Mr. Appendage: Are you going to invite me over tonight?
Me: I won’t be much company. This week blew
Mr. Appendage: I’m only free tonight. Saturday is Jackson’s thing and Sunday I have golf with my dad in the morning and then dinner with the boys at night. We could plan for midweek if that works better?
Me: I can’t promise midweek. When are you leaving the office tonight?
Mr. Appendage: Probably not for another hour or two
Me: Security at the front desk of my building has a key. I’ll let them know to give it to you. Let yourself in. You can try to wake me . . . but I make no promises
Mr. Appendage: I can be pretty persuasive . . .
Me: So can my pillow
Mr. Appendage: Sleep tight until I get there, beautiful
I must have fallen asleep because I feel Ben lifting me up from the couch and can’t remember him even arriving. He kisses my forehead as he carries me down the hallway. His top few buttons are undone, and his tie is loosened and hanging to the side. He still smells amazing, and I wrap my arm around him as he brings me down the hall.
The covers on my bed have already been pulled back and the sheets feel heavenly under my skin. My couch is very comfy but falls a very far second to my bed. Ben sits down beside me and tells me in a whisper to lift my hips so he can get my skirt off. I do as I’m told and wait as he unzips my skirt and slides it down my legs. His hands find their way to my top shirt button and he undoes each of them slowly until my shirt is completely open. I sit up for a minute and pull my shirt off, half asleep but warming up by the second as I watch him watching me.
I unhook my bra and let it fall off as well, loving the way the air feels against my skin. I lie back down and wait as Ben slides his hands up my thighs. “I can’t decide if you are sexier with the garter or without,” he says almost to himself, and I smile at him as he studies me. When he sees my skin pebble, he mistakes it for being cold and reaches down and pulls the covers over my breasts.
“Stay with me tonight, Ben. I know I’m not great company, but I would love to spend a little time with you even if most of it’s spent sleeping.” He stands up next to the bed and pulls his tie off, then unbuttons the remaining buttons on his shirt and pulls it from his pants before removing it entirely. He’s absolutely stunning. His smooth skin is taut over large muscles, and I can’t take my eyes off of him as he unfastens his belt and removes his pants. Soon he’s standing in his boxer briefs, and I watch him in anticipation of his next move.
He leans over me and tenderly kisses my lips, and then stands back up and makes his way to the other side of my bed. Climbing in beside me, he pulls the covers up and rests his head on the pillow next to mine then drapes his arm across my stomach. I am tired and I know he is, too, but I can’t imagine just falling asleep after watching that beautiful strip show. I turn to face him and his eyes open and meet mine.
“Ben, are you really going to sleep right now?” I watch as a smile curves his lips.
“Yes, you said you were tired.” His eyes close again, and I know he’s teasing me now. I lift my head up and move in to kiss his neck, licking and sucking, loving the way I can feel his pulse pick up. I lift my leg and hook it around his hip, pulling him close to me so that I can feel him against me. His hand instinctively reaches out and splays across my hip, pulling me against him, creating a delicious friction.
My lips are against his and we slide our hands along each other’s bodies slowly. I lean my weight against him harder, pressing him onto his back as I climb on top of him. I’m straddling him and his hands pull at my thighs, sliding me against him as my head falls back. This man is so addicting. In one sharp move he grabs the sides of my panties and rips them from my body. I slide back and pull his briefs down to his knees and he kicks them off as I press against him.
“I thought you were tired,” he jokes as he pulls my neck down to kiss me. My heart is beating fast, and I know that this tenderness is becoming more than just “benefits.”
“I was, but you taste so good.” I lightly brush kisses down his throat and slide my tongue along his smooth skin. His eyes are focused on mine and there’s no doubt that he needs me right now as much as I need him. I can feel his muscles tighten as he reaches for my bedside drawer. I slide my hand up to stop his wrist.
Ben looks at me curiously. “What’s the matter?” he asks.
