Escape to Giddywell Grange

by Kim Nash

  I had some serious thinking to do. What did I do now? What would the time ahead hold for me? Ronington’s PR & Marketing was everything to me; I’d thrown my heart and soul into that company for the last twelve years.

  I really didn’t know what I was going to do with myself going forward and it was hugely worrying. What was I going to do with the rest of my life? How was I going to cope? What was I going to do for money? Would I have to go back to live with Mum and give up this flat? How did I actually feel about that? So many questions were running through my mind and it was overwhelming.

  When I heard of other people losing their jobs in this way, I always wondered what sort of person it happened to. But now I'd been made redundant myself, I realised that anyone could be affected like this. How life could change in a heartbeat. And right now the overriding feeling I had was that I clearly must be totally useless and they didn’t want or need me.

  I always thought I’d be settled in life by now, with a family of my own, juggling work and home life effectively, but at the grand old age of thirty-seven, I was single and childless. I’d always been the successful one, the one who left Giddywell to make a fantastic life for herself elsewhere. But now? I felt like such a loser. What would people think?

  My heart began to beat faster once more as I focused again on what had happened to me. It had come as such a shock. This morning I was going to work thinking I was going to be promoted and bang! Not only did I not get the promotion that I was expecting, now I didn’t have a job at all.

  As I started to feel nauseous again, I grabbed the back of the sofa for support. A wooziness took over my body and I had so much stuff going through my head, I felt like it was going to explode. So many questions to answer. I hadn’t felt this discombobulated since everything happened with Jamie.

  This wasn’t me. My life was sorted. I was busy from early on a Monday morning to late on a Friday night and I worked most weekends too from home. Living alone and rushing around all the time meant that most days I didn’t bother with breakfast, grabbing a sandwich from a petrol station which I ate while driving and dining on ready meals each night which probably weren’t all that good for my health or my weight. Which was probably why my backside wasn’t getting any smaller these days.

  I wasn’t one for wasting time, even if it was just a few seconds. When I got up in the morning, I had my little routine where I filled the kettle and flicked it on while I went to the loo, so that the kettle was boiled when I got back, saving me valuable minutes of standing around doing nothing. While filling the sink with water to do the washing up, I’d be wiping the already sterile sides down. It was almost like I had to fill every second of my life with doing something.

  I’m not sure when I started to do that. Probably when my thoughts started to overtake everything and I filled every second of my time with activity of some sort to stop me thinking. It struck me now though, that I didn’t know how to relax. And right now, I felt like I didn’t even know what my purpose in life was. My breath started to speed up once more and I recognised the feeling that I hated. I was going to have to revert to my failsafe coping strategy which always calmed me down. I was going to have to make a list.

  What did I need to do next? What steps did I need to take to move my life forward?

  Buy a computer

  Buy an iPad

  Buy a car (in a month my company car would go back)

  Find a job

  Invest my redundancy money

  Write a CV (blimey, haven’t done one of those for years!)

  Fill my time (that was a list on its own)

  The phone rang and Mum’s name flashed up.

  ‘Maddy darling, it’s me. Mum.’ Normally I got quite annoyed when I received a call from Mum because a) she always called at the most inconvenient times and b) she always told me who it was despite the fact that her name flashed up in blooming big letters on the screen.

  ‘I’m sorry to bother you. I know you must be busy, but do you have one minute for me to ask you a very quick question? I know I’m a pain and I won’t keep you long. I promise. I just can’t think of anyone else to ask.’

  I realised that for the first time in a very long while, I had all the time in the world to chat to Mum and she sounded delighted when I offered to pop round early afternoon instead of chatting on the phone. She said she’d make me lunch. I tried to remember when I last saw her and thought it must have been a good couple of months ago. What sort of a daughter must I be to not see my mum for that long, when she only lived twenty minutes away and for her to start the conversation with ‘sorry to bother you’?

  Looking at the clock, I realised that there were still three hours before I went to see her. What had happened this morning was only just over an hour and a half ago yet it seemed like hours had passed. My head was thumping, but I realised that I didn’t have to find the answers right this very minute, so I tumbled into bed, pulled the covers up over my shoulders as I felt a little cold and shivery and surprisingly, slept.

  * * *

  When I woke, it took a couple of minutes for me to remember why I was in bed when it was light outside. Looking at the bedside clock, and realising that it was 12.24, reality came flooding back and hit me like a ton of bricks. Breathe, Maddy. Breathe! I told myself.

  While I really wanted to wallow in bed and feel sorry for myself, I realised that could only be the start of a very slippery slope, so I dragged myself out of bed and over to my walk-in wardrobe, where I saw that my cleaner must have been in at some point early this morning as it was filled with my ironed clothes.

  I supposed that was something I would have to start doing for myself if I didn’t have a job. How was I going to afford a cleaner? And did I really need one when I was at home all day? I hadn’t done my own cleaning for years.

