spears my heart. I don’t want them placed with another family. But as a concession, at least, if they can stay together… that is the most important thing.
This is making my brain hurt. “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s find Connor.”
When we arrive back at North House, Cade and Debra are already there. The kids are so excited to share details about the week, but Jackson, Max and Lily stay close to me.
We all eat dinner while Debra and Cade share stories and pictures of their vacation. Afterward, the four of us do a short debrief, but Cade and Debra are so tired all they want to do is get some rest.
They invite Connor and I to stay the night for continuity and convenience and tell me that we’ll discuss what happens next after the big wedding and the weekend.
The teens clean the kitchen, and I get the little ones up to their rooms. Jackson wants to know what’s going to happen next; of course, I don’t have an answer.
“We’re still getting it all worked out.”
“But will you be staying here with us, Elle?” Max asks.
“Tonight, but I have to go back to work during the day and sleeping at my apartment starting tomorrow.”
“You won’t be sleeping here with us?” Lily’s eyes start to well with tears.
“I’ll come each day to visit. I’m working hard to make it happen.”
She sighs unhappily but accepts it.
“I love you guys so much. The universe is going to make a way; we have to trust that.” I say it, but I don’t know how much I truly believe it. I remind myself we’ve gotten this far, and who would’ve believed that?
Still, I know it’s going to take a miracle.
Once they’re all asleep, I find myself at the top of the stairs with my fingers running over the spines
of the books in the bookcase. This is exactly where I started a week ago, when I was first here, wondering if I should go downstairs. And here I am again, contemplating the same thing. But my, how things have changed.
Connor might be down there, in the kitchen, with the tea kettle on the stove…
Waiting for me.
Or he might not.
He’ll be returning to the law firm. Maybe he’s in his room going over some case files to catch up.
I swing the kitchen door open and can’t stop the smile that bubbles up from within me.
There’s Connor, wearing a pair of faded blue Levi’s, a black Linkin Park concert tee, and black Converse—identical to the outfit I first met him in—sitting at the counter with a book in his hands. The tea kettle is on the back burner, slow wisps of steam lifting from its spout, and on the counter next to Connor sit two steaming mugs of tea; the aroma of cinnamon and clove fills the kitchen.
He’s been waiting for me.
“Hey, you.” He gazes up from the book and smiles. “I was hoping you’d come down.”
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away.
“Like the outfit.”
“These old rags?” The corners of his mouth lift in a cocky smirk.
“I remember,” I tell him.
“I wondered if you might.” He exhales long. “I think about you every time I listen to Linkin Park or wear a concert tee.”
My heart thrills at his words.
He adds, “It was an incredible week, wasn’t it?”
“It really was. I discovered so much about myself.” About you. “About what I really want to do with my life.” I laugh at myself. “I didn’t mean to launch off all cathartic.”
“No, I get it. I’ve had the same kind of epiphanies.” He looks down for a moment then back into my eyes. “I like that you’d share that with me. What are some of the things you discovered? If you want to tell me.”
“I do.” I press my lips together, realizing how open I’m being. But I push forward. “I already knew I was leaving The Defender for a full-time job with Cade and Debra, but this week really solidified it for me. I want to create a five or ten-year plan—allowing for some extra time if I do get to keep Jackson, Max and Lily for once they get a little older and for me to learn everything I can from your parents—I want to start my own North House. I’d also like to work with others to set up and implement Cade’s Core system and North House models across the country, in every state. I flirted with the idea in college, knowing it needed to be done. Now I know I’m the one who needs to do it. It’s proven that it saves kid’s lives, and that’s the business I want to be in.”
Risk: An Enemies to Lovers, Second Chance Romance Standalone (Brothers of Ink and Steel) Page 17