Loveless

by Alice Oseman

  There was only one way to find out.

  ‘What is going on?’ Jason asked, stepping into the room and frowning at our odd get-ups. I’d missed him. God, I’d missed him and his fluffy jacket and soft smile. ‘Why are you – what are you do –’

  His eyes widened suddenly. He clocked Sunil’s skirt. My oversized green T-shirt and brown trousers. Rooney’s little green scarf and purple tights.

  ‘Oh my God,’ he said.

  He dropped his bag on the floor.

  ‘Oh. My. God,’ he said.

  ‘Surprise!’ I cried, holding out my hands and the dog plushie I’d found at one of the high street charity shops. Rooney flipped her hair back and posed as Daphne, while Sunil shouted ‘JINKIES!’ and pushed up his Velma glasses.

  Jason put his hand on his heart. For a second, I was terrified that he was annoyed or upset. But then he smiled. A big, toothy smile. ‘Why the actual HELL – literally what the FUCK. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DRESSED AS THE SCOOBY GANG?’

  ‘There’s a fancy-dress club night tonight,’ I said, grinning. ‘I … I thought this would be fun.’

  Jason approached us. And then he just started laughing. Slowly, at first, but then louder. He took the dog plushie from my hand and looked at it, and then it was almost hysterics.

  ‘Scooby’s –’ he gasped through his laughs – ‘Scooby’s supposed – to be – a Great Dane – and this – is a pug!’

  I started laughing with him. ‘It was the best I could do! Don’t laugh!’

  ‘You’ve cast Scooby –’ he literally started wheezing – ‘you’ve cast Scooby as a pug – what is this – absolute defamation?’

  He doubled over, and then we were just cry-laughing while he was holding the tiny pug plushie.

  It took a few minutes for us to calm down, Jason wiping the tears from his face. In that time, Rooney had taken the final items of clothing we’d bought today out of the carrier bag and held them up to Jason – a white jumper, orange scarf and blonde wig.

  He looked at them.

  ‘My time,’ he said, ‘has come.’

  ‘So you really like Scooby-Doo?’ Sunil asked Jason later that night, once we’d made it to the club. It was packed full of students dressed as everything from superheroes to giant whisks.

  ‘More than most things in this world,’ said Jason.

  We danced. We danced a lot. And for the first time since getting to this university, I actually enjoyed it. All of it. The loud music, the sticky floor, the drinks served in tiny plastic cups. The old classics this club was playing, the drunk girls we befriended in the bathroom because of the pug plushie I’d been carrying around, Rooney slinging her arm over my shoulder, tipsy, swaying along to ‘Happy Together’ by The Turtles and ‘Walking on Sunshine’ by Katrina and the Waves, Sunil grabbing Jason by the hands and forcing him to do the macarena even though he thought it was cringey.

  Everything was better because of my friends. If they hadn’t been there, I would have hated it. I would have wanted to go home.

  I kept an eye on Rooney. There was one point in the night where she started drunkenly chatting and laughing with another group of people, students I’d never even seen before, and I wondered whether she was going to do her thing and abandon us.

  But when I grabbed her hand, she turned away from them and looked at me, her face flashing different colours under the lights, and she seemed to remember why she was here. She remembered that she had us.

  And I pulled her back to where Jason and Sunil were jumping up and down to ‘Jump Around’ by House of Pain, and we started jumping, and she smiled right in my face.

  I knew she was still hurting. I was too. But for a moment she seemed happy. So, so happy.

  All in all, I had one of the best nights of my university life.

  ‘I’m screaming,’ said Rooney, with a mouthful of pizza as we walked through Durham back to our colleges. ‘This is the best thing I have ever had in my mouth.’

  ‘That’s what she said,’ said Jason, which set Rooney off on a laughing fit that quickly turned into a coughing fit.

  I bit into my own pizza slice, agreeing with Rooney. Something about a hot takeaway pizza in the middle of the night in the freezing northern winter was, to be frank, heavenly.

  Jason and I walked side by side, Rooney and Sunil walking a little way ahead, engaged in discussion about the best pizza place in Durham.

