After Maddy opens the door, she engulfs me in her arms and starts rambling on about how happy she is that I came. I know she was worried that Ben would screw things up for us as friends, but I would never let that happen. I take Anthony’s hand in mine as we walk into the party. I try not to act conspicuous as I glance around the room to see if Ben is already here. I don’t see him, so I’m able to take a big breath and let go of some of the tension I’m feeling.
We make our way into the kitchen and I lean my hip up against the counter as Anthony attends to my drink. He is friendly and charming as he pours me a glass of wine, and I wait as he fills one for himself. I notice other girls watching him from time to time, but it doesn’t bother me—I get it. There’s a spot left on the couch and we take it, sitting very close because of its size. I feel the hardness of Anthony’s body against mine as we’re pressed together to make room for other guests.
When there’s no room for Anthony’s arm, he smiles a nervous smile and shrugs a shoulder at me before raising his arm up and around my shoulder. We both laugh at how high school the whole move feels, but it really is our only option for comfort. I talk to a few of my friends who make their way to the couch, and then I notice Ben staring at me from across the room.
I have no idea how long he’s been there, but there’s no warmth on his face as he glares at me. I break eye contact with him when his model-like date wraps her arm around his waist and whispers something in his ear. Ben nods to her and then follows her down the hall. I feel sick immediately and breathe in deep to fight back the hurt and anger I feel. I guess I should’ve known that our time would be short.
Needing some space to myself and some fresh, cold water for my burning face, I excuse myself and make my way to the bathroom. The door is locked and I wait outside, praying whoever is in there hurries up so I can get in before I fall apart. When the door finally opens it’s Ben’s date and she’s alone. We make eye contact and hold it for what feels like forever before looking each other up and down. I can’t believe I’m letting my insecurities take over. I snap my eyes back up to hers and she gives me a tight smile before brushing past me and back out to the party.
I open the door and close it quickly behind me. Taking a minute, I rest my hands on the sink and close my eyes. I wanted this, have agreed to this, so now I need to get my shit together and get back out there to my perfectly attentive date. I put a little cold water on my hands and press them to my cheeks, telling myself over and over to not cry. When I think I’m ready, I open the door slowly so that I can make my way back to Anthony.
As the door creaks open, Ben presses his way in and I’m so shocked I stand there with my mouth agape as he closes and locks the door behind him. We’re just inches apart, looking at each other as the party continues on outside the small room without us. After only a few seconds Ben closes the distance between us and crushes his lips to mine. I don’t even hesitate kissing him back, pulling him as close to me as I can.
His hands slide down my ass and he pulls my hem up around my hips, exposing my small panties. Ben lifts me up, placing me on the counter and then begins to explore every part of my body with his large hands. There’s no tenderness in this exchange; we’re pulling and tasting, clawing and gripping at each other. Our breath is coming fast and pressured as we press into each other.
“It is fucking driving me crazy that he has his hands on you,” Ben grunts as he slides me to the edge of the counter. “Do you want his hands on you?” he asks as he hooks his fingers into the edge of my panties. He pauses as he waits for my answer, the feel of his fingers so close to where I need him it’s making me insane.
“No, Ben, only you,” I whisper and his mouth is on mine again. I wrap my arms around his neck, as if I fear he’ll get away, and maybe I do. He pulls my small panties to the side and slides a finger inside of me, brushing against the spot that’s now throbbing with need for him. I reach between us and grab his belt, quickly unbuckling it.
Ben’s lips are kissing and sucking on my neck as I tug at his pants button and zipper until I have both undone and have freed him from his briefs. He stops the slow steady movement of his finger inside of me and grips himself at my entrance. In one quick move he thrusts inside me. I bite my lip so I won’t call out and give away what we are doing in this small bathroom.
Our pace is frantic as we both take what we need from each other. There isn’t a slow, steady build this time, more like a manic climb to a devastating explosion as we climax together, burying our faces in each other so we can’t be heard.
Ben
It’s over for me. I’m completely lost in her. I’ve tried so hard all night to rein these feelings in, to watch from a distance as her date brushes against her and as she’s been pressed into his side. When I saw her dash to the bathroom, I could no longer resist. I needed to taste her and feel her against my skin.
What the fuck am I doing? I just fucked my sister’s close friend on the counter in her bathroom. I’ve lost every ounce of self-control and discretion. I just want her so badly. I kiss her lips again and tug on her bottom lip. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, and she pulls away and looks at me with a face full of questions.
“What are you sorry for?” she asks me, taking my face into her hands.
“You deserve better than this. I’m so sorry, beautiful.” I slide my hands up her thighs and tug at the hem of her dress. I watch as her eyes grow sad, and I think I see a quiver in her lip. “Fuck, no, don’t do that. Don’t regret it, please,” I say, pulling her face to mine to kiss her tenderly. “Please don’t regret me.”
“I don’t, Ben. I wanted this too—I want this.” The relief I feel is enormous, and I wrap my arms around her in a tight hug. Her body feels so small against mine and I slide her off the counter and help her get steady on her feet. I move my hands down the side of her dress and pull the hem down farther than it had been when she entered the bathroom alone. “How do you want to get out of here?”