Looking into his eyes I shake my head to tell him there isn’t a problem. “When was the last time you were tested? I just went last week and I’m clear.” His hand slides up to the side of my face and he brings my eyes to his.
“Lori, I’m clean, too. I was tested a few weeks before the wedding and other than the waitress, there hasn’t been anyone else.” We have completely stilled now and are watching each other. This step in any relationship is pretty serious. The trust it requires is huge, and I wonder for a minute if maybe he isn’t ready. I have just thrust this relationship in a direction it wasn’t ever going to go.
“I’m on the pill, but I understand if you don’t trust me. Sorry, I just thought . . .” I look away from him for a minute so I can figure out how to explain that I just wanted us to be together without anything between us. But each time I try to put a sentence together, it sounds so premature now.
“Lori, I trust you. I’ve never trusted any woman like this before. I’m sorry—I’m just a little shocked by what’s going on in my head.” His free hand slides up my back and pulls me down to him so that our bodies are now tight against each other. His lips are on mine again, only something feels different this time.
As we kiss and stay so closely embraced, it’s as if sex is forgotten for a moment and we’re back to just being close and exploring each other. The hand that was on my back moves up and his fingers slide into my hair so that both hands are holding my face as he controls the kiss. It feels so tender and so consuming that there’s no chance for me to remind my heart that this is just sex between friends—almost strangers in our case.
Ben flips us so that I’m on my back and he’s over me. He is kissing me softly and brushing my hair from my face. His lips glide down my throat and his hand grips my hip as he uses his knee to spread my legs farther apart. “Lori are you sure about this?” he asks me as he pauses to look into my eyes. I nod and a small smile breaks across his face as he nods once back.
I pull my knees up, cradling his body between them, and he rests his weight on both elbows by my head. I’m looking into his eyes as I feel him press against my entrance and shift my hips up to guide him inside me. His eyes fall closed as he slides all the way into me slowly. He rests his forehead against mine for a moment as we both take in the feeling of being completely bare with each other. It’s not just in a physical sense; it’s something more.
His movements alternate between tender and impassioned. The room is dark and only a small sliver of moonlight peeks through the curtains. The silver light dances across his face and body as he moves over me, building my need higher and higher. When he feels me lift my hips to press harder against him, he begins a slow swivel of his hips that has me crashing over the edge almost immediately, bringing him with me.
We lie next to each other, staring at the ceiling not knowing what to say to one another. It’s different now, a connection that neither of us can deny. I think for a moment about asking what we should do next. Perhaps we need to get out of this little agreement before we both get in too deep. When I open my mouth to speak, Ben’s voice fills my ears and completely shatters my heart.
“I’m bringing a date to Jackson’s party tomorrow.”
Ben
I panicked. I’ve never been this close to a woman, and I don’t know what to do. Lori flinches at my words. I don’t know what the fuck that just was, but it wasn’t just a friendly fuck. I need to put some space back between us. If my family can feel even a small amount of the sexual tension and astonishing connection I have with Lori, I won’t be able to hide this relat
ionship from them. It kills me that I have to keep the distance between us.
I rest my forearm across my forehead and wait for her reply to my spontaneous bullshit boundary. I just had the most amazing sex with her, a connection I’ve never had with other girls, and now I’m stabbing her in the heart so that I don’t have to trust her to fake distance with my family tomorrow. I’ll be lucky if she ever lets me back in her bed. I should have just had a conversation with her to explain that we really have to be careful at the party. I open my mouth to explain but she beats me to it.
“Of course. That was the deal,” she says in such a nonchalant way that my head must spin at a crazy speed as I snap it around to watch her. Can she really be okay with this? Maybe I was the only one feeling something different that time. I watch her as she turns onto her side facing away from me. “I need to be up early to meet a friend for breakfast. Good night, Ben.” And with that she pulls the covers around her neck and falls asleep.