  I hadn’t yet had a chance to talk to Jason one-on-one. Until now. I didn’t really know how to start. How to apologise for everything. How to ask if there was a chance we could be friends again.

  Fortunately, he spoke first.

  ‘I wish Pip was here,’ he said. ‘She would have loved tonight.’

  It wasn’t what I expected him to say, but as soon as he did, I realised how right he was.

  Jason snorted. ‘I have such a clear vision of her dressed up as Scooby-Doo, doing the Scooby-Doo voice.’

  ‘Oh my God. Yes.’

  ‘I can literally hear it. And it’s terrible.’

  ‘She would be terrible.’

  We both laughed. Like everything was back to normal.

  But it wasn’t.

  Not until we talked about it.

  ‘I’m …’ I started to say, but stopped myself, because it didn’t feel like enough. Nothing I could say felt like enough.

  Jason turned to face me. We’d just reached one of the many bridges that stretched over the River Wear.

  ‘Are you cold?’ he asked. ‘You can borrow my jacket.’

  He started to take it off. God. I didn’t deserve him.

  ‘No, no. I was gonna say … I was gonna say I’m sorry,’ I said.

  Jason pulled his jacket back on. ‘Oh.’

  ‘I’m so sorry for … everything. I’m just so sorry for everything.’ I stopped walking because I could feel myself welling up and I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I really, really didn’t want to cry. ‘I love you so much and … trying to date you was the worst thing I’ve ever done.’

  Jason stopped walking.

  ‘It was pretty bad, wasn’t it?’ he said, after a pause. ‘We were very shit at it.’

  This made me laugh, despite everything.

  ‘You didn’t deserve to be treated like that,’ I continued, trying to get it all out now while I had the chance.

  Jason nodded. ‘That is true.’

  ‘And I need you to know that it was nothing to do with you – you’re – you’re perfect.’

  Jason smiled, and attempted to flip the hair of his wig. ‘Also true.’

  ‘I’m just – I’m just different. I just can’t feel that stuff.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Jason nodded again. ‘You’re … asexual? Or aromantic?’

  I froze. ‘What – wait, you know what those are?’

  ‘Well … I’d heard of them. And when you messaged me I made the connection and then I went and looked them up and, yeah. That sounded like what you were describing.’ He looked alarmed suddenly. ‘Am I wrong? I’m so sorry if I got it wrong …’

  ‘No, no – you’re right.’ I let out a breath. ‘I-I am. Uh, both of them. Aro-ace.’

  ‘Aro-ace,’ Jason repeated. ‘Well.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  He slotted his hand into mine and we resumed walking.

  ‘You didn’t reply to my message, though,’ I pointed out.

  ‘Well … I was really upset.’ He stared at the ground. ‘And … I couldn’t really talk to you while I was … still in love with you.’

  There was a long pause. I had no idea what to say to that.

  Eventually, he said, ‘D’you know when I first realised I liked you?’

  I looked up at him, not sure where this was going. ‘When?’

  ‘When you clapped back at Mr Cole that time during Les Mis rehearsals.’

  Clapped back? I couldn’t remember a time when I’d clapped back at a teacher, let alone Mr Cole, the authoritarian director of our school plays in the sixth form.

  ‘I don
’t remember that,’ I said.

  ‘Really?’ Jason chuckled. ‘He was shouting at me because I’d told him I had to miss a rehearsal that afternoon to go to a dentist appointment. And you were there, and he turned to you and said, Georgia, you agree with me, right? Jason is Javert, he’s a key role and he should have organised his appointment for another time. And you know what Mr Cole was like – anyone who disagreed with him was officially his enemy. But you just looked him in the eyes and were like, Well, it’s too late to change it now, so there’s no point shouting at Jason about it. And that just shut him right up and he stormed away to his office.’

  I did remember this incident. But I didn’t think I’d been particularly forceful or bold. I’d just tried to stand up for my best friend who was clearly in the right.

  ‘It just made me think … Georgia might be kind of quiet and shy, but she’d stand up to a scary teacher if one of her friends was being shouted at. That’s the sort of person you are. It made me feel certain that you truly cared about me. And I guess that’s when I started … you know, falling for you.’