  Instinctively, I went to grab a suit and blouse, then realised I was going to Mum’s so I chose a pair of jeans and a casual shirt that was right at the back and that I hadn’t worn for ages, because I was always working. Even when I was at home, I always wore something reasonably smart, just in case I had to go into work at the drop of a hat.

  Catching sight of myself in the bathroom mirror, I realised that I should probably sort my face out before I scared any small children that may be around. Not sure the Alice Cooper look was really me!

  I used a little concealer under my eyes in an effort to hide the dark circles and red rims, brushed a little blusher over my cheeks, gave my lashes a lick of mascara and finished off with a little rosy pink lip gloss. I normally wore my hair in an efficient bun, but I really couldn’t be bothered right then, so just ran my fingers through it and gave it a shake so it fell in natural waves around my shoulders. I was sure Mum wouldn’t mind and to be honest right now I didn’t have the energy to even worry about it. Jamie would never have wanted to see me like this and I’d never go to work in this dishevelled state.

  Work! All of a sudden, it hit me that I wouldn’t be going back to Ronington’s. Ever. I had put my heart and soul into a job which I thought defined me, where I had thought I was valuable and part of something amazing. I knew it was my choice, to put my own life on hold, but it was only now that I realised that I had given far more out than I ever got back and that when the chips were down, a company had to do what they had to do and if that meant that you were a casualty then that was just the way it was. Sometimes life seemed very unfair.

  Chapter Three

  As I walked up the front path of my childhood home, a path I’d walked up a million times, the door flung open. Mum had clearly been waiting for me to arrive. ‘Oh Madison, it is so lovely to see you.’ She hugged me tightly, then pulled away and looked me up and down.

  ‘Your hair looks so pretty like that darling; you should wear it like that more often. It really suits you.’ She stood back and studied my face closely.

  ‘Your eyes are red. And what are you doing here in the middle of the day? Are you ill, darling?’

  Mum being so lovely overwhelme
d me. I had been determined to hold it together but I couldn’t help bursting into tears. ‘Oh Mum. I’ve… I’ve been made redundant.’

  ‘Oh darling, what a shock for you. But don’t worry. We’ve always been able to get through anything life throws at us, haven’t we? And this won’t be any different. Come here.’ She wrapped me in her arms and I suddenly felt safe, realising that the one person I’d been pushing away for so long was the person I really needed to be close to right now, because she made me feel protected. I thought back to my childhood, a really happy time, with just Mum and me against the world. We were such a close-knit little family and I loved her more than I imagined any other child loved their mum because mine was really special. I’d never had a father in my life, so she was my mum and dad rolled into one and she spent her whole life doing everything she could to make me happy even if it meant working lots of jobs all at the same time, to bring the money in to keep a roof over our heads.

  When had I stopped feeling that way about her, I wondered? When had I started to feel like she was a nuisance in my life? I’d grown into someone who was so work-orientated, I’d forgotten about the person who had brought me into this world and loved me unconditionally, who had put her life on hold to concentrate on me. God, I thought, I must be an awful person. Why did it take something like this to make me realise?

  ‘Let’s go and have a cuppa and you can tell me all about what happened.’ Normally, when Mum said that to me, I got irritated and told her I didn’t have time, but time was probably the only thing that I did have now and I wanted her to help me. I wanted her to make everything feel better like only my mum could.

  As we walked towards the kitchen, she opened the cupboard under the stairs and hung my coat on the pegs behind the door and I sighed as I breathed in the familiar smell of the home I grew up in. The home that Mum had poured her heart and soul into and lovingly made for us. The walls seemed to be ingrained with the mixture of aromas of baking bread, coffee and lilies; all the things an estate agent tells you that you should have around when you are trying to sell your house

  Home was a 1920s honey-coloured, stone cottage in the village of Giddywell, Staffordshire, where the small population of just over one thousand people all knew each other’s business. The village consisted of one pub, The Dog and Duck, a small supermarket which somehow managed to stock everything you ever needed, St Saviour’s Church, a Chinese take-away, and a specialist bike shop, which was quite handy when you lived near the colossal forest of Cannock Chase, which was stunningly beautiful and full of dog-walkers and bikers. Our cottage overlooked the village green and a pretty little duck pond and probably had one of the best spots in the village.

  After I’d left school, I didn’t appreciate it at all and couldn’t wait to get away but right now it felt like it was just where I needed to be.

  I told her about my awful morning and she held me in her arms while I cried again. ‘Come on my darling, you have a good old cry now. Better out than in.’ This was a phrase I’d heard many times over the years.

  ‘Do you know Madison, sometimes things happen in our lives which are a blessing to us eventually but we don’t realise it at the time. Perhaps this has happened because you need a change. This could be an opportunity for you to do something different. Change sometimes is good, even if it comes about because it has to, rather than because it’s your choice.’