Shit. We’re in the small bathroom at my sister’s place and there are still tons of party guests outside this door. I get myself put back together and Lori follows my lead, adjusting her dress and tucking a few strands of hair back into her knot. She’s stunningly beautiful and I just stand there watching her as she tries to cool her heated cheeks with the back of her hands.
I motion for her to be quiet and open the door a little. The hall looks empty, but I can’t see to the left without sticking my head all the way around. I hear Jackson’s voice from the side I can’t see. “Hurry the fuck up, it’s all clear.” I grab Lori’s hand and pull her into the hallway, letting her go so she can return to the party while I figure out how the hell I’m supposed to explain this to Jackson, who we find outside the bathroom door.
“Look, Jackson, it’s not—”
“The fuck it isn’t,” he says with a straight face. “You fuck this up and hurt your sister and you’ll answer to me. I’m not going to say anything right now, but just one wrong move and I’m not joking, Ben, I’m going to kick your ass for upsetting her.” He takes a sip from his glass and makes his way back to the party.
I wait a minute before exiting the hallway and looking for my date. I just want to get out of here and end this night. My date is tipsy, dancing with a small group of girls. I watch for a minute when I see Madeline dancing to the beat and swinging Lori around. Lori and I make eye contact for a second as she moves her hips to the beat of the music with my sister. Madeline giggles and then pulls her in for a hug, and all at once I feel like the biggest asshole there ever was.
I grab my date by the hand and tell her it’s time to go. She looks shocked at first, but then her lips curve into a smile and she nods. Great, she thinks I want to leave now because I want to take her home. I hope she isn’t too pissed when I drop her off at her place.
I see my brother Caleb as I’m leaving and he offers me a small half smile. He knows I don’t want to be here with this girl. I nod in his direction and then lean in c
lose to him as we pass each other. “Keep an eye on Lori for me.” He nods and I pull my date past the crowd and out to the car. The drive home is silent and a little awkward, but I say something about not feeling well and leave her with the doorman to her building. I know she didn’t buy my lie, but I don’t care.
After a shower and a few more beers, I decide to give up pacing and head into my room for the night. My phone chimes with a message and I practically break my feet running to get to it quickly. It’s from my brother and it just says that Lori wasn’t drunk but that she left with some guy. I thank him quickly for looking out for her and then climb under my covers.
It’s about an hour later when I hear a faint rapping at my front door. I make my way across the apartment and look through the peephole. It’s Lori, in her bright-blue dress. She’s dangling her heels off her finger and looking around the hall. I open the door and she ducks past me. Lori makes a small turn and faces me with the most adorable smile. “I hope you don’t mind. I asked Jackson where you live.”
I smile at her and shake my head. Of course, I don’t mind. I grab her hand and tug her down the hallway. When we get to my bedroom, I open a drawer and toss her one of my big T-shirts. She smiles from ear to ear and then turns her back to me so that I can unzip her dress. Lori puts my shirt on and then makes her way to my bed.
It strikes me how domesticated we seem, both climbing into our sides of the bed and cuddling up to each other. Her back is to my chest, and I scoop her to me so that we are as close as possible. She wiggles around for a minute to get comfortable, and I love the way her body feels against mine. When she finally finds a comfy spot, she entwines her fingers with mine on the hand around her waist and drifts off to sleep.
Lori
The first thing my brain registers when I wake up is the smell of Ben all around me. Sunlight filters in through the blinds, and I slowly open my eyes. I’m alone in Ben’s bed, still wrapped in his sheets and dressed in his shirt. I have no idea what time it is, but I’m guessing it is around seven in the morning. When I turn my head to look for a clock, I can see a note on the bedside table.
Lori,
I’m golfing with my dad. I have dinner with the guys tonight and I’m not sure how late that will go. Please stay as long as you want.
Wish I was still in bed with you.
Ben
I leave the warmth of the bed to find my phone. I don’t want to have to put my dress from last night back on and decide I can find a pair of shorts or something that will work so that I can get back to my place. I take a quick shower and find a new T-shirt and a pair of loose boxers in Ben’s drawer. Grabbing my dress and shoes, I leave, locking the door behind me.
Last night at the party it got very intense with Ben. I’m hoping Jackson doesn’t tell Madeline about any of this. I know she’ll be mad at Ben and me for bringing dates and then hooking up with each other in the bathroom. I guess I’ll hear from her if Jackson didn’t keep our secret.
I promised the girls I would meet up with them later, and I can’t wait to catch up with Abby and Madeline. Before I go out, though, I have a lot of work I have to do, so I head straight to my home office and get started. I try to remain focused on what I’m doing but my clothes smell like Ben, and I find myself closing my eyes and breathing him in. I think about changing since it’s obviously very distracting but can’t bring myself to take them off.
My phone chimes with a message sometime around lunch, and I grab it while heading into the kitchen for something to eat. It’s Ben, and I slide my finger across my phone frantically so I can read what he has sent.
Mr. Appendage: Are you still at my place?
Me: No, I’m home
Mr. Appendage: I was hoping to get to see you before dinner, but this game is running late. We have a few extra players and everyone is drinking beer, so I will barely have time to run in and change before I have to go
Me: You thought I was just hanging out at your place?