My heart is pounding so fast in my chest there is no way I can fall asleep here. Every caveman instinct in me demands that I wake her up and ask her how she could not be hurt by me taking someone else to the party. The thought of her with another man makes me furious and yet she can just roll over and go to sleep after I told her I was bringing another woman. Damn it.
After about five more minutes of listening to my heart hammer in my chest, I slide out of bed and find my clothes. I’m convinced I’ve completely read every signal wrong. I fucking panicked and created a huge space between us when I clearly didn’t need to because she was already miles away. I feel like throwing all the shit I’m now carrying down her hall against the damn wall.
Haphazardly dressed, I make my way to my car and start thinking of who I’m going to bring to this party tomorrow. I’d never intended to bring anyone until my big mouth got me into this. I remember Bethany, a girl who works in the department store where I buy a few things once in a while. I got her number about a month ago, so I pull it up on my phone and make a mental note to call it when it’s a reasonable hour.
As soon as I’m inside my car, I slam my hands onto the steering wheel until my fists hurt. Lori doesn’t care and I do; I have never had this happen and I fucking hate it. I barely remember the ride home and before I know it, I’m standing in my apartment as the sun starts to rise outside the windows. I climb into bed and try my hardest to fall asleep so that I can have some time to figure out what the hell I’m going to do at that party. It’s not easy, but after a few agonizing minutes I drift off to sleep.
***
My phone is ringing and I try hard to open my eyes. It’s Madeline, and I slide my finger across the screen and answer her call groggily. “Hi, Madeline.”
“Hey, Ben. I’m sorry if I woke you. I just wanted to see if you were still coming tonight?” she asks me.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t miss it. You need me to grab anything on my way over?” I ask but hope she has it all covered.
“No, no, we’re all good. I was just wondering if you were bringing Lori,” she says, and I want to chuck my phone across the room.
“No, Madeline, that didn’t work out. I’m bringing someone else.” I can hear her sigh of relief and roll my eyes even though she can’t see me.
“Didn’t fall for your bullshit, huh?” she asks, and I chuckle at how wrong she is. Lori fell for my bullshit and she did it with a contentment that makes my blood boil.
“Something like that,” I say noncommittally.
“If I call her and she hates your guts, I’m going to be so pissed, Ben. If you had sex with her and then just dropped her, I will hate you.” She’s serious and it brings me back to my somber mood.
“I didn’t do that, Madeline.” I want to tell her that Lori is the one who had the sex without any commitments. It was her idea that we do this little arrangement. My sister and I say our good-byes and I promise to come a little early in case Jackson needs some help moving stuff around for the party.
As soon as I hang up with my sister, I call Bethany.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I say, the endearment slipping easily from my mouth.
“Ben! I didn’t think you’d call. You asked for my number so long ago.” The excitement in her voice makes me feel guilty. It’s the first time I can ever remember feeling guilty for what I am about to do.
“It’s my bad. I saved it under the store name and have been looking for it for weeks. Sometimes I’m in such a rush I don’t pay attention like I should.” Lies, lies, lies. I always pay attention. I don’t let myself get rushed. Bethany is in my phone, easy to find with a physical description along with a quick reminder that she mentioned she liked seafood. A cheat code, if you will, for if I ever want a quick way in. I grit my teeth. Why do I feel disgusted with myself?
“Of course. You’re a busy man. I don’t mind. I’m just glad you found it. I’m flattered.” Her voice moves from excitement to sultry as she gains a little confidence with my lies.
“Hey, listen,” I instruct. “I have a party to attend later and I was hoping you would accompany me. Sorry for the late notice. I have really been trying to find your number.”
“I’d love to! You can stop apologizing. It’s so cute that you cared that much. Just let me know what time and what I should wear.” Her voice trails off and I can hear rustling like she’s suddenly frantically moving through the house on her end of the line. Her sudden sense of urgency on my behalf only makes me feel worse. I wish this invite was genuine.
“It’s at my sister’s place so look good, but no need to be too fancy. I’m sure you’ll be fine in whatever you choose. You always look great when I see you at work.” And she did. She was cute in her tight dresses and classy heels. She’d been helping order my suits and ties for months. “I’ll pick you up around seven.”