  Maybe Mum was right, but I just couldn’t get my head around it. I had worked my whole adult life, never having any time off. Except the sickness absence I needed to get over what happened with Jamie.

  Now was not the time to be thinking of that, though. I had enough to worry about.

  ‘Perhaps it’s time to rethink your life and consider other options. Maybe there’s something you’ve always had a burning desire to do. Set up on your own; you are clearly good at what you do or they wouldn’t have kept you for twelve years.’

  ‘But now I’m wondering if I ever was that good, Mum. If I was, why would they get rid of me?’

  ‘Sometimes, companies have to make sacrifices, darling. I know it’s hard and I know it’s all you’ve ever known but it could be a godsend too. Maybe time will tell.’

  I just couldn’t see that right now though. All I felt was hurt and sad and disappointed and my pride had been severely dented. I felt like a fool.

  Mum served us both up a dish of homemade chicken and vegetable soup and crusty bread and butter. It surprised me how hungry I was, although I hadn’t grabbed any breakfast that morning, and I devoured the whole dishful.

  After lunch she took me through to the lounge and made me lie on the settee while she tucked me up under the cashmere throw that I bought for her last Christmas. I felt like a little girl again being looked after by her mum and it felt good. Really good. We watched a couple of programmes on TV about antiques and their value and a programme about people who wanted to relocate abroad, that didn’t take any concentration but just got my mind off stuff for the moment.

  ‘Oh darling, I completely forgot to tell you the reason why I wanted to speak to you earlier. Lynne and John next door have just become grandparents for the first time. Isn’t that wonderful? Curtis and Holly had a little girl yesterday morning. Isn’t that lovely? Lynne popped round to tell me last night. They are all obviously over the moon and the whole reason for me calling you in the first place was to see if you could think of something that I could buy them? A little keepsake of some kind.’

  This news stung a little I must admit but I tried not to show it.

  ‘Oh that’s nice news, I’ll have a think.’

  Mum was so excited for them and it made me feel even sadder and even more of a failure for not being able to give her the same joy in her life.

  Raindrops appeared on the window, and Mum said she needed to get the washing off the line and I watched her through the French doors. They were her pride and joy; she’d saved up for years for them and they’d changed the lounge dramatically. This home was so cosy and welcoming. I looked around the room and inhaled the familiarity. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done this. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I had come home, properly home, without just popping by. Working all hours meant that I prioritised work and not my family, which I regretted somewhat, now that they had got rid of me. I should have made more time for Mum. I really should. Why didn’t I see it then? Too busy thinking of myself, I guessed, and putting work first. Always rushing, always having to get back to do something for work. And look how that had turned out.

  ‘Stay here for the rest of the day darling and let me look after you. I know you probably won’t want to but you could stay the night, you know. Your room hasn’t changed a bit. All your things are still here. There’s even some of your teenage pyjamas. I’m sure they’ll still fit you.’

  ‘You don’t have to look after me, Mum. I’m a grown woman.’

  She grinned wearily. ‘Oh I know I don’t have to, darling, but you have to remember that you will always be my little girl no matter that you are thirty-seven. And anyway, I want to look after you. I’m your mum. It’s my job. You could even go and see Beth tomorrow. I bet you haven’t seen her for ages.’

  This time last week, this scenario would have been my worst nightmare but right now, it was the best feeling in the world. I should have done this before. Why did I have to wait for a crisis to happen in my life for me to appreciate my mum?

  We watched mindless TV for the rest of the evening and at around nine p.m., I went up to my room and wrapped myself up in the duvet. Mum came up with me and waited as I used the bathroom, then she tucked me in just like old times and kissed the top of my head.

  ‘Goodnight my darling, and try not to worry. We can get through anything, you and I.’

  ‘Night, Mum.’

  As I looked around my childhood bedroom, which Mum had never redecorated because she said she loved the memories it gave her, my last thoughts were about how excited I had been travelling into work this morning, yet
what an unexpected turn of events had changed my life.

  Right now I felt like a complete and utter failure. For the first time in years, I had no idea what tomorrow would bring and that was a hugely scary prospect.

  Chapter Four

  When I woke the following morning, I was a bit disorientated. Looking around the room I saw pictures of Take That Blu-Tacked to the wall, and realised exactly where I was, and why. I looked at the bedside clock and saw it was seven a.m. I’d been asleep for nearly ten hours. I really couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept for that long.

  I smiled as I looked at the boys back in the day, dressed in leather and covered in jelly and ice cream, and remembered how devastated I was when Robbie left the group and when they split up. I was so distressed at the time, and smiled now remembering that Beth had sent me a ‘with sympathy’ card, which she’d found hilarious. I thought about how they must have felt, and how hard it must have been for them at that point in their lives. After years of being together they had to get used to a life of not being in a band, and had to start all over again, a situation I felt I could completely relate to. Although I was sure they had a little more cash in the bank than I did.