  ‘I still care about you that much,’ I said immediately, even though I didn’t think what I’d said to Mr Cole was particularly special or brave. I still wanted Jason to know that I cared about him exactly as much as he’d thought in that moment.

  ‘I know,’ he said with a smile. ‘That’s partly why I needed some space away from you. To get over you.’

  ‘Did you get over me?’

  ‘I … I’m trying. It’s going to take time. But I’m trying.’

  I subconsciously withdrew my hand from his. Was I making this worse for him just by being around him?

  He noticed this happen and there was a pause before he spoke again.

  ‘When you told me why you dated me, I … I mean, obviously I was crushed,’ he continued. ‘I felt like … you just didn’t care about me at all. But after I got your message, I think I started to realise that you’ve just … you’ve been so confused about stuff. You really thought we could be together, because you do love me. Not in a romantic way, but just as strongly. You’re still that person who stuck up for me to Mr Cole. You’re still my best friend.’ He glanced at me. ‘You and me not being a couple doesn’t change that at all. I haven’t lost anything, just because we’re not dating.’

  I listened, stumped, taking a moment to figure out what he meant.

  ‘You’re OK with – with just being friends?’ I asked.

  He smiled and took my hand again. ‘“Just friends” makes it sound like being friends is worse. I think this is better, personally, considering how terrible that kiss was.’

  I squeezed his hand. ‘I agree.’

  We reached the end of the bridge, crossing back into a cobbled alleyway. Jason’s face ducked in and out of darkness as we passed the streetlamps. When his face came into the light again, he was smiling, and I thought, possibly, I was forgiven.

  Sunil peered at Jason’s framed photo of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr for a solid few seconds before tapping it and asking, ‘Would somebody like to explain this, please?’

  ‘It’s a really long story,’ said Jason, who was sitting on his bed.

  ‘It’s a good story, though,’ I added. Me and Rooney were on the floor with Jason’s pillows as back rests, though Rooney was having a small power nap.

  ‘Well, now I’m even more intrigued.’

  Jason sighed. ‘How about I explain once we’ve actually decided what we’re doing about Pip?’

  It was a week after our Scooby-Doo outing. With Jason back in the Shakespeare Soc, things were looking up, and we’d actually been able to have a proper rehearsal.

  But we couldn’t do the show without Pip.

  And it wasn’t just about that, anyway. The society was important to all of us, but our friendship with Pip was more important. That was what needed saving.

  I just didn’t know exactly how I was going to do that.

  ‘We’re talking about Pip?’ said Rooney, who had apparently just woken up.

  Rooney was still going out most nights and returning in the early hours. I didn’t know whether I could stop her, or if I even should. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, technically.

  I just got the sense that she only did it to numb everything else.

  ‘I thought we were rehearsing,’ I said.

  ‘There’s no point carrying on with rehearsals if Pip isn’t coming back,’ Jason stated, and there was silence as we all realised that he was right.

  Sunil perched on Jason’s desk and folded his arms. ‘So … do you have any suggestions?’

  ‘Well, I’ve been talking to her, and –’

  ‘Wait, you’ve been talking to her?’ Rooney said, sitting upright.

  ‘It’s not me she has a feud with. We’re still friends. We’re at the same college.’

  ‘You can get her to come back, then. She’ll listen to you.’

  ‘I’ve tried.’ Jason shook his head. ‘She is angry. And Pip doesn’t forgive easily.’ He looked at me and Rooney. ‘I mean … I sort of understand why. What you both did was incredibly idiotic.’

  Jason knew about the kiss. Of course he did – Pip probably told him everything. I felt myself go red out of sheer embarrassment.

  ‘What did you do?’ Sunil asked curiously.

  ‘They kissed and Pip saw,’ said Jason.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Um … can we explain our side of the story about that?’ Rooney asked.

  ‘I mean my guess is that you were drunk and it was Rooney’s idea,’ said Jason. ‘And you both instantly regretted it.’

  ‘OK, that’s … that’s fairly accurate.’

  ‘So what should we do?’ asked Sunil.