I let my phone drop to the pillow beside me. I’m disgusted with myself and don’t want the vehicle for my dirty deeds in my hand any longer. I roll over and face away from the offending technology and try to close my eyes against what I’m about to do tonight. With one deep breath I fight to not roll over and call the whole thing off.
Lori
It took all the strength I had to steady my voice and let Ben think I was okay with him bringing a date. It’s what we agreed to in the beginning, I just wasn’t expecting that to be the first thing he’d say to me after we shared that tenderness. I need to get my heart and head to understand that I’m only a friend with benefits for him. He didn’t even stay the night, just had sex and then left.
It hard for me to get out of bed this morning. I might understand in my head that we are supposed to be friends with benefits, but for some reason there’s a sharp pain in my heart and my stomach is knotted and rolling beneath my ribs. My eyes sting with tears that want to fall, but I’m too stubborn to let them. I knew what this was going in, it was my idea even, so I can’t be sad about it. So why do I feel a golf-ball sized lump in my throat? I roll over and squeeze my head inside my pillow. I need to pull it together. I have to get on with my day even if I feel like there’s now a heavy weight sitting on my chest.
I go on my morning jog and try to run through my options in my head. If he’s bringing a date tonight, there’s no way I’m showing up alone. I remember Anthony from accounting and decide that he’s my best last-minute option. After my shower I call him and he agrees to go. I plan on spending the afternoon finding a dress to wear and some killer heels. I never had any breakfast plans with a friend, just needed a reason to have to go straight to sleep.
The day flies by and before I know it, it’s already four and I’m sitting in my bathtub relaxing. I haven’t heard from Ben all day, but maybe that’s for the best, so that the fog can clear from my head and I can see our relationship for what it is. I shave and exfoliate, loving the small amount of time I have to pamper myself. When I get out, I dry my hair and twist it into a small knot at my neck.
The dress I chose is a bright blue; it’s open on my back and the hem
falls about halfway to my knees. I skip a bra, loving that the designer thought to build one into the dress. I don’t usually wear tiny underwear, but the dress hugs my curves so tight that tonight I have no choice but to wear panties that can’t be seen.
I rub a little lotion on my legs and slip my feet into a pair of tall silver heels, buckling the tiny buckle at each ankle. Anthony should be here to get me in about fifteen minutes, so I finish up my makeup and put a little gloss on my lips. My stomach is in knots about seeing Ben with his date, but I need to remember not to let my insecurities get the best of me.
Anthony is right on time, but I decide it might be best if we’re not early to the party, so I invite him inside to have a glass of wine. I know within a few minutes of our conversation that I’m not really interested, and I feel bad that I’m dragging him into this whole thing. He’s sweet enough, but we lack the strong attraction that I feel with Ben. Anthony is soft-spoken and timid. He has told me all about his trip to Cabo with his sister and the way he can’t wait to get his years in so he can retire. He isn’t driven the way Ben is, and his definition of excitement would be staying up until ten on a work night. When I feel like I can’t possibly come up with anything else to talk to him about, I stand and ask him if we should head over to the party.
My heart races as we turn onto Maddy’s street. I know that my cheeks are flushed from the heated blood racing through my body at the thought of seeing Ben. Anthony opens my door for me and then guides me up to the house. He’s my height while I’m in heels, which normally would be very exciting to me, but after my time with Ben, it seems he falls a little short. His light curly hair is messy, and I’m sure other girls would die to run their fingers through it, but I can’t help but think of the way Ben keeps his perfectly combed back neat to accentuate his clean-shaved jawline. Anthony sports a goatee, which is never my favorite facial hair look. I’m annoying myself with all the critiques, so I take a second to breathe in a large breath and remind myself this isn’t a competition and Anthony is a great guy doing me a huge favor even if he doesn’t know he’s doing it.
Letting Go Page 8