Mr. Appendage: A man can dream. And if I’m dreaming, you’re hanging out naked at my place
Me: Yep, you’re dreaming. I am, however, hanging out at my place with your clothes on
Mr. Appendage: I don’t believe you. Perhaps you could send proof in the form of a pic :)
His clothes are very big on me, so I have rolled the waist of his boxers up and tied his shirt at the corner. I take a picture showing mostly the small sliver of skin on my abdomen that is peeking out from above his boxers. I send it to him and wait for his response.
Mr. Appendage: I could probably make it to your house and then go to dinner
Me: I’m sorry, I have dinner with my friends tonight
Mr. Appendage: Damn. I’ll text you later. Gotta run, I’m up
I finish up my work and then take a quick shower and get ready for dinner. We’re going to some small local place, so I put on a pair of skinny jeans and a fitted tank top. I throw on my boots and decide to leave my hair down and put on a small amount of makeup.
Abby and Madeline pick me up and we quickly fall into a comfortable conversation about Abby’s plans to move. I remember the excitement of getting a new place with someone you love, but honestly nothing has felt as good and as calming as my latest home. There is a peace about knowing it’s all mine and every item in it was chosen because it makes me happy.
We pull up to the restaurant and file out of the car. Our table is ready immediately and we are shown to the back of the room, where we are seated. I order a glass of wine while we look over the menus, and another when our dinner arrives. It feels good to have work behind me and a glass of my favorite white wine in my hand.
We eat and talk about the two of them, and I find myself ordering another glass. As soon as the waitress brings it, the conversation turns to me and I instantly feel my cheeks flush and hope they think it’s the alcohol.
“So, Lori, how was the date with Anthony? He’s been asking you out for a while, right?” Madeline knows all about my relationships, and I had filled her in on my dating prospects after Max and I broke up. She knows a little about my relationship with Max, but no one knows the whole story.
“Great. He’s really sweet and cute. It was . . . it was good.” I smile at them and then look back at my glass of wine.
“I heard your brother had sex with some chick in the bathroom,” Abby says to Madeline, and I almost spit my wine out. I swallow it instead in a loud gulp and look at Madeline as she answers.
“Yep, that’s my brother for you. Brought a date and screwed someone else. I don’t know who it was, but I heard the same story. It got pretty crowded, and friends brought other friends, so at some point in the evening I had no idea who was there.” She shrugs and then drags a few fries through some ketchup before eating them. “I’m glad you dodged that bullet, Lori. It could have been a disaster.”
Abby laughs and takes a bite of her dinner. I’m speechless, left with a feeling that Ben and I are playing with fire. When Madeline starts talking again, I do my best to eat my dinner and not look horribly awkward hearing this story. “His date was pretty pissed, I guess. She didn’t say anything to him, though, because she had been warned that he was like that. I don’t know what it’s going to take to get him to date a woman more than once. Poor bathroom girl, he didn’t even walk her out.”
The conversation continues on in this fashion for at least another ten minutes. Ben’s sexual history is debated and discussed, and I try to act like it doesn’t bother me to hear about all of the women he has left, but if I’m honest, it does. It reminds me that my days with Ben are numbered, and I start to wonder when he will have had enough of me.
By the time dessert comes I’m feeling really depressed. I’m thinking about what a future without Ben would look like. Anthony suddenly doesn’t look so bad—at least our relationship could be out in the open and I wouldn’t be the mystery girl in stories of his sordid past.
I’m able to hide out in the backseat of the car and rest my
head as I listen to the girls talk about their plans and lives. I don’t feel like sharing, and I can’t talk about Ben, so that leaves me with very little to participate in the conversation with. When we get back to my place, both girls get out and give me big hugs. We say good night and I head inside and go straight to my room.
The night that I was looking forward to quickly became a reminder of how badly this is going to hurt when it’s over. I take my boots off and pull my covers back. I take my jeans off and unclasp and pull my bra out from under my shirt. That is all the energy I have. The wine has saturated my blood and my heart feels hopeless and heavy.
With a heavy heart I drift off to sleep.
Ben
Today is going to be the longest day ever. I dragged myself out of bed this morning when all I really wanted to do was stay there and watch Lori wake up next to me. Her warm body was pressed to mine, and I hated having to leave her to meet my dad on time.
I thought it was just going to be the two of us this round, but then Hugh Turner shows up, and I pray he didn’t bring his son. I watch as he steps out of the car to make his way to our cart. My prayers are answered when it’s only him.
“Hi, there,” my dad says as he shakes Hugh’s hand. I step forward and do the same.
“Hello. Thanks for letting me tag along. I haven’t played this course at all month and I’m worried I’ll get a little rusty,” he jokes.
“Where’s your boy?” Dad asks.
“Max can’t get it together. He’s been drinking a lot since this breakup and isn’t ever out of bed before ten on the weekends now. That girl really did a number on him.” He gazes down helplessly at the grass. I can’t figure out if he’s disappointed in Max or angry at Lori. The tension is thick as Hugh lets out a small whistle.
Letting Go Page 9