  ‘I think Georgia and Rooney are just going to have to keep trying to talk to her until she’s willing to listen. Maybe one at a time, so she doesn’t feel like you’re ganging up on her.’

  ‘When?’ I said. ‘How?’

  ‘Now,’ said Jason. ‘I think one of you should go to her room and just apologise to her face. You haven’t actually tried apologising in person yet, have you?’

  Neither Rooney nor I said anything.

  ‘That’s what I thought.’

  An idea flashed into my mind. ‘Pip’s jacket. One of us should go and give her back her jacket.’

  Rooney snapped her head round to me. ‘Yes. That’s been in our room for, like, months.’

  ‘Want me to run back and get it?’

  But Rooney was already getting to her feet.

  Once she returned from St John’s with Pip’s denim jacket in hand, Rooney demanded that she be the one to go to talk to Pip. She didn’t even let me argue with her – she just swung the door open, stepped outside, and said, ‘Which way is her room?’

  Rooney still blamed herself for the whole thing, it seemed. Even though Pip had many more reasons to be angry with me.

  I went with her part of the way, but stopped round a corner a few metres away so I could listen to the conversation. It was evening, and dinner had finished, so hopefully Pip would be there.

  Rooney knocked on Pip’s door. I wondered what she was going to say.

  Was this a terrible idea?

  Too late.

  The door opened.

  ‘Hi,’ said Rooney. And then there was a noticeable silence.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ asked Pip. Her voice was low. It was strange hearing Pip so genuinely sad. I hadn’t heard her like that very much before … all of this.

  ‘I …’

  I expected Rooney to launch into a big speech of some sort. To deliver a heartfelt and forceful apology.

  Instead, she said, ‘Um – your … jacket.’

  There was another silence.

  ‘OK,’ said Pip. ‘Thanks.’

  The door creaked, and I peeked round the corner just as Rooney swung out her arm to keep the door open.

  ‘Wait!’ she cried.

  ‘What? What do you want?’ I couldn’t
see Pip – she was too far inside her room – but I could tell she was getting annoyed.

  Rooney was panicking. ‘I … Why is your room so messy?’

  This was definitely the wrong thing to say.

  ‘You literally cannot stop yourself from making snidey comments about me, can you?’ Pip snapped.

  ‘Wait, sorry, that’s not what I –’

  ‘Can’t you just leave me alone? I feel like you’re haunting me, or something.’

  Rooney swallowed. ‘I just wanted to say sorry. Like … properly. To your face.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Georgia’s here too.’

  I felt my stomach drop as Rooney pointed towards where I was hiding round the corner. This hadn’t been the plan.

  For someone who supposedly knew a lot about romance, Rooney sure as hell didn’t know how to pull off a grand gesture

  Pip stepped a little way out of her room to look, her expression dark.

  ‘I don’t want to talk to either of you,’ she said, her voice cracking, and she turned to go back inside.

  ‘Hang on!’ I was surprised by my own voice leaving my mouth, and by the way I scrambled towards Pip’s room.

  And there she was. Her hair was fluffy and unstyled, and she was wearing a hoodie and jersey shorts. Her bedroom was extremely messy, even for her. She was clearly upset.

  But she wasn’t as angry as the other week outside the pub.

  Was that progress?

  ‘We thought it might be better if just one of us spoke to you,’ I blurted. ‘But – um, yeah. We’re both here. And we’re both really sorry for … you know. Everything that happened.’

  Pip said nothing. She waited for us to continue, but I didn’t know what else to say.

  ‘That’s it, then?’ she said, eventually. ‘I’m supposed to just … forgive you?’

  ‘We just want you to come back to the Shakespeare Soc,’ said Rooney, but this was, again, definitely the wrong thing to say.

  Pip laughed. ‘Oh my God! I should have guessed. This isn’t even about me – you just need your fifth member for the fucking Shakespeare Society. Oh my God.’

  ‘No, that’s not what –’

  ‘I have no idea why you care so much about your stupid play but why the fuck would I put myself through that with someone who made me think there was the tiniest chance she liked me back, and then decided to get off with my best friend?’ Pip shook her head. ‘I was right all along. You just hate